Jay,

I know you're really angry right now. and frustrated. and hurt.

I would suggest that you face the anger... but also dont ACT on it, for a few days. Dont do anything pre-emptive. It may feel right today, but you may regret it come monday morning.


PS: that letter was heart-felt, but waaay too long, I suspect.
Another reason to hold off on it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Post deleted by Jayban

I'm no expert on plan B letters.. but everything I've read here says, "shorter is better".

I know you want to get your feelings out. I feel that way too about my wife. It's tough to hold all that inside. If you want to let it out, may I suggest you write her a SEPARATE letter?

it might make you feel better to send her that one first, then wait a bit.

Jay,

All I have to say is to just cool your jets for a few weeks and put off any decisions. Trust me Jay, this is the worst of it. Don't either of you make any decisions right now because your emotions have the best of you. I want you to KNOW that you'll be alright. I'll keep you in my prayers this weekend. Let us know how it goes. Remember, no anger. You don't want to come off as an angry, jealous person. You want the ILs to view you as a wonderful, committed husband and father that is doing everything he can in the face of all this [censored] to save his M.

Post deleted by Jayban

Post deleted by Jayban

Good luck to you...

SD

Post deleted by Jayban

This is probably not advice that others here would suggest, but I'm throwing it out there anyway.

Why not use the two weeks you are going to be away, and use that time to allow everything to just cool off a bit.

I'm very impressed with the way you've grasped this program and have employed it with great enthusiasm, but for a WS to come around, it takes time. This is not a process that can be forced to meet your desired timetable.

Go to a dark place for a couple of weeks, and let things cool off. None of your WW decisions mean anything until you "agree" with them. Divorce can wait...and so can the next assessment of your marriage. Two weeks in this whole process is like a bucket of water as compared to Lake Superior.

Take the time to rest, assess, and plan. Most of all, enjoy yourself.

Best wishes,
SD

Post deleted by Jayban

Sorry to hear that, Jay....Do not know what to say to make you feel any better other than that you did your best under terrible circumstances, and everyone who read this thread knows it. Take it easy and try to enjoy your trip to California as much as you can. Check back when you come back.

What a crock

FIL is a complete idiot...buying the evil one's lies


I bet when he was caught being wayward he was given an ultimatum and he choose to reconcile. It was hard but he was able to see the ultimatum through and reconcile with your MIL.

Thus, he THINKS he can discuss this rationally with his daughter. Right...OM is merely a friend with benefits. WW is a known liar, she CAN restore her integrity by going to NC and reconciling with Jayban, but absent then why would anyone trust ANYTHING she says.

Ohh...I forgot...didn't he give this woman to you on you wedding day. Why is he butting his head into your marriage? Why doesn't he butt his head into his daughter's adulterous relationship instead? Have a sit down with the OM and discuss his intentions. I guarantee he will be looking into the eyes of evil. What God hath joined together, let NO man tear asunder.

FIL...you have choosen sides. This IS a good versus evil situation and you've taken the low road. You are behaving weak. You are a sad excuse for a man and a parent. RARELY is the right thing to do the easy thing to do....difference being is you'll never regret doing the right thing. Your current tack may seemingly keep your daughter "happy" but you'll utlimately lose her forever.

Another thing....since OM is reading here for his amusement. OM you will get yours someday. I know you only LIKE this WW so I don't expect this relationship to last to long. This relationship has now lost it's luster. Good times are all behind you. Depositions await you. Your friends, family and loved ones may be brought into this as well. People will be looking at you judging you. Uncomfortable judgmental glances of friends, parents, co-workers await you. This relationship with Jayban's wife is WRONG and you will be so gone in a very short time. Why not go NOW? You don't belong here. This isn't a competition. I'm rambling now...but Mrs. Jayban is a known liar and adulterer. What she's does with you, she'll do to you. You'd be a fool to marry into this situation. Think of it this way...she's giving up a loving husband of 17 years for you, an insecure little weakling living in a shanty apartment at the age of 31...can you imagine how much she is going to expect from you to MAKE HER HAPPY. Pretty soon Jayban won't be around and WW will STILL be miserable. Her misery has NOTHING to do with JAYBAN. SHE is miserable all by herself. She's had you believe it was Jayban doing this but that was a LIE. IT's NOT...it's her...you watch and see.


Finally, I wonder if your DD15 is reading here. Young lady, I'm sorry your mother has involved you in this. You really need to sit down with your father, one on one, and talk this through. You mother is NOT a very safe person to be around right now. You need a parent. Your recent behavior is a result of this desire. You are rebelling, which though you may not realize it, is a cry for attention. YOur father is the only one capable of providing it now. Your mother is unfit and living in a self-entitled fantasy world and your FIL/MIL are enablers and likewise deluded...go to your father.

Mr. Wondering

(((((Jay)))))

I'm sorry FIL chose to enable your WW instead of doing the right thing. If the right thing were easy to do, everyone would be doing it. FIL took the easy way out. So much for him being a "religious" person. Do you know where FIL goes to church? You might want to inform his pastor that he is supporting his daughter's adultery. Let all the waywards feel the consequences of their actions. War on his family? That's funny, I thought you became part of his family 15 years ago.

Now that I'm done with my rant, I want you to know that this is not over. You can DRAG OUT this D. The A might not last that long. There are many things that you can do to continue to put pressure on this A. You can still plan A your WW. You can eventually go to plan B. You can reconcile after a D. Once the A is over (and it will end), you will have a chance to reconcile. Let your FIL know that you will continue to put pressure on the A and fight for your M. There are many things well within your rights that will make A life very uncomfortable. Miket went to the fitness class that OM taught and announced in front of all that were in his class that OM should stay away from his WW and kids. That ruined their A, and his WW is trying to contact him while he is in plan B. This does not mean your M is over. Go back to CA, recharge your batteries, lay low for a while, and come back fighting for your M is that is still what you want. The recent news only means that FIL is not an ally. Most ILs aren't. What else is new? Call Dr. Harley on his radio show, and get a plan of attack. Your WW is still conflicted. She feels that she has to go down this path because there is no going back. You are going to show her there is a way out of this. Control your anger and focus your energy. You may have lost this battle, but the war is far from over.

Jay, I would have to completely agree with Mr. W here.

Your WW is lying just as every other WS will do. My WW had a family meeting with her parents and siblings after I exposed and she denied any R with OM right to their face. I guess she forgot that I had an audio tape of them together.

The only difference is my MIL condoned my exposure to WW's work as she is a woman who respects family and seeks the truth, regardless of bloodlines. It meant risking her R with her daughter and it wasn't easy...but it was the right thing to do.

Enabling an A is the easy way out and it's WRONG.

Fighting for your M is hard and is the RIGHT thing to do.

We see it so many times where family will take the easy way out to keep the famlily happy.

Jay, no matter what happens here, I can assure you that you will look back and be proud of how you fought for what is right. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise.

HTW

Post deleted by Jayban

This is what reachingout had to say today. He finally gets it.

"friends with benefits".


What a load of crap. If this is true and it's fine with the whole family than I guess FIL wouldn't mind me being "friends with benefits with MIL?

Best wishes Jay and Jay's DD and Christ's love to Mrs Jay (she needs it)

You should ask FIL if he was "friends with benefits" with Mai Ling or whatever her name was. Ask FIL to call OM and find out what his intentions are with your WW.

On another note, I'm headed off to church. Jay, get your butt to church, confess your sins, ask for forgiveness, and put yourself in God's hands. If you do that you'll know that whatever happens, He is watching out for you and has a plan for you. Read up on the stories of Job, Daniel and the lion, and Shadrak, Meshak and Abednego. You are not alone in your suffering, but you will come out a intact and a better man on the other side. My prayers are with you.

Jay,

my heart goes out to you friend... I love you man. I know your pain.

I greatly fear my M is on the same path as yours and dogs, I don't see much hope right now...

One thing is true however we will all survive this and will be better men for it.

Go with God my friend.

Jim

Jay,

I was feeling as dejected as you are just days ago.

It took a few days away from all of the bull Sh*t to calm down enough to see what was really going on and to come to terms with it.

Just as we can't tell our WS how to feel or what to do, it seems that all of our support people are telling us how to feel and what to do --
none of it makes sense untill you reach that point where you can let go of most of the fear and feel OK with yourself( notice I said ok not good - that will take a while). We've been there before marriage and we will get there again -- That is feeling confident in ourselves -- no matter what path is taken we need this for ourselves.

Jay, only you can get yourself to this point. Step back and look at yourself - I am sure you will find the strength to pull yourself through the muck and stand tall.

I hope that a little time away will allow you to have the clarity that I have just been given.