Here is the current issue which is bothering me. Last November, I went to Salt Lake City for work. My company would pay for airfare and per diem while on business travel. No out of pocket costs for us. I wanted to see my dad who lives in Denver and since we live in MD; I don’t see him often. It worked out that flying to Denver for the weekend and then to Salt Lake would cost the same as flying RT to Salt Lake so the company would pay for it. I talked to H about wanting to take 2-3 extra days to go to Denver. He said “No” because it is too hard on him, his mom and the kids for me to be away for a full week. So I ended up not going to see my dad. I believe that H has issues in general with me going away. My work takes me away 2-4 (M-Th) weeks per YEAR which he knew when I accepted the job. He tells me he thinks I’m trying to get away (from who, him??). He has dreams that I’m having an affair (with my 65 yr old coworker??). He hates to be alone and has admitted to some abandonment issues.
Some other time H and I talked about the general idea of a spouse going on vacation with same sex friends. A male friend of mine went hunting for a week with his guy friends. H felt by taking a vacation with friends you were using vacation time that should be spent with family (taking away from him). I have a formal vacation benefit (‘x’ days per year which get accrued) while H can take as many or as few days off as he wishes (he’s full commission sales so any day out of the office means he might not make money).
So now, H wants to go to Las Vegas for a seminar. His employer won’t pay for anything. We’ll have to pay for everything: hotel, airfare, seminar cost and any other costs. This is on top of the fact that last year (2006) we spent about $1,500 on non reimbursed training costs, $400 for licensing and another $500 for misc. His income in 2006 was the lowest it’s ever been in 5 yrs so I don’t see a correlation between training and increased income. This year we’ve already bought him a new computer and some software which cost about $1,000. If he goes to this seminar alone, it will cost at least $1,000 (depending on if he stays in the hotel where the seminar is at $239 per night or another hotel at $50 per night). Honestly, I’m not sure it will increase his income any more than the other training. I don’t feel that I’m being supportive if I tell him that. Not to mention we haven’t budgeted for these costs and struggle to pay monthly bills.
Part B of this trip is that H wants to take the family to Las Vegas and then go to San Diego for a vacation. While I think this would be fun, I feel myself being resentful about this due to my not being able to visit my dad. Why is it OK for him to spend our money for work but it’s not OK for me to take 2-3 days to see my dad? I don’t want to say “No” out of spite, resentment or revenge but I don’t think it is fair. I haven’t discussed with H because I’m afraid to. I don’t want to get into a fight which is not a good reason and I need to grow here. I feel like I get persuaded by his arguments while we’re discussing it and then after I think about it, I don’t agree. H can be very persuasive and I don’t like to argue so I usually stop.
We've been talking about what we want to do with our vacation budget this year. H specifically stated he wants 2 vacations this year. We've talked about 1 driving vacation and one flying vacation but with a family of 4, flying gets very expensive. I don't feel I've gotten adequate preferences from him. If we take this family vacation, I feel it is not exactly what I want and it will eat most of our budget so I'm not sure we could even take 2 vacations.
How do I present my side with out acting out of resentment? Honestly, I just want to say "no" because he said no to me. I know that is not right. I also don't want to agree to this and while we are gone, I am pouting the whole time because I haven't dealt with the past issue.
This is not until early June but we need to decide early what our general plans are for the year.
