I've been with my husband for nearly 7 years now, married for 5. I am only 20 years old. We have two children ages 3 1/2 and 2 1/2. My husband is and always has been very emotional and verbally abusive and violent. He has symptoms that make me believe he may be bipolar. Throughout our time together, I have always tried to keep our marriage together and always thought that I could "change" him.

Recently, I feel like I have given up. I have been having affair for a little over a month with someone who has been a mutual friend of mine and my husbands for about 6 months. I wanted to tell my husband about this, to be honest since the beginning. Earlier this week, I told him about the intensity of the emotional side of the relationship. He handled it better than I expected at the moment. His moods change drastically though. One moment he is overly-affectionate yet completely willing to communicate. The next he is angry and making violent physical threats and saying there is no chance for us.

I'm not even sure that I am in love with my husband anymore. I will always love and care for him as a family member and the father of my children, but I'm not sure if it is possible to fall back in love with him, especially when I'm in love with someone else. Part of me wants so badly for our family to not end in divorce. On the other hand, I am not happy. I know that regardless of anything else, I need therapy. I need to sort my feelings out. I nned to figure out what is right.

For now, I thought I would ask for other's advice.
Can anyone help?

Okay, first of all....YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE with a person that you have been having an affair with for ONE MONTH!!!!!!
You are experiencing the feelings that an affair causes. They are very much like when you first met your husband, made love the first time, kissed the first time....That is what you are feeling, not love.

You will feel little to nothing for your husband as long as you are having your needs met in an affair relationship. He will be able to do no right.

You are right about counseling.

Whether you stay and work on your M or not, you should get out of this affair first and foremost even if it means being alone with children and working on yourself.

True, the feelings may be largely due in part to infatuation. I will continue to keep an open mind.

Erica...sorry you are here. You need to end this relationship, and sever contact with this OM forever. This also means telling your husband. You need to think hard about this; you are cheating with a man that is a mutual friend your husband. What kind of "friend" is this? Do really think you could ever have a trusting or meaninful realtionship with someone that has this kind of moral compass?

Erica,

1) Stop your affair. You have no clue how much this hurts your BH. I know there were many days while my WW continued her A that I wanted to commit suicide. What you are doing is wrong regardless of whether you think it makes you happy. Robbing a bank so that you have lots of money may feel good as well, but it is immoral, and will only bring you pain when the consequences catch up to you.

2) Get to marriage counseling. If you BH refuses to go, start making changes by yourself and try and start meeting his ENs without LBing. Usually a change in yourself with bring out a change in your spouse.

This is true.

You can fall back in love with your husband. People on this board have done it.

Can you give us more details on the 'violent' part of your H? Does he hit/beat you or the kids? When did he do this last?

Do you have family nearby that you could take the kids and go stay with? Is there a shelter you could go to?

None of this makes having an affair right...it's not an excuse...and you should still tell your H. But if your safety or that of your children is in jeopardy, you should be very careful how you proceed.

Okay... again... some people are missing the big picture here.
The FIRST priority is for Erica to get herself to a safe place. Yes, she needs to end the affair... but the moment she tells her H in her current situation she is going to put her life at risk.
This conversation needs to occur in a public setting with a third party present after she has moved her and the children out of the house.
You need to get counseling and you need to insist that your H get counseling for his violent tendancies. You and your children are at risk!
NUMBER ONE priority is safety for you and the children. Erica.. you need to start acting with class and integrity as far as the OM is concerned. He needs to be dumped immediately. But more importantly you need to start acting like a mother that wants to protect her family. Putting them and you in harms way is not doing that.
Call a local shelter or a relative that you can stay with. Your H should NOT know where you are staying. Also... look into... do not do it yet... filing a protection from abuse order. YOU NEED TO BE SAFE.
I have carried the bodies of people that thought they could manage an abuser... including a woman that was 9 month pregnant and a family of 6...yes, 6.
Marriage building comes in a distant second here.... please make yourself safe.

Erica,

Please listen to what mkeverydaycnt said and get out of that house with your kids. No one should be in your postion.

Are you still here with us?

We care about you and your kids.

Hi erica and welcome, though I'm sorry you find yourself having to be here.


I'll begin here. The FIRST thing you need to do is to get safe. You mention emotional and verbal abuse but also mention violence. What does this mean to you? How would you describe it?

Have you done research on bi-polar? It's a hideously difficult disease to manage and live with... ESPECIALLY undiagnosed and un-or-under medicated.


You already know that you must end the affair, but I will reitterate that you must be safe. I wouldn't tell your H until you are in the presense of a therapist, minister or social worker. He DOES need to know, it is his right, but do not put yourself in danger telling him.


This is news that NOBODY handles well. As a BS, your heart, life and soul has just been ripped apart. You have NO IDEA how much infidelity damages a betrayed spouse... no matter what kind of person they are.


Okay, so he makes threats to whom? You? The children? Has he ever gone further than threats?


Your situation is not unique. Almost all ... as in: ALL... wayward spouses say the EXACT same thing. It's almost embarrassing. And you're right, it would be almost impossible to fall back in love with him when you are giving all your attention to nurturing the affair partner.


Just be aware that many therapists are not pro-marriage and will encourage you to simply divorce. Especially if there is abuse... but I still believe that you need to FIRST get safe... and THEN think about your marriage...

Erica,
I am married to a very gentle, loving, kind man who rarely raises his voice, has rarely called me a name or said mean things to me, and NEVER raised a hand to me or my daughter, punched walls, etc.....

UNTIL the day he found a text message on my phone and I had to confess I had been having an A. That moment so overwhelmed this gentle, loving man, that he did and said things completely out of character for him (he did not hit me).

Erica, please, get safe. Get your children safe. Call on the reserve of courage and strength that it takes to bring children into the world and get safe.

When you have a safe place and time (as MEDC described), then you can tell him about the A.

I'm sure my H thought he was living with Jekyll/Hyde as I was his W one minute and the WW another. But there was transformation like I have never seen before on D-Day. And he has always been predictable and treated me like a fragile china doll, his princess.

Please. Get safe first. Today.

~LS

Is your H also 20?

No, he is 24.

Is the advice you are being given here regarding your safety getting through to you???

Okay, so I don't feel as though everyone completley understands the situation. Although my husband has been MILDLY physically abusive in the past, it has not happened in a considerable amount of time. The threats he makes are that he will will physically harm the OM. I understand that my H is hurt, but I also have been hurt the entire relationship. That does not make my actions justifiable, but it's not like I'm the one who is causing this. I've tried and tried, day in and day out, he hasn't. We've been emotionally divorced, as I like to say, for about a year.

I would also like to add that my H is aware of the emotional side of the A. Because of his issues, I knew that if I told him about the sex (which only happened twice) he wouldn't be able to handle it in a healthy way.

There is NO such thing as Mild physical abuse and the fact that you say that worries me. Please call an abuse hotline in your area and ask for their advice. They will know how to best guide you. In the event that your H finds out that his wife has screwed around... you DO NOT know how a man like this will react. I have seen it before... you cannot manage this on your own. Please seek out help... at the very least you will be armed with information.
In my old line of work... mildly physically abusive got your arrested.

ERICA:

This:

MILDLY physically abusive in the past

Run, I repeat, Run to the nearest shelter.

MILDY can become HORRIBLY in a flash.

MEDC is right. You need to get you and your children safe.

You are only 20, but that does not mean you need to suffer Physical Abuse.

Thank you for answering my question.

I had a concern about child sexual predation [I have seen some examples of this lately and frankly someone who reports to have been married at 15 sets off a few red flags].

Having more or less addressed it [it IS a significant gap particularly at that extremely young age] I can move on.

I agree with MEDC that there is no such thing as MILD ABUSE.

If something qualifies as abuse then it is automatically DISqualified as mild in nature..follow me?

So here is what I would like you to consider.

Consider that your marriage is in bad shape, is very unhealthy, and may not be repairable.

For sure I would advise you to seek a shelter and counsel.

With this in mind it is almost impossible that your relationship with OM is any different...even if it were not an affair it would STILL almost certainly be sick and rooted in mutual illness.

People who are in abusive relationships are sick.

People who are sick attract other sick people.

That's just the way it goes.

The fact that it IS an affair makes it certain that it is in fact a sick relationship that does not recognize or respect boundaries and is inherently abusive [whether you care or not, whether you FEEL married or not your affair is abusive to your spouse and your children].

So what we have is 3 abusors who definitely need to be separated.

You and OM need to separate forever whether you feel in love or not. There is no hope that this will become something healthy. Ever.

You and your H may or may not be able to reconcile the marriage but I would personally err on the side of caution and make the road back long and narrow.

It is very important to understand that you do not choose between your H and OM.

It is not a default. Not either or.

You can and may very well need to walk away from BOTH.

After reading this you will probably feel angry and defensive.

You will want to rationalize.

You will want to follow your feelings.

If you really want to get well and see what life looks like without abuse and addiction [affairs are addictions] you will have to choose to be the master of your feelings rather than be ruled by them.

I'm not saying you won't have them...I'm saying they can't save you and CAN mislead you if you allow them to.

I first off want to say that I am thankful for everone's care and concern. I am not angry or defensive about anything I have read, I am trying to be as open-minded as possible. I know that choosing between these two people is not an option. After reading everything that everyone has written, I think I need time alone and to heal before I get invloved in any other relationships. I need to focus on my children, school, and work. As far as me going to a shelter, I do find that a little difficult. I cannot remove myself and my children out of their bedrooms to live in that kind of environment when I don't feel like my situation is that severe. Maybe I need to think about that more though?

I'd also like to add that I think the reason my H and I have grown apart through the years is because I have become less of a sicker person. I have overcome many obstacles in my life, psychologically as well. I'm not as sick as I once was, as I was when I met my H.

Erika,

Having an affair is not healthy...it's living in fantasy...

Do you really want to hurt your children by going through multiple relationships...replacing people...which tells you, that you are replaceable? When you're not? Nor is your BH?

Why not stay in this marriage, learn your boundaries, match them to your standards, and know that your power and limits? Boundary enforcements...seeing them clearly, progressively and predetermining them...will tell you if moving to a battered women's shelter is healthy...it's not the first or the third step...it only comes after you know who you are, and you live up to NOT doing what you do not allow others to do to you.

Balance.

Affairs are abuse, too. They are. They are a huge passive-aggressive act against your spouse. Spouses don't grow apart...each choose to not be present, aware and honoring themselves, their partners nor the marriage. All choice...you can choose differently.

What are you healing and why aren't you offering your part to heal your BH?

I'm confused.

Do you want to redeem your destructive choices? Do you want to amend?

To be healthy, choose to live from truth...so that your boundaries are not reactions...they are healthy choices you make. And tell truth...to yourself...and others...and listen to your own mind, body and spirit...discover who you really are and share who you are with your BH.

Marriage is NOT completing one another...which tells each of you that you lack, aren't whole, when you are, and he is...Marriage is two whole people committed to sharing with each other, side by side, for a lifetime.

Is OM married? Did you amend to his wife? BF? Have you stopped seeing him, hearing from him...putting him out of your thoughts so in a short time, you can have clarity?

LA