Can't seem to figure this one out. I could use some multiple choice.

I know that there is not a higher priority need.

I have really thought about this. Here is how I know that there is not a higher priority need...

Because this is a pattern for me...ignoring obvious dishonesty.

I tried to think of needs that are met on a regular basis to see if maybe I was fooling myself into thinking those needs were a higher priority than I was willing to admit. I examined them all, really.

The thing is, through each relationship, the needs that were being met were not consistently the same. In fact, they were very different.

Therefore, I deduce that I do not have an EN that I am not being honest with myself about, regarding it's importance to me.

My gut tells me that Honesty & Openness is my #1, as previously thought. But there is something there that I don't see...something about trying to get that need met from a relationship where it is NOT being met. THAT is the pattern. I can't figure out why. I sense that this is something really important to know.

What are some possible reasons that someone would do this?

Well, approaches like Imago would suggest that someone who behaved like this was trying (fruitlessly) to correct a situation from their past. As in, they grew up with a parent who was not honest to them, and they are then attracted to partners who are similarly dishonest, in the subconscious hope that they can persuade this partner to be honest, and thus perform a retrofit correction on the historical figure. Which, of course, can never happen.

Does that ring any bells?

TA

It most certainly fits.

Well, that was certainly quick and painless (the answer, not the pattern). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


Then what?

1. honesty & openness

2. admiration

3. SF

coincidentally I am getting none of these. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Gosh, Froz, analysing is my forte, not solving things. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I need to find my Imago book.

The 'can never happen' bit refers to the fixing-of-the-past-relationship; not the present one. In fact, Imago suggests that we instinctively find partners who have all the right characteristics for sorting ourselves out.

The best I could explain this to myself was: the places in our current relationship where there is high (negative) intensity are flagging up the parts of ourself that we need to focus on. As in: when my H gives into me easily, I feel a lot of emotion, and most of it is subconsciously remembering my father giving into my domineering mother, usually to my detriment. So H submits, I feel like a small child who is going to be bullied. Once I worked that out, I could stop myself from going into a tailspin if he gave into me too easily.

The general principle is to use the present-day relationship to work through all the 'knotted muscles' left over from the past, so that the subconscious stuff doesn't affect the present-day You.

Imago would suggest that Patriot instinctively chose you for similar reasons, and that you are his path out of a personal mess too.

If nothing else, you can work out where you're projecting from the past onto Patriot, and what subconscious payoff you're getting every time he rubs past the sore spot.

That any help?

TA

Lol!

Me, too, with the exception of myself...very difficult perspective angle.



Thanks for clarifying.

I am familiar with the Imago theories, so you aren't speaking Greek.



Does this mean that my need for Honesty & Openness is irrational and/or exceeding healthy standards?

OR...

Should my focus be less on my need and more on my response to the converse...DIShonesty?

Of course since it is ME, I don't find it to be irrational at all, so maybe I am lacking perspective.

I have worked very hard at removing the things that might make it more difficult for Patriot to be honesty with me...namely the LB's of angry outbursts, DJ's and a healthy separation of self - not allowing his thoughts or feelings to define me or take them on as meaning something about me.

I realize that receiving honesty from him is not something that is within my control, but it makes sense to me to remove any barriers that I might be putting up that make it more difficult. The rest, I believe, is his choice.



Since I can't control what he chooses, this could be something to focus my efforts on.

No clue how to figure this out.

Is there anything that was helpful to you in answering these questions?


Very helpful. Thank you so much for your responses!

Pep,

I thought of a better example to illustrate what I am trying to ask regarding using good judgment vs. DJ'ing and trying to prove intent. I don't think I was explaining it very well.

Hypothetical:

A FWW is on the computer. Her H asks her what she is doing. She replies, "I'm about to go to the store."

The H suspects she avoided the question. He wonders if she did so intentionally or if it was just a misunderstanding.

Intent seems important. If her avoidance was intentional, it looks suspicious to H. If it wasn't intentional, is it fair to the W that it withdrew love units and is categorized as an LB in the honesty and openness account?