Okay, fair use is fine. Steal whatever you want. Since you were open and honest about it, it met my EN #3.


Strange, isn't it, that theft can also be open and honest? Our language is quite the quagmire. Love it. Now THIS is how my H and I get into interesting discussions. And I drive him to drink.

I need a drink.

SB

After D-day, lots of my EN's were not met, but I figured out other ways to meet them. I joined a women's support group- that met several, got a promotion where now I get lots of admiration and more money, dumped dishonest friends and made new ones to do recreational things with.

I spent lots of time making my home nice, enjoyed my pets, etc. But the one that is hardest to meet, and now my most important is SF. It just isn't the same alone.

You see, Weaver, that is the point of EN's. You say who wouldn't need domestic support. It's not right up there with my top EN's. It was when the children were small but it isn't now. I'd rather do it myself. And if you need it and don't get it, that's where the trouble starts. You say, who wouldn't need family commitment. SO MANY husbands don't give this. Mine did and still does and our children are adults. It's not what you NEED it's if that need is met.

You may EXPECT them from a marriage, but a lot of people don't get them from a marriage. No S/f for men from women who vowed "with my body I thee worship".

You mentioned you were going to tell your fiance "soon" that his Harley was out the door. If his top need is openess and honesty, the fact that you haven't told him this is going to be huge.

It's not whether you have the need, it's whether the need is being met.

BTW mine are:

1. Admiration (to an excess)
2. SF (yeah, ok, to an excess)
3. Financial support. I can support myself but this is a legacy from being brought up by a father who was INCREDIBLY financially successful and also very successful in his career. When my H was laid off and was unemployed for 18 months, this affected me VERY badly.

Well, I must be made of stone.

A single girl, and now I've pretty much recovered from the fact that Noddy is gone, I can't think of any ENs he filled in me that I would need filling now. Want, perhaps, but not need.

I have emotional wants because there's no prospect of 'needs' being filled in the near future. It would be terrible to need something I couldn't have.

My top Emotional Wants (as a single lady) are:

1) Conversation
2) Domestic Support
3) Financial Support

I get conversation from my DDs, of course. But it's not the same as conversation with an adult, an equal. I sure do miss talking with Noddy. When he wasn't drunk and passed out on the sofa he sure was smart. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Of course, I talk to my mom on the phone, and other adults during the day too, but it ain't the same as confiding your deepest and darkest to one you love.

Domestic support, well... DD13 is going to get a shock when she turns 14 in March. I am expecting a whole lot from her in this respect! Much more support around the home, and much more help with her little sister. I just can't cope without it.

Financial support? Don't make me larf! This was very important to me when I was married (I was a SAHM), and now I am divorced and disabled and on welfare, it's essential. However, the state provides the support, not any man. Kind of hard to feel warm and fuzzy towards the state, though of course I am grateful I have what I do get in benefits. I am still awaiting settlement from the courts, too.

The only real need I have that I can do nothing about is for SF. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Not that it was met frequently when I was married, but as a married woman, it was probably my top need.



Alph.

An example of domestic support in Casa Alphin which has just occurred...

DD6 comes running through from dining room with peppercorn grinder, intending to put it away in the kitchen.

DD6 falls, drops grinder; hundreds of peppercorns all over floor. Brainless cat eats one, begins foaming at the mouth.

Changed my mind - my top EN is SENSE OF HUMOR...

Alph.

1. Financial Security - a need that has arisen as a result of living on a shoestring for two years. Thank God for generous friends.
2. Honesty - I don't ever want to feel a complete fool again.
3. Family Commitment.

I really hope that one day SF will be no. 1. It used to be so important in our relationship and it was fun.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Nope... it tends to be more fun when someone is there to laugh at us!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Hey, with your top three needs being SF... you must have one clean house!

It was a joke Jenny, and my fiance' reads that thread. I was trying to provoke him into posting. Didn't anywone see the LOL behind it?

I still wouldn't label anything on the list as being an emotional need. A preference or a desire perhaps, but not an emotional need. Those things are not required for emotional health. They may be required as part of a good marriage, but they do not make for emotional health or happiness. But that's just my opinion, having met all those needs for myself, for most of my life.

Okay. Where is an appropriate place to start?

weaver:


This was extremely well stated.

I've been trying 2 think of something 2 post on this EN thread, but couldn't think of anything other than just jokes, and so far I haven't.

In my very core, I feel that the whole EN issue misses the mark of a truly fulfilling relationship. But your post nailed it.

If I were 2 add anything from my own viewpoint, it would be 2 say that a good marriage would also come out of personal emotional health and happiness. Kind of like David Schnarch's "diffentiation" concept.

-ol' 2long

Mine are:
SF
Honesty & Openness
Admiration

My FWW has the other 7 nailed, she's just not meeting #1 very well.

V/r,
No way

Mine are -

1) Honesty & Openness
2) Affection
3) SF

When I rank them I try not to let the undermet SF need automatically go to the top; instead adopting the 'if you could only get one need met what would it be' philosophy.

I was cheated on in other prior relationships so H/O is a requirement.

[color:"red"] FROZ[/color]

LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I thought we'd stared already!

Discussing honesty-openness I was thinking ...

some of the dishonesty in any marriage is our own dishonesty, directed at ourselves

I am dishonest with myself as much as the next person

do you think this matters in a marriage if we are dishonest with ourselves?

Pep

Harley writes:

I call those our most important emotional needs because, when met, they make the largest Love Bank deposits of all. And those are the very same emotional needs that a husband and wife expect each other to meet in marriage.

Harley is specifically refering to love deposits made in the context of MARRIAGE that are deliberately & lovingly made by us to please our spouse & to make our spouse HAPPY

because this makes the MARRIAGE joyful

and

if we want our spouse to please us & make love deposits in OUR bank ... we will need to know & express which deposits produce the highest dividends in OUR bank

the single/divorced lists are "wish lists" and/or shopping lists to pick out suitable partners

2Long ... if your wife made sweet passionate love to you every day of the week, YOU would be helplessly and hopelessly IN LOVE with her in short order

... so <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> there !

Pep

Yes, I think it matters.

The truth still remains the truth, whether someone is willing or able to recognize it or not.

Do you mean like this...



Do you mean like...

recognizing a situation for what it IS, rather than what you would like for it to be?

Sorry, Weave, I didn't mean to sound snotty. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I was just using what you said as an example.

2long, you KNOW one of your EN's is Scarlett Johansen. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

yeah, this is what I mean

I can be "helpful" in my own mind and my "helpfulness" can be a complete turn off for my husband at the same time ... so unless I want to turn him off, I better get real with myself

that is what I mean
loving myself (and my H) is less complicated if I am being honest


honesty from my H does me NO GOOD if I am dishonest with myself
Pep

I see.

I'm glad you mentioned this. I just happen to have a friend in this exact situation! I would love to help her learn to stop doing this. What sorts of things can I suggest to her? Most of the time, she doesn't seem to be able to recognize that she is doing it, which would make it difficult for her to stop.

I think this would be very hard for her to accomplish. She seems to have a lot of obstacles.

ROTFLMFAO! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Possibly, but more likely I'd need a wheelchair 2 get around! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Seriously, her A was one of those where she thought she could love both of us, so I was never lacking in the SF dept. I just didn't have her undivided affection, didn't know I didn't, and therefore didn't know that our SF couldn't have been more fulfilling all those years,

-ol' 2long

[color:"red"] FROZ [/color]

I donno kiddo

unless she's asked you for help ... it's pretty much gonna fall on deaf ears

Pep