I am currently just starting counseling with H. He is verbally abusive and has a lot of hurt built up inside of him that he takes out on me. I love many parts about him but I can't live on eggshells and belittling remarks for the rest of my life. We have a 4 yr old and a 3 yr old who are watched by my MIL. I'm thinking that I'll at least need to wait until the kids are in school full time if I am going to start this divorce process. We couldn't afford daycare and they wouldn't allow daycare for the kids. I don't want them around my inlaws if I leave because I'm sure they will all bad mouth me to the kids and no one needs to hear that. H has no problem 'using' the kids to get what he needs. I've already seen him. He's threated to leave and he would wake up one of the kids to bring with him. The other night my 3 yr old woke up because of his yelling and he just wanted to verbally attack me and not stop to make sure she's OK. If he's hurting, he is only looking out for his own interest. The biggest concern I have is how do we negotiate where to live during the separation phase. DH will refuse to move out of the house even though his sister and parents live within 20 minutes and he'd be welcome there. If I left, I would have to pay rent. I assume we'd still have the house for a little while and I would be required to pay my part of the mortgage and then rent too???? How do we afford that? That doesn't make sense when he has a free place to live. The problem is that I don't think he would be rational about this and his pride and ego would cause him to make unfair decisions like that is his house and he will stay there PERIOD. I've contributed financially at least 50% to this marriage and I can support the kids on my own if I have to as long as I don't have to pay for 2 residences!!! What do people do in the separation phase for living arrangements since couples can't co-habitate? I kind of want to keep the house while separated in case H 'comes around' and sees what he's loosing. We bought before the huge price increases and have a great mortgage. I don't want to give that up in case we get back together. But I guess we'd have to.

Life is full of choices. Start making them.

I moved out. Got a 2 bedroom apt. for my DD and me. Supported two households until a temporary stipulation was negotiated. I did not permit money (or lack thereof) to be a determining factor.

I don't want to give that up in case we get back together.

Get off the fence. You either want to be married, or you want to be divorced. Either be serious about your marriage counseling or be serious about getting out of an abusive marriage. Waffling will leave you right where you sit today.

A wonderful book to help you now might be "The Verbally abusive relationship" by Patricia Evans. I recommend it not only to explain how you felt/dealt in your situation, but also because the book gives ways to deal/address a verbal or emotional abuser. Many of us were not even aware that we could say "stop".
If you go forward with a D, the book may help you respond to your H.

See an attorney, and see if you can get child support, spousal support and keep the home until the children are grown. Protect your family.

Then continue counseling.