Drac called 5x over 2 hrs trying to reach me and sent an email.

I called the sitter first. She said he'd called her, too. Asked HER if he needed to change his bday plans and get the kids.

I then called him. I was nice but not overly friendly. Gave him the short version of the facts on Dad and answered his questions.

He then says 'What do I need to do'

Bugs 'nothing'

Drac 'I am not trying to pry or anything. If there is something I can do, let me know'

Bugs 'no, there is nothing you 'need' to do. I have it covered'

Drac 'so you are coming home and getting the kids? I don't need to do that? Because sitter does not know what is gping on'

Bugs 'I just talked to the sitter. I have it covered. There is nothing you need to do'

Drac 'uh, ok. Well keep me posted if you would'

Bugs 'will do. See ya'

Hopefully he won't bother to call tonight. If he does, I will let the kids answer and then pretend to be on the cell phone so I won't have to talk

I wasn't curt or short. Played it more as being distracted and worried about Dad.

Dad is doing ok. No major paralysis. He does have slurred speech, trouble thinking of a word. We are just waiting on test results and to see the dr again.

Also, heard from my A. Drac's A has our counter offer and OUR child support calculation (based on REAL #'s) is a few hundred dollars MORE per month than HIS calculation. Surprise surprise!

She wanted to warn me to be on the look out for an 'unhappy" response from Drac.

So,,,sitting here typing while Dad sleeps. Resting in God's hands as He is the one in control of all of this!

Feeling OK as long as I don't let myself thinl about Drac and the Ho celebrating his bday tonight!

Bugs:

Remember what God say's "Don't answer a fool like a fool."

You are better than that , just remember that. You are a goddess !!!

Prayers for your dad

I second that motion! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Also remember what I said the other day.

Drac will be pulling out the big guns, and the more he does this the closer God will be to bringing him home.

You know that as long as there is trouble amidst God is still working on the purpose of all the comotion. Until that purpose is met, the comotion will exhist.

Made it through my anniversary today. Threw myself a party and actually laughed remembering the wedding. I had ballon bride and Groom. As I started the walk down the aisle (grass on my grandma's farm) the groom's head blew up. Everyone at work teased me asking if maybe that was a sign from GOD. Had to laugh remebering and here I am ready to go to sleep and not a tear shed today.

I know that is because this morning when I woke up, I told God that the day would be too awful and that I needed him to carry me through it instead of walking beside me. That made all the difference in the world.

I hope you can find peace and comfort with this additional stress added, just remember God won't give us more than we can handle.

Take care sweetie...I'll be praying....

Bugs;

How did you do it all yesterday? Were you able to get the kids as planned?
IMO, it wouldn't have hurt to have him change his plans.
You don't have to be superwoman bugs!

How's dad?

Bugs:

Hope to hear from you this morning....

Hope Dad is Better.

Drac was concerned that he would have had to choose KIDS over HO.

You let him off the hook. And there was nothing wrong with that. Because the fangs later would have come from DRAC.

You can not rely on him for anything.

So you did the right thing.

Is it Tuesday yet?

(((BUGS)))

LG

I disagree a little bit.

Bugs is in Plan A -- which means meeting Dracs needs as much as possible.

Maybe Drac wanted to feel needed?

A lot of marriages derail when us gals become Superwomen and don't need our husbands anymore. We can do it all.
Then they find someone else a little needier and adoring of all they do...

Sometimes you have to let go of those responsibilities and let someone else (Drac) pick them up. And then appreciate it.

Its not all one sided -- What can Bugs do for Drac. Sometimes its what can Bugs let Drac do for her....

Hey everyone. Thx for the prayers and support!

LG & Lexxx,

I debated Hard about 'letting' Drac help, for the reasson both of you stated. It was a hard decision.

For my own self esteem, and really to avoid him, I said no. Having him let me down so badly before hurt too much. I was afraid he'd end up doing a bday celebration with the HO AND my kids. That would have been too much.

First the GOOD news! Dads tests came back normal and hes on is way home right now!!

Well, Drac never called to talk to the kids last night, so that potential crisis was avoided.

Unfortunately, I had a much worse one.

DD comes to me and wants me to sit down so we can talk. So I did. She wanted to tell me about Daddy and the Ho holding hands, rubbing each others arms and legs during the movie. Acting like boyfriend and girlfriend, and I was sitting right there between them and then on Daddys lap. Mommy, I dont want a divorce!! 

I reassured her the best that I could. No slamming Drac, but asking and understanding that what she saw is hurtful to her. Then the worse came out, DD says, It feels like I have 2 Mommies.

I kept amazingly calm, but said firmly, You do NOT have 2 Mommies. I am your Mommy, your ONLY Mommy She was pretty upset, so I really just let her talk and did my best to reassure her and thank her for coming to me.

So, we go about our business, when I hear her and DSS arguing. Seems she went to tell him WHY she was upset, telling me she doesnt want a divorce and he told her Just SHUT UP about it.

So, we had a group talk where I focused on that this is a hard time for all of us right now. However, each of us will deal with it differently. We may have different feelings about it and show it in different ways, but EVERYONE is entitled to their feelings. We do not tell each other to shut up about it.

DSS asked if DD knew about the D. I said, yes obviously she does, especially when she sees your Dad and the Ho acting like girlfriend and boyfriend right in front of her, shes smart enough to figure that out. DSS says, well, have YOU talked to her about it, because Dad hasnt. I told him, yes she is aware of it as a possibility.

I told him I know he feels like he has to defend his dad, but its not necessary. No one here is saying his Dad is a HORRIBLE person. However, I do disagree with how he is going about this, especially when it comes to him doing it in front of them, as I dont believe it is teaching them correct morals. You do NOT have someone else when you are married. Period.

Heres a part that I regret saying - DSS, when you grow up and get married. Lets say your wife leaves you and starts a relationship with another man while you are still married to her. How do you think your Dad will feel about your wife?

DSS He wouldnt like it. 

Bugs Thats, right. He wouldnt, so then why is it OK for him to do the same thing?
I then got back on track with talking about how it is OK to feel however they feel.

I let it all go then and went back in the other room.

Seconds later, I hear them arguing again. DD had asked DSS how to spell the word DIVORCE because she was writing, No, no, no, divorce

DSS was ANGRY again, VERY ANGRY. So I spelled the word for DD and then calmly asked DSS to come in the other room with me to talk. I asked him why he was so ANGRY. He kept saying he didnt know why, he just was. I assured him that anger is a normal feeling of frustration, but that it is important to understand WHY we get angry so that we can deal with that anger. If we dont, it hurts us, especially in the long run. He insisted then, I am FINE

I didnt argue with him on that, but focused on how in the future, coping skills for anger are very important. The time to learn how to deal with our feelings is now rather than later.

It took a while to get it out of him, but it boils down to this. Hes angry because as he said When I went thru this I was YOUNGER than she is and I had to deal with the fact that my Mom wanted NOTHING to do with me!! I was just FINE. I didnt act like the world is coming to an end! Shes being a big crybaby and Im sick of it. Its all she ever talks about

WOW!!! I hurt so badly for him!! I told him as best I could that I DO understand how he feels, and that its ok to feel that way. Yet, there are some things I need him to think about. That this is not a situation where you can FAIRLY compare the 2 situations.

For HIM, what he went through was the WORST thing that ever happened to him. Although he may not remember everything, and that there were things that he didnt understand at the time, he did have issues with it, which were and are NORMAL. I said its not necessary to re-hash it all, but the point is you dealt with it the way you needed and wanted to deal with it. Dad & I did our best to allow you to do that. We let you have your feeling about it.

Now, while comparatively, from your point of view, the fact that DD still has BOTH of us is not as WORSE as what you went through. The fact is that for HER, this is the WORST thing that has ever happened in HER life. So, just like we did with him, we have to allow her to have her feelings about it and allow her to deal with it in her own way,

Everyone is different. Everyone handles things, feelings, situations differently and it is VERY important during this time that we allow each other that respect and courtesy.

I UNDERSTAND that he gets angry or frustrated with how she may be handling it. IF he gets upset, then he needs to walk away and come to me to talk or just get away for a while by himself. Thats OK.

He acknowledged that while I have moments where I seem angry, it is not all of the time, and in fact, it is rare that I seem angry. I told him, there are times where I want to lash out! I want to break his dads stuff, I want to scream and yell at him, I want to smash his boat, etc. But, I dont do those things because Ive found ways to deal with my anger and that is what I want to help him do, too.

I told him I HATE to see him so upset. He and DD are my LIFE. They are the most precious things in the world to me and I dont like to see them this way. Theres only so much I can do, but I will do anything, anything I can to help them feel OK. I would have us all as a family together right this minute if I could, as I believe that is the best thing for all of us. However just like he, DD, and I are entitled to our feelings, Dad is entitled to his. He doesnt want what we want right now. If I could give DD a magic shot to make her feel better, I would. I would have given that shot to his Dad months ago so that none of us would have had to go through ANY of this.

I just wrapped up with the importance of loving one another, being patient, respecting each others feelings even if we dont agree or feel the same way they feel. Focusing on how he can come to me at any time, and that he & DD are my main concern, always and forever.

He seemed OK by then. Later, I did make sure to fill him in on how DD came to ME with her feelings. I told him that I know his dad asks him questions about what we talk about and what goes on when they are with me, so I want him to be sure to have the facts so that Dad does not get the wrong idea about things. Also, that the rule still applies, it is OK for him to tell Dad anything that goes on while they are with me and that I am not upset with him in ANY way.

I HATE that it felt like I was passing messages through DSS. However, as I know Drac questions him, I felt it VERY important to properly educate/inform him on the FACTS that need to be told. I also told him that he might mention to Drac that I do NOT quiz or question DSS or DD in reverse. DSS knows that I dont, but that Drac believes I do. It would be nice for him to hear that from DSS.

I forget the question he asked me, but I did say another thing that I regret. I told him that his Dad lies to me all of the time, lies to my face and that it is disrespectful and hurtful to me. While that is true, its not a thing you want to say to you kid.

So, I feel good about MOST of what I said. I feel badly about a few slips on things I should not have said.

How much of this do I share with Drac, if any? We KNOW hell quiz DSS tonight. Do I just let it play out that way? Do I bother trying to get Drac to see that they are NOT happier than theyve ever been by sharing what transpired? I am just not sure.

Drac has called 3 times this am, but did not leave any messages. I have not called him back and am not sure I am going to.

My plan had been to email him later this afternoon, letting him know Ill be out of town and giving him the phone number where I can be reached, and leave it at that.

Thoughts? Comments?? HELP????

Oh Bugs -- those poor little kids.
You handled that wonderfully. Its ok for DSS to see your pain. And I think you were totally right to lay it out there for him.

I really think you should reconsider letting Drac have DD AT ALL unless he agrees to stay away from HO. There is no legal reason you have to let her go with him. Could she spend the weekend with you?

Judging from how much she is hurting I think its valid and reasonable for you to enforce him keeping HO away.

Ask your attorney about this.

Can you put in your paperwork about him not taking DD on his DATES? About him not exposing DD to GROPING?
Make a point of this....make him squirm about it in front of both attorneys.

I have talked with my attorney as well as several others.

All say the same thing. In my state/city the courts will NOT interfere in what they deem 'personal' matters.

Basically, unless they are DOING IT in front of her, my hands are tied.

I did talk to the sitter and she talked to Drac this am. She told him DD is still sick and should not be going out (he had planned to take them to a pool party).

Drac agreed and said they would be staying home this weekend. Let's hope they do.

So, do I share the info on the conversation w/the kids?

UGH.

Do you feel able to confront him on this?
Or send him an email?

I would tell him that you need his agreement that he will not expose DD to the HO, and that DD was incredibly upset by his displays of affection.

We've been through it over and over again.

No point in re-hashing the same ground. I was simply considering sendinh him the same info from my post as an FYI. A 'factual' account of what was said.

I think there IS a point in rehashing the same ground.
But it sounds like you don't have the energy for it.
(can't blame you...)
I know how close you are to Plan B, but to me this fight is worth fighting. DD needs you to.
She needs to be protected, unfortunately from her own father.
What an A$$!

I agree with everything you said.

(((bugs)))

Just 4 more days....just 4 more days. Then peace and quiet from Plan B.

Send him an e-mail. State the facts. Then put a statement at the end that you expect him to not expose your daughter to any further displays of immorality.

What is it you're doing this weekend??

Bugs I haven't posted to u in awhile but I have been following ur struggle...

I feel for u right now and ur sweet DD...the situation is hurtful enough for her without dealing with being around OW. I would love to strangle your WH....stay strong and firm in ur beliefs...UR a STRONG, LOVING, BEAUTIFUL WOMAN...remember that.

Thanks gabie!

I need all the support I can get!

Hi Bugs_

I just wanted to share something that might help you with your DSS. You see, I'm adopted. All five kids in my family are adopted. My twin and I were adopted together.

DSS is carrying around the feeling of being rejected by his birth mom, and probably is worried about you leaving him too. Lots of adopted kids feel this way too-but we didn't, because our parents let us know that we were wonderful gifts to them. My cousin David actually got mad at his mom when he found out he wasn't adopted like all his cousins.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

One of the greatest things my dad has said to all of us kids over the years is that he is a rich man because of the blessing of having us as his children.

The biggest thing I learned from them is family isn't always biology. Sometimes you get to choose your family. My parents had lots of "extra" family, people we called "aunt" and "uncle" because of their closeness to our family.

Maybe you can help DSS understand that although his birthmother wasn't able to be his "mom" (for whatever reasons), she gave you a great gift because now you get to have him as your son.

Another cool thing about being adopted into a family is, that's what God did for us through Jesus. It says in the bible that we are adopted into His family as sons and daughters. No second rate status in His family.

My DD25 is my "extra" daughter. She came into my life as a student when she was 17 and became part of my family when her mom passed when she was 19. She couldn't be more mine than if I had given birth to her.

That's really all I have to share. I hope this helps a little.

Bugs:

Excellent convo with the children.

I knew that DSS was in need of some serious info...Glad he finally got it.

You do not have to share it with WH. When, and if, he ever calls, and he wants to have a conversation, and not just yell at you "WHY DID YOU TALK TO DSS????"

Then you can have the discussion.

You can even have a copy of your post in your pocket. Just give it to him.

Tell him that you are journalling what's happening, and this is what happened.

Defend yourself on what you need to defend yourself on, and go from there.

DSS and DD are not talking to him, and he's not even spending the night in the same house with tham anymore, he's leaving them with FIL.

[censored].

He should as a minimum be talking to DSS.

Stay Strong, Bugs.

LG