Hi, First I want to thank all the posters on this forum who have been helping me indirectly in my toughest times. I have been reading MB concepts and firums for sometime but this is the first time I am starting a new thread requesting for help. I have been married for 10 years and have 3 year old DD.
Like all the other marriages, mine is no different frought with lack of communication, EA and LBs of course. My WH has been in an EA for past 6 months. Though he claims that there was nothing more than friendship, he accepts that he preferred spending time with the OW over me. She became his recreational companion after our DD was born. The OW is unfortunately a family friend and that has made NC difficult. The OW claims that there is absolutely no EA or feelings from her end, it is just platonic friendship, but the WH has accepted that he has had feelings for her an no feelings for me other. All classic statements like, don;t have feelings left, he is in marriage only for DD's sake and want to stay as friends and nothing more at this time.

For past month I have seriously started Plan A and have stopeed all R talks and have fully concentrated on no LBs. WH refused to fill out any questionaires (LBs or ENs) saying he doesn;t believe that anything can change as he claims to know me too well. He does say that he cares a lot about me and worry about me. His biggest complaint is that I am too emotionally dependent on him and hav in past left no room for him. SD and DJ being my primary LBS which have distanced him from me. I say this based on what he has said as the reasons for his lack of feelings for me. He also says that he feels nothing can be done because we are fundamentally incompatible but gives no details.

In terms of exposure, OW's (she is single) family knows, but she has convinced them that the EA is just my mis-interpretation. I have exposed to my family and H's family too. His family claims that we are adults and they cannot have any say in our problems, until he reaches out to them. Although both MIL and SIL have talked to him and pressurize him to not contact OW. Since the exposure the contact has been minimal except for some in-evitable family gatherings but even to those I have now refused to participate. After exposure to OW's family who are close family friends, I have asked my family to not include us in any events where the OW is included. WH doesn't agree on NC saying that, I cannot dictate to him who his friends should be, moreover he doesn;t feel the need to listen to me. He claims to have suffered due to my LBs for so long that he now just wants to live a life without me. Even though he said all this before I started Plan A, I have seen some minor changes, like spending more time with me and DD and keeping more in touch with me. But he is reluctant for any initiative to be together or do any recretional activity together because he doesn't feel like spending anytime with me. He says he is unahppy and doesn't enjoy my company. Like all others he is in the classic "I am entitled", "lack of respect for me and the marriage" and "independent behaviour" state.

I need all the support from the experienced posters on Plan A and how to get NC without LBing. I have in emails clearly stated the boundaries and demanded NC and no less. I have communicated to him that I love him but until any contact with the OW damages our R and it is not acceptable to me.

O&H is the biggest issue in our R. He has email ids and laptop that he doesn't give me access since he discovered that I installed a spy s/w on it. He was mad obviously. I have told him that I need him to be O&H about everything including any contact with OW. He has agreed to it but I cannot trust him. In past this distrust and constant questioning of his whereabouts and my clingyness further deteriorated our situation and that's why I started to follow plan A very closely. WH is extremely stubborn and his behaviour often seems like somehting he is doing only to teach me some sort of a lesson.

Appreciate any tips and guidance on stringly following Plan A with this stubborn WH and agree to NC.
Independent Behaviour is his biggest LB. How should I deal with his LBs during Plan A?

Welcome. Have you talked to the OW about getting OUT of your and husband's life? Since she is a family friend, when she realizes that she is causing problems, and threatening your daughter's family, that should be no problem.

yes i have. but she doesn't get it. She clearly is trying to bluff me and her family. My family has talked to her sternly as well. That has reduced th contact but it is still not Nc

She claims to be just good friends and what's wrong in contacting friends.

Then it may be MORE than just friends. Any normal woman would step aside IMMEDIATELY.

Will your husband go to counseling?

No. He doesn't even want to talk to anybody. He is behaving the typical WS illogical behaviour. I totally believe it is MORE than friend and now because the family has been exposed of the OW behaviour she is trying to create this false story. Unfortunately I don't have any hard evidence. WH would not do anything other than just leaving it alone. He basically doesn't want to work on marriage. All fog speak.

Okay, she needs to be OUT of the picture. Keep exposing as things happen.

Stay in Plan A. That is the starting point. Most men's top EN's are admiration and sex. Also try to remember anything he complained about BEFORE, and work on changing it.

Thanks believer. Currently he doesn't want any physical interaction. Although we sleep in the same bed and have some occassional affection sharing, he claims that is very uncomfortable being physically close to me at the moment. Would love some ideas on demonstrating affection. He is not a love letter, cards or flowers guy. I am more like that. He prefers quiet discreet ways of demonstrating admiration.
He complains that he just doesn't enjoy his time being with me because of past issues and his mistakes (EA) and finds himself unable to support me and give me the affection I need. So he prefers to spend time alone. Like last night he went for a movie by himself and then drove around. He vows on our DD that hw was not with the OW during this time. I confirmed this with her family so have have confidence on that. His "independent behaviour" causes me a lot of grief and hurt. How do I deal with his LBs during Plan A.

I cannot stop thinking about the OW and how she is playing all "just friends". Since exposing to her family hasn just put some pressure, it hasn't really convinced her to stop. How can I escalate the pressure through exposure. She is a teacher in the local school, is there anyway I can expose her behaviour to the school authorities without disclosing my identity.

Is anybody there to help ? How do I get the pros to look at my post?

There isn't any easy way to do this. Just stay in Plan A. The usual time for Plan A is at least 3 months. In the meantime, keep making changes in yourself, and keep exposing the fact that OW is interfering in your marriage.

If you can afford it, I recommend that you call the Harley's, as your situation is a tough one.

Thanks will contact SH. IS there any help I can get putting together a letter to WH describing the boundaries. IS there something called a Plan A letter describing boundaries you expect. I am trying to communicate to the WH with no avail. Any face to face conversation that we have either leads to complete silence or passiveness on his part and me getting frustrated or it turns into a emotional outburst. So in Plan, I want to communicate to WH the boundaries without having to do it face to face. Can anybody offer help?

It is useless to try to talk about boundaries when he is in such denial. Stay in Plan A. Make changes in you. Talk to the Harleys.

Don't expect him to notice anything. That will come when there is no contact with the OW.

This is going to be difficult, but they usually come back to the marriage.

I have scheduled for a session with Harleys. Will update once I have the confirmation of the appointment. Thanks for the positive note. I am not holding any false hopes and am preparing for the long and tough road ahead.

Good job. Hit the usual high EN's for men - admiration, and physical closeness. If he won't let you do the physical thing, try massages, etc. Also get some cute lingerie.

You have the advantage as he is still in the home.

I think contacting the Harley's will really help you. The fact that the OW is a family friend who claims innocence is hard. But I would keep talking to the family, mentioning that now your hubby appears to be done with you, and why wouldn't a normal woman back off.

I have the appointment scheduled for tomorrow morning. Anything I should prepare ahead in time to get the maximum out of the session. I have also told my H that I am going for this session. He is fine with it.

Interesting - In response to me telling WH regarding my appointment with SH, he wished me good luck but cautioned me that just because I am taking these sessions, it will not chnage anything in his attitude.

That is just a typical WS answer - right from the textbook.

When you have your appointment, just tell the story, who you have exposed the affair to, etc. You don't have any hard evidence, but reaction of OW is very damning.

Have a notebook to take notes.

And somtimes the appointments are a little late. I think they spend the necessary time with each person.

Thanks. I have made some bullet points. Will focus on exposure, workign on LBs and dealing with his LBs positively during Plan A. NC is the highest priority.

Yep, NC is going to be the toughest, since she is a family "friend" and they won't admit anything else. I'll be interested to hear what the experts think.

I had the session with SH. He suggests to leave the NC alone as there isn't much we can do at the moment but continuing to expose if there is any change increase in the contacts. In the meantime he suggests trying to appeal to H's flawed belief system. SH believe that WH considers M as an accessory or a responsibilit that he took rather than a decision that changes his being and makes him a new person. WH needs to realize that M by his choice made him a husband and a father that he is. With the new him, comes responsibilities and he needs to focus becoming a better new him. Granted that there are restrictions but they will always be there and the limited options that he has now are because they take into consideration the new him and i.e. his marriage. He is resenting the new himself and may be his own child in this process. How can he do that? He needs to understand that the options available to him may belimited but not the avenues of becoming happy or what he can do with those options.

He asked me to tell him how I found SH'sthoughts and approach intriguing and fascinating. Tell WH how I have not been able to ever see our situation and approach our issues in the way SH approached and the suggestions he made sound very reasonable to implement. But before doing anything, I would like his perspective on SH's approach. I am asking for his opinion because I value and and trust his evaluation and viewpoint before spending any more resources on SH's session. I need to ask him in a non-threatnening way so that he doesn't feel I am trying to committ him because I am not. If he asks me for what his solution is then, I should say that I can't because, no matter what I say it would seem desperate, self-serving and controlling because I have inherent investment in the solution as it impact me directly. So it is best that he talks to SH directly so there is nothing lost in translation and he can provide a more honest and objective opinion.

Any suggestions on approaching WH with this? Typically he comes home and then goes to Gym. After that if I ever try to say anything or talk he just says he doesn't want to talk and watches TV. May be I should do a role play and write a script which can deliver the above message in 5 min flat and then plan to do something immediately after the conversation so that doesn't feel pushed.