All.
I usually post on GQ II. Sometimes I feel like I'm taking up time there that could be spent trying to help someone save their M. I feel it is too late for mine.

All my story is on the GQII board.

We've been separated almost 3 years. Wow!! It is a real punch in the gut to think about that and to think that I could be D'd in about 3 weeks.

My H keeps asking/begging me to reconsider, to postpone, to stop the D. But, for what? There's just nothing left.

We don't trust each other. We don't respect each other.

I can't get past the As and abuse. But, I just keep having these really down episodes. Why did this have to happen? Why the As? Why the abuse? Could it ever work again?

Does anyone else have these issues? The thoughts that maybe it could work but you know deep in your gut that it won't.

OMG...this is exactly what I have been trying to say. Could not get it out for all the mess of emotions pent up.

YES!!! I feel exactly this way. I have been seperated for 3 months and that is not very long compared to what alot of people have gone through, but I still feel this way. I feel like I could be seperated for 3 mths or 3 yrs and it would still be the same. It is just gone. I can tell you when it left.

So what do you do with the conflict? I have been trying to grow as much as I can and working through the mystery. The whys? All the whys. That has been keeping me plenty busy.

I believe if my WH would leave OW and come back to me, we could somehow work it out. It would take tons of counseling etc. but I think it could be done.

I filed D papers after I found out WH was having a PA and living with OW. I still regret being hasty in doing this, but at the time I thought it was the right thing to do.

WH has made it clear when asked by his attorney in court the other day (we had to go for a preliminary hearing), if he wanted to reconcile with me, and WH said "No!'

I think it might have worked, but as I've said before, you can't make someone want to be with you if they don't want to be or make someone love you if they don't.

I guess that's what I'm having a hard time with. The fact that he's tossing me aside like trash, without even considering trying.

I too am going through indecision. I thought I was all set when I filed back in October. Didn't really want this but WH was in his 2nd affair that I knew of.
Now I feel like I acted to hasty, He still is seeing MOW but not living with her YET.
I would take him back with alot of work the only thing he never wanted to do the work after the first. Should of been a big red flag. We have 27 years together and 3 kids. And I still love him.

SH01

I finally filed for divorce in Jan 06. I first saw a lawyer and had separation papers drawn up on MY BIRTHDAY 2002. I was indecisive for three and a half years. In between all of that indecision we had a child, a daughter now three and a half. But once I filed this past January, I was all decisive all the time. Everyone is different but I put up with A LOT and filing for divorce and getting the divorce final in Sept 06 was the best decision I have ever made. I would suggest talking to a pro, if you aren't already. Indecision leads to lack of confidence. Lack of confidence leads to a lot of hurt. Find your convictions, stick to them, and make a better life for yourself.

I think that 60 percent or so of divorces are cancilled during the process, so of course it's normal to be indecisive. An attorney once told me that when the process gets serious is when people REALLY start thinking about divorce. There are stories, miracles throughout this site of people who have reconciled. What do you mean by abuse though? Physical, mental? Those who've been through abuse have a hard time getting out, personally I'm there. It doesn't make sense after what I've been through that I haven't divorced my husband by now. I suppose it's the dream of what could have been, a little of what was during the good times - and giving up the dream. Feeling like there's no future. There's a good divorce book out there and I forgot the name, that helps you figure out if you are really ready for a divorce or not, working through the various blocks of a divorce.

I'm there - in my case - no affairs but physical abuse as well as verbal/emotional throughout the marriage intermittantly - no period longer than about 9 months w/o some physical abuse on some level and times when it was much, much more regular.

I'm finally separated 2 weeks - but I"m having a horrible time with letting go and actually filling for divorce, feeling like he doesn't want me - still even after separated - he won't do anger management counselling, he's not begging to come back in fact he is SAYING it is over himself and I still miss him, the him when he's being nice him. It'll take a year of separation before the divorce goes through - maybe longer if there are disagreements over stuff.

I'm really grieving what could have been, what I wanted to be, the better times, and feeling horrid that not only was I physically and verbally abused over a period of years - but when I finally separated - he doesn't care enough to even TRY to reconcile or do anger management or anything else like personal counselling to try and have a hope of reconciling. Just throwing out me and our five very young children.

rejoiceministries.org

3 sides to every coin...I choose to be a stander.

I don't date, I don't hate and God is nerver late!

The book I have found very useful in working through alot of issues with seperation, reconciliation, and divorce is The Fresh Start Divorce Recovery Workbook. It has really helped me to narrow the reasons for my doubt and indecision. I am finally getting to the core of it. Now just what to do with it.

l2s,

I used to post over on GQII a lot too for a few years, now I just hang out here where it seems I am more comfortable.That board has changed a lot,and not for the better in some areas.

Anyway,doubt about decisions involving D is very common.I used to watch poster after poster give their cheating spouses chance after chance on GQ where I thought,just how long are they going to keep that up? Where is the self dignity,self respect and integrity? The question of "what if" will always be there but you have to look at reality: what is happening now.In fantasyland,sure things might work out but then you have to ask yourself what would keep you in that relationship? What is good about it?

In my case,I had enough of the cheating,the lies,the pain and the false recoveries,being the only one really working on trying to salvage our marriage and family.There was no going back for me,after a certain point.I think that was true for many I knew.You do reach a point where there just is no turning back to what the other person did to you.No matter how many "apologies" they continue to throw at you,the promises of I'll be better this time,etc,etc.

I stuck to my guns once I made the choice to end it all and am very proud of myself for doing so and I still feel very strongly that I made the right decision.Do I wish things could have turned out better? Sure.I hated the thought that I would be divorced as my own parents were and even more so that my kids had to go through all this for one selfish mans desires and behavior.I wasn't one of those to be waiting around for all eternity hoping things would get better.The time was now and my ex decided it wasn't important enough.It was more important to carry on in his A and do what he wanted despite all the suffering he was causing.

In the end though,even if my ex wanted to come back and said all the "right" things,it still wouldn't matter because although I am much better now,I will NEVER forget how I was so easily traded in for a homewrecker and all the extreme pain I was made to go through for ex's own purposes and putting me,our children,our marriage and two families through he**.If I could be treated so callously once,that is what could happen again and I no longer ever want to be with a man like that.I'd much rather be alone and happy.





One thing I used to tell people on GQ was to follow your gut.If it's telling you to do one thing,it's usually right.We are programmed to stear clear of dangerous situations in life and don't second guess yourself.You said there is no trust there,no respect( same for me back then).

Plus,a big dilemma is: has the WS really learned from their mistakes and are they willing to modify their behavior,protect the marriage,do all that it takes? Usually not.All they want is to get back in.And not really do the work of looking deep within to see why they made the choices to cheat,abuse,lie,put their own needs above all other's in their life (kind of like running over everyone trying to get out of a house on fire just to save themselves).


Feeling down about what is going on is normal.It's a sad process.But even though I was sad,I still knew it was the right thing for me to choose given the options.Just keep repeating to yourself that you deserve to be treated with respect,care and love,not lies and abuse.

Sorry this was a bit long winded.Good luck with what you decide.

Thank you AB. I have posted quite a bit on the GQ board and it actually hurt more than it helped.

Your post hits on the very core of the indecision once you have worked past the growing and realizations of what was your responsibility in the relationship.

To me this is a spiritual battle. I don't want to be outside of God's will. I know he hates divorce, but I also know he loves me and does not want me being trampled and walked on like a doormat. The thing that really hits home for me is that God would not have me act like a foolish sheep wandering. Doesn't he say to be wise and smart. How does it go..."be as shrewd as serpents and as simple as doves"

To me going back after all that was done and all that had to happen for him to start to want to see the light is too much. It would be foolish to put myself there again and no matter what changes he makes it would take years to know his motives.

The other thing is how the changes are made after seperation and when the pressure is off for the WS. They are not living with you and having to work things through day in and day out. What is to say that when something comes along hard again they will cop out.

GH,

I am sorry for GQII being hurtful to you.It does have a lot of many good,strong, wise people there ( some harsh) but I just don't like how it's changed overall.Besides it's so darn busy,I think many newbies feel lost and sink not knowing how to keep their concerns alive and,so many people have their own threads that are "miles" long,I just don't think that is fair to other's.Well,anyway.

To me,I think many people tend to blame themselves for a marriage gone bad when maybe they really didn't have much to do with it's downfall at all.One common mantra over on GQ was that we were all responsible for 50% of the "state" of the marriage.I don't know how that can factor in when you consider one spouse may be doing all the damage,through the A,lies,selfish behavior,etc.and you have to define just what "state" it is,to each of you.How many do know the answer to that question,really? No one is perfect but I hate to see blame placed on someone who doesn't deserve it.If anyone out there had the "perfect marriage" then they can cast the first stone but truly no one does.Truth be told I think it's a lot like learning on the job unless you actually do go out and have premarriage counseling/classes and read,etc.Even then it can't always prepare you for what another person is going to do in the future.If someone told me on my wedding day I'd be where I am now I would have collapsed.

God is right here with us through all of it and D is not one of the 10 commandments anyway.Adultery is there as in thou shalt not commit but I think there's a lack of sacredness to marriage these days.If you aren't happy,well then go out and find it somewhere else! I always liked the quote by Frank Pittman: "Marriage isn't supposed to make you happy,it's supposed to make you married".In other words,don't depend on someone else for your own happiness and inner worth.Marriage is what you make of it,not what it can give you as in an endless well of withdrawals you make for your own desires.That's how I see it anyway.

That's how my ex lived too.Lots of withdrawals over the years but little in return.Not that I complained much but when there's a limit to the actual things you an give to another and that doesn't satisfy them then they go elsewhere.Trying to fill voids that only they can take care themselves,no one else.That is the lesson I think that is lost on so many WS's.

Sorry for the tj l2s~ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

AmericanBeauty,
Some good advice!

Why,thank you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you AB! You are right...as a newbie I felt lost. I could not keep up and did not feel heard. Anyway, I will venture there again when I am sane enough to communicate more clearly. :-)