How long into a relationship would you wait before you introduce your boyfriend/girlfriend to your children?

There are a lot of popular opinions out there on this one...IMO, it depends on the age of the kids, maturity level, and how they handled the D.

My DD's were 12 and 14 when I started dating. I would introduce them to dates if the opportunity arose. I felt like it was a good time to teach/model about dating. Of course, they were very open to the idea of me dating and wanted me to be happy. Some they liked, some they didn't! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> I think they met maybe 3 guys---it wasn't a revolving door of men!

The guy I'm seeing (14 months <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />), though, felt differently. His child is also a young teen. I was not introduced until around month 5. He was also very cautious as to when our kids finally met. It's worked out very well for us so far.

I guess I feel like your children are the deciding factor, and you know them best. The child's security, happiness, and self-worth should always come first.

UpandRunning

If your children are young, don't introduce them at all. Enjoy your dating, but keep it away from them.

If they are 17 or older, do it when you think you have a serious relationship. Kids need peace of mind ABOVE ALL ELSE. Your romantic life should be kept to yourself until your children are almost (grown)up and out.

#1 job, raise your children.
#2 job, you

Just my opinion.

Thank you upandrunning and angel123

Yes my children were the deciding factor in this relationship that i just got out of, we had been together for 3 months and I was not comfortable for her to meet my children. I felt that that if she really wanted a relationship she would understand my desire to let me take my time for it to happen. Her children are 15 and 14, she introduced me to them not too long ago. Mine are 11 and 8.
Although three months ago when I met her I was very cautious about getting too involved and that it would have only lasted two to three months tops. It so happen I was correct, she starting wondering about the relationship and where it would lead and then having second thoughts. I on the other hand will not jump into any serious committment after three months, I rather take my time and let things move along and if she liked me well enough she will understand my need to do so. We broke up over the phone and via email. She wrote

"These past couple days I have been thinking a lot and trying to balance the things inside my head. The biggest emotion that has driven me for the past several years is fear, and I am afraid that is still the case. I know I probably sound like I am contradicting myself when I tell you this, and in a way I am. What I said about being afraid of being alone, that is a major issue for me. I am also afraid of being hurt and of hurting the people I care about. It was a couple of weeks ago that I first got this bug in my head about things not being right and felt conflicted because I like you so much and enjoy spending time with you on every level, but I am not able to get past the fear that things are not going to work out between us because inside I am very confused and unsettled. I don't want to hurt you and I am hurting myself. I am so sad."

I am sorry I didn't call you this morning. I really believe that when one person feels that the relationship is over, it is a mistake to try and go back on that. It was not a decision that I came to lightly but it is a decision I am sure about now. I am sorry that I hurt you - it was not my intention in starting this, as I went into it openly. You are an amazing person and I wish the best for you.
After that letter I told her that I had expected it and was not hurt, being prepared for it, was dissapointed because I was falling in love with her but would not let my defenses down.
Any suggestions? Should I go running after her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Why did she not confront me face to face? Why use the phone and emails? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Your situation seems quite clear IMO, even if you had no children of 8 and 11...
I.e. do you really need unsettled and confused woman in your and your kids life??
You'd do good to her TOO if you let her go to deal with her issues, to heal, then date when she's ready to date and have a healthy relationship, and not from just fear of being alone...

Re: 'when to introduce'... upandrunning said my exact thoughts about it:
"it depends on the age of the kids, maturity level, and how they handled the D... The child's security, happiness, and self-worth should always come first."

Thank you for your opinion, I guess if I look at it that way it does make sense. If she was secure about herself she would have understood my desire to slowly introduce her to my children.
My XW left when the children were 4 and 7 and I have given up my personal and private life for them, until recently when I met this woman. My kids security, happiness will always come first or at least until they begin their own experiences in life and relationships.

I thought her letter was confusing & unclear. Perhaps she's confused & doesn't have a clear idea about what she wants in her future, besides not wanting to be alone. Not the best reason to get into a relationship quickly.

I agree with B2M, let her go, she needs time to figure out what's what in her life.

Thank you Nam.I appreciate your opinion.

AAA,

If this woman sent you the e-mail on the basis of thinking things weren't progressing as fast as she'd like,after only 2-3 months mind you,then you may have avoided a disaster.

I have kids too that I am not going to introduce to any man until I am sure it's a good thing in my life that has potential.The last thing I want is to parade a bunch of guys thru the home and to my kids when it's anybody's guess how things might turn out.I am not that kind of person.yuk.My kids have always been my priority too and basically,a man is going to have to be worthy of meeting my kids.If and when that happens,I will decide.

You were falling in love with her so I am sorry that this didn't work out right now.But,if she's in a rush to be serious with someone,it might not be right for you and your kids.Personally,I would not pursue her.She broke up the easy way IMO.She doesn't have to see you.

Thank you american beauty, yeah I was wondering why she used the phone and emails. I wanted to see here face to face but she refused. I guess that was the easy way out.

I met my BF's children about three months into our relationship. I thought it was a little quick - but it was very important to my BF that we meet. His kids are older (17,21 and 25) so we met for an afternoon of miniature golf - very non-threatening. I asked my BF later on why he introduced me to his kids so soon (we'd only been seeing each other on weekends) and he told me that as his kids are #1 in his life, but that I was becoming important to him also, that he wanted us all to meet - because if for some reason we all hated each other, then he didn't want to get more emotionally involved with me - as it wouldn't work out in the long run if I couldn't get along with his kids.

It all turned out well - he's got three of the most amazing kids - and it's all working just fine.

I am very interested in this topic as I am facing a similar situation with my signifcant other. We have been dating 16mos. but I have not met his two boys ages 9 and 11. I'm not sure how to guage where we are and I have a lot of research still to do.

msmffy

I can only speak from my own experience.

When I separated from my XWH, he was with MOW and was also seeing other women. My younger children were exposed to all the women, even MOW and her children. After seeing how my children reacted to this, I decided that I would not do the same thing to my kids.

When M and I started seeing each other, my children were 17, 9, 7 and 6. I explained to M how I felt about introducing my kids to him, he understood and agreed with my point of view.

We were together for about a year and I felt that our relationship was stable and there was a future for M & I. That's when I decided to introduced my children to M. (My children were well aware that I was seeing someone and they were very curious and often asked to meet M.)

I chose to take the kids to a small amusement place with go carts, video games, lazer tags and putt-putt to introduce them to M. The children had no idea they were going to meet M, I didn't want them to be nervous, M was the adult, I figure he should be the one to handle the nervousness.

When M showed up, the kids were all grinning and knew who he was. We all had a great day. My oldest daughter was quiet and sat back and observed, but after that day, she just opened up to M and now they are inseparable. She tells him that she is his "shadow".

It's been 1 1/2 yr. now since the kids met M and all is well. We function like a family, ie... eat dinner together, spend Holidays together, go to church together and etc...

I would not suggest that you follow in the way I introduced my kids to M. They are my kids and I know how they react to things, that's why I chose to surprise them when it was time to meet M. Some kids do not do well with surprises.

Best of Luck!

thanks Immovingon. I think that if too much more time passes then I personally would start to assume that he doesn't want me to meet the kids at all. I am not looking to take precious time away from he and his boys but I think it's important that we start exploring how to navigate integrating our lives together. I don't know how much he has told his boys about me, but that is yet another topic. I get the feeling that a large degree of his avoidance is due to the exW, but I could be wrong.

Sounds like things are going well in your world !!

I didn't introduce M to my girls for months. I think it was 5 months after we started dating. M didn't push me, he respected it was my choice, but I think he must have wondered about my feelings for him.


Eventually, it became an issue of broken hearts. If M and the girls hated each other, I didn't want either of us completely heart broken.

I've taken the integrating very slowly.

GG,

You are so right on this issue ..."If M and the girls hated each other, I didn't want either of us completely heart broken."

That was a major concern for both M & myself. We had already invested in a whole year in our relationship and what if the kids hated him.

Dating after divorces is certainly a challenge, especially when kids are involved.

Well I am in quite a pickle everyone. Out of the blue today, my SO suggests that he and his kids go for an outing with me on Friday nite. I am freaking out a bit here - we haven't really talked about what this means. He also mentions that he has told the boys about me and that we've been together for awhile. It's been 16 months of dating and I sort of had given up hope on things really going any further. I am not certain how to get my head back around on straight in the next two days.

msmffy

LOL. Sorry, but isnt' that just life!

Just relax and have fun. It will be okay. And it means that your BF is serious about getting more serious. How's that for guy-speak?

well I got an email from her today

" When my last relationship was over, it went on and off for months. By the end I hated him for the up and down he put me through. If he had been man enough to just end it, I could have started getting over it a lot sooner than I did. I know what that is like and I would never do that to someone I care about. So I am trying to be man enough to say that this isn't going to work out for me so please don't make it harder than it already is by making me feel guilty. I am sorry.

This was not about me introducing my kids to her it was her last relationship. Sounds like she is comparing him to me.

Sorry...

It doesn't sound to me that she compares you to him (at least that's not important here), rather that she doesn't want to hurt you as she was hurt in a similar situation.
She is very honest and sincere, she wants out, on time.
I would appreciate that. I would tell her that. I would accept that. And wish her all the best. Without any feeling of disappointment, moreover of guilt, for any of you.
Then let her go.