HurtandMad.......

About 9 months before my FWH's A, I was feeling like the rest of the WSs.....feeling lonely, entitled, etc. I too had a brief A. I partied with this guy and some friends and ending up having a kissing/talking session with this guy for a few hours that night. IT DID NOTHING TO FILL THE VOID I WAS FEELING.

In fact, I didn't enjoy it at all, except I did get confirmation that I was still desireable. But, any man who wants to get into your pants will try to make you feel that way.

If you really want to fill the void that's missing in your life, either set your boundaries with your current H to get back to where you want to be with him.....or leave your current H, get a divorce first and after some time, you can date again and hopefully find someone to have those feelings with.

These voids won't be filled by a stranger. They'll only be filled by someone you love. It's human nature to want what you want. Just do it in a healthy way otherwise, it won't get you what you need.

You have to start thinking about yourself. Set up healthy boundaries and go from there.

"I cant think of a single aspect of my life that hasnt been damaged by his A and I just dont feel much hope that I will ever feel like I should."

I hear you and I can relate. We're 3 years into recovery and I still have my moments, but not like at the beginning, especially in the first 6 months. I think the resentment is "normal". I had so many "triggers" in the beginning and it took a long time to get to the point where the pain was bearable and now even gone in some situations. I would get so angry over everything that happened.

For instance, our bed was a biggie for me. I had slept next to this man since I was 20 years old (I'll be 50 next month). While he was gone, rolling over and seeing his side of the bed empty was one of the most painful aspects of our ordeal. I also read a letter he had written where he told her he loved "holding her hand all night while they slept." Ouch! That was something he'd NEVER done with me during our 26 years of marriage.

It was like I had this mental list of things that he had done during the affair(s) that I needed to have healed for me. Sometimes I felt like I was just plain ole crazy and I'm sure he agreed when it would seem like I was overreacting to something simple... like sleeping together at night. Talking to a counselor didn't help me because I wanted HIM to know what was going on. I finally figured out that he needed to know WHY I would get so upset. So I told him:

PM: I know that you are home and I love that. I HAVE forgiven you. I'm not trying to punish you or make you feel guilty. I just need to work through some leftover issues and I can't do it by myself. There were many things that happened that still come up unexpectedly that trigger bad memories.

FWH: What are you talking about?

PM: Like when we're laying together in bed and I need you to hold me. The reason I need you to hold me is because while you were gone, sleeping alone was very painful to me. Knowing that you held her hand all night while you slept is painful. Or when we drive down a certain road in town or by a particular restaurant. Or when I see a flower shop. See what I mean.

FWH: I hear you.

PM: Please give me time to work through these things. I'll make you a promise. I'll tell you when I'm experiencing a trigger so that my resentment doesn't build up and explode without you having a clue what just happened. I'm not looking for justification from you, just understanding.

FWH: Deal. I'm so sorry I ever hurt you sweetie.

That list has dwindled down to almost nothing now. The things I described above don't hurt anymore. Nearly everything on my "list" has been overcome and replaced with our own memories now. It just takes time. But I think you need to tell him what's going on with you (calmly).

It is NOT. Do NOT do it. In general, avoid doing things that cause brokennes and destruction in self and others that only God can fix. I think on balance I would rather have found a different way to become humble before God and thankful for His forgiveness...and reading your post, I sincerely hope that your path is significantly different from mine.

Being desired in an extramarital relationship and the so-called good feelings it brings fall into the category of
[color:"red"]the devil's empty promises [/color].

EVERLONG

"hi"

Pep

I realate really well to the want to have an affair. I am abolutely jelouse of my Wifes freedom she expierenced. She even admitted that the part of the A was the excitement of sneaking around. Kinda like being back in high school and trying to find anyway to have sex without parents finding out.

One of the effects of the A is that now i don't trust myself anymore. I always question myself. "Will i be able to resist?"

Here is how i look at it. The biggest part of not haveing an A is by not putting myself into situations that could turn into one. My FWW first mistake was takeing the flirting outside of work. To better illustrate this. Most people flirt at work with people, in most cases that is harmeless. But if that flirting contiues via email and phone conversations when the two people arn't forced to be together (ie scheduled work days), then Things are out of hand. (I know that in-work flirting can lead to an A too, but for the sake of the example I excluded it)

I too wouldn't mind going for a roll in the hay with someone who didn't care about anything but sex. But i won't, but not for the best reasons. First, married women are out of the question, Nobody deserves to feel the way i feel, and while I might be willing to ruin my life, I refuse to ruin someonelses. I WILL NOT MAKE ANOTHER OM, there are already too many.

Second I know that haveing an A will not make me happy. If i had one now it would be out of revenge or jelousy. There is no fun in that, it means that I would be haveing sex with someone because of a past event, and not because i really want to have sex with someone at any cost (goes back to the highshcool sex).

The proper answer should be that i won't have a Revenge A because it is wrong. Well since my W's A I have had to reevaluate my view of right and wrong. Before the A i would have said that an A is the the wrong of all wrongs, and is unforgivable. Well if i am ever toing to recover from it I have to see it as a forgivable mistake (damb, saying that makes me sick).

Since I cant keep seeing an A as a unforgivable act, I have to turn to knowing that it huts people i care about, and that it turns good people bad. I can live with hurting myself, but I can't live with hurting people that care about me, and I know that If i have an Reveng/jelouse A I am only hurting people that honistally care. That is one of the lessions I hope any WS learns, the worst thing you did was hurt people that cared about you.

P.S. hurtandmad, You are a Godess and don't let anyone make you think otherwise.

My FWW first mistake was takeing the flirting outside of work. To better illustrate this. Most people flirt at work with people, in most cases that is harmeless. But if that flirting contiues via email and phone conversations when the two people arn't forced to be together (ie scheduled work days), then Things are out of hand. (I know that in-work flirting can lead to an A too, but for the sake of the example I excluded it)


hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

most people flirt at work...

is this really your experience...

would you say also then that most people at work

speak poorly of
make fun of
or disrespect in the name of fun their spouses as well

these people that flirt...

do they flirt while always speaking highly lovingly and respectfully of their spouses...

or is it a package deal

they flirt with others
and
put their spouses down...

just curious about your experience

ark

Funny, I have never heard or seen anyone flirting here at work. But then we are all engineer and scientist geeks, even the females. We don't have the time. Sex is just plain not nearly as interesting as what we get to work on.

FWW's VLTA was with a work colleague, though. They were in bed within 72 hours of meeting for the first time while on an international business trip. Men and women traveling together for business seems much more conducive to adultery than the day to day workplace, in my experience.

Hurt&mad,
I completely understand and have thought about what I was missing but there were/are several reasons I haven't pursued it: a) I value my integrity too much to compromise it in trying to capture some of the electricity the FWW must have enjoyed. b) I'm also a lousy liar and would be caught right away and didn't want to inflict that kind of pain on my FWW. c) I didn't want to be the despicable OM in someone else's nightmare. I have no respect for them.

From your narrative, has your WH maintained NC and have you told the OWH (if she's married)?

Hang in there!

V/r,
No way

Entertainment aside,

Are you a liar? Do you intend to deceive someone into thinking you are not married? Are you willing to hurt another person to "get even" with your WS (note: I didn't say "get back at", but getting the same deal as your WS did). And if you happen to develop the "fog" and imagine some "happy ever after" would be possible with OP, do you think the OP would appreciate finding out your deception?

If not, are you able to be attracted to someone so deceitful, who would willingly abuse a M like this? Someone so selfish that yours might not be the first M they ruined or the last? Could you trust someone like that? And what if they decide to stalk after you've had your fill of fun?

When the same thoughts you currently have crossed my mind, I could never get past the fact that I abhored the very people I would need to have an A.

Regards

I know that it is wrong, I probably wouldnt do it. I hate that I see in me know what used to be I would never ever do it, to it being a possiblity.

I think that the nc is being respected, but heck, he said he wasnt talking to her and he was LYING LYING LYING. He has cleared her number from his phn, I have not found any evidence that he has broken nc, but if he acts a bit distance, if I dont hear from him as much as I want, if he travels, I just dont know.

Today I hit a new low, I dont blame him for having the affair, heck I hate being w/ me now, why should I expect him to want to be w/ me. I obviously didnt meet what he needed, nothing about me has changed beyond crying every darn day.

that untreated depression is like wrestling with a 400 pound tiger

Pep, thanks for saying it. We have mc tomorrow, I will try to speak up to get an appt for IC. I have a real big problem the deeper I go to be able to say anything at all. I recognize that I am sinking right now and I probably should get some help.

bump

you "bumped", but didnt give an update to your prior post?
c'mon, give us more details, so we can give more suggestions to you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Actually I am having a pretty bad day since you asked. NC was broken and in a big way. A five hour phone call showed up on his cell bill to her. There has been many times that I have felt like I should just throw in the towel.

We continue with MC, he really isnt owning up to his deceit. He gave some lame excuse that he thought everyone knew it was over, that since he wasnt actually seeing her that she would get the hint and that showed he wasnt interested anymore. Somehow I wasnt supposed to be hurt that he was continuing to talk with her about god knows what. MC told him to call or write a NC. He did call her and tell her it was really really over. She emailed him back which he fowarded to me when I asked, unless it was a staged email, he finally seemed to have told her that he is done.

But now I am sitting at home, back reading posts. He travelled to a city only 2 hours from where she is at and I havent heard from him in over 24 hours. I can only expect the worst.

I tried hacking into his cell bill again and I am blocked. I can unlock it but it will send a txt to his phone and I dont know if I should wait til I can get his phn and clear the text or if I should just do it now and send him a message that I dont trust him. It wont tell me anything that I dont know as it doesnt post phn numbers until the bill is finalized, it will only tell me if he has sent pictures again, or if he txted someone but not the numbers. Probably pretty pointless anyway since he can and probably has gone underground.

He is supposed to be home at dinner time tonight. I dont know what to do. I know I am supposed to be in plan A, but I am so empty right now there is really no interest in meeting his EN.

Sex is his EN, I have tried to meet this need before and after I found out about the A. I feel so ugly because he was having his EN met by her and by me. Nobody is hanging out waiting for my EN to be met. I usually end up crying right now during sex and that isnt helping matters much. If I dont end up weeping it is either I have the physical need so badly that I can push down the hurt long enough or I can distance myself enough that it doesnt matter. Unfortunatly that is a mantra that runs in my head alot lately "it just doesnt matter, because I dont matter" Sex feels like the loneliest place on the planet right now.

I am thinking more and more lately that if it wasnt for the kids that I would already be long gone. As it is I may leave because I am not going to be able to hold out much longer and if I self destruct I am really failing them, the innocents that really really really didnt deserve any of this. I guess I can accept some blame in his affair for not doing something, who knows what, but the kids really didnt have anything to do with this. It just tears me up inside to realize what this will do to my babies and I dont know if I have the cruelty to do this to them, or to wh. I dont know how I will live with that guilt, so I keep trying really hard, but what I do doesnt matter.

I'm sorry for your pain.

the lying is the worst thing. it know that it makes you feel like how is it even worth trying, because you'll try, and they'll be lying to you about something, and you'll try again, and they'll be lying to you... and how will you ever know, "is he really serious THIS time, about rebuilding any kind of trust between us?"

it's tough to know when and if you should keep going.
You might take heart in knowing that it has taken others quite a long time, to convince their spouse to "get in gear", after an affair winds down.

What state do you see your marriage in?
"ongoing affair", "post-affair", "attempted recovery" ?

Why did the affair "end"? I didnt notice that in your thread here.



BTW: you made a false statement. You said "sex is his EN".

no one has only one emotional need.
If you want to keep working on your marriage, you need to find out what all of his emotional needs are, and try to fulfil ALL of them as best you can.
It sounds to me like you kind of need to reset your "how long I've been trying" clock to zero, and start it, only when you recognize that he has more than one EN, and start trying to fill them.

I suppose I would either put us as ongoing or post affair.

The has A has ended maybe. So I cant even tell you what ended it. I think it was dying a natural death when I found out. Seems as if she was cooling it off more than he was but the flames were not out. I found out by intercepting a txt msg, totally honestly when I was trying to fix his phn.

Her letter to him was that she was leaving her husband, and that if he ever wanted to regain what they had lost to call her. That she wasnt ready to give up on my husband.

He has told me that he still loves her and he will need time to get over that.

Even if he has honored nc, and it has only been a few weeks, if he doesnt come back to me and make some sort of effort, the damage is done. I am not feeling loved, and I really question whether I love him or not anymore. Certainly his affair, his continued lies, his lack of moral character has made me love him a heck of alot less.

I guess a subset EN would be that he hates being alone. Unfortunatley he has set himself up in a job where he is gone more than he is home. I cant change that, I cant make him change his job, he has no interest to do so. So how do you meet that need when he isnt even there?

hmm.

two comments:

1. yeah, you're really hurting right now... and he's probably not going to be trying too hard to make you feel better, when he's wallowing in his own withdrawal.
Dont forget to take care of YOU. Dont blow all your energy trying to make him feel better. make YOU feel better, too. about yourself. Go do stuff that YOU enjoy. Dont define yourself by, "am I making my husband happy right now?"

2. You dont seem to be getting the whole "emotional needs" thing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> "hating being alone", isnt one of the 10 suggested areas for ENs. I guarantee that there are at least 1 other than "sex", that he needs, that you havent been meeting. But you probably dont care enough at this point to really think about it further, or meet them once you consider them.
So maybe take a few days of #1, before you try getting back in the saddle and thinking about his needs again?
(and even then... dont ignore your own needs <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> )

ok so I went back and looked at the worksheets, number two would be admiration. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I dont admire him. Everything that he has acheived, everyone that pats him on the back, it was some him but it was me too. He didnt acheive anything alone and I dont admire him very much right now because he was willing to hurt me, destroy my life, wound the children and generally screw everyone who cares for him so that he could have sex and have her tell him what a wonderful guy he was.

Wow I am really starting to sound bitter.

Now what?