Although his was a dissenting post from most others, Lousy Golfer's two comments inspired me to undertake a huge introspective research journey, resulting in our decision to expose my WH's 4 month (3 D-Days) EA to OW's husband.

Thank you everyone for your willingness to post your passions on both sides of this issue. You've all assisted in helping me build my trust, which was my objective in registering with MB.



LG, here’s how you've helped us get 'unstuck'. It wasn't only what you said, but it was also how you courageously said it that inspired me to dig really deep to find:

a. Reasons to expose
b. Circumstances to consider



In my 2 weeks of prayer and research (including self exile from MB posting), here's what I discovered were my reasons and also circumstances not included in my posts (a major excluded circumstance was my H's self test and subsequent lies in mid November).


3-WORD REASONS TO EXPOSE TO OWH:

1. Builds MY Trust
2. He Deserves Information
3. Increase WH Accountability
4. Avoid Being Enabler
5. Provide Preventative Pain (as described in Carder's Torn Asunder)
6. Alleviate Future Guilt

2-WORD REASONS NOT TO EXPOSE TO OWH:

1. No Need ( Seems like NC intact)
2. Too Late (6 months since NC)
3. Violate Blackmail (My naive pledge to OW to expose only if she violates NC)
4. Avert Responsibility (for OP's S, D or suicide)
5. Avoid Retailation (OWH coming after my H or me)

BECAUSE I REALIZED THAT MY TRUSTBUILDING EFFORTS WERE STIFLED BY THE IMPACT OF THAT WORD 'SEEMS' , IT NEGATED THE ENTIRE LIST OF WHY NOT TO EXPOSE....

...so yesterday I called OWH at work and mailed a confidential package (including a letter of apology from my husband and other evidence) to the other woman's husband that was apparently signed for today. YEA! YEA! YEA!!!

Thanks to all again for your support on behalf of my STB F WH and me. I am praying that as we recover, we can be of as much help to others as you've all been to us.

Blessings to all,
Ace

Ace:

Thank you.

Keep coming back, We will be glad to continue to help!

LG

Dang,

Here I was thinking that I was going to get the credit for courageously not posting at all on your thread.

Mr. Wondering <snicker>

p.s. - It's all good

Thank YOU LG....for taking a stand in spite of what you called 'being a whipping boy' on my thread. I wanted to say something that day but I was kinda pre-occupied......it took awhile to create the evidence packet.

I could not have done it (exposed to OWH) as effectively or confidently if I had not had many handwritten cards and postmarked envelopes......we nearly burned them all after D Day #1......but we needed them to attempt to prove that my letter was true. (Even if my info falls on deaf ears at least I gave him the option to know.)

You all would have been proud of me, even those who did not think I should expose when I calmly called him to confirm a package marked confidential would actually be delivered intact to him. (He said he appreciated my thoughtfulness!) Of course, I could hardly hear him b/c my heart was beating so loudly in my throat.

To those who agreed with LG that 'under the circumstances do not expose', there were many extenuating circumstances I did not post, but they were revealed to resources who helped us. (I would have listed these details eventually, but the passionate posting took on such a fury I felt it was best if I removed myself from the fracus. Even though I appreciated everyone's input, it's a moot point now.)

I know it will take time to process this. Love to hear any hints or suggestions anyone can share on how to QUIT WANTING TO BE A FLY on their wall.

Ace

Mr. W. Where ya been? You and Mrs. W. always deserve credit. I appreciated your thread to Mr. & Mrs. LG. Pray that one day we'll have a Mr. & Mrs. Ace posting, too.

(In the meantime, I'll make up for the both of us.)

Ace

Ace,

Do keep us updated about how you and your husband feel now having done this.

It's always been a premise of mine that once it's done the hesitant exposer poster always looks back in hindsight and says "why didn't I/we do that earlier", "I/we do feel better" and "We had no idea it actually was an albatros around our neck".

Basically, some of the most hesitant exposers of the past are exposures greatest proponents of the future. It just makes so much sense NOW....doesn't it??? (may be little early for you to tell...keep us updated).

Mr. Wondering

Absolutely, MrW and Ace.

The final trick is to not spend any more time worrying about how the OP or OPS will respond or what they are or aren't doing.

I learned a bit too much about how much the OM wife was doing -- or actually NOT doing -- and it cheezed me up for quite some time. I exposed to her, he lied his slimy bald head out of it, his wife believed him . . .

Oh well.....I still have my wife and family -- who cares what he does or doesn't have.

That's the important thing at this point, Ace. Close that chapter. You did your part and now focus all your energy inward on your marriage. You'll be through this with flying colors.

Ya did good, Ace.

Keep us posted.

Artor & Mr. & Mrs. W.

My husband calls me "wonder woman", not because of any super human traits but because I WONDER about everything. This experience, while lifechanging, emphasized my need to get that aspect of my personality under control.

Artor, I'll always be grateful that you took time to reply twice to my first post just as I was about to give up.

I appreciate your suggestions to focus on my husband and me. He was against exposure initially when our MC said to "let God take care of OW and her H". When I caught him lying (Nov.06), he seemed to change when I agreed that I indeed DID DESERVED BETTER and that he should go. (Hardest words I ever had to speak, but they were effective.) He turned at the door and begged me for one last chance....his 4th strike.

Since that night, his mantra has been "I'll do WHATEVER IT TAKES to help you heal." But now, as opposed to when he said the same thing last summer, he has a contrite heart spirit to match his words. That builds my trust in him....until triggers and flashbacks sabotage my efforts.

As soon as I found this web site, registered and began posting and sharing what I was learning, he maintained that 'if it would help me heal he would do it immediately in any way I needed it done'....including exposure to OW H.

Other insights from both BS and WS perspectives would be helpful to keep my 'wonderings' positive. So, MR. W....since ya boycotted my thread (and then snickered about it) I challenge you to help keep this thread alive so others contemplating delayed exposure to OPS can be helped as much as we have.


Ace
(whose once 'holey' bucket is becoming 'whole')

Hi LG, good to see ya here (6 AM pst)

Ace

Ace:

Just looking around, before I dive into work...

OK, you have exposed, what next?

You need to look into what Emotional Needs exist between you and your WS, and purchase His Needs, Her Needs (HNHN) from this website to start reading and understanding to get your recovery rolling.

You should also purchase Surviving an Affair (SAA). You will find out alot about how your M ended up in the place it did.

Read them both with your H. Then, before long, the two of you will have a new vocabulary. Will you still fight and argue? Yes, but it will be different and you will also learn where to stop from having the argument turn into warfare.

You are on a new path. Your H still needs to really get on board, but if he has been here at MB, then that is an excellent start, and your M recovery can proceed at a significantly faster pace.

Thanks again for the shout out!

LG

ACE

Like LG said...get HNHN....but I suggest the CD audio version. Then you and your husband take a roadtrip and listen to it TOGETHER.

You can pause and discuss
You can discuss on pit stops

Men are great conversationists when driving. They don't feel cornered, no distractions, no non-verbal communication.

It's a great place to get a man to open up and REALLY TALK.

Mr. Wondering

Thanks for the heads up, LG and Mr W!

(I just completed this post, or so I thought, and went to submit and got that dastardly screen saying it was no longer valid.....so I copied it, and pulled up a new screen, and whaaala....there's a new note from MR. WONDERING, too....do you accept my challenge? Hope this works now.)

I guess we've done things backwards, but if it works, it works...right?

I accidently found SAA on a bookshelf last fall and we began reading it every night along with the Couple's Bible study outline.

Then I bought HNHN and Love Busters, which we both read...took questionnaires, remind each other often, etc. We are now reading every night and many mornings Total Forgiveness by RT Kendall and next is Falling in Love, Staying in Love.

MB sent us I promise you which I want to read before giving to our newlywed son and wife.

According to many posters on my early threads, my husband is doing far more than most WS involved with these boards....when I shared such comments with him, he wryly replied "So am I the best of the worst?"

(But, of course I told him he is second only to you, LG, and often even that is debatable! LOL...just kidding!)

But once he gets 'on board' (get it?) he could pass you up in the 'best of the worst' category! (Is there an intriguing thread here somewhere?) Not goin' there.

Let's see, what else are we doing...oh yeah, one of my biggest EN is getting long affirming messages and my H is painstakingly making efforts to write (and journal) his thoughts of me and of us and our future. He now even writes in long hand.

And, immediately after I shipped the exposure package, he called me, rejoiced with me sincerely and then mentioned Valentines Day a whole week in advance....in the past he's forgotten, acted as if he was obligated 'ta do sumtim so whada ya wanna do?' One year he gave me a card that said "From your wife" instead of "For my wife" like he thought.....and I now can't find it for the life of me.

So after next Wed, I'll fill you in on the most exciting Valentines Day I've ever anticipated in our 32 year marriage.

Sorry if this is TMI....I am practicing focusing my efforts on my husband and me....please bear with me.

Keep the suggestions coming.....I think I am experiencing withdrawal....or something....it's like Inigo Montoya in Princess Bride who, after fulfilling a major goal (revenge on the 6 finger man) said "Whoah....I've been in the revenge business for so long, now that it's over, I dunno what to do with myself."

I was not out for revenge, and my sitch is not over, but the major focus for the past 6 months has started a transition.....and I'm just askin' for help hangin' on for the ride.

Does that make sense to anyone? Sorry for the ramblin' but I'm not sure what to think right now so I'll just stop with "thanks for reading"!

Ace

Ace:

I agree with Mr. W on this as well.

I read the book, but we have the CD's and have continued to listen to them.

And I would recommend the MB weekend. Read Motarman's recent thread about his trip to the San Fran MB W/e. It has supercharged his previously reluctant WW. Yours isn't reluctant, but the MB W/E does provide a focus.

Stay with it...

I was so anxious to send that last post before it disappeared, I decided to share this important aspect of our journey separately:

We found and read the MB books in the fall and I checked out the web site often, but did NOT realize what the discussion forum was until the holidays when I had time to really dig around. I'm sure there was a reason for the delay, but as a side note to any apprehensive lurkers... even though it seems like a risk to bare your soul to unknown masses (and risk becoming a 'whipping boy' like LG), it is so worth it.

Like my previous thread said...your marriage can get 'unstuck' by just asking specific questions and then taking the answers, processing them with prayer, seeking inner truths (even if it means taking time off the boards like it did for me), and rolling with the flow that peace provides.

Ace;

Something you learn the hard way about this site like I did.

You type out your reply. Get it ready to go.

Then, before you hit CONTINUE, you highlight the entire post and hit CTRL-C, to copy it.

Then you can hit the Internet Explorer "Update" button, and then repaste (CTRL-V) into the new blank screen.

Then hit continue. And you won't lose your posts.

One more and I gotta get to work.....even if I can't really focus on anything...another area in which I need help...

Anyhow, to answer LG/Mr. W suggestion....we are planning on going to an MB weekend in March or May. And I will find the CD editions of MB books....great idea.

It's a little scary (but I'm lovin' it) to have a man "who asked me to marry him because God told him to" and the ensuing detachment that developed for 32 years and combined with a major MLC.....anyhow, it's quite foreign to have him softly sincerely say "I'll do whatever you want...just tell me when, where and how...."

But the fear of DDay #4 was just so overwhelming that it blinded me to all his efforts. That cloud, however, is beginning to take a steady flight now that the exposure package has been sent. I am even trying not to be concerned if OWH took the whole package and put it in the round file and chooses to live in denial and her lies. Their loss, right?

OK I'm really done for now. Keep the ideas coming....just ask Pep....I really like challenges!

Ace

Thanks for the tips, LG....get to work...me too.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

you will find ( like I did )

that by doing the scary thing that held you back, you begin to look up to yourself, and admire yourself .... and that new confidence will get you through any exposure fallout that may happen

once everyone who should know knows ... the affair has lost all it's stenched air and your marriage has a newness to it

an unexposed affair is like keeping soiled bed sheets under the folded clean sheets ... the top sheets look alright, but something does not smell fresh no matter how many times they are laundered ... something nasty is still there

of course
this is MY OPINION

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the insight, Pep. So who should know? Both OPS, MC, who else? Just curious.

Ace

Ace wrote:

I challenge you to help keep this thread alive so others contemplating delayed exposure to OPS can be helped as much as we have.

Okay, here's a question. Forgive me if this was covered in the other thread about exposure...

I've been debating on telling the OW's XH. They were still married, but separated, when the A began. I don't know the details about why they got separated/divorced, but I don't think it had to do with my H. I think he happened to come along when she "needed" someone.

All I know about the X is what my husband has told me... He was controlling, jealous, and basically a jerk. This, of course, came from the OW, who was sleeping with my H. I wouldn't think that she would have many flattering things to say about her X. My H also told me that their problems started when she went back to work after 15 years and he didn't like it, because he thought she would flirt with other men and he feared she would have an A. My H was still "in the fog" when he told me this, so it went right over his head (or through his ears as things often do) when I said, "Well, I guess he knows her pretty well, since that's the first thing she did."

I never even considered telling him about the A, because they are already divorced and I frankly just don't want to keep the whole drama going. However, after reading so much about exposure lately, I'm having second thoughts. In part, because he might be confused as to why she left him. She took all 3 kids (teenagers) and has turned them against him. He might feel responsible for driving her away with his jealousy and now he has to deal with his kids not having a relationship with him anymore.

The bigger part of me wants to just forget about it and let it be. I really don't want to drag this whole thing out. My H and I are doing great at recovery. He hasn't seen or talked to OW since NC day (2 days after I found out). He has changed jobs, lost all of his former friends (because they are doing the same thing and he wants to get away from bad influences), made new Christian friends, and is 100X better of a father to our boys. This will, no doubt, give OW reason to contact my H again, something she hasn't tried to do either.

Again, I apologize if a scenerio like this was covered in another thread recently that I just missed. If it was and anyone wants to quickly recap, that's cool too.

Thanks for any responses. Sorry to butt in to this thread, but Ace did pose the challenge to keep this thread alive for others like her.