Hi TM,
Glad you took some advise from me. You went straight to the man himself(DR. H). Good for you!

As far as poping in at work, what is it you expect to find? Is this place of business somehow a place where they could become intimate? That's not the usual scenerio, but I have no idea.

If you feel compelled to do so, how about coming in with dinner for the two of you? Pizza, Chinese, take out, whatever she likes. That way, your just being thoughtful and not somehow snooping. Just a thought.

I thought more about your W warning you to back off from her office environment, and it still bothers me. It was the biggest red flag to me concerning how she warned you away.

From Dr. H;;;

Hmmmmmm, sound familiar??? Had I not been struck with betrayal, I would have and actually did say to myself: "what in the world is wrong with you, how could you even possibly thing your W could be unfaithful."

That, in a nutshell, was my undoing. People arond here say "trust your gut." They are so very right about this.

Any possibility your W would consider another job elsewhere, considering you are so upset? If not, you must consider that she is putting her sitch ABOVE your M and that is NEVER a good thing.

All Blessings,
Jerry

yes if no one is around it is a very favorable environment for intimacy. this is the only place and times that I think something could happen. the first convo that got my flags up happened after hours working late.

I like the idea of showing up with food, I was going to suggest we go out but showing up with it might be better.

thanks for replying, I wonder why no one else has today? am I doing something wrong in my posts?

she did mention trying to get another job during one of our meltdowns about it, but I think that was just arguement talk she was really upset and crying, she hasnt really said anything about it since, I think I may bring it up again.

Nope. When the thread starts to have 80 or 100 or 200 plus replies, most will simply shy away, as the feel thy don't have time to read that many replies. Makes sence.

You might want to put a different thought out there(which will create a new post) with a link to this original post. Maybe????

The dinner thing was to somehow treat your W to a pleasant surprize, and take away the possiblity of it being a LB. When she accuses you of snooping(and invariably she will), you just counter with, no, sweethaeart, I thought you would be pleased to have a short dinner break with me. See what I mean? It's still a strech, I know, but I used to show up on my W's long nights with her favorite coffee and a muffin. How could she find fault with that, right?

It never got me any info tho, I must warn you of that in advance. Like I said, it was a strech, as I believe your unannounced visit will also be. Sorry to say, but it's true.

OK, stay strong and vigilent.
All Blessings,
Jerry

well my big visit didnt materialize, she didnt work as late as I anticipated. thats a good thing, we had a pleasant evening with the kids.
plan A is holding, dont really know how to approach her about changing jobs though. still staying vigilent.

The staring off..ahh, I remember this..the longing..the pining..the countless hours of staring at TV..the dreamy look on her face..like she's in another place..I remember this all too well.

A week before D-Day ...myself, my WW, and my daughter had gone on a planned Sea-World trip that was planned months prior .. (I hate sea-world now - I will never return.) .. It was a 3 day trip .. we stayed in a nice hotel..we spent a few days at the theme park .. the hotel had a huge lagoon-like pool .. and I remember swimming with my daughter..looking up at my wife sitting at one of the patio tables .. staring off into space...biting her nails..it looked like her mind was in a far off place..I remember the coldness on our trip ..I remember her frequent trips to the restroom..I remember her giving every excuse in the book to get away from me .. to slip off and send a text message..or to call him ..

I knew what she was doing..but I had no proof .. but strangely - it hurt all the same .. Discovery happened when we returned home .. and I gave her time alone at the house .. and left to run errands .. sure enough - she wasted no time hopping on the computer to email him .. apparently she had been unable to contact him the whole trip .. the e-mail read something like

"I've been trying to contact you for days..I missed you so much I love you..blah blah blah there's so much that happened on our trip ..he (me) and I had a fight and..etc etc.."

..basically telling him all the intimate details of our trip..and how we had an argument on our trip..after I pounded a few shots of whiskey (I'm not a drinker..but at the time..I felt I was losing my mind) .. and when I drink I tend to say how I "really feel" .. I told her I knew she was up to something..and something was wrong with us .. I accused her of doing something secretive..and it's hurting me..and I told her that during the whole trip .. I didn't feel like she was "with me" in the present..

TM, this will hurt .. but the staring off..is "Lovesick" .. although we all know it's not REAL love..those distant eyes..it's lovesickness... The OM is the crack, take the crack away .. and you long for it.. .. you dream about it .. you miss it..you think about it all day .. and fantasize about getting the next fix ..

This is very hard for you .. I understand where you are.

One more piece of advice .. check your emotions . .you're going through a very emotional ordeal .. therefore before you speak or act - always check your emotions - don't let you're emotions control your words or actions .. disconnect from them and proceed with your plan .. as your WW is in her own FOG .. you may be also .. it is the FOG of the BS .. it will inhibit you from implenting an effective plan .. and doing it properly..

ism

thanks ism,
I get what you say about the FOG of the BS, I discovered that listening to heavy metal on the way to a possible confrontation is like taking big bong hits off the FOG machine, I wont do that again, I think it would have been bad if I would have found anything going on.

I'm not sure I have an effective plan, if I cant get any hard evidence, I dont know what to do.
Plan A is going good I think (-20lbs) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> been doing alot of listening to her, avoiding DJ's. trying to get her comfort level back up with me.

thanks for sharing your experience, where are you 2 at now? post me a link to your sitch if you have already put it up.

I don't have my own thread .. really .. and my story is kind of spread out..throughout different forums .. I do more reading here that posting .. to give you the summarized version ..

1. Wife developed EA on the internet
2. Discovery
3. Three months of Plan A - wife treating me like a douche-bag
4. I got tired of being second fiddle .. and feeling like a doormat
5. Advised my wife of my intent to divorce and move on with my life ..No plan B for me ..I was just done..if she was more civil during her affair .. I would have lasted longer ..but she really treated me like I was the scum of the earth .. .. (I was ready .. the confidence comes slowly..you will obtain it..hopefully you never get to that point)
6. WW threatens suicide and has emotional breakdown
7. WW comits to no-contact
8. We are in recovery and marriage counseling..we have moments..negative moments..all is not roses...but the lines of communication are wide open ... She's gone through withdraw and is done with that for the most part.. We're learning how to love each other..again .. and communicate.. It's not easy..we've got a long road ahead of us .. hopefully we can make it..I still love her dearly..like no other..we're both trying very hard..I know my part .. my role..in pushing her away .. she is learning also .. we're both learning together....

If I had a time machine and could go back .. there would be a lot of things I would have done differently in my situation..many things that I said..that I wouldn't have said..many things that I said in anger to her I wish I could take back .. .. but, she feels the same way too .. about what she said to me .. and her actions .. it's an ongoing healing process..

I hope you make it.

P.s.. 20 pounds? .. 30 for me.. :[ Yes! The infidelity diet works! .. and I still haven't put the weight back on ..