I am thankful for your advice, and am grateful that you unlike some here aren’t just straight bashing me. I know I screwed up and the bashing just makes me feel worse about what I did it is of no help to me trying to do what I can to save my marriage from the problems I have caused in it. I have read you input to others in other posts and you have for the most part been pro “do everything you can and don’t give up.” I say this because even those of us who “did the deed” need positive encouragement sometimes to have the strength to hang in there for the long haul to marital recovery.

Thank you

DR

Upsate on the past three days.

MC appointment. W almost changed mind about going in the parking lot, but went <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Made a commitment to spend time with me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> very good thing. Had kids last two days W hung out with us most of those two days there where a few times where we both had to step outside and get some fresh air to avoid LB's but over all very good. Now to see what happens when I don't have the kids and she is at here parents for the next week <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I miss her being in the same house with me just feels like even though we may have to step away for a few minutes every once in a whil e that we could grow back together so much faster if we had contact more often.

DR

Dr P, I'm an FWW. I've noticed SO often that men take a heck of a lot longer to get all this than women do. Ok, that's probably a generalisation but it's what I've noticed.

You are paying lip service to all this. Pep picked it up and I am definitely picking it up.

I don't think you get it yet. I don't think you get it AT ALL.

I don't think you have ANY idea whatsoever what you have done and how much you have hurt your wife. You have hurt her beyond anything that has ever hurt her before. I can sense that you want this past and over and moved right along so you can resume normal life.

It doesn't happen like that. Believe me, it doesn't happen like that.

Have you read the main site? Are you REALLY committed to your marriage. I just don't see it. And as an FWW, I'm pretty good at picking this stuff up.

BTW, "I guess I was in the fog I read about" just doesn't cut it with me.

You planned it, you enjoyed it, you knew EXACTLY what you were doing and what was going to happen. Sheesh, I was foggy but I always knew exactly how revolting my plans were.

DP,

Read through your sitch & I say, Wow! I would like you to see things from your W’s perspective for a moment.

PS - I think your W's on the fence about the D. Probably going back & forth about it in her mind. I think it's a great sign that she gave you "HNHN". That shows, I think, that she's willing to give you one more chance. But she really needs to see your sincerity, not just hear it.
#1 - About 3 years ago I had a one night stand with a coworker. (mess up 1)

#2 - 4 months ago Coworker having work problems wants my opinion on things. I go by to go to sit down over coffee with her, coworker not ready to leave house yet. I get invited inside to wait while she finishes getting ready to go, mistake. I go in I give her a hug, turns into kiss, turns into sex. I’m horrified that I did it again.

#3 - Get a call at 1 am her and husband had big fight needs a place to stay. I tell her she can use the couch. She didn’t stay on the couch comes to bedroom sometime before 3 am while I am sleeping (didn’t think to lock the door). Next morning wife calls, early, going to bring kids 3 and 4 to the house to see me and talk about things. I tell her this is not a good time. She comes over anyway sees car in drive comes in big fight I failed to defend either of them, mistake should have defended wife over comments made.

3 betrayals. That hurts to the core. Believe me, I’ve been there. It’s going to take a long time to get over these. You say you’re committed but then bam, another betrayal. Okay, based on your posts, you know all that, so let me go on to some of your questions.


How do you know she’s not checking up on you?



Even if you’re just going grocery shopping, spending time w/the kids, etc., this all counts toward RC. My H & I go grocery shopping together all the time. Can you hold hands w/her in the store? Stroke her hair when she’s looking at what to buy. That might sound a little silly, but it could go a long way. That would satisfy the affection need a little bit anyway. Seems to me that you’re satisfying the communication need by just talking to her. I know that you’re probably not satisfied w/her parents lurking in the background, but it’s your W that you’re trying to regain the trust w/right now, not her parents. That will come later. Work on one thing at a time. All you have to focus on right now is her. Her family can come later.


Have you talked to your W about it when you’re alone together? What does she say?

Maybe you mentioned this already & I missed it, but did you tell your W about the ONS as well as this latest A?

there has been 15 min or so of alone timein the past 3 months for me and the wife. No chance to ask.


When I told her about the 2nd I told her about the first too.

Asked wife to go one a cruise today complete with sitters while we where away answer = "can't, don't want to tick my parents off and not have a house to go home to" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

DR

I agree I think it's too soon to go on a cruise w/her. You have to take this baby steps, one at a time. Just as it took a while for you to get in this mess, it's going to take a while to get out of it.

You said you don't have much alone time w/her. Can you spend more time w/her & the kids? I know you want alone time, but maybe having the children w/you will be more beneficial at this point.

You said something about you avoided LB's. My question is... what do YOU have to LB about now that you would need to avoid? I can see what she has to LB about... but not you.

"Now I just want advice on how I can win her back."

It's not a matter of "winning " her back. It's about making her feel safe and loved and confident in the M again.

Are you prepared to do EVERYTHING?

How about giving her every marriage asset in a post nuptual agreement? Literally everything... let her know that you are dead serious on fixing everything you broke and that she is protected should you screw up again.
How about telling her that you would submit to a ploygraph exam if she has any doubts regarding your COMPLETE honesty at this point???

See, this is about her now... just her and you need to put aside your wants, needs and desires and take care of her whenever she gives you even the slightest opportunity to do so.

Let me know what you think.

DP, does the coworker's H know about his WW's activities?

No what I wanted at this point was some sign that I am on the right path with what I'm doing something anything. Since I felt like I was beating my head against a wall. I am well aware that this will take a very very long time.


Yes I have read it. Yes I am committed even if she proceeds with the divorce I'm under the opinion that it is just a piece of paper.

I was and still am asking for suggestions and encouragement to keep going when I have no local support system. I gave up the support system I had locally because that is the same support system that helped and allowed me to have the A in the first place.

I have to constantly try not to push her away from her parents.

Thanks I didn't think of it that way. Suggestions on how to make "her feel safe and loved and confident in the M again."?

I am willing to do any and everything.

[quote}
How about giving her every marriage asset in a post nuptual agreement? Literally everything... let her know that you are dead serious on fixing everything you broke and that she is protected should you screw up again.[/quote]

So do I go do that with her with me or do I go have the lawyer draw it up and then hand it to her without saying a word about it first?


Already offered that one.

More suggestions would be a really good thing. Some days I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall, then others it feel like we are making huge leaps in good directions. It seems like the more she is around her parents the worse things get between us, and the less she is around them the better things between us are going. They are her support system and are perfectly willing to support her as long as they think it is out of the marriage. When ever she talks to them about working on our M they stop supporting her. :
(

DR