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I'm a FWS, I ended the A in Sept 2003, my H had no idea about the A, but the guilt of keeping it from him about killed me. I confessed it to him in Dec 2004. Our marriage has improved and is better than I ever had expected marriage to be.

Our first Valentine's Day together was a nightmare. Now we just try to get through it w/o either of us bringing up that really bad day back in 1987. Since 87 we have always just viewed it as any other day.

What I would like to do this year is change how we feel about Valentine's Day and do something special for my H. I know I don't have much time for planning and I don't want to do the traditional dinner and candy. There is nothing A related that should cause him any triggers so that shouldn't be an obstacle.

Does anyone have any suggestions or really great ideas of things they have done? My first step will be to search for a card from the heart because I know he won't expect anything like that since I never buy him cards.

The reason I feel it's important to start something new is because he isn't in the same place I am in in recovery and overall happiness. I just started reading HNHR for the second time. It was the first book I read in 2003 after I ended the A. I can tell I'm doing something wrong lately, I can see it in his eyes. I asked him if he is in the same great place I am in and he admitted he is not.

I've been reading around here since Jan and I see where I am making some mistakes, not intentionally, but by becoming relaxed and comfortable because I am so happy.

Don't get me wrong, I know this isn't a cure all, but I do think it will be a nice thing to jump start things again.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions.





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Hi LifeChoice,

I see you registered 2 days before me. It's been lifechanging for me and our marriage and I hope it is for you, too.

Quote
What I would like to do this year is change how we feel about Valentine's Day and do something special for my H. I know I don't have much time for planning and I don't want to do the traditional dinner and candy. There is nothing A related that should cause him any triggers so that shouldn't be an obstacle.

Does anyone have any suggestions or really great ideas of things they have done? My first step will be to search for a card from the heart because I know he won't expect anything like that since I never buy him cards.

My H and I agreed to do ONLY gifts from the heart this past Christmas. He wrote me a long heartfelt letter I framed and I gave him a box of promises.

I wrote a poem and typed it in a long strip that I taped to fit around the box (about 6" x 6"). Inside was a smaller box that had the rest of the poem. Inside the inner box I put oragami (sp) folded pieces of paper (some were minature paper airplanes, secret folding cubes, etc.) on which I had typed things we wanted to do for each other. For instance, I'm a paper/clutter/mail piler so one said "Create Files from Piles". I hate (or I used to hate) fishing and I'm allergic to camping conditions, but one said "Fishing for Fun" and another said "Camping at the Coast". It took him 5 minutes to open it but he stopped the entire family gathering to read it to everyone.

I thought I'd add new things every Christmas and you could do the same on V Day.....start a new tradition.

If you want, I'll edit my poem and post it on the "Creative Ideas" board.

Btw my STBFWH is just now feeling good about waking up in the morning....always liked to sleep b/c he did not have to be conscious of the pain he caused me while asleep. I am praying that he will be happy like you are soon, but each R is different.

Let me know if you want to see my poem.

Happy V Day.

Ace


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Ace,

I would love to see your poem. I like the idea of the box with little messages in it. We both have been trying very hard to pay attention to each others special interests. We took up sailing a few years ago and bought a small sailboat. I am so thankful he did this with me because it was something I wanted to learn how to do.

For the last few months of the summer anytime we were on the boat I watched him to get a sense of what he thinks about sailing since it was 100% my idea. I saw no enjoyment on his face and finally asked him how he felt about it. He said he hates it because it is a HUGE trigger for him. In the fall I made the decision to sell our boat this spring. I wish he had told me sooner. Here I thought he was enjoying it as much as I was and he despised the whole thing. He took me out on the boat anytime I wanted to go and was miserable the whole time.

I still think he thinks it's "his job" to make everything work. I know, even though he says differently, he still feels that the A was his fault. He will say he knows it's not, but I'm not sure he believes it, at least that I what I see in his actions.

I told him when the boat sells we will buy a hot tub because that is something he has been wanting for a long time. He likes to golf and fish. I took golf lessons a year and a half ago with the intention of golfing with him and told him I would go fishing when the weather warmed up. What I didn't do was follow through and do those things with him last summer. Anytime we had some free time for something fun we went on the boat. I'm feeling a little selfish that we didn't do his things, but I honestly didn't know he hated the boat. This year I have to just plan the things he wants to do.





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Ace,
Just wanted to say I LOVE your idea:
Quote
I gave him a box of promises.
I wrote a poem and typed it in a long strip that I taped to fit around the box (about 6" x 6"). Inside was a smaller box that had the rest of the poem. Inside the inner box I put oragami (sp) folded pieces of paper (some were minature paper airplanes, secret folding cubes, etc.) on which I had typed things we wanted to do for each other. For instance, I'm a paper/clutter/mail piler so one said "Create Files from Piles". I hate (or I used to hate) fishing and I'm allergic to camping conditions, but one said "Fishing for Fun" and another said "Camping at the Coast". It took him 5 minutes to open it but he stopped the entire family gathering to read it to everyone.

Another little idea is to make your own card using scrapbooking techniques to make it. I've done this and my husband loved it.

Last edited by Mates4Life; 02/11/07 05:17 PM.

[color:"#39395A"]***Well, it's sort of hard to still wonder if you were consolation prize in the midst of being cherished.***
- Noodle[/color]

Devastation Day: Aug 26, 2004
[color:"#2964d8"]"I think we have come out on the other side... meaning that we love each other more than we ever did when we loved each other most." [/color]
[color:"#7b9af7"]
~Archibald MacLeish[/color]

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Thanks LC and Mates. The poem is posted in Creative Affection (it's copyrighted but your fee will be to pay it forward ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Will somebody tell me/show me /refer a source of how to link from thread to thread...puleaaaase?

Ace

PS Mates...thought you were away celebrating your birthday with your dad! LOL


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Yes the shower is running, but I'm not in it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />


[color:"#39395A"]***Well, it's sort of hard to still wonder if you were consolation prize in the midst of being cherished.***
- Noodle[/color]

Devastation Day: Aug 26, 2004
[color:"#2964d8"]"I think we have come out on the other side... meaning that we love each other more than we ever did when we loved each other most." [/color]
[color:"#7b9af7"]
~Archibald MacLeish[/color]

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LC:

Interesting about the boat.

Don't forget that sailing might be something that YOU need to do. I do not know what the trigger might be. Want to expand on this?

Valentine's Day?

Something horrible happened in 1987 on this day? What's up with that?

Because Valentine Day is for lovers and the media really, really plays that.

But you do not have to.

Last night, me and Mrs LG were square dancing. The president of the club asked us to fill in our birth day's and Wedding anniversary date on a form. So that they could celebrate at dances later in the year.

I was looking at the form, filling in my wifes birthday, and then started to fill in the anniversary date. But stopped. Because Mrs LG looks at that day as tainted. We do not celebrate that day anymore. I Pi$$ed on that day.

So we celebrate Dday now. Every month. The 4th is celebrated. But Mrs LG forgets now.

I need to ask her what day she wanted on the form.


So, why the sudden urge to celebrate this Valentines Day?

Mrs LG and I give the same card back and forth every year for the past 7-8 years. Weird. But that card spoke volumes about our relationship.

Maybe the gift will be that you list the boat in the paper that day "for sale"

Or, you schedule some golf lessons. Or book the cabin for some fishing with you and him.

Because Mates said this "I gave him a box of promises."

Don't give him promises. Give him actions.

See the difference?

Mrs LG has taken some golf lessons and has tried to learn how to play. And I love her for it. I never expect her to really "get" Golf. I just hope that she is willing to go with my son and me when we are on vacation, or to share a beautiful day together.

And Mrs LG always wanted to sail. Paid for and attended some great sailing schools. But never took the effort to actually sail.

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Oops I screwed that up.

I didn't give him a box of promises. I gave him home made card though.

I gave him new leather chaps to keep him warm on his motorcycle.

I have given him a silk robe and matching silk boxers. (A really big hit).

I have given him carved boxes on many Valentines Days. I've cooked special dinners in lingerie and heels. Why is that such a hit??

I'm at a loss this year. His silk robe disappeared during our NYE getaway. I'm thinking to try to replace it.


[color:"#39395A"]***Well, it's sort of hard to still wonder if you were consolation prize in the midst of being cherished.***
- Noodle[/color]

Devastation Day: Aug 26, 2004
[color:"#2964d8"]"I think we have come out on the other side... meaning that we love each other more than we ever did when we loved each other most." [/color]
[color:"#7b9af7"]
~Archibald MacLeish[/color]

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LG,

Thank you for your thoughts. I will try to break this down a bit. Bear with me, I'm new to the setup of the board and not quite yet use to the features, especially quoting. I tried quoting each item separately and unfortunately I was doing something wrong. My H isn't home to help me, so I will have to just modify for today. I will have to play around with doing multiple quotes another time. I didn't want to lose this message so I am going to post it with an odd way of quoting.

>>"Don't forget that sailing might be something that YOU need to do. I do not know what the trigger might be. Want to expand on this?"<<

Hmmm, how to say this w/o it looking as bad is it will, most likely, sound and try to keep it short. Sailing is something that was introduced to me by my FOM but long before we crossed any lines. We had been friends and coworkers for 5 years prior to the A. 6 months after I ended the A I made an attempt to confess the whole thing to my H, but I couldn't/didn't. I took the easy way out and only told him FOM and I had gone sailing w/o telling our spouses. He said and I quote, "You know I don't care if you and FOM hang out and do things together." That was the end of our conversation that day.

My H knew how much I fell in love with sailing the day I went and when I told him I wanted to take lessons he said he would like to do it with me. This was before he knew about the A. When it came time to take the lessons he did know about the A, but he said he still wanted to go ahead with our plan. Yes, I gave him the option to back out. After our lessons were finished my H found a used boat he thought we should buy. I told him I would prefer we rent one to start so we could make sure it was indeed something we wanted to do. He insisted we buy, so we did. He never said anything about not liking sailing for 2 years. I knew he wasn't liking it as much as I did, he would just say he enjoys watching the enjoyment I was getting from it. He knew it was something I wanted to do, but he never told me he didn't like it, nor that it was a trigger. Through the whole process from learning to buying a boat and even sailing for 2 summers, I often checked with him and he said it was fine. Only it wasn't fine. I'm still not sure why he didn't tell me the truth. I have an idea, but I don't really know for sure.

>>"Valentine's Day?

Something horrible happened in 1987 on this day? What's up with that?

Because Valentine Day is for lovers and the media really, really plays that.

But you do not have to.

So, why the sudden urge to celebrate this Valentines Day?"<<

I know and I'm not buying into the whole thing, I wanted to surprise him by doing something he would not expect. I know he would appreciate the effort especially since it isn't something we usually do.

>>"Mrs LG and I give the same card back and forth every year for the past 7-8 years. Weird. But that card spoke volumes about our relationship."<<

That sounds very sweet.

>>"Maybe the gift will be that you list the boat in the paper that day "for sale"<<

As much as I would like to do that the boat is in storage until April 1 and there would be no way to show it if someone actually was intersted in seeing it. It is stored at the marina under tarps and behind other boats. It is very inaccessible until spring.

>>"Or, you schedule some golf lessons. Or book the cabin for some fishing with you and him."<<

I actually took golf lessons last winter. We had hopes of going this past summer, but never did. I didn't even realize that I monopolized our free time with my hobby, but again I didn't know he didn't like sailing.

>>"Don't give him promises. Give him actions.

See the difference?"<<

Yes I do hence the reason I wanted to show actions on VD. Something very out of the norm and I do think he would appreciate it.

>>"And Mrs LG always wanted to sail. Paid for and attended some great sailing schools. But never took the effort to actually sail."<<

Is sailing something you enjoy? Is that why she took the lessons or is it something she wanted to do? Just curious.

LC





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Ace,

Thank you for sharing your poem. What a wonderful gift.

LC





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LC,

Glad you enjoyed the poem. Love to hear what you decide to do to make Valentine's Day special and unique.

Ace


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LC:

I can now see why sailing is the trigger.

But Harley recommends 15 hours of Undivided Attention a week and as much Recreational Companionship as you can get.

Sailing may be your H's trigger, becuase it was a factor in your A. And he does have an obligation to be honest with you. Were you the capitan or Him? (See below)

I told my W for years that Golf was a stupid game. Then I started playing.....

Somewhere in there is a compromise. You can join an evening sail group. Here on the Chesapeake Bay, they race one night a week at most of the Yacht Clubs. (Non-members can be crew) THIS does mean trying to win the America's Cup. But some of the boats just go around the circle to sail, and get out on the boat. It's scheduled and you have fun. Get with an All-woman team. Your sailing urge is met, and he doesn't have to participate.

Sailing in my case? Mrs LG wanted to sail. She wanted me to learn, so that we could sail. I always thought, well, you sail, I ride and help. It really your thing and I will do whatever you take the lead on. But she wanted me to lead. It was her thing. So, we were stuck.

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Sailing may be your H's trigger, becuase it was a factor in your A. And he does have an obligation to be honest with you. Were you the capitan or Him? (See below)

Somewhere in there is a compromise.

Sailing in my case? Mrs LG wanted to sail. She wanted me to learn, so that we could sail. I always thought, well, you sail, I ride and help. It really your thing and I will do whatever you take the lead on. But she wanted me to lead. It was her thing. So, we were stuck.

My H and I co-captained. We took turns doing everything. The only thing I didn't have confidence to do was getting the boat out of the slip and out of the marina.

I think what I am going to be most sad over when we sell the boat is that I really thought we were having fun together, then to find out he was doing it for wrong reasons. For my H it was an "in your face" gesture to FOM, IMO anyway. I'm sure I could find a boat to crew on, but I'm not sure I want to do that. In all reality I really stink at sailing, but to me the most important thing is I was having fun doing something I never thought I would ever do. I loved being out in the lake w/o a care in the world, the wind, the sun, the sails, ahhh the whole package. (this is why I fell in love with it the very first time I was out on a sailboat.) To me there is nothing better than sailing along and figuring it all out (both sailing and pondering life). I don't think I'm going to get that crewing in a race. My interest in it isn't going as fast as I can, it's enjoying a nice leisurely day on the lake. Know what I mean? I know we could get a powerboat, but I also know that won't do for me what sailing does.

I know it's important for us to do the things we like, but I also think it's very unfair to my H if I ask him to continue sailing. I'm not sure what a good compromise would be.

LC





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LC:

Quote
I know it's important for us to do the things we like, but I also think it's very unfair to my H if I ask him to continue sailing. I'm not sure what a good compromise would be.


Isn't that what the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) is all about?

LG

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Isn't that what the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) is all about?

LG

Good point. My H knows I read and post here, but I have not asked him to visit this site. Perhaps it's time I suggest he read around MB's. He won't be thrilled that's for sure and I'm not sure he will agree, but it can't hurt to ask.

LC






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