Guess I don't understand the point in this....

Why?

If you don't want a FWS as your buddy, then fine.
But why chase one away from posting here?
Why offend and confront?
What is the point?

And I think they can be respected and looked to for advice. Advice that only they have the perspective to give....so why chase them off?

I agree Lexxxy. But where did I chase one off?????

signed....

Confused

didn't mean you personally BigK.....just the thread in general...
And the cumulative effect.

Hmm..

So far I'm seeing:

(1) BS who believe that the OPS ahould be informed of the A, period.
(2) FWS who believe that there are circumstances under which it isn't necessary to inform the OPS of the A.

My question: who's more likely to know what's the best approach to take for the BS (because that's what the OPS is): another BS, or a FWS?

Sadly, it seems that WS, former or otherwise, really don't know what a BS goes though. The longer the time between betrayal and discovery, the worse the raw painful emotions that a BS goes through on D-Day.

OK. For the record, let me state I love FWS's who have earnt the "F". I am in awe of many of them on these boards.

Good summary MIM.

I guess a BS has far more empathy for another BS than a WS or a FWS.

I am shocked and dismayed by the tone of this thread. I do not know enough about any of you to have formed any opinions as to whether I agree with your particular viewpoints are not. But to start this thread, worded such as it is, is quite obviously a very thinly veiled attempt to bash someone in particular. I could see that and I don't even know any of the parties involved. This post was meant to agitate and provoke a particular person with the hopes that others would join in and agree with the original poster to prove just how unworthy this person's stance on the issue is.

Regardless of your opinions, I would think, of all people in the world, people here could manage to discuss matters with civility and without resorting to sneaky tactics and name calling.

But I'm not mentioning any names or anything...

where is the moderator?

P.S. I would also think alienating FWS's would not be beneficial to one's goal of trying to repair marriage with a WS. I'm more likely to second guess posting myself.

lol

BTW... this topic has been discussed several times in my two years here... so obviously it is not reserved for any one poster.

For the record, I am a VERY strong believer that a BS should be told.
But I also believe the BS THAT YOU ARE MARRIED TO should have the final say. LG's BS did not require, request, or pursue it. And as a matter of honor, he should honor her wishes first. If the OW and her BS were still married, I might encourage them to pursue disclosure. Since that is not the case, I will respect them for what they have chosen to do.

Where I have a problem with this thread is in the very first post -- where it is suggested that any advice by a FWS should be disregarded. Not only does that offend the target (those FWS that have not apologized to the OPS), it also offends me. I assume my advice is not respected either, because I am sure I have not lived up to the standard of recovery as dictated.

So perhaps the cumulative affect I referred to is that more FWS will leave than just the original target.

How is what I said funny? Because I'm a FWW? You can try and deny your intent, but it's obvious to everyone what it was. You know how I know...? The OM in my story was JUST LIKE THAT...

I'm not saying I agree with not telling. I actually believe that spouses should be told. I dislike your tactics for getting your message across, yet I agree with your viewpoint.

MomtoAandZ,

Chill out. Different posters have different styles. If you dislike someone's posting style, choose to ignore them. There are people here who don't like my style but I think I have posted to you a few times over the last few days.

We all have different styles and methods and they appeal to different posters. It's all good.

If someone is "run off" it's their choice, not someone else's fault.

BK

Can I say one thing and then I'll go away? I was very nearly an XBH. I went through a period before Dday where I got the ILYBANILWY speech and my life began to crumble. I thought I had a great marriage. Let's say that WW decided she wanted a divorce and got one. Let's say I never knew about the A and that I just assumed that she met someone new after leaving me and went off and apparently lived happily ever after. This could have happened VERY EASILY in my sitch. I only found out about the A by freak circumstance (yes there is a God).

My self-esteem took a huge hit. I blamed myself for everything (ww certainly helped me in that regard). If I had been told about the A, it would have helped me to understand that I was not the problem but rather the A. I would like to know the truth about the demise of my marriage. It would help me significantly in my personal healing. So I cannot buy into the argument that, since OP and XOPS are divorced, that it no longer matters.

[Sorry for posting on your thread MEDC.]

Nothing could be further from the truth. It has NOTHING to do with the status as a FWS... it has EVERYTHING to do with the issue being discussed. I have great respect for a great number of FWS on this site. There is nothing in my post that implys anything of this sort... it is reserved for the issue at hand which is notification of the BS.... nothing more and nothing less.

Actually MEDC - I think the title of this thread is very misleading - It equally concerns both the BS and FWS IMO.

Not sure why you are apologizing... but thanks for your thoughts.

I think Pio answered Lexxxy's question very well.

There is a point imo in which it ceases to be a "marriage recovery" issue and becomes a "personal integrity" issue.

Going directly against the wishes of your BS is likely going to be a love buster no? Especially in the wake of an affair?

Nevertheless I can not respect a person who steps over their victim to save themselves from a few more lashes...nor can I respect a person who ought to know better...who ought to remember what it is like to be deceived and volunteers someone to that fate so they don't have to be uncomfortable or inconvenienced.

Harley does not deal with personal integrity. He does not claim to be either a messiah or a guru.

He helps negotiate marriage recovery based on his knowledge of addiction and emotional need satisfaction.

That's about it.

When it crosses the bridge from marital to personal his opinion on the matter ceases to be of any particular relevence.

Totally agree with Noodle. Well said.

Thank you Noodle... that about sums up my feelings.

BK... as far as your question about the BS and FWS... I think my point is... and it has been discussed on Suzets thread... is that it is the FWS that has harmed the OPS and therefore even if their BS does not want to disclose for whatever reason, this is still something that the FWS has done to harm another and needs to make that right. That is why I only mention FWS int he thread title.