I'm really considering a calm and respectful confrontation this weekend with OM.

A quick rundown of my sit:

Been married for over 8 years, no kids. I had an EA with ex-gf over summer. I also took pictures of W w/o her consent. We disagreed about porn issues. I didn't see anything wrong, she did. A little over a month ago she moved out. I seeked help for personal issues, feel a lot better about myself, yet disturbed I let things get as bad as they were.

Started seeing signs wife may be having A. Secretive about whereabouts, deception abundant, phone records showing outrageous number of calls to guy she works with, a host of other signs I won't get into, but really defensive when confronted with issues.

So I've decided I cannot stand idle any longer. I think at the very, very least she is having an EA with the guy to which will eventually lead to enhancement and growth of A. I don't know where OM lives so I'm thinking about seeing him when he gets off work this weekend. This is what I've thought about saying:

I want you to know I love "W" very much and I am trying to work on our marriage. There is nothing I won't do or try to save it. I know you're a good guy. I feel I know a lot about you from what "W' tells me. But I really feel your relationship with "W" is inappropriate for two people of the opposite sex to have, especially when one of them is married and going through rough times. As long as your relationship with "W" continues as it is I suspect it will only grow stronger and "W"'s and mine gets weaker. I was told by your cousin and by "W" that you felt awkward and inappropriate in some of the situations you and "W" have been in, yet you continue to go out and do things. To me the statement contradicts the actions. So I ask that you put yourself in my shoes as a man. As a faithful husband that wants to save the most sacred thing in the world. Would you want your wife (theoretical question - he's not married) having close, intimate interaction with a male co-worker? I don't think you would ever want to go through anything like this. I ask that you help "W" and I honor our commitment to each other and the commitment we gave God.

That's all I came up with. Please feel free to critique, add, subtract as you feel necessary. I thought about bringing up exposure at work but that would proabaly seem like a threat and would probably not be wise.

Let me know what you all think!

THX!!!!

I've done this exact same thing....EXCEPT I didn't tell him I know he's a "good" or "nice" guy. Just put it out there like you have, but don't mention what you think about HIM.

Mine worked so good that it really PISSED off my W. She thought I confronted and MY actions did this to their relationship when in fact HE made the choice.

Put it out there one phrase at a time...then listen.

Some things that came out...

1. Immediately he said "BS...I really want you to know that NOTHING has gone on here as far as any real relationship" He said "I told her it was probably innapropriate to be talking like this when you have marital issues. She responded by saying you guys were doing your own thing and getting a D, and that H was always mad anyway, so don't worry.

2. After expressing my undying devotion to saving the M he said. "Wow I got the impression things were over. You are telling me otherwise." THIS showed him HE was being lied to.

3. He said he told her that he'd NEVER go through a D again and does not want to be a part of ruining anyones family.

4. He said "Hey I'll stop contact immediately OK?" I then saw this as an opportunity. I said "No, I'm not out to kill any of my wifes friendships, so please continue if you think it's the right thing to do."

5. He then said "no, I would never be OK with my W speaking to any other guy this way."

We ended the conversation after discussing more oubout our children life etc.

He has NOT retured any messages or calls....evident through my W saying "You ruined it for me". "He won't even return my calls...I've tried like 10 times." W was really distant for the next 2 weeks but eventually turned around. I was lucky since the guy lived 200 miles away and I saw my W every day and she was working.

A calm approach is best. Let HIM see the damage HE is doing. However if he's falling for her...there is little he will do to stop. Just let him see the damage it's causing.

Good luck! Just be prepared for a tyrany of anger from your WW.

Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.

But it also means its WORKING! If there is no anger, then you should be more worried.

DF,

I'd like to point out that most OM are POS's and will tell you what you want to hear and then go and continue to pursue your WW further underground. You got lucky that your OM had some decency. Just ask Dogfood, Jayban, M2L, NST, and me about our OM. Dogfood's OM said he wanted nothing to do with his WW, and then he started a PA with her a week later. NST's OM said that he didn't want to break apart a family because his parent's got divorced, but then sent her a valentine's day card on her email. Most OM will brush things off unless confronted with evidence or if you act like you have all the evidence you need.

When I confronted my OM, I let him know that I KNEW what happened between me and my WW, so he started trying to justify his actions. I said, "I know you fooled around with my WW in NYC, how could you do that to me after I let you hang out at my place." He then said, "listen, we didn't have sex, but yes we did fool around a little. Jim, it's over between you and WW. She is going to D you. She said she already got a lawyer (which was a lie that she told him)." In your confrontation, I would try and extract some information out of OM, and give the impression that you KNOW what is going on, but just be vague about it.

Yes you are right. In my case they only met once, the same time I met him as well. He lived 200 miles away and I saw my W every day. The EA phone contact was all of 2 months. I was lucky that it was young, and long distance.

As I pointed out, yes if the affair is deep, there is little you can do to change the OP attitude because he's in the fog of pursuit and yopung, new feelings of love.

My approach would not have worked at all if they had been physical.

That will be difficult being as I know absolutely nothing. I know they help (or helped) each other with homework. I know they spend a lot of time together at work. I know they do things outside of work but what, where, and when are beyond me.

You can say, "I talked with my W, and I KNOW you did a lot more than studying. You crossed the line and I want you to have NC with my W."

He will probably say stuff like, "well we only kissed a few times, but we just study now," or "yeah, we fooled around, but she said that she is in the process of getting a D, but just doesn't have enought money." OM like to defend their actions.