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lost
i called a lawyer who was a friend of my father's long ago and asked his advice on what to do when i found out my H had his A. i had thrown him out and hfe was literally begging to come hoom.
he suggested a post-nuptual agreement
(he also suggested that i try dressing up in costumes and wigs to keep my H interested...he said men like variety....THE PIG!)
anyway
i asked my H to sign one in order for us to reconcile (when we had our false recovery)
he said that he would
because he agreed to it......i trusted him enough NOT to have an agreement drawn up
i took him back into our home and into my heart........
and look where I am now!
woulda, should, coulda.....didn't
maybe he wouldn't have been so quick to jump back in OW bed if he had known he would lose everything!
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Techie,
Maybe that is what I meant to say.
I don't want to just march in and say "Too bad - I'm stopping this process and if you want to be divorced you will ahve to do it yourself"... what I want to do is make sure he sees that there is room for consideration... that there are things that are different than when he aked me to file in November.
I will ask about the postponement (sp?) thing... that may sit better.
I agree - once divorced, it sure makes it harder.
Sometimes I wish I could just say - "Let's run away and start over!" New state, new jobs, new house, new everything. I want to go to him and say, 'i'm taking a job in South Carolins - PLEASE come with us!"
But I won't do that...
You're right - to frame it as "one more time" right now may be restrictive. Maybe I just say, "You have asked for time... could we put off finalizing the D for some period of time to allow you that opportunity to think?"
Of course then he has the wrath of the GF to deal with who is the one who has pushed... she doesn't like the idea of dating a married man.... go figure.
~lostsheep
Me, FWW -34
Him, BH - 36
DD6
Dday#1 - 3/04
NC broken 4/04, A resumed 3/05
Dday#2 - 7/05
Dday#3 - 3/06
NC 2/5/07
H moved out 4/06, asked me to file for DV 11/06
DV final 3/7/07
...trying to be H's friend again...and finding my way
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My dear new MB "friends".
I am so much better able to understand that a lot of what we do here is catharsis. These are incredibly difficult and painful things to live through, aren't they? Whether you are the FWS or the BS. It is truly a rotten mess regardless of what side of the fence you are on.
I so appreciate that you all have taken time out of your lives to give me advice and share your opinions. Sometimes, as in the beginning of my time here, things you have said have hurt me. But, I really needed that hurt to wake me up.
Some of the things you have said have made me laugh, cry, want to offer a hug, want to scream.
Most of the thigns you have said have started in me a process of learning, of exploring, of requiring honesty of myself and others.
And it is for this reason alone that I have stayed. I have grown here. And I have learned here.
I have learned that perception is based in what we know as fact and reality. It would be impossible for a "wayward" or former to ever really understand how the betrayed experiences the A and the recovery. And, it would be impossible for a betrayed to understand how the former wayward perceives the A and recovery. And sometimes through sharing here we are able to enlarge our perception to include some of what is the "other" side. What an awesome thing that is.
I love my H. I have loved him for 18 years. Together we made a life and a child. It is true, I made horrible choices and terrible mistakes with far-reaching consequences. And over the past couple of weeks, I have come to a place where I can "own" that.
My H loves me. He has for 18 years. And, that is probably why this has so destroyed him. He has said to me, "How many times am I going to just bend over and let you **** me in the ***? What kind of man does that?!"
And I have to understand that he has been SHAPED by this experience as much as have I.
But, as I have been learning, I am only responsible for MY choices. Not his.
I HAVE asked him what he thinks about all of this. And he wants "time". So, for now, he is choosing to continue dating and involving himself with other women who are not his W. And I do not blame him for it. Nor do I consdier him to be wayward. I KNOW what wayward looks like.
My choice is, to suggest that we not proceed with finalizing the D. I am not going to simply pull my petition and say "surprise"... I'm not going to just hem and haw and put him off.
Those things would not be in keeping with the "new" lostsheep.
Rather I am going to sit him down (Monday) and share with him what I have learned, where I am now. I am going to ask him where he is now. I am going to suggest that if there is any shred of him that thinks maybe we might be able to build something of beauty from the ashes of our M, that perhaps we don't sign anything and we seek counseling... perhaps just independently at first, and then with a MC. I am going to ask him to search his heart.
And he very well may say he wants to be divorced. And if that is is strong desire, and if he can tell me that, then I will not pull my petition. God doesn't care what the paper says, He knows my heart. And there is much truth in the fact that if I pull my petition, H will likely be furious. And he will quite possibly decide that this is another example of me manipulating things to fit my whim.
He would be "forced" to either file himself or break up with the GF, and having lived with lying, cunning, deceitful, selfish, manipulative lostsheep, he would likely see that move as an example of all of the aforementioned traits rather than the new and improved lostsheep.
So I will be HONEST with him (Monday). And then he will make a choice.
It may be that sometime down the road H will decide he is in love with the new lostsheep. It may be that he does not.
Regardless, I will be a better lostsheep than I was when I arrived.
I hope that I can continue coming here talking about what I'm learning... but I may just lurk for a while.
I have never, not in 18 years "wanted" a D. Not ever. Clearly my choices do not demonstrate that I wanted to preserve the M. But as for the D...I have dragged my feet from the begining. I have asked H no fewer than ten times, "Are we sure? Is this really the right thing?"
And he continues to choose that for him it is the "right" thing. So, one more time I will ask him to be sure. I will share with him what I know now, what I can see now. And I will accept his answer.
I won't stop working on me. I won't stop going to school or going to work or being the best mom I can be. I won't stop being his friend, I won't stop letting him know I care. Brilliant! I am very proud of you for the steps you have taken so far. The post nuptual thing is always a good way for a FWS to assure that they will never cheat again.
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Maybe I just say, "You have asked for time... could we put off finalizing the D for some period of time to allow you that opportunity to think?" That's perfect.. I had forgotten that he has himself asked for that. So you are only just taking him up on his offer. Make sure to say that you no longer wish to be divorced at all, and it would be your preference to stop it altogether. I think it's perfectly valid to state your preference, yet not be disrespectful of his wishes. Stating your own preference, should not be a "bad" thing, even if you wish to respect what he wants to do. Good luck, and God be with you. Sometimes I wish I could just say - "Let's run away and start over!" New state, new jobs, new house, new everything. If he becomes interested in recommitting to YOU also.. that may be a great idea. Dr. Harley actually recommends that as a positive step in many instances, I've read. but certainly at this point in things, it is too early for that i would think.
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Morning everyone!
What are you all doing here on the weekend??!!
I am so bummed today... it was 60 all week here and today it is going to snow - blizzard conditions! ICK! I am sooo ready for spring!
Milestone.... I can listen to Kenny Chesney today w/o getting all weepy...This is VICTORY people and growth! And I am happy about it!
H came to the Punk's game this morning - looked all dapper in his casino duds... just got off work... I realized something watching him with other kids... he always wanted more children, not really a possibility for me b/c I am not built for baby-having, but the GF has kids. H always looks so happy when he has the Punk and GF's kid @ his house. it's like he's gotten the bigger family he wanted.
Something for me to think about.
I bought him coffee, hung up his jacket, complimented him, etc. We really do very well when the GF isn't around.
Anyway, hope all have a good weekend - I have little people slumber-party fallout to clean up!
p.s. H and I are having the talk on Monday... please send me good thoughts.
~lostsheep
Me, FWW -34
Him, BH - 36
DD6
Dday#1 - 3/04
NC broken 4/04, A resumed 3/05
Dday#2 - 7/05
Dday#3 - 3/06
NC 2/5/07
H moved out 4/06, asked me to file for DV 11/06
DV final 3/7/07
...trying to be H's friend again...and finding my way
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[color:"red"] suggestion: [/color] [color:"green"] "I bought him coffee, hung up his jacket, complimented him, etc. We really do very well when the GF isn't around. " [/color] next time/opportunity ...get 'somthing' stuck in your eye ... ask H to help you get it out....
face-to-face <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> (shhhhhhhh .... this is a secret weapon, do not tell anyone I told you)
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Nice.... I did have on my very best "cute cheerleader" get-up... I wasn't born yesterday! And last night when I picked up the Punk he said, "You seriously don't have a boyfriend?" And I said, "No I am not interested in having a boyfriend. Why?" And H said, "Well if you wear those pants more often you're not going to be able to help it! Your a$$ looks amazing in those pants!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
~lostsheep
Me, FWW -34
Him, BH - 36
DD6
Dday#1 - 3/04
NC broken 4/04, A resumed 3/05
Dday#2 - 7/05
Dday#3 - 3/06
NC 2/5/07
H moved out 4/06, asked me to file for DV 11/06
DV final 3/7/07
...trying to be H's friend again...and finding my way
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LS,
Have you read hopeful_person's posts that I gave you on the other thread? I mention this because your H may NEED this divorce so see himself as something other than a loser you have on a string. By the same token, there is hope that you two could build a new marriage from zero.
I don't know whether to suggest that you tell him of hopeful_person's saga, but it is important that in your heart you know of it.
I think you are actually learning alot, and I liked your reasoning in discussing with him the divorce and the go/no go on it.
You are growing LS, and I think you are going to grow into someone your H will really regret losing if he does. He clearly is attracted to you, and I think if he had more confidence he would give you yet again another chance. But, your NC with OM has not been that long, and that is what he really needs to see. Unfortunately, the timing of the divorce does not give the marriage much time.
Hang in there.
God Bless,
JL
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And H said, "Well if you wear those pants more often you're not going to be able to help it! Your a$$ looks amazing in those pants!" WOW!! woohoo! *cheer* <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> you keep at it!
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And H said, "Well if you wear those pants more often you're not going to be able to help it! Your a$$ looks amazing in those pants!" You should have countered that it looks even better OUT of those pants, and given him a wink.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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LS, If I could quietly slip in here, this is the post I was looking for from you. I am a lousy spelling and even a worst typist, so I don't post very often. By the time I type out a post, six people have already answered. You stated some things in this particular post that I was was so hoping you would. You seemed to have had an ephinay(light bulb moment), if you will. Can we somehow build upon that? love my H. I have loved him for 18 years. Together we made a life and a child. It is true, I made horrible choices and terrible mistakes with far-reaching consequences. And over the past couple of weeks, I have come to a place where I can "own" that. Ahaaaa.... Thank you Lord!! Yes indeed, this is where you need to be!!! My H loves me. He has for 18 years. And, that is probably why this has so destroyed him. He has said to me, "How many times am I going to just bend over and let you **** me in the ***? What kind of man does that?!" Once again, a window of wher your H is. He sees OW in a giant effort to restore his dignity In the destruction of the A that you had, was the detroying of your H's dignity as a man, a huband ,and a father. I can tell you from first han experience, this is totally and completely devastaing. After 4 years, your H is seeing OW. Guess what he is trying to restablish? Yep, his dignity as a man. So many ws's don't understand the vital crush to a man's ego, after his w has an A. It can destroy you, or you can find a way to combat it. Your H, IMHO, is trying to restablish, his dignity as a man. Do you understand that???? This brings us to the real problem. You don't want a D, so now you must ask yourself, How are you going to restablis your H's dignity and respect for himself as a ma and a husband and father?????? What is your plan???? Are you willing to be completely transparrent,giving up your own, second, compartimised life for the sake of your marriage? Can you really let go??? Your H needs answers to these Q's. He has a right to the A's. Are you strong enough at this point to answer these Q's within yourself? Sorry, this post has been more Q's than advise, but, you need to decide these a's before you proceed. All Blessings, Jerry
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"You should have countered that it looks even better OUT of those pants, and given him a wink."
I think it's a little too early for her to be that forward with him.
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"After 4 years, your H is seeing OW. Guess what he is trying to restablish? Yep, his dignity as a man."
Umm.. dunno if i'd agree with you there. what he is doing, isnt exactly "dignified".
i'm sure it helps build up his "self-esteem". but "dignity" and "self-esteem" are not synonymous.
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TECHIE,
I think yo've misintepreted what I was attempeting to say. I do not condone waht LS's H is doing, I was simply trying to convey the why of what he doing.
He is wrong for his attempts to be with OW in this journey, but he may not see this right now. LS needs to show him a path to come home.Just as she has been shown this path.
It will have to come from a mutual agreement between the two of them. It remains to seen if that will happen.
I do not condone unfaithfulness, regardless of the circumstances. I hope that is clear to you.
All Blessings,
Jerry
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... I think the best way I can "show him" the path home is to demonstrate my respect for H by really listening to his concerns and his feelings - and respecting them.
He has said to me in email this weekend, it might take "years" for him to believe that all of the "crap" with D4B is really over.
And that is fair.
I guess I don't really have a "plan". I think part of what I need to do is respect him. Respect his pain. Respect his distrust. Appreciate that he feels like an idiot for ever having stuck around. Understand that he has absolutely NO reason to trust me. And let him know all of these things - that I "get" where he is coming from.
And, I will, as we have discussed, share my heart with him, ask him to search his, and see if he is willing to postpone things a bit. Even if it is just another 30 days, that gives us each time to work on ourselves, read and think and learn and pray.
The biggest thing is - I'm going to be honest with him tomorrow. Honest about me, and him, and what I am learning, what I have done and how remorseful I am, honest about any question he may have about the A.
And that is really all I can do. I will pray before we talk tht God gives me words. And I will pray that He be in control.
And, then I will let H decide.
Maybe it is true that the thing he needs to do is be divorced from me - give himself a "marker" for the death of our M... and maybe it will be then that he will be able to face building something new.
We shall see. I am going to "be still" and know that God is God - and try as I might, I make a really sucky god.
5:00pm tomorrow is our time to visit about these things.
I am scared. And hopeful. And scared. But somehow strangely at peace with this.
He will choose what he chooses.
And I will love him, regardless.
~lostsheep
Me, FWW -34
Him, BH - 36
DD6
Dday#1 - 3/04
NC broken 4/04, A resumed 3/05
Dday#2 - 7/05
Dday#3 - 3/06
NC 2/5/07
H moved out 4/06, asked me to file for DV 11/06
DV final 3/7/07
...trying to be H's friend again...and finding my way
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LS,
It sounds to me you have a plan, and it is a good one. Be still and be honest, and have faith. This all might take awhile, but in the end if you continue to grow and learn, things will work out for you and hopefully for your H. He is really the lost one right now. But, 4 years of betrayal will do that to people.
Good plan, proceed with confidence that you are doing the right thing.
God Bless,
JL
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The best laid plans of mice and men.... H called, GF and her child are staying in town another day so he's so sorry but our talk will have to wait. I don't need to be a shrink to see that this is a fine way of him "showing" me what it feels like to have someone else put before me, to be replaced, to know I come 3rd or 4th, etc, etc. So I'm pretty much resolved that by the middle of next week I will be divorced. I can't even get a few minutes of his time to talk about postponing things. Which I guess is what I deserve. Maybe some small consolation is my IC says I'm being very smart trying to get to the bottom of what's going on with me b4 launching into anything new - with H or otherwise. So, y'all ARE smart! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />
~lostsheep
Me, FWW -34
Him, BH - 36
DD6
Dday#1 - 3/04
NC broken 4/04, A resumed 3/05
Dday#2 - 7/05
Dday#3 - 3/06
NC 2/5/07
H moved out 4/06, asked me to file for DV 11/06
DV final 3/7/07
...trying to be H's friend again...and finding my way
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OK LS, Pick your head up and learn that this is not going to be easy. Your H has serious doubts after 4 years, that you are somehow earnest about this. You cannot blame him for this, only yourself. I'm sorry if that seems blunt, but it was not meant in a mean or angry way. There is still a lot of work to done here. This is not going to be a Cindereller fairy tale reconciliation. There is a whole lot to be overcome in 4 years. You understand that right?? Don't throw in the towel at every setback. There are plenty more to come! This will not be a sprint, but rather, a marothon. Are you in trianing? Are you ready for this? I thought about you and your sitch all day today. I prayed God will find a way to soften your H's heart. He can do that in an instant you know. I feel as disappointed as you do about this, but I have learned not to Q God's wisdom. Perhaps today was not he right day? I don't know but God does!! Are you willing to have patience? Lord knows(not intended to be mean) your H had to learn that, did he not? Can you contact your attny and postpone things for a while? Show me an attrny who hasn't learned to do that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />. Did you ever consider that H's GF got wind of this and purposely sabotaged the whole thing? Hang in there LS, you said at the beginning of this that you were commited to this. Don't hang up your cleates after one setback. YOUR NOT DONE YET!!!!! This is just the beginning of the battle that it will take to win him back. Show me your determination!!!!!!!! I want to have faith in your conviction. I will pray for you. All Blessings, Jerry
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ST - I'm not giving up. I'm just not going to talk to him today. And I guess I don't really have a choice but to postpone things again if the judge is wiling b/c I don't know how we can possibly get everything agreed to and signed before next week. I DO understand this is a marathon - and yes I'm ready for that. And I get that he has a lot to recover from and that his hesitation is justified. He wants to make it clear to me that he is doing things to make himself happy now. Let me say this - it is hard, as all of you that are the BS know, to keep getting up and going back in there for hit after hit. But - that is something my H did for years. Perhaps my biggest spiritual struggle has always centered around my ability to wait on God's timing. I'm always sure I know better the time-frame for everything. So perhaps this will be the most challenging lesson in patience of my life... We'll see. But this sheep - she doesn't admit (true) defeat that easily. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thanks for reminding me of that! And thank you for your prayers.
~lostsheep
Me, FWW -34
Him, BH - 36
DD6
Dday#1 - 3/04
NC broken 4/04, A resumed 3/05
Dday#2 - 7/05
Dday#3 - 3/06
NC 2/5/07
H moved out 4/06, asked me to file for DV 11/06
DV final 3/7/07
...trying to be H's friend again...and finding my way
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LS, Glad to see you're hanging in there. I am not a sage or anything, but I believe ther will be many such trials in this noble journey. It aint going to happen easy, nor should it, for that matter. Anything of value will take hard work and sacrifice to achieve. Glad to see you're in for the long haul. I am beginning to believe it just might happen <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Someone here said " If God is your co pilot, you need to change seats." No truer words could ever be spoken. it is hard, as all of you that are the BS know, to keep getting up and going back in there for hit after hit. But - that is something my H did for years. Wow, errrr,,,,, speaks volumes about his character, don't you think? Chaulk this up as a plus for your quest. "Hope is the one thing satan has'nt figured out how to kill." Another plus for you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. In my prayers, Jerry
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