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medc Offline OP
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I am curious about peoples thoughts on a FWS NOT informing their affair partners spouse of the affair. I just find it hard to accept people on this site that are still doing something to harm a BS... even if it is the affair partners spouse.
For me there is no acceptable excuse for a person that has done this great harm to another to not apologize for what they have done and to bring the other BS out of the dark when it comes to their actions.
Further... it really gets me how anyone that is still acting in what I consider to be a deceitful and disrespectful way can be looked to for advice on this site.
Am I missing something here or does morality have no place on this board any longer?

MEDC

Last edited by mkeverydaycnt; 02/04/07 10:21 PM.
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I'm not here to talk about LG (even though OPS should always be notified), but what did DF say on his last post that he deleted?


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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medc Offline OP
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I am not mentioning anyone by name and am not quite sure what you are referring to regarding DF.

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I'm missing something, MEDC...

Your title goes to the integrity of the FWS...not the BS? When a couple is committed to recovery, why don't both of them inform OPS? A joint act of honesty?

I don't know what thread your question might have arisen from...so I'm going big picture here. Help me if I missed the target range, 'k?

LA

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MEDC:

You are the squirrelly one aren't you.

How tall is that pedestal you are on?

Since I am the little tiny man, it looks really BIG to me.

But since you asked....

This choice has worked for my BS and me in our situation.

I WILL never stop my BS from informing anyone, including OWH, of what I did with OW.

If she wants to talk, she can go right ahead.

I accept anything that may come of this.

I posted something about a week ago on a thread about exposing to OP spouse when the time between DDay and last Contact had been excess of 16-18 months.

I stated that they should not. Time has passed, and NC established. To the BS satisfaction.

Melody Lane, in particular, blasted me on this. Sooo, I went down to the private, DR HARLEY Question and Answer area of this site, (MEDC, you can go there right?, OH, I'm sorry you never paid Dr Harley anything to be here have you?) and looked into WHAT HE THINKS. And Dr. W. Harley DOES advocate notifying the OP Spouse of what a scoundrel the OP really is. He did not, in any of the posts I was able to read, specifically address the time frames involved between exposure, DDay and NC established. If you would like, I will post a question to him regarding time frames. And will refrain from answering that type of question going forward.

So, if you think I do not have "Integrity" and do not belong around here, then thumbtack a thread to the top of every forum and warn everybody about my lack of "Integrity"

But at least then I wouldn't think you were just chickensh!t, and had enough gumption to address it directly.

And how many threads have you been asked to leave? 4, 5? And how often have the Moderators edited and/or DELETED your posts?

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Look....I am not sure why you're concerning yourself with others actions. Recovery is quite personal and if people feel as if exposing to the other parties doesn;t benefit them then leave them be....

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does morality have no place on this board any longer



And this statement really gets me heated up....do not project YOUR morality.....on anyone, it is quite rude....

Many of the concepts of this site are that concepts, not gospel...not directives....not RULES....

if you do not like someone's "morality"....ignore them....don;t listen to what they have to say....but most of all.....oh...never mind...

I will tell you....this is a reason why I remain scarce around here.....some of you all are missing the big picture....in a big way.....

I need to add something...

I really think there are a few, in my humble opinion, that need to READ MORE and POST LESS

Last edited by Send me on my way; 02/03/07 04:23 PM.

Me BS - 44
FWW- 42
EA for 4 years with fellow employee
became PA in Jan 04 - I knew of this one.
Seperated/ Divorced July 03
2 sons 14 & 12
D Day -6/26/04- PA in 1998 for about 1 year- I had NO idea.
recovery and reconciliation began 6/27/04

Remarried 2/18/06

My story?? Click below.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=129980&Number=1575914
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"bring the other BS out of the dark..."

Amen, brother! Someone, anyone, let the other BS know what's happened to their life! I don't believe there's a BS on this site who wouldn't have wanted to know what the he!! was happening (and to finally know that they weren't really crazy after all) while their spouse was "schtupping" someone else.

Contrary to some (all too) common societal beliefs...ignorance is NOT bliss and what you don't know CAN hurt you.


Me, 58
Her, 52 (called away 4/5/2005)
Married 32+
d-day (this time) 6/13/04
children - grown

The highest courage is to dare to be yourself in the face of adversity. Choosing right over wrong, ethic over convenience, and truth over popularity...these are choices that measure your life.
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LG, your sig line asks..."How do you distract yourself from doing what it takes to be remarkable?

Allow me to answer: by convincing yourself that the "right" thing, really isn't (and then acting accordingly).


Me, 58
Her, 52 (called away 4/5/2005)
Married 32+
d-day (this time) 6/13/04
children - grown

The highest courage is to dare to be yourself in the face of adversity. Choosing right over wrong, ethic over convenience, and truth over popularity...these are choices that measure your life.
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I am curious about peoples thoughts on a FWS NOT informing their affair partners spouse of the affair.

I am in favor of letting the wronged spouse in on the BIG secret in his/her M

I just find it hard to accept people on this site that are still doing something to harm a BS... even if it is the affair partners spouse.

I find that when I do not "accept" someone's past behavior my recourse on a message board is (usually) to ignore him/her

or, to keep myself detached from them emotionally



For me there is no acceptable excuse for a person that has done this great harm to another to not apologize for what they have done and to bring the other BS out of the dark when it comes to their actions.

I understand your position


Further... it really gets me how anyone that is still acting in what I consider to be a deceitful and disrespectful way can be looked to for advice on this site.

well, I've decided to trust folks to determine who they trust theirownselves

posters are not idiots (not usually <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> )



Am I missing something here or does morality have no place on this board any longer?

[b]I'm certain morality does matter.

When I am in disagreement with you MEDC, I usually leave you alone ... let the one asking for advice decide who they think has the better ideas

Pep

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I WILL never stop my BS from informing anyone, including OWH, of what I did with OW.

If she wants to talk, she can go right ahead

LG...

Does your wife fully understand how much that exposing to OWH would protect your marriage???

Wouldn't she have wanted to be told???

How do YOU feel about the decision not to inform the other victim in this???

I'm not beating up on you, my questions are very sincere, but I will tell you that I don't agree with your decision to keep the other BS in the dark...And I do believe with all of my heart that it WILL affect your recovery with Mrs. LG even though you do not see it...I'm very afraid that this "decision" will not serve anyone well...I see many times in your posts some defensiveness that I as a FWS recognize from some of my earlier posts...It seems that you still identify very much with a WS rather than a FWS-you even refered to yourself the other day as "The resident WS around here"-Not a title that I would compete with you for-Nor do I think that you want that...Perhaps leaving the other victim in the dark is a part of this? A roadblock for you...Would you mind discussing it with me???

Mrs. W

P.S. FWIW, I do believe that you are very sincere in your recovery efforts, btw...Not that you need my approval...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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MrsW:

Thanks for your response.

I will try to answer.

Your first question:

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Does your wife fully understand how much that exposing to OWH would protect your marriage???


I will not presume what her thoughts are completely. But we have discussed it. At Dday. Afterwards, and even recently. She describes regret at not having done it. But, she does know that OW has moved out of state after doing a Plan D. OWH knows who I am. I am certain of it. OW could have told her, but he also could have surmised. Presumption on my part. MY W did not do it. I realize now, but we did not realize at Dday and immediatly afterwards that exposure would have been a good thing.

Next:

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Wouldn't she have wanted to be told???


In our case, OW told my W about US. My W had suspected for over a year at that point, but this was the true confirmation. But, no, as far as I can remember, BS and I never discussed this particular question. And we have had alot of discussions about the A and other issues. And if the roles were reversed, I believe that she would like to have be told.


Third:

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How do YOU feel about the decision not to inform the other victim in this???


As I said earlier, I think he already knows. And I am comfortable about that decision. And that might anger some BS around here. I apologize for that. But, it seems that my BS and I have made a choice that works for our situation. Is it 100% Harley approved? Probably not. But it worked for us.

Fourth:

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you even refered to yourself the other day as "The resident WS around here"-


Yes, I did. But in this particular case, and even though my sig line notes my status, I wanted to be clear upfront, in that post, where I was coming from. I really have nothing to hide. Including you and a couple of others, there are few of us FWS around here, so I self-identified.

And if I seem a little defensive at times? Well, that just might be the direction I come from sometimes. (IRL, I tend to ask awkward questions alot, and I seem to have a certain defensiveness anyway) I am the Formerly Wayward Spouse. And that title was bestowed on me by my Betrayed Spouse. It was not self-given. And I might not be fully along in this process of full recovery yet. But if there are any issues holding us back, this one, in our particular situation, isn't it.

I should ask her directly.



BTW: How much snow now?

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Not disclosing to a BS would lose you any hope of having my respect or friendship under any circumstances other than one in which the ignorant BS is literally at deaths door whether you are a WS...FWS...BS.

Is that a straightforeward enough position MEDC?


Cowards die many times before their deaths; The valiant never taste of death but once ~Shakespeare
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medc Offline OP
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Noodle... absolutely yes, that answer is to the point. Thanks for the reply.

LG... as far as you go... I purposely did not address you directly in this thread and will not do so again.
But since you asked how tall that pedestal is... I would say it only appears as a pedestal to you since you are looking from such a low position. You screwed his wife...YOU owe him the apology. If it were my wife and I found out later on and YOU chose not to inform me... trust me... I would come looking for YOU. Hopefully justice knocks on your door one day soon.

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(MEDC, you can go there right?, OH, I'm sorry you never paid Dr Harley anything to be here have you?)

Didn't need to... I am very happy with my IC. And funny... but the only reason you paid anything to be here is because you screwed around. Do you think that earns you some special badge? I think not!

And as far as those leaving this topic alone... I would ask some others if you took the same position when Suzet did the same thing. I seem to remember her being blasted here for her actions... and her reasons were a heck of a lot more justifiable than those offered here recently.

Again, I purposely left names out of this to just address the topic. LG...I may address the topic but you will never hear another word from me.

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But at least then I wouldn't think you were just chickensh!t, and had enough gumption to address it directly


And since you want to run with stuff like this..I did address it right to you in another thread and didn't feel the need to do it again.

But since part of my property is in MD, I feel I must be close to being a neighbor of yours... so feel free to email me and we can meet for coffee to discuss your impression of my cowardice. I am never one to not be willing to address my concerns directly with someone.... be it on a forum or face to face. It's just my way.

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medc Offline OP
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LA... I would say that I hold the FWS to a different standard so far as informing the OBS... my reasoning is because the FWS is the one that had sex with their partner. The BS... if they are able, should expose when necessary... but the apology needs to come from the FWS, IMO.

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if you do not like someone's "morality"....ignore them


yes, heaven forbid someones actions and integrity are actually questioned.

Thanks for your advice. I will take it into consideration.

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I really think there are a few, in my humble opinion, that need to READ MORE and POST LESS


I would agree, so hopefully you go back to reading.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

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Further... it really gets me how anyone that is still acting in what I consider to be a deceitful and disrespectful way can be looked to for advice on this site.
Am I missing something here or does morality have no place on this board any longer?

I kinda thought this was an open forum, for all of us who were trying to R from infdelity. I thought all were welcolm. It seems that you, MEDC, are now trying to qualify who has the right to post here or not.

I can tell you that this line of thought will quickly disqualify you as someone who can actually be of any real help!!

You can have all the private thoughts you want in your "pedastalled" position you have put yourself into, but trust me, if that doesn't change, you will not have much effect on newbies who don't yet quite know what you are talking about.

Withold your judgement if you can. This will serve you no good purpose.

LG, I'll play a round with you anytime. But I'm happy to break 100 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />.

This whole thought has been hashed out in a thread by Lemonman called Karma, just about a year ago. Look it up. Read all 20 pages of that thread. Before it was shut down by Justiss.

All Blessings to all, but this thread is a can of worms.
Jerry

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I kinda thought this was an open forum, for all of us who were trying to R from infdelity. I thought all were welcolm. It seems that you, MEDC, are now trying to qualify who has the right to post here or not.


Not at all... anyone has a right to post here... and anyone that posts here can offer their opinion... as I have....
As you can see there are some that accept and support this position and others that feel it is too harsh. You are certainly entitled to your view.... but I stand by what I said because I believe a BS always has a right to be informed.

MEDC

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And as far as those leaving this topic alone... I would ask some others if you took the same position when Suzet did the same thing. I seem to remember her being blasted here for her actions... and her reasons were a heck of a lot more justifiable than those offered here recently

NOT the same situation MEDC, and I am surprised that you can't see it...LG has NOT been here nearly as long as Suzet and has not stumbled in his recovery as she has WITH MB principles under her belt...Give the man time to process and learn...It does take time...

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Mrs. W... I started this thread with NO names on it. While I see the validity of your position, 14 months should be enough time for someone to know that they have wronged someone and should make it right by apologizing and exposing. Just my opinion. We can differ on this... I am okay with that...but I am not okay with keeping quiet about any (not just LG) FWS deciding it is their right to keep this information from a BS. And frankly, one shouldn't need to read Dr. Harley or be here for an extended period of time to get that when they wrong someone they owe them an apology. I think that is just part of being decent. Again, just my opinion that I stated without naming anyone on this thread.

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