First, I know this is long, but I haven't had a good night sleep in over a week, Please be patiant.


Me and my wife have been married for almost 4 years. I love her so much. Recently she went on a bussiness trip for work that lasted 3 weeks. After 2 weeks I went to visit her and everything seemed fine. After about 2 hours we got into a fight about her wanting to go out with just her and her friends. I agreed it should be that way sometimes, but sometimes I want to come with. It turned into a huge disagreement and I ended up asking her if she even wanted to be married. She said she wasn't sure and started to give me a speech about how we are different and how she didnt regret the past years. I wish I never had brought it up. I told her i wanted to try to make it work. I don't think it's that bad. I asked her if she'd try and she said things would have to change.

I realize that I have been controling over the money, but we only have so much. I realize that we both got lazy in our marriage and we both need to start trying harder for each other. I also realize that she needs to do things without me, but it's hard for me, anymore, to do things without her.

I was staying with her for 2 more days. They seemed fairly good. We made some future plans to revisit the place in the summer. And also take a train to chicago for a weekend. On the last night she sat next to me and said, "so are we going to try and make this work?" I said I wanted to and then asked her if she did. She responded I don't know what i want.

Now I don't know what to do. I am willing to give her space, let her go out with only her and her girlfriends. I am willing to make myself better or at least try. She however is not seeing my point of view. i tell her that we are married, its okay to go out, but spending the night at a girlfriends is not what married people do. she disagrees.
I also told her it really bothers me that she goes to dance clubs without me. I like to dance to. She says it;s not a big deal. I don;t think she cheeting. There are no guys involved here.

I guess my question is. I am willing to try, she says she's willing, but at the same time she says she doesn't know if she wants too. Lately (I forgot to mention shes not back from her trip, she comes back friday 02/16/07). I have been trying to give her a bunch of attention and she feels like I am smothering her. She also says I need to start being more independant of her. I do agree, but it's hard.

What do I do to make this better?
I know we love each other very much. She sent me valentines cards before the fight and they said things like.. I miss you so much........ I miss being close to you....You are my one true love....I care for you deeply... you are very special to me...

How do I help myself to stop thinking about it and reflect a possitive atmosphere for her.
Everynight, i have bad dreams, where she is with me and then decides to leave me (Not the marriage, but at the moment) for her friends and she wants them more than me.


Please help!!! I know my marriage can work.

Hi jc...welcome to MB.

"I need space" almost always means they want to pursue an affair, without you around to interfere or make them feel bad about it.


Are you saying she wanted to go out with her friends, without you, *while* you were visiting her?


You're right. This is not appropriate behavior for a married person.


No guys in those dance clubs or bars? Not one? No guys she works with on the business trip?

Mate, there are red flags everywhere. Do you have kids with this woman? How old are you guys?

She could really want her space.

Hi jc4164,

I have been reading MB for over 5 years, however this is the first time I have ever posted.

I recently told my husband the same thing as far as needing space. I have been married for 13 plus years and our marriage has been a rough road. I have always been completely faithful to him even when we seperated by his choice 5 years ago. Thanks to MB we worked things out at that time.

Just to give you a little back ground my husband is a good person, however we have many problems and unfortunately we have stopped communicating. He is very controlling and posessive of everything I do. He is constantly quizing me and making acusations which are simply not true. He speaks at me and I have become afraid that I'm in trouble and this is not normal. He makes no effort to help me with anything as far as our home or child. He doesn't pay his bills like he has promised and promised to do. I have forgiven lots of these things many times not to mention numerous affairs.

I have made many mistakes myself as in any marriage it takes two. I'm at the point now where I have seperated from my husband because I do need some space to re-evaluate this situation. I'm not sure if I want to give another chance and risk my heart one more time. He tells me daily how he will change and go to counseling and I believe him now and I know if I go back things will be perfect BUT for how long.

Be patient with your wife. I do agree that overnight stays with her friends is not the right thing. That is what my husband did when he started one of his affairs. If she really wants to make it work then she will not do this and include you in on what ever she is doing.

Best of luck & I hope things work out for you

Hi there,

I have the exact same situation and what I'm learning from this is that things happen for a reason and it is making me and my wife stronger either for good or for bad. we have a 7 year old and that is one of the reason why I do my best to make it work evethough sometimes it seems imposible.
Hang in there.
Good luck.
C