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No need to apologize I.S.....the worst thing we could do is start another ruckus that will lead someone into finding help like we did....often it's at the tip of one's nose that can't be seen for the fogged up lenses perched there!

I have no idea what the pros or even Dr. and Mrs. H would say....but you might call the radio show and ask them.

My H and I were doing great, too, but I was under the cloud of fear for 2 reasons that do not apply to your sitch.

Like Dr. Harley told LG, the main reason to expose is to END the affair. Are you certain it's over? If you are then that reason is gone. The other reason given was to provide a random (or direct) act of kindness to help them with their marriage.....which is already non-existent, right?

So if all that you would accomplish was to stir up a reason for her to reconnect with your h does that fit either reason?

I pulled the trigger to try to rebuild my trust by diminishing my fears. Where are you on the 'trustometer"?

The intriguing part was exposing to OWH in of itself did not build my trust in my husband; it was seeing how supportive, cooperative, and encouraging my husband was throughout my agonizing introspection that helped assuage my fears which allowed my trust to grow.

IMHO it comes down to this question...What does your husband think? I think Dr. H would want you to involve enthusiastic RH and JA. Of course, I often think incorrectly so I'll just let others help us rookies out!

Ace

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_Ace_ Offline OP
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I.S. I found my original thread from Jan. 21 and bumped it for you. "Need Help finding OWH and exposure strategy" or something like that.

Not all, but some of the discussion could be helpful.

Ace

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Thank you!


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_Ace_ Offline OP
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Hi Inner Strength,

Checking in to see if those posts helped you decide on whether to expose to OWXH even though they're divorced.

Time passed makes no difference, but it's only been 2 months. Does your husband show any signs of withdrawal?

To me, it sounds like things have happened really fast. I forgave my H the day after Dday #1 and blindly trusted him. He immediately set up a new email account the next week but convincingly acted as if he had made all these huge changes and I naively believed him. Neither of us knew about withdrawal symptoms.

If you get no responses on this thread, I suggest you post a new one this weekend.

Ace


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but I don't think it had to do with my H

I very much doubt that. LOL. Classic.

And MrsK is the best of the worst - sorry ace. LOL.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
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Ok BIG K....I'll take the challenge!

Why is Mrs. K the "best of the worst"?

I'll bet if I tell you the depths of the pit our marriage was in compared to where we are now, that you'll agree that Mr. Ace is up there in the running!

Actually, I was thinking in gender catagories and the fact that LG was a FWH and actively posting to help other gave him the instant nod over Mr. Ace.

She can be the Queen Best of the Worst, OK? What gives her that title?

Shall I threadjack my own thread? Maybe we should move this before it gets out of hand....to where? You're a pro, I'm a rookie, but I got 'accused' of being the "most upbeat gal in Betrayedville" by Chrisner yesterday. I wear that like a crown of honor.

What say you, Big K?

Ace


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Both OPS, MC, who else? Just curious.

as the lady driving to Florida said: "It depends"

who else was harmed?

in my case, both sets of parents needed the information ~after~ the affair ended ...

HIS parents would likely run into her and she still wanted to cozy up to them ... they needed the info to protect themselves (and they did)

MY parents because I needed their counsel and support (and my H needed it too)

I also exposed to some of my friends, but that was when I was still insane <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> right after D day ... so it doesn't count <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

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Curious:
How many posters here STILL want to get back with their Ex ......even after divorce?
Seems to be a high percentage (of course, with the conditions that any A must be ended and some contrition must be shown).

So once again giving someone simple FACTUAL Information {About Their OWN LIFE, no less} .....is always Relevant for that person or individual.

Its not up to AnyOne else ......to use the WS's Mentality of "I'll decide WHAT you need to KNOW and What you don't".

Simply Give out the information, and WHAT they decide to DO with it ........is Entirely Up to Them.


Fooling people is serious business, but when you fool yourself it Becomes Fatal.

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When in doubt, exposure is best.

If it were me, this is how I'd want it presented:

"Mrs M, I have some information about your husband and marriage during the years of ________ to ______".

I came upon this information via __Source's Name__".

Do you want to know what s/he said?"


Depending on the dates (very old stuff from the early 80s), I would say, no thanks but I appreciate your call.

However it was in 2003/04 I would ask for the information.



I'm just saying it would be nice to be able to evaluate ahead whether it's relevant to my current life.

And don't send me no anony-mouse chicken-shyte coward letter, cuz it'll blow your cred. I've had a known enemy for years and I wouldn't put anything past her to try and hurt me with, so that's why I don't want to hear it. The source is likely going to go right back to pathological lying ho MOW.


[color:"#39395A"]***Well, it's sort of hard to still wonder if you were consolation prize in the midst of being cherished.***
- Noodle[/color]

Devastation Day: Aug 26, 2004
[color:"#2964d8"]"I think we have come out on the other side... meaning that we love each other more than we ever did when we loved each other most." [/color]
[color:"#7b9af7"]
~Archibald MacLeish[/color]

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Inner Strength, the best thing to do is to contact him and tell him the truth. The affair likely led to his divorce and the loss of his children, so this is information about his life that he sorely needs. That is, IF he is divorced. Probably most of what you have been told is a lie, but it matters not. If he is/was married to her, this is information about his life to which he is entitled to have.

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All I know about the X is what my husband has told me... He [OWH] was controlling, jealous, and basically a jerk.

They were having an affair and the victim is the "jerk?" lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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They were having an affair and the victim is the "jerk?" lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

And SO What If He Was?

That gives them a pass to have an AFFAIR? Not.


[color:"#39395A"]***Well, it's sort of hard to still wonder if you were consolation prize in the midst of being cherished.***
- Noodle[/color]

Devastation Day: Aug 26, 2004
[color:"#2964d8"]"I think we have come out on the other side... meaning that we love each other more than we ever did when we loved each other most." [/color]
[color:"#7b9af7"]
~Archibald MacLeish[/color]

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Even with a Divorce,
Some peace can still come with finding out the Truth. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Before I knew the truth,
I THOUGHT that our relationship and Marriage were going down hill .......Because Of ME!

That it was somehow what I was or was NOT doing .......and that the Problem and Fault
were at my Feet.

Both my own Internal Blame mechanism ....and my Wife letting me believe a Lie .......had me thinking all sorts of Crap about myself, that wasn't anywhere near reality.

Now if I had not have found my own evidence,
Its almost a certainty that I'd STILL be thinking that bunch of bull stuff even today .......as my W has admitted that she'd most likely would have Never Come Clean on her own.

So imagine Living with all the guilt and blame , ALL unnecessarily ......and Only due to not having all the pertinent information about your past.

Don't risk having someone Suffer needlessly,
as a result of infidelities best friends, deception and secrecy.
Your all better than that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Fooling people is serious business, but when you fool yourself it Becomes Fatal.

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really important point TopRope !!!!

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Pep:


Quote
as the lady driving to Florida said: "It depends"



ROTFLMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You go, girl!

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Inner Strength,

I see you're new....me too. But it seems, from what I've seen so far that you should get your H's agreement and find a way to inform the OPS.

I waited b/c I didn't know, but once I exposed, a weight I never knew I had was lifted off my shoulders. Whether he's M or D matters little.


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Okay guys, here's a little more info about the situation with the OWXH. They were already separated and waiting for the final D papers when my H met her.

So, BigK, when I said that I don't think he had anything to do with their D, I SHOULD have said that he actually didn't. Poor wording on my part... Your response of, "I very much doubt that. LOL. Classic.", is probably true in most situations, just not this one.


ML- When I said that all that I know of the XH is what my H has told me (controlling, jerk, etc), I DID follow that up by saying, "This, of course, came from the OW, who was sleeping with my H. I wouldn't think that she would have many flattering things to say about her X." I am not that naive to just believe that this guy is a jerk because my H said so. I actually think that he's probably a decent guy who was married to a *****.

Top Rope's comments are the EXACT REASONS that I am conflicted about telling him. The A did not have anything to do with their original problems, but it does have something to do with who his XW is (then and now). True, it would not change anything about his life now. But it may give him some peace knowing something about his own life that he has been in the dark about.

Now to address Ace (the originator of the whole stinkin' thread <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )You had concerns that maybe things are happening too fast for us. Yes, I agree that the recovery process is going faster for us than most of the people on this board. There are several reasons I believe that it's going like this for us. Yes, he went through withdrawl- not so pretty for me to see:(. Most of it was during the first few weeks though...

Some of the reasons that we are doing good... He was able to IMMEDIATELY quit his job (same county where she worked). He only saw her during work hours and this was a second job that he only worked about 1 day a week. So, there has been NC whatsoever. All of his time is accounted for and he checks in constantly so that I will learn to trust him again. And to make it perfectly clear, I DO NOT trust him yet. I do not want to have any more D-days than 1! However, he has given me no reason to think that he has had any contact with her. And believe me, I have checked every possible source of communication.

Reason 2: I have started meeting all those needs that I didn't meet before for whatever reason. Even in withdrawl, he could see how hard I was trying and realized why he fell in love with me in the first place. It also made him realize that all those things he told himself about me were not really true, just lies to justify his A. I definitely experienced the "in the fog" state and I don't think that it's truly over for good, but I do see things beginning to click for him about what he's done.

Reason 3: We began MC 2 days after D-day and have continued to WORK at our marriage daily. Not all serious talks, but definitely putting the other's needs first and talking about the A when we need to. Also, we started going back to church for the first time in years.

Okay, this was long enough... Sorry, but I wanted to address everyone as I was the one to originate the second big question. Thank you for all of your responses. I appreciate all of them. And sorry to be unclear about some of the details earlier...

I'll give some more thought to telling the XH and get back to you...


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Whoooahhhh! How weird is that? We posted at the same time. I read your post quickly but did not see where you mentioned anything about your H's opinion re: exposing to OPS.


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IS, do you know for a FACT, independently verified, that this OW is a) divorced and b)"The A did not have anything to do with their original problems,..."

Are these TRUE FACTS? And if so, how do you know?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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MelodyLane,

I saw this thread earlier and it's been silent for several hours.

I posted exactly at the same time Inner Strength did. Weird.

Then I posted again exactly when you did. Weirder still.


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_Ace_ Offline OP
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Hey Inner Strength....just tryin' to get ya some help here and ya give me hel! for my efforts...LOL!

I did "originate this whole stinkin' thread" without even considering someone would ask a question like yours. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mel has a great point, as usual....HOW DO YOU KNOW? The fact that he left his job immediately looks good, but distance knows no boundaries these days. My H's OW was across the country (he has never even seen her) and he managed to reconnect and stay underground until he got careless ( I stumbled upon their 'draft & delete' email account accidently when WH didn't realize how it would default on the display.) If I had been vigilent, I possibly could have found it sooner.

I am glad to hear you don't trust him but you can't relax for a minute, sad to say. Believe me I've been through 3 D-days and it nearly killed me.

If she is divorced, it seems that's all the more reason you need to be extra inquisitive and perceptive.

Ace


FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
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