It's Superbowl Sunday. I forgot until a few days ago as I've been busy with my work.

I run a homebusiness that's quite intense every other month. So I'd emailed my boy's dad
asking when he was coming next, I emailed him my schedule weeks ago and said if he
wanted to come this weekend that I'd REALLY need help with my boy as I'm on a serius
work deadline (and I don't have daycare as I fired the psycho lady that was screaming the
lord's name in vain at children when I was there several weeks ago).

He emailed back that he'd come this weekend for sure, although he wants to come on an
"internet special" only basis, deciding on each Wed when the specials come out if he'll
come or not - basically meaning by boy and I are at his beckon call. Of course with his
selfish narcissistic personality, he thanks that's fine. I'd told him that if he couldn't really
want him then I'd have to line up a babysitter.

So I tried to maintain control when he said he was coming at 4 pm yesterday, Sat and then
was leaving by noon today, Sun, keeping his boy overnight at the hotel as they do. Ok, I
know from checking his email (yes that I do this is questionable but I'm able to see how
he's such a liar) that his flight doesn't leave until Mon at noon. So as I waited for him to
leave today - the past two visits are the first time in two years since I left that he's allowed
to even come in my house - I tried to maintain control when he said his flight leaves so
early Mon that he has to get back to the city to be by the airport in the am.

The truth I told him is that it's Superbowl sunday, and football - no not just football, but
drinking and hanging out with his alcoholic buddy where he always stays a night while
here is more important then his son. And of course he's not going to arrange to do
anything that would actually "help" me, he never has. While we were married he said the
baby was my "job" and even though I was working all hours of the night to keep my
business afloat, he had no empathy, he'd sit in the basement drinking and watching tv
every night. My dad was dying of cancer, it was awful and I was very alone in a big house
on the hill.

I told him that there's going to be a day that his boy figures this out - that his father flies
into town once a month or so... at HIS convenience - buying toys, filled with flash as we
deal with daily reality. How sad for a little boy to realize that its not just sports and
buddies, it's drinking that's more important then him. I told him to go, leave, go hang out
with his buddies, hit the keg and wake up with a hangover close to the airport. But to not
even bother to discuss reconciliation ever again. Nothing has changed. He's all "talk." He
even left an article written by a man about reconciliation with his wife as a hint - although
he doesn't talk to me about it - just whines here and there that HE'S lonely.

He once said he didn't understand what my boy and I have been through. No, I told him,
there's have to be some ability to empathize, which he appears to have none. I tried to
maintain my cool today, I didn't completely blow up at the idiot - I just told him to get the
heck out of my house, get to his game, his beer, and stop pretending. That we need to
finish the divorce and get some rules set up so he can't just come and go as he pleases.
He lives in another state and this isn't fair to me - I can't have hiim just showing up when
he wants, disrupting our lives and leaving when he wants. I was so specific this time that if
he comes I REALLY need help. So here I am at 2 pm on a Sunday, I'll be up all night likely
and I'm exhausted.

I grew up with sports. I know I have buttons. My brothers were the number one athletes in
the state I grew up in. Sports was everything. I was the only girl. It's not that men are into
sports, its that it's when it's coupled with drinking, and when it's more important than
family. I remember feeling invisable growing up. Now I feel it again, so inferior.

But this isn't the first time sports has been more important, or his drinking buddy. Once I
checked his email about a year ago, found out he was worried about ballgame tickets to
opening day baseball. He actually flew to my state, was a few hours away, I was on a
deadline, my babysitters were out of town and I stayed up all night two nights in a row. He
lied, said he wished he could be here to help. I already knew he was in our state, called
and left a message on his voice mail that I had a question. When he returned the call he
said he was sorry he didn't get back to me right away as he was at a business meeting
over the weekend (really he was drinking and at a ballgame). My boy hadn't seen his father
in over three months at the time.

At least I started out my "semi-fit" by saying I did appreciate the trips he's made here
(really the man's showed up 1-2 times a month this year after a 3-4 month track record
before) for his son's sake. And of course I didn't expect him to do anything for me, or to
help even though we'd emailed about it in advance and I thought I was "covered." Of
course if I'd known it was Superbowl weekend I would have realized this would have
happened. He could have warned me. I just ignore anything related to sports - but he
knows that. Truth is he didn't "go out of his way" to see his boy this very weekend of all of
them, he was likely planning a football party with his stupid drunk buddy that's had three
dui's. I really thought it was true, what he emailed a month ago, that he'd plan to be here
specifically this weekend to help out.

I see over and over and over again how this man is. Yet I can't proceed to divorce him. He
didn't pay a dime in child support until I filed for a divorce, then some attorney told him
he'd better start being a father or I'd take his rights away - and since he's been showing
up like clock work. Someone said I need to finish the divorce to make my own life easier,
so that I'll have a schedule and KNOW when he's coming and leaving. Then if he doesn't
show I can go to the judge and get a new parenting plan in place. If he's been a violent
jerk - yup, this is the same man that smashed me around constantly, and the last time
with a baby in my arms... then he deserves to have limitations. I'm enabling, am I
enabling? I'm a nice person, he knows that, and he's the type that pushes and pushes to
get his way...

I cried in front of him today. I swore I'd never do that again. I just read a book a shrink I
recently met at a coffeeshop, Emotional Intelligence, and IT'S HIM. It is. He thinks he's
smarter then everyone else, he's above us all, he's a high paid banker, president of course
with fancy cars... but emotionally he's an idiot. Really, he's now 49 years old, 12 years
older then me, and is acting like a college kid coming and going to "see his son" and I can
only imagine what him and his buddy are doing while he's here visiting... actually I don't
want to imagine it. I don't think it's likely just drinking, it's probably those bars and places
that exploit women or something. Here I've been working so hard at trying NOT to let him
get to me. It's ok that he gets to me though isn't it? How the heck am I going to get on
with my life if I don't really feel the ANGER? It's just that little miini dream that things will
change and we'd reconcile - if that's what he wanted woudn't he have gone out of his way
to stay the day, the night and get up even at 6 am tomorrow to get to the airport - for a
flight that really doesn't leave first thing. The look on his face when I asked when the flight
leaves, the look of a LIAR - first thing (he has no clue of course I check his email now and
then).

I just needed to vent. How does anyone really get the strength to get a divorce? My wish
list for the year, to settle this, get the settlement I deserve, find a nice little house/condo
to buy for my boy in a better neighbor that he deserves... but as his daddy knows I'm a
wimp, I always back out. But today I wasn't a crying wimp, I cried because I hurt. Yet I was
firm about telling him to leave my house NOW as I have work to do, and that I hoped my
boy would quietly play while I work so I'm not up all night. And when he didn't leave I
repeated it until he left reminding him that the keg and buddies were waiting for him... no
it's not just football that enrages me, it's the opening day baseball game, it's all the nights
I sat upstairs alone in our big house with a baby. Basically I'm no more alone as a single
mom - it just doesn't hurt like it did having a husband that couldn't care less.

Well back to work. Thank you cyberspace for listening to me.

Swed

Horsey,
You are my alterego. You should listen to what I say and learn to live it.

He will never be the father you want him to be. But he may be the best father he can be.
He will not put your child first in your mind, but in his mind he is making an effort to see his child (with a game on the side).
In his mind, he moved away to make a good living to support his child. In his mind, this is not abandonment.

You must let go your expectations of him, as a parent, as a spouse and as a person. He will never be the parent you expected or wanted for your child. Deep down you know that now. Deep down, you want to believe he can/will be the parent you hear (read) him say he is. In your mind, he never will be.

Let go of these expectations now when your son is young. Don't let your child see that you resent your X because he is not the father you wished for him.

When you figure out how to do this, please let me know, because although I can write the words, I can't seem to let it go. What father wouldn't want to take his daughter to the father daughter dance? Who cares if he wouldn't enjoy it, she would. Some fathers would not do things just for their kids. They don't get that, and they never will. Stupid us, we married them and we believed (still) their words.

PS. as a financial person, I can understand about hedging the bets on the internet air specials.
On a side note, a neighbor's child lives in another state, and he flies down at least once a month, gets her, flies back with her so she can spend time at his house, and flies her back home. At least once a month. Sometimes, new wife & baby fly there with him to see child's events. I'm amazed when I see fathers who will do anything to see their child, and disappointed that mine can't be bothered with special events even 25 miles away.

It's hard to let go. It is hard to accept that the man we once so admired and honored is not the man we thought them to be. A WS is not a good parent. You need integrity to be a good parent.

I used to think my H (also a bank manager btw) as the personification of integrity. Then I thought he just made a mistake and he would fix it. Then I realized it wasn't a mistake, his cheating was intentional and he planned on continuing forever. That is reality. I can't change it.

What can I do? Well, you know all those wonderful attributes that I wished for in my XH? I have taken those attributes on as my own...

Let's rid our homes and hearts of WS crap and turd. We can make our homes an inspiring and safe place for our children to be. We can't shelter our children from crap their whole lives, but we can teach them the difference through example!

Great thoughts. We can be the parents we want our children to have, even as a single parent.

horsey2:

Be careful you don't set yourself up for disappointment like you seem to do.

1) If you tell your ex2b that you really need him, then for sure you won't get him. The more important it is to you, the less it is to him. Imoortant that he sees his son? Not to him. Important that he see him THIS WEEKEND? Not to him.

2) Your ex2b clearly has some issues...maybe he is a Narcissist..I am not sure. However, you keep expecting him to act like a normal person. You have to convince yourself he has some kind of mental disorder and CANNOT act normal. I see you getting yourself into a tizzy when you interact with him. That's like getting mad at a down syndrome person because they can't think fast. You are letting him have the control...in fact you are trying to give it to him and he is taking it.

Actually I forgot I posted this venting last week on a business deadline. Thank you for the thoughts because it's true, I worked myself in a frenzy over this.

Wannabophim, Oh my gosh though, it's true. The more something means to me, the less it means to him. The more I "need" his help and even write it in black and white - if you come to see your boy plan on really watching him or don't come at all as I need a babysitter as I'm busy on a deadline - the less it means to him. Every single time since I left him more then two years ago when I've "needed" help doing what he calls "babysitting" he's been at ballgames, leaving early, making excuses... Of course nothing important to me is important to him, in fact he's backlashed anything over and over again that means something to me. The man is sick, he really is. Sickest part is he left an article written by a journalist who separated from his wife and said they likely aren't getting a divorce as all of the weekends since separation have been such fun and they bonded all over again, he reset his priorities, cared more and actually "saw" his wife... this man has never SEEN or HEARD me. I'm invisable. When I was married to him I called myself the "invisable wife."

Losttranslation, I had a lot of drive time this week and once I thought, really thought about this man I married. He was a cheater, was it accidental that this banker was at a chamber meeting drinking with his hair dresser hanging all over him right in front of me? Or the softball game with the 21 year old single mom who was one of his just a friends (that were supposedly all male) that he drank with after games while I rode my horse having no clue the group was really mostly women and he acted single. Or how about the cell records I found with calls to his "just a friend", the teacher 20 years his junior that I never even heard about when we dated three years long distance, you know when I was the "only one" for him? And how about the notes in his drawer about the website on married women who cheat on their husbands for money, a specific name and town? That's all I know about, that's all I saw and found... what else was there? Can you even imagine what there's been in the past two years since I left him? Or what goes on the day and night as he's coming and going to see his son, staying with his alcoholic buddy or doing who knows what - he always makes sure every trip to this state he stays the night with his boy, leaves late am so he has the day and next morning before his flight. You'd think, you really would, that he'd want to stay with his boy longer. You say a WS can't be a good father? It takes integrity to be a good parent. It doesn't even appear that this man has values, character or integrity, is he the ultimate pretender? A shrink once called him the master manipulator. If people don't know him, they think he's not only "normal" but very nice. I think the last couples counselor we had wanted to be married to this "nice" husband of mine... that was until I called to cancil the last appointment leaving a message that he bashed the snot out of me with a baby in my arms and there'd be no more sessions (she called over five times apologizing because our sessions were chatty about ideas for restaurants and ways to get out of the house - I needed out that was for sure!).

Newly, you are right, I need to let go of these expectations. My boy actually saw me blow his dad out of the house and I meant the "get the blank out of here NOW and go to you blankity ballgame and get drunk...:" My boy is only two, almost three but he said "stop being mean" to me. I need to stop, he's right. I need to do EXACTLY what I said and emailed him again as a reminder. Before he comes he will tell me exactly when he'll be here and when he'll leave. He will NOT come and go as he pleases, scheduling around his drunken buddies and ballgames. I will get more respect then this, if I don't I'll get a judge to back me on it. Yes I can too understand saving money with internet fares, but this man has money. He makes over 100k per year. He lives in a small town with hardly any expenses. Another $100 isn't going to make a difference to him. What he likes is to be in control, and of course he expects me to be at his beckon call and to have no life. I think the man is just "waiting it out" thinking in his head I'll actually give up my business and move to his state with the boy. No, no, no...

I stopped at a bookstore while traveling this week, and the book by Patricia Evans Controlling People was there. I am a speed reader, and I regret on one had choosing that book to drink my coffee with. But my ex is all over that book. It's actually quite sick men like this. I don't think she's into the term narccisst. She says men like this don't really hear or see you - they've already decided who you are and what your thoughts are. In all their small ways they have to control, sometimes they dont' even have a clue what they are doing, it's like they are disassociated from their feelings and others. How can this man make trip after trip here to be with his son, have some crazy idea in his head that we'll get back together magically when he's not even talking to me. BUT talking to me would mean something really scary to a wimp like this - it would mean I'm a real person, with real feelings... this is just insane. Wannab ophim, you are right, I am expecting him to act like a normal person. He has a mental disorder. He can't act normal. Yes I'm letting him get control by throwing fits at him - maybe I'm even giving it to him, I'm a part of this insane cycle aren't I? A shrink once asked why I am stuck, why can't I move on, is it because I don't really want to look at myself and my own issues, what is it?

Only you can decide what it is. He is not normal, or as you define normal. Take back control. Make the decisions you need to make for your family (of 2). Find a counselor to help you figure out the why. I have so many self help books I have yet to start, because it is hard to look at our own issues. You are not alone here.

As the esteemed Dr. Phil always says..."How's that working for you?"
So I think your shrink may be right...you are stuck in trying to get your x2b to do what you want. He won't. He never will act like the husband you want him to be. So take back the power and live your life for you and don't factor him into the equation except where necessary.