1) Expose to OM's family. Find out who they are and expose to them.

2) Turn off her cell phone. Don't let her talk to OM nightly.

3) Cut her off or restrict her financially.

4) Snoop or get a PI to get proof of a PA.

The longer the A goes on the harder it will be to stop. Have you talked to OM? Tell him you KNOW what it going on between him and your WW and he needs to stop. He might give up some info.

I agree with JIm...turn off the cell...put it on hold...it's like enabling her if you are paying for the bill...

Exposeure helps break up the A...talking to OM, that's good too...

You've heard the hold WS gets mad, says all kinds of things...

She'll get over it...my H did along with the rest the WS here...

YOU'll BE just fine...Concentrate on your Plan A for YOU...Self-care...take care of that beautiful little boy...

There IS a payoff...hard to see now but it's there!

(((((((Cajun)))))))

All right. Here's the deal.

I called him. He talked to me.
He claims since she reconnected with him a few weeks ago he's only been there as a friend. He said if this was causing us problems he would back off. I told him I wanted no contact. I told him she would be even more furious with me once she found out I called him. I told him she would probably continue to call him at first and I asked him not to answer. I asked him to man up and give her a chance to get her head straight. He said he would do it and he wasn't trying to break up the marriage. The last thing I said to him was are we cool. He said yes we're cool.

Take it for what it was.

If he was genuine I can feel better and sleep better. If I find out he was BSing me I'm gonna have to bring the pain. I'll run an ad in the paper if I have to.

Now he may be genuine, but I'm not convinced that my W doesn't have feelings for him. That's why I asked him for no contact. Hopefully in the next few months W will calm down and start talking to me again. The exposure has been excruciatingly painful. Even though it may be the right thing to do it makes me feel like a dirt bag. I wish I would have called him along time ago.

God I hope this is the end of him. If it is I can take all the time in the world to let my W get her head straight and hopefully consider trying for reconciliation. I can continue to work on Plan A and get my self together.

Update: W called while I was typing this message. I got the I hate you I want a divorce speach for calling him. I pretty much new that was coming. I told her she would have to file. She reiterated that she hates me, has no fealings for me, I went to far, she will never love me again under any circumstances. I told her I understood, but I wasn't filing. Then she said I had one month to do whatever it was I was doing to get her back. I told her I wasn't trying to get her back in a month. There wasn't anything for me to do. I told her I was doing nothing more than trying to improve myself and hopefully she would fall back in love with me over time. I told her she should do what she thought was right and I was going to do what I thought was right. She kept telling me to leave her alone. I told her I have been leaving her alone. That she needed time to get over the anger and hopefully she could start looking at me again. She finally gave up and said she had to go. Oh, and yes she still has feelings for OM.

So that's it. Relief and more pain in a matter of minutes. The next few weeks will be very interesting.

Comments are encouraged.

Good Morning!

As you already know this is standard stuff from your WW. And as for OM, I heard similiar stuff from OW...She wouldn't call, blah, blah, blah...I hope that it works out better for you that it did me...

Of course, the difference here is that OW wouldn't admit to anything, Called WH a lair and didn't know why he would say that they had an A, blah, blah, blah...

OW even said I could talk to her son if I wanted too...

So, basically, I just wanted to let you know that this may not be over but you are still headed in the right direction.

Your WW WILL get over this...and you will be able to move forward...

It may help to picture a glass wall b/t the two of you anytime that you talk to her...detachment...Loving detachment...do not take anything that she says personally right now...

Remember this A is not about you, it's about her.

You're well on your way...keep your head up...you've done some great stuff here!

The valleys are always deeper when we are in them but when we get to the other side and look back, they don't appear as deep as we thought they were. Have Faith!

Today is a little better. I feel better about OM situation, but now feeling the pain of W hating my guts. The other part of the pain is the fact that I miss her so much. We used to have so much fun and were so much in love. I'm talking about less than a year ago. We took a family vacation to Galveston last summer and had an absolute blast. We were so close on that trip. I pray we can be that way again.

Thanks for everybody's support.

((((BC))))

Your W doesn't hate you...I think that you still have in your mind that your W and your WW is one in the same person...

The WS will play out all these scenes in their head to make the BS the horrible person who has wronged them to justify their behavior...to make it right in their eyes...

They DO NOT live in reality...I was called a b1tch, told I set him up to look like a fool in front of all our friends, and countless other things...at the time, I really thought "He doesn't know me at all if he thinks that I could be SO callous." Now, I know different...

I didn't think that I would get the love that I deserved from him and was so scared. LOL...the standard BS stuff...

H and I haven't been in our turn around long and the thing I couldn't see at the time was I was pushing to much...

I'm not saying that you are, just talking about my sitch...so, if you're told to stand still and wait for her to caught up...please do...it will save you alot of heartache...

Time will heal, you will grow, and things WILL get better...

Cajun,

I'm sorry friend, but you aren't getting the whole picture here, otherwise you wouldn't even bother to post this comment.

Of course she still has feelings for him, and they are more than likely in a physical affair now that she moved out of the house. This is the reason WS's leave the home!! To pursue the affair.

You are taking what the OM and your WW say as though it held water, as if it were worth anything, but it's not. They will lie to you over and over again as long as you will take it. In my case, the OM was a college professor with a phd and he was 45 years old, but he lied to my face and would deny that the sky was blue if he thought it helped his chances with my wife.

Quit listening to them, listen to us and to your instincts. Spouses don't leave home suddenly because they need space, or time to think. If I need space, I go see a movie, I don't rent an apartment for God's sake. There is only 1 reason for all this bullsh$t in your marriage, and that is the affair. Not the possibility of an affair, not the suspect 'friendship' with another man, not your wifes sudden need to be 'independent'.... its all about the affair man.

Kill the affair and all the other problems go away.

SD-nice to see you around...thanks for chiming in...I hope that things are well for you!

Cajun- It will be hard, I'm not going to lie to you, but this is war and you have to put up the best fight that you can! We would not tell you these things to harm you, your M, or your child...

Gather your strenght, center yourself, and get the ball rolling...fight for your M...I had to use me anger to help me do what I needed to do to keep my family together...

YOU can DO THIS! I have faith in you!

I don't know. I got a call from her sister this afternoon. WW was having a break down. She just couldn't get it together. She took off for her sisters in Texas for the weekend and Mardi Gras holiday. She won't be back until next Wed. I think the pressure is ripping her to shreads.

Everybody pray for the best.

Where's your son? Are you sure that she's going to TX?

To be honest IMO, the quicker they hit bottom the better...and we all have a different bottom...this may turn out better for you sooner rather than later...

Is her S a friend of the M? Does she know everything that is going on?

S is in Texas. She does not know the man. S worships the ground I walk on. I really don't think she would assist my WW in playing me. Their brother is also stateside (Army) right now and they have not seen him in a few years. He is in S's town. Also, this was her weekend with son and S knew that because she is the one who called and asked me to take son so WW could go home. I really think I shook her up last night. The reason S called is because WW is convinced that if she had asked I would have screamed at her. I've screamed at my wife 3 times in eleven years, and 2 of them were for marital indiscretions (similar thing happened in 99 - she begged me not to leave her last time - there wasn't any me trying to get her back - I was working on the road and she turned to chat rooms out of lonliness) the other was a come to jesus meeting I had with her back in May06 when I first noticed her running from the family (no OM yet)That one I'll regret for the rest of my life. I couldn't think of anything else to try so I brought the tough love. It straightened her out for the summer, but as soon as school started she was gone again. That's when I gave up. That's when she crashed and OM picked her up.

I know it is the Fog, but WW is convinced that I hate her, want a divorce, want her to fail in life, and want to hurt her. Everything I say and do she turns around as me hating her and wanting to hurt her. This is dispite me avoiding LB's and speaking to her calmly and with respect. She's running out of excuses for not loving me. Last night she actually told me our marriage was a mistake because when we got married I didn't even know that she liked to read books.
She even thinks having our son was a mistake. I'm worried that she is completely losing it.

I know this isn't the woman who was madly in love with me the previous 10 years.

I'm scared for her well being right now. I can't stand to see her hurting like this, but I just can't get through to her. Her S told me she was going to try. I know everyone is pretty disgusted with my WW right now, but I'm worried about the loving and caring wife that is being smothered inside of her.

Gotta get the emotions out
sorry for the rant

Man if that was a rant...it sure didn't sound like one...you're welcome to do it anytime! LOL

I'm glad to see that your son is with you this weekend...he really needs a stable environment right now and sounds like you are all he has in that dept.

Good to know that her S is on your side...did you explain that WW needs to have NC with OM for life to the S? That you want to put things back together, etc...

Well, I hope that you enjoy yourself with your son tonight...neighborhood party and all...try to relax and I hope that if someone asks about your sitch you're O&H with them...the support that you can gain is unbelievible...of course, not everyone will understand the concepts here but any support helps...

Try to relax this weekend, have some fun...you know that WW is in a safe place...

Wishing you well...

I told S I was trying to get OM out of the way through exposure. I explained my reasons for exposure and she said she understood. I never got to the details of NC and the withdrawl period. I wanted to talk to her about that before my WW got there, but S phone was acting up and I couldn't reach her. I got ahold of her this morning, but she was still in bed sleeping and I wasn't trying to have a lengthy conversation with her at that time.

Neighborhood party and parade were awsome. Youngsville parade always rocks. I felt great today. I need more distractions like that. Fortunately I have my son's party next weekend and then I'm off to Galveston for a convention. That should distract me and help pass the time. Hopefully when I'm through with all that WW will be calming down and communication can resume.

How long did it take your H to get over anger of OW confrontation?

I called OW a little over a month ago...LOL...so he's probably still mad...Oh, well...all's fair in love and war...

Actually, I really don't think that he's over it...I was just using my open invitation from her to call and let her know about my life...

I told H i was calling her...he was so mad he said that I didn't tell him that...I did...

So, he was made when OW showed up to his b-day party last April, he was mad all the times that I called her before that, and after than...H was mad that I exposed to all his friends that I knew respected him, his family, my family...

I know know if he's over it...but he moved on...I've been in this since last April and we are just now starting to get right...

I really can't say an amount of time really...there was so many things that he got mad over...it kind of runs together...

Sorry, I can't be more specific!

I gotcha.

This weekend went by pretty good. Good spirits all weekend. I did send an email to MIL, SIL, and BIL today explaining what I was doing and why I was doing it. I know she will be telling them all this week how I am trying to destroy her. I also sent them a few articles from another web site with a similar ideology to this one. In fact their advice is almost verbatim to this site. It is Penny Vaughn's site. She thinks a lot like Dr Harley. One article gave an overview of the hole infidelity process of intervention. The other I found on another web site and gives a brief explanation of The Fog. I told them I didn't want to give away the forum that I am using. I don't know how they are going to take it. If I had to guess I would say MIL will probably be upset with me for insinuating that her daughter has a problem. SIL will probably look at it open minded and may provide positive feedback. BIL will probably not care either way. He'll probably say "What ever you wanna do dude. Good luck."

I don't see BIL making much of an effort, but if MIL and SIL take the time to read my email and entertain the articles and web site then they may try to help WW.

I really just wanted to inform them of what I was doing since nobody has ever heard of this approach. The uninformed follow the she doesn't love you anymore, she cheated on you, it's over and you need to move on way of thinking. That pretty much describes everybody I know.

My WW even told me that her IC had never heard of what I was doing. I wonder if he would let me give him Dr Harley's name. He might actually save a marriage one day.

Talk to yall later

Well, I think that you are doing a good job...so keep up the good work...

I kinda like the idea about the IC but something's getting me and I'm not sure what it is...I mean I want to ask if the IC does MC or have you thought about seeing her IC also...I think someone else may have some advice in that area...

I'm so glad that you had a great weekend...then there's today and tomorrow with your son...how exciting...lundi gras and mardi gras...they are so great at that age with the floats and stuff...

L was so excited when he caught a foam rocket or stuffed animal...football...amazing little creatures...

I think that as long as you focus your energy of you and that wonderful little boy that you will be fine...

Oh, when did your WW start seeing an IC? DID I miss something? Does she have other problems?

You sounded a lot stronger today... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Yes, WW has other problems. That is what started all of this. A lot of trauma in her childhood. Part of that trauma resurfaced last year and really messed her head up. I tried to keep her from losing it, but in all the wrong ways. She started pulling away from the family and I tried to make her come home by using scorn and guilt. That made things worse. I then had a come to Jesus meeting with her and that worked for a little while. Then she spent part of the summer in NH with her childhood trauma aka sperm doner and it messed her up again. After she got back I could tell she wasn't right and once school started she began to pull away from the family again. She had a breakdown one afternoon and I asked her if it was us. She said she couldn't handle her students and did admit it had something to do with sperm doner. I suggested counseling at the time and even got a recommendation and card. She started acting better though and I never made an appointment. Then she started acting like things were great ( OM had surfaced and she was trying to throw me off ) but was still pulling away and started partying with her new staff at school. Her old primary school shut down and they moved 6th grade to the Jr High where they have coaches(OM) Of course this is all happening during hunting season and my brother is dragging me to the camp every other weekend. This was one giant recipe for disaster and that is what happened. I saw the signs, but I trusted my wife and was experiencing some pretty heavy denial. I couldn't figure out why she was treating me so good, SF included, but yet never wanted to come home.

So, after she was busted and I decided I wanted to reconcile she flat out refused. I was able to convince her to go to IC who is a MC and seek help for her other problems. Not only did she need it, but I was hoping if he could get her to feel better she would fall back in love with me. I went to him once myself just to make sure I had my head on straight. I noticed immediatley that all he does is get you to talk and pretty much agree with what you want to do. He told me that it was good to stay in the house together while we work on this. He told her it was good to be seperated while we work on this. IC isn't doing us any favors. Unless he is working as a MC he will only go along with the path you are taking. He is not trying to save a marriage as an IC.

So that is how a solid marriage with two people madly in love with each other goes to [email]cr@p[/email] in one year.

But I'm feeling much better now

Can anybody tell me where that last line came from?
I'll give you a hint: Night Court

Later

Oh, Cajun...I'm s sorry that you are having such a hard year...I can relate alot to your WW and her issues...

My abuse started in the fourth grade to my knowledge, 5th grade I was living with my grandparents and going to counseling...sixth grade I was living with my mom and my Sd was removed from the house...still going to counseling that year...

That was three really rough years for me...I've dealt with mt personal issues off and on for years...anxiety attacks, self esteem issues...the whole nine...

I really learned alot about myself this past year...and why I have done some of the things that I have done...

For instance, I got my opportunity to turn my EA into a PA one weekend when my H went hunting...I didn't plan it, but the opportunity was there and my stupid [email]a@@[/email] made a huge mistake...

In the years that followed, my H started hunting less and less, not as a result of my A, but b/c he came to the conclusion that he was missing out on a lot of other things in life b/c of the time that he spent hunting...

That time not includes camping trips, motorcycle trips with me and the boys...he's making more time for us...I knew how much he enjoyed hunting and wouldn't stop him from doing that...I even hunted with him for some time...

OH, my H and OS just showed up...I'll finsih later!

So you definately get it. I wish you could talk to my WW. In her case though, the sperm doner simply abandoned the family. Momma's first shack up provided the abuse. Actually if it was SD that provided your abuse then maybe you went throught the exact same thing my WW did. I don't want my son to have that kind of upbringing. That's part of the reason I'm fighting so hard.

OKay, H and OS just stopped by to say Hi...they're headed to the house...H is getting sleepy and has to work tonight...OS was complaining he was hungry...Sir EAT A LOT himself...

Hate to see how much he eats when he gets to be a teen...and skinny as a rail! LOL...I wish!

So, anyway, I applaude you for hanging in there with her...I know this must be just as difficult for you...wanting to help but not knowing how...

I have my A because I felt bad about myself...I still had baby weight...this guy gave me the attention that my H didn't...like you he was gone every weekend...I felt special with him...he was my H's friend and when he came around he gave his time and attention to me and the kids...he would play with the kids and this was things I wished my H would do...

I grew up with the understanding that love was earned, not given...having SF made me feel loved...let's just say I was looking for love in all the wrong place when it was staring me in the face the entire time...I just didn't know it.

I didn't have the right tools...I learned the hard way...alot of tools I've picked up this past year dealing with H's A.

Well, I was just sharing with you...you will BE appreciated for sticking with her one day!

Godspeed!