BC,

You know, I have thought of probably 100 ways to respond to this latest update...all of them very wise and sage sounding (heehee--NOT!). I think rather than make this into a big thing and tell you what I guess WW is thinking and where this might lead and how it will all turn out (cuz that's just predicting the future anyway), I have decided to just accept it for what it is: ONE GOOD NIGHT WITH WW FOR BOTH YOU AND DS.

Who knows? This may have been an anomaly and you will never get another. On the other hand, this could also be a sign of the beginning of some growth and maturity. Sometimes a person has to really attend the school of hard knocks to grow up! But whatever it was, it was ONE GOOD NIGHT FOR BOTH YOU AND DS and for that, I am deciding to celebrate.

Break out the water balloons and spit wads, cuz it's boys against the girls in a Silly Celebration of BC's ONE GOOD NIGHT!!!

Your faithful friend,


CJ

P.S. For the sake of having one night that was not too bad and reminded you of your W the way she used to be, I personally suggest that you just enjoy the memory of having one good night. See if it stays consistent or just goes haywire again. Even if she truly is starting to "wake up", she's bound to have some moments of going haywire--but I mean, just keep being as you have been and doing what you have been and wait and see what transpires. In the meantime, YAY!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

BTW....*SPLAT* -- <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> Gotcha!

Well CJ we're about to find out. I'm about to leave to get DS and WW is supposed to be coming back tonight. We'll see how tonight goes.

My A's assistant called. A is out until Mon. Gave assistant and update and A will be in contact Mon.

I'll try to finish documentation tonight after WW leaves.

gotta go. I'll update tonight

WOW, two nights in a row...okay!

Maybe things are on the up and up...

Well, nice and uneventful.

WW was alright. I let them be most of the time. She played in his room for a while then she sat with him a watched the wiggles then she put him to bed. She left as soon as she put down DS. We didn't really talk. No hug tonight. It was pleasant though.

Me and DS have a wedding tomorow night, so we won't see WW until Sat night when we go for the night. We also have a 50th anniversary party in Houma on Sat during the day. I grew up with their son and I've known them since I was 2.

So I have a busy weekend ahead. I'll post when I can.

Talk to ya'll tomorrow.

BC-
Have a good weekend! I hope that all goes well with everything... including the WW.

You have a good head on your shoulders, and a bright DS. You ARE blessed.

I see this overnight as a bright spot. It may go well, it may not. She may be coming out of the 'fog'. Just be careful.

And in my opinion, I would wait for a few months of her acting rationally before she got joint custody. You never know anymore.

GOOD LUCK! Have fun, and be careful!

Sadmo

BC,

I haven't written much to you before. This much I do know. Mental illness is a tough situation to raise a child through. My husband has bi-polar - heavy to the depression side of the swing. His manic side is edgy and angry - not fun energy at all.

There are times that he and our son are best buds, but there are times he just turns into a mean bully big brother instead of a dad. Those times I've had to put our son back together, I've found myself using resources that usually are reserved for adults - but these children, unfortunately get robbed of their childhood when a parent is mentally ill. (interestingly, I believe my mother is an undiagnosed bi-polar, married 60 years to an now 16 year sober alcoholic) - my childhood disappeared before I can remember my age, with night terrors of a distorted reflection of my then extremely violent father drilling holes in my head and when I woke up I could still see the image of the monster in my dreams imprinted on the bedroom wall... no - I didn't grow up in a safe home. My mother had a suicidal energy several times during my childhood.

Thankfully, the law if protecting your son. And it sounds like your wife has a possibility of recovering. However, mental illness doesn't let go of its targets very easily. She may relapse.

Some of the resources I've used with my son:

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz - we've read this book together and talked about dreams of life, not taking someone personally, etc.

Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill - focusing my son on his own mental health and mental toughness. There was a section of the book that really worked in that particular moment.

Become a book reader - all of the self-actualization and empowerment books you can get your hands on. That way, in the moment you need them, you can find words to empower your son to love his mother, protect himself, and not personalize her illness.

Thanks for the info and recommendations KA. I will educate myself on how to help DS if he starts acting up or doesn't seem right down the road. Since he's only 3 it may take a while before this stuff really affects him. If WW continues to recover and rebuild her R with DS I'm hoping the damage can be minimized.

I will probably check into counseling down the road to try and prevent this stuff hitting him in adulthood which seems to be the case with most people that have gone through this.

Again thanks for the support

Well I made it through a tough weekend.

DS has a virus and it infected his tongue. It's sore and hurts. Has little white bumps on it. He was a crab at the wedding. He was a crab all day Sat at the anniversary party. Sat night I noticed his tongue was infected and me and WW took him to a clnic. He has a virus and all we can give him is tylenol and robitussin DM. Doctor said this has to work itself out.

Me and DS spent the night at WW's apartment Sat night. Everything went pretty good. WW still acting like a mother. WW still babbling like a WW. Here's a few Gems:

I don't trust anybody anymore. Everybody has stabbed ME in the back.

Everything I say is misconstrued, misunderstood, taken out of context, etc.

I've lost my identity.

The most noteworthy event of the weekend. I found a chart next to her TV. It was an ABUSE chart for ABUSED wives. I confronted her about it and she said her IC gave it to her and wanted her to highlight the abuse she's experienced from ME. I said OK, would you share that with me when you're done so I'll know what I need to work on? No Answer. Wide eyed and Jaw dropped.

They hate it when you take away their ammo. She's still trying to justify her actions as being an abused wife who needed to be rescued.

I've hollered at her 3 times in eleven years and 2 were for infidelity 99 and 06. The third was the last day of school 06 when she had just spent the last half of the scool year pulling away from the family, partying, working as late as possible, and then she comes home the last day of school to pack a bag for a weekend trip to New Orleans with some school teachers and informed me that there were rumers that she was having a R with a student(6th grade) b/c he had a crush on her and was hanging around her class room for HOURS after school EVERYDAY. She never said a word about this until she was MAD at the teachers accusing her. Another example of her selfish entitlement. Do you think just MAYBE I had a right to be angry. Do those 3 and only 3 instances where I yelled at her MIGHT have been validated.

In her mind I went off the deep end, as she put's it, all the time over every little thing.

If that's the case wouldn't she be afraid of me. Wouldn't DS be afraid of me. Shouldn't she have a restraining order aginst me.

We were sitting on HER bed at HER apartment having this conversation.

I'll admit that in some bad times I used some serious DJing after hearing things that would make normal peoples skin crawl. Apparently I was supposed to support the bad things she was doing and not have an opinion even though it affected me and DS.

Now this is the same woman that for 11 years told me there was something wrong with ME b/c I never fought with her or got angry.

Now I was ABUSIVE.

SWEET!!

As they say. I takes all kinds.

Now for the big shock... you ready.
I still love her. I know she's ill, I know she's selfish to the nth degree, I know she'll never change, but I can't seem to convince my heart.

I don't want to be her H anymore, but I still like being around her. I don't want to be her H anymore, but I'm still attractred to her. I don't want to be her friend, but we high fived last night after the SOX hit 4 in a row out of Fenway.

I found myself back in Plan A yesterday. It was easy b/c I don't feel the pressure anymore.

It's very strange the way I feel about her right now. I'm feeling selfish. I just want to have some fun with her. I don't want her back. I've really come to enjoy my life with out her. I've really come to enjoy having a clean house. I really look foward to meeting someone that isn't selfish and participates in the R. I like the direction my life is going and I hate the direction her's is going. Dosen't mean we can't have some fun while we're stuck with each other though.

Am I Crazy?

um, no...you're not crazy...

but you are addicted to her...same as I am my STBX...same with anyone's S...

I firmly believe that you are not abusive...you talk about your emotions...you own up to your actions..

IMVHO, your WW has abused you in the past...I'm not saying that you are dealing with what I am but there has been emotional and verbal abuse...just what I'm seen in the past month of you and her conversation...

Think about this...you two have a great time...tension builds...agrument...great time...

The great time is the honeymoon period I have been tlaking about on my thread...this is the time that "I" miss...when we did have some great times...this is what I miss...

Just some thoughts of mine, my two cents! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

BC- my son began pushing other children and hitting them and talking back to elders and general negative behavior, when he was three, after his dad's first A and after he moved out, and also when he moved back in. Once the separation happens, the damage is done.

This time around, my DS tells me how he FEELS about his loss because he CAN. I believe, when he was 3 years old, he couldn't express his anger and sadness. Now he can. Anyone involved with him, like daycare or preschool, should be informed of his situation, so that they may recognize signs of trauma and let you know.

Quick Update

I've been extremely busy since last week. Having trouble wasting all my time on MB.

SL,
DS hasn't shown any obvious signs as of late. In the heat of the A when WW was non existant to DS he acted out for little while and then he just seemed to understand what was going on and got better. He just seems to know who he can count on and who he can't.

I let DC know about the sitch right from the start. I guess that was just instinct. I was 2 months from MB at that point. Actually, every time something big happens I let DC know so they can keep an eye on him. From time to time me and his teacher talk about the sitch and DS's behavior. They see this stuff from time to time so they're pretty good at identifying changes in behavior.

So far DS is being a real champ. I hope that continues.

WW didn't come over last night, but called to check on DS. She also talked about her A and told me that her A and my A were friends. She said she heard good stuff about my A so she was happy about that. She was almost acting like this was gonna be fun since we're all friends.

I don't know what goes through her head anymore. She's come back to earth and almost resembles a human, but there's still alot of misfiring going on in her head. Everyday I think of more bizar events throughout the M and I'm really starting to think she's had this problem all along. The A just finished her off. Now she's full blown MENTAL.

I'm really gonna have to pay attention to her behavior for a long time. If she continues to get worse I'm gonna have to protect DS again. If I ever have to do it again it will be permanent.

I hope she gets better, but from what I can gather she's playing her IC so he's never gonna do her any good. I think the only reason she goes to him is she thinks she's getting validation from him. Throughout all of this these are some of things I've heard:

IC thinks we should live apart.

IC thinks you're driving me crazy.

IC thinks I'm fit to be a mother.

IC gave me this ABUSE chart. (acted like it was his idea that I was abusive)

I don't think IC did any of that. IC goes along with her thoughts probably just so she'll talk about it. I don't think IC's diagnose, give advice, place blame, judge, or VALIDATE.

I think all they really do is get you to talk about what's going on in your head. They tend to go along with your though process just to see where your heading and possibly get you to fix yourself.

I don't think this works with narcissist. They take it as validation for the things they do. They allow them to blame everybody but themselves. They allow them to be victums.

Has anybody else seen that with IC's?

BC,

If I missed it I apologize but where are you going with this marriage (save it, divorce, ???) If you are headed to D then what have you are you doing to finalize custody of your son and protect him from WW? There will never be a better time to set in stone the custody arrangements than now or at least it doesn't seem.

Now if you are trying to save your marriage then forget what I said above but I just hope she's not trying to play you long enough to show the courts she is healthy again and fit to be the primary custodian of your son.

I have temporary sole custody. We have a hearing 4/26 to determine further action. I want at least another month for her to demonstrate some stability before we go back to 50/50. Then I WILL be domicilary parent.

I have given up on the M. She's still very ill and is still running away as fast as she can. Bascially acting like a teenager. Just got her belly button pierced, wants a tatoo, started a myspace page, partying, going to concerts. She's reconnected with a guy she went to highschool with and they text day and night nonstop. He's 600 miles away, but can probably be considered OM2 at this point. Supposedly he's just a friend that she's known forever, but every time she gets a text she giggles and responds.

We were having a serious conversation Sun and she was texting him the whole time, including the giggling.

I'm basically hearing the same [email]cr@p[/email] like I heard at the beginning with the first OM. She just tried to kill herself a month ago over OM1 and is already cuttin up with OM2. This time she's flaunting it in my face.

So she'll NEVER be primary. I have to let her go. I can't stand to watch her continue to do this to herself. She is still looking to MEN to make her happy.

She hasn't done enough YET for me to get permanent sole custody, but she's still digging her hole so it's probably just a matter of time.

Sorry this turned into a rant. I just gotta start getting more of my thoughts out. I hold back too much. I still find myself protecting her when I shouldn't. I still find myself overlooking some of her behavior b/c I want to believe she's gonna be alright. I really just need to let her go completely and quit worrying about her so much.

It's definately time to move on. I just can't do it while I have to supervise visitation.

That's what I was thinkin' too.

BC, let her keep diggin' while you supervise. You NEED sole custody, for the child's sake.

I remember when my WH started an EA with one of his 'friends' at work. She would text him and he was on it like a fly on poo. She would email him and he would run to respond. After I kicked him out AGAIN, because we were in false recovery (I found MB and was doing Plan A for about 4 mos by then) I found some stuff on the computer, a couple of IM's that were a bit too close for comfort and some prose that she had written about him. BLECH! She, too, is married. I didn't do anything about this because I was fed up. I should have exposed to her H. So, ALL that being said, if this guy is married, I would let his wife know what's going on, and I would still expose for your child's sake, in case she does get 50/50 custody, you don't want her draggin' all manners of men in to DS's life...

BC,

My Ex WW did 1/10th of what your WW is/has done and I have sole custody (she's appealing) of a 2 year old son. What attorney says that her attempting to off herself makes her the least bit capable of being a joint custodian? ****** she should have supervised visitation not be 50/50 anything. I can't believe Lousiana would see this any other way? Maybe I am wrong.

Louisiana is a mother state. My A is female. She says first attempt at suicide without prior history doesn't cut it for permanent custody. I'm probably a shoe in for domicilary parent, but for sole custody she needs repeated behavior. If she ever messes up again I can probably get it. Doesn't have to be another suicide attempt either. If she get into any kind of trouble I'm going for permanent sole custody.

Expose to OM#2 and OM#2's family that your WW just got out of an extramarital relationship, attempted suicide, and lost custody rights of her children. Tell them that you are trying to save your M, but you don't want her communicating with any OM, especially in the fragile state she is in now. Tell him to leave your wife alone. What is she going to do? You can't be afraid of her anymore.

BC,

You wrote:

I would like to just reinforce something for you. Whether your STBXW is nutty as a fruitcake or not, all her IC has to go on is what she says. Contrary to popular belief, IC's do NOT have an instant "lie" alert warning light, nor do they take the time to actually "research" if what their clients are saying is "true" or "a lie." What happens is that an IC will talk with someone and get a beginning idea of "Why are you here?" I'm sure your STBXW said something like, "Well, I tried to kill myself because I left my H because he was abusive and my BF dumped me." (Insert 'oh poor me' violins here.) Now, IC has NO IDEA if you really were abusive or not--or if BF dumped her or not--so IC suggests "Hey, here's an abuse chart, why don't you make a list of all the things he did." Then IC will go over the list she makes and say, "You know, WW, it really isn't abuse to suggest that you get out of bed" or "Uhh..WW, when two people argue 3 times in 11 years, that's not really abusive." From there...the IC will begin to work with her on why she sees any sort of disagreement at abuse.

HOWEVER, just a reminder--IC's are not magic. We can not wave a wand and tell if it's the truth or a lie. Heehee <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> BUT we can tell when there are inconsistencies in a person's story or in the way in which someone processes what someone else might perceive as "normal." In REAL life, her IC has probably told her "Do YOU think you should live with H?" and "Soooooo...you think it was your H who made you crazy, huh?" and "Do you think you are okay to be a good parent right now?" and since SHE thinks it's all about HER and blaming you...well, you get the drift. But even from that, I would say the counselor can see that she tends to blame others for her decisions, that she can not maintain a healthy relationship, and that she is pretty self-centered and entitled.

If it were me, I would trust the LONG-TERM abilities of the IC and not listen to what your WW says that the IC tells her, because...uhh...BC, she is NOT well!!

Your faithful friend,


CJ

Wow BC. I can't believe you have to keep going through this crap. You have to find a way to get that sole custody and then move on. You are way to good of a man and a father to have to live like this. Keep fighting the true and good fight. It will happen.