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#1823063 02/09/07 01:16 AM
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I am new to MB. I have read the basic concepts and several Q&A's and Articles. I have been reading some of the posts and have decided to join the forum.

I recently caught my wife in an EA after 10 1/2 years of marriage. She admitted the relationship and naturally swears it was purely emotional. At the time she said she had feelings for him and made no effort to stop seeing him. I convinced her to go to IC and call it off with the OM. She works with him so there is still contact even if the EA is over (which I also am not certain of)
She seems more available lately, so I am hopeful that it is.

The problem is she refuses MC and is moving out. We haven't been in the house together since I caught her. We have a 2 year old son and have been rotating the house depending on who has custody. The other stays with friends on those nights.

She's not seeking divorce, but reconciliation is out of the question. She says she doesn't love me anymore and acts like we're old friends who just happen to have a 2 year old together.

She says she has never supported herself before and wants to be independent for the first time in her life. We were married at 21. She was living with her parents when we met.

This was all spurred by childhood trauma that resurfaced in the past year. Our marriage before was not perfect, but pretty darn solid. She spiraled out of control and I tried to stop it, but did a horrible job of meeting her ENs.

If I could get her to look at me again I'm sure we could work this out. I wasted 2 months winging it, but since discovering this site I have begun working on Plan A.

Today we worked out the details of our separation. We are going for legal separation instead of divorce. I used the techniques I've learned and feel like they worked pretty well. She left with a smile on her face, and I got her to look at me a few times the way she used to.

Her IC has been strictly for the personal trauma and not much for the marriage. It will be ending in the next month or so.

We have our problems to work on and she has hit me with the WW dialogue verbatim to what I have read. I am seeing the natural cycle of these events and am preparing myself to take advantage of the situations that are sure to occur. She is definitely in withdrawal from the marriage and it appears she is coming out of her withdrawal from the OM (unless she is playing me again)

I am feeling so much better since I discovered MB and now I feel like I have a fighting chance. I am just looking for support and a little guidance when future situations occur.

Thanks

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She never ended it w/ OM. She is going to try to use the legal separation as an excuse to "try things out" with OM. You need to expose this A w/ OM to her family, friends, and workplace so it doesn't progress any further. It will if you let it continue down this path. She wants separation so she can continue seeing OM without interference. I would not give it to her. You need to get her or OM out of that job so that you can save your M, because without NC, you have no chance.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Hi Cajun,

I'm a bayou baby myself. Welcome to MB...sorry you're here.

I am new to MB. I have read the basic concepts and several Q&A's and Articles. I have been reading some of the posts and have decided to join the forum.

I'm going to go through your post because it is a festival of red flags! You need to act quickly my cajun friend....because this situation is about to postal.

I recently caught my wife in an EA after 10 1/2 years of marriage. She admitted the relationship and naturally swears it was purely emotional.

Which means nothing. Wayward spouses lie....they have to so that they can protect the affair.

At the time she said she had feelings for him and made no effort to stop seeing him.

Red flag number one.

I convinced her to go to IC and call it off with the OM. She works with him so there is still contact even if the EA is over (which I also am not certain of)
She seems more available lately, so I am hopeful that it is.


If she's still working with him....the affair is still working. And it's still sucking energy out of your marriage and damaging your relationship.

The problem is she refuses MC and is moving out.

Translation: I need privacy so I can pursue my affair with more secrecy.

We haven't been in the house together since I caught her. We have a 2 year old son and have been rotating the house depending on who has custody. The other stays with friends on those nights.

This is better than her getting an apartment....but how supportive of your marriage are her friends? her family?

She's not seeking divorce, but reconciliation is out of the question.

Translation: I want to see if the affair will work out, without losing my marriage. I want it all.

She says she doesn't love me anymore and acts like we're old friends who just happen to have a 2 year old together.

Straight from the wayward spouse script. They all say that. In fact they say it so often that we have an acronym for it: ILYBINILWY (I love you but I'm not in love with you). We call it "the fog" and it's typical. Don't believe it and try to not to react to it.

She says she has never supported herself before and wants to be independent for the first time in her life.

OKAY....huge red flag....and more script. Translation: I need to be independent so I can act single and date my affair partner without being caught or feeling so guilty.

We were married at 21. She was living with her parents when we met.

Yep....another line from the script: "I was too young!" Translation: I'm bored/neglected/weak and I'd like to try some new things.

This was all spurred by childhood trauma that resurfaced in the past year. Our marriage before was not perfect, but pretty darn solid. She spiraled out of control and I tried to stop it, but did a horrible job of meeting her ENs.

I'm not sure what you're talking about....but even if you did a horrible job of EN meeting...doesn't mean she's entitled to an affair. There are lots of ways to deal with marital crisis.....this is the most destructive way to do that.

If I could get her to look at me again I'm sure we could work this out. I wasted 2 months winging it, but since discovering this site I have begun working on Plan A.

Well, a big part of plan A is exposure. Find out the truth about what is really going on with this guy....because I can almost promise you that not only is there contact....but it's about to get worse.

Today we worked out the details of our separation. We are going for legal separation instead of divorce.

Bad idea....unless you want a separation and divorce!! Why are you helping her leave you? Why are you helping her to go to this other guy? Yikes!!

I used the techniques I've learned and feel like they worked pretty well. She left with a smile on her face, and I got her to look at me a few times the way she used to.

Sure....she left with a smile because she just got what she wanted!! Chere....you are NOT in Plan A....this is Plan D (for divorce). Call the Harleys!!! Quick! Today!! Stop all the legal stuff!!

Her IC has been strictly for the personal trauma and not much for the marriage. It will be ending in the next month or so.

IC's are notorious for ending marriages!!! Her IC will tell her to do whatever makes her feel better.....even if it's wrong!

We have our problems to work on and she has hit me with the WW dialogue verbatim to what I have read. I am seeing the natural cycle of these events and am preparing myself to take advantage of the situations that are sure to occur. She is definitely in withdrawal from the marriage and it appears she is coming out of her withdrawal from the OM (unless she is playing me again)

Wake up and smell the crawfish chere!! The guy is still in the picture!! You need to do some snooping....you're being duped.

I am feeling so much better since I discovered MB and now I feel like I have a fighting chance. I am just looking for support and a little guidance when future situations occur.

Is this guy married? The best help you can get right now....might be from his wife. (AND Dr. Harley of course). You're still winging it.....you need to really understand all the parts of Plan A.

I'm going to look for some of the good discussions on that plan to help you. In the meantime.....keep posting and make that call!

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jmwc95 is 100% correct. My W tried that before we were married with someone, and it was basically to test the waters, then because it was a separation you don't have as much right to ask about it. (grrr.)

She tired it again with the first OM in my case, and i didn't let her so it turned into a PA.

What i am getting at is that you caught it early, Get her to stop contact with the OM, Expose, keylogger, spy, anything. If you separate and get back together you will be dealing with a PA also, which I think is even harder to recover from.


Bs (27) - me FWW (28) Married: 06/02 D-Day: 11/05 PA: 7/04-10/04 (MOM) EA: 9/04-D-day (with a different OM) Daughter born 3-13-07. Recovery Status: W acting like my W again; I missed her so much. Read my story
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BC,

you still there??


M2L

ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06


Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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I'm still here. I'm working so can't reply immediately. Kind of taking it all in. I do have an avenue for snooping and it looks like I'll have to use it.

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Is the OM married?

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Thanks for the response. I needed that. I have exposed the affair to friends and family. The family is in as bad a shape as she is, so they have no problem with what she is doing. The friends that do care she is avoiding. The ones that enabled this are the new friends at her new school. They lured her in to the partying, but have no idea of the affair. Believe me they'd like to know just for the gossip. The problem is she is a school teacher. If it gets out at school she could lose her job and she carries insurance on our son. I can't get it through my work. Losing her job would bankrupt both of us. I will definately do some more snooping to see if the A is ongoing. OM is not married, never has been at 41, no kids, is a professional at this, and doesn't care what this does to families. He has done it before. I don't know if WW knows and don't know if I'm the one to tell her. What do you think?


BS 33 EXWW 35 DS 5
OM1 9/06 - 03/07
OM2 04/07 - present
Divorced May 8, 2008
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One thing that you will notice reading through these stories is that business will rarely ever do anything to discipline people having an affair. Exposure will only make it difficult or uncomfortable to continue with so many judging eyes looking down on them, so it is more likely that one or both will leave. Don't separate. You need to ride this out. It will get worse at first, but it will wind up better in the long run.

Here is something to think about. Are you more worried about your WW losing her job, or you losing your family. What are your priorities?


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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I'm interested in the house-trading agreement .... how binding is it?

What would happen if, on her next day to be in the house, you refuse to leave. Tell her you love her and you're a family and this is your family home, so you're not leaving. That you are going to work on saving this family, not continuing to tear it apart....

Then get started on a serious Plan A ....

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I posted earlier, but it looks like it disappeared. So reposting what I pretty much wrote the first time.

I'd like to try AmIok's advice, but it is too late. She has an appt and is moving out this weekend.

Plan A sounds like it is more involved than the one article on the web site that mentions it. Where can I get some good info on Plan A and B.


BS 33 EXWW 35 DS 5
OM1 9/06 - 03/07
OM2 04/07 - present
Divorced May 8, 2008
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OK I followed everyone's advise and yes she is still with him. I'm pretty sure she spent the night with him in Lake Charles last weekend so I get the feeling she finally committed adultry. I can't tolerate adultry. I am now forced to prove it. If I do the M is over. Please help me through this and I'm sorry if I'm wasting everyone's time.

I know the weekend's here are slow and I myself am taking my son to a mardi gras parade in my hometown. So I'll check up when I get back.

I am also going to notify the school of their relationship.

God have mercy on me if that is wrong.


BS 33 EXWW 35 DS 5
OM1 9/06 - 03/07
OM2 04/07 - present
Divorced May 8, 2008
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Which is immoral - your WW committing adultery, or you telling people your WW is committing adultery?

You know the answer. You would be doing nothing wrong.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Immediately, as in "this instant," buy a copy of Surviving An Affair, by Dr. Willard F. Harley. That's where all discussion of Plans A and B originate.

I'm retired military. When people do self-destructive things, actions not in their own best interests, military folks call it "shooting (yourself) in the foot." If you don't intend to follow Dr. Harley's program all the way down the line and break up the adultery (you shouldn't doubt that it's still on-going), then I have to wonder why you’re going to bother doing any part of it. Put another way, picking a couple of things to do to get your marriage back from Dr. Harley’s program isn’t going to cut it.

Look, exposure can't be confined to any one set of people while the adultery is still happening. If you fear the consequences of exposure more than you want the adultery to end, so be it. However, don't expect anything good to happen in the recovery of your marriage.

Good luck, sir. I fear you’re going to need it.

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I'm still here. Waiting for my son to wake up from his nap so we can leave.

I called the school and talked to the principal. She had already heard the rumors and was praying they weren't true.
I don't know what she's going to do, but I have heard termination is possible.

I will buy the book recommended. My feelings right now are drop the loser, but that is just the frustration of the situation. I gave her time to work on herself and instead she worked on him. I'm not suprised, but it still hurts.

Now I have to be prepared for the onslought when she gets it at school. I'm sure she's going to hate me for awhile so I'll be in a plan B situation whether I want to or not.

I know we'll be talking Sunday night when I drop off our son. Being cool will be difficult.

Wish me luck and any advise for my next step would be appreciated.

Thanks


BS 33 EXWW 35 DS 5
OM1 9/06 - 03/07
OM2 04/07 - present
Divorced May 8, 2008
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BC, she's going to be absolutely livid when she hears you've exposed at work. Expect it. I suspect you'll get a variation of the oldie, but goodie that goes something like, "I WAS going to work on the marriage, but you screwed that up, buddy! Now all I want is to leave you behind," or something to that effect.

Be calm when she begins screeching. Understand all the while that she's an alien monster right now. (The alien beamed down from the mother ship the day your WW relaxed her moral values and integrity enough to allow the OM into her personal life.) Your response when her face turns scarlet and spittle flies from her lips is that you've taken this step ONLY to break up this obscene adultery. You're sorry she's had to experience some humiliation (she'll be absolutely convinced that was your only motivation), but it's a consequence of HER adultery, period.

Be firm, but compassionate, and DO NOT lose control. If you get angry, you may say something as stupid as the alien probably will. You must avoid that. She has no right to call you every name in the book, but she probably will. Respectfully ask her to not continue in that vein and don’t be afraid to call a quit to the conversation if she persists. Simply walking out of the room and refusing to stay around her while she vents is, in my mind, a great way to react. If she’s calling you on the phone after having received the news, hanging up is even easier…and very effective.

BC, hang in there. The ride is going to get a little rocky, the alien is going to make all kinds of threats, but they all threaten. Very, very little of what they threaten ever happens.

Hey, all you folks who have gone through this phase recently need to contribute your advice to BC here. Let him know about all the silly things the Wayward One will say.

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BC,

It will be a sh!tstorm for about 1 week. You can read Jayban's thread to see what to expect. Don't let her get a rise out of you. She is going to try and hurt you. Expect that, and don't let her. You need to expose to anyone else that would be in a position to put pressure on the A. Get it all over with now. Just detach because you are expecting this to happen. After a week, she will slowly start to talk to you more. Just put your best foot forward every opportunity you get with her. Don't be deterred by her anger. Let the dust settle for a while before you make any decisions.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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BC,

Do NOT attempt to get her to commit to recovery or working on the relationship right now. The bulk of Plan A is attempting to win the WS back by out-working the OM. Another part of it is exposing the A to anyone who can make it uncomfortable for them to continue.

The biggest mistake I see a BS (especially us guys) making is in trying to talk about the M and recovery and trying to "fix" it. Think of Plan A s a first date that lasts as long as you can manage to keep it up. If you had a lot of heavy relationship talk on your first date, she'd never have married you at all.

The second part is hard for us (BS) to do because we want the hurting to stop. We instinctively know that telling anyone else about it will hurt us in two ways. First, it will expose us to ridicule. We feel like we have failed in some way because our W is having an A. The second is because we know that all h377 is going to break loose when we try to stop the A.

We also are afraid to expose the A because we are afraid it will hurt our S. In reality, it will only make them angry. If she gets mad, it is a good thing. Not caring at all would be worse.

The tendency is to try to negotiate a settlement. The problem is that as long as the A is going on, there is no negotiation possible. The WS has NO logic in the way they are thinking. They can NOT see that what they are doing is wrong because they are NOT acting rationally. They are FEELING, not THINKING.

EXPOSE.

EXPOSE!

EXPOSE!!!

Then duck to avoid the pottery that will be headed your way, but don't let the venom that will be forthcoming stick to you. Write it off as the rantings of someone who is totally insane. The person you will be dealing with is NOT your wife, but an alien called Wayward Wife.

Have you read the first few posts under the Just Found Out forum. Be sure to read Longhorn's thread, WAT's quick start guide. I'll try to bump those and a couple others to get them onto the active list.

Buckle up! It's going to get bumpy for a while.

Mark

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This is more of a comment rather than advice. Your story is exactly like mine. I found out about the A April 13th, 2006. It may have finally just ended the middle of January, but only because the OM could not commit between his wife or mine, really tough to take my wife back after knowing this, but I have to remember she is somewhat out of her mind right now. Like one of the posters said be ready for a rocky ride. A WW will try and remove all your dignity. They will try and tear you down completely as a man.

Good Luck your going to need it.


ME BH 42 - WW 41
1 kid 14 years old
DDAY April 13th 2006
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I'm back from the weekend. I felt horrible the whole time. She confronted me about exposing her, but never lost her cool. She blew off our son tonight (school work, appts not ready for son) flat out refused to take him and was still cool as a cucumber. Seems like she is getting some good advice from her side. I think she's trying to make me look pathetic and desperate. I've held my own, but this is not going to be easy.

I will continue to expose the affair every chance I get. I am going to continue with the plan as long as I can stand it.

I do have one confession to make. It may be natural, but when I think about it being over and the possibilities of finding someone new that will treat me better I start feeling better. Thinking about moving on makes the pain go away. She never was a very good wife. She has always been selfish and petty. She did do something similar in 1999, but when I busted her then she begged me not to leave. I would never say I regret the marriage or that I was unhappy throughout, because that would be an absolute lie. I accepted her faults and all. I loved her unconditionally and we had many great times and there was genuine true love through most of the marriage. The problem is I find myself starting to want it to be over. Finding this web site and support group is my last attempt to save our marriage. If it can be reconciled then I definitely want it to be, but if it can't then I have no problem moving on. What's killing me is that she wants to leave without even trying. I don't want to have any regrets, but she is playing some serious hardball.

My family and friends can't stand to see her do this to me so naturally they want me to bail. I'm starting to hear more and more stories about things she has done and said that make me love her less and less.

I guess what I am saying is that my love bank is on empty and I am starting to get tired of being made a fool.

Is this natural or does it sound real?


BS 33 EXWW 35 DS 5
OM1 9/06 - 03/07
OM2 04/07 - present
Divorced May 8, 2008
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