THINGS WILL NOT GET ANY BETTER FOR YOU TWO UNTIL HE STOPS SEEING THE OW PERIOD. HE SEES HER AT WORK EACH DAY - HELLO.

I wish I could make these letters bigger.

Do you hear what we are saying????

Now - I'm yelling to you not at you.

I know your pain

ok, so yesterday i posted that i was "really ready to plan A" but i don't think i'm up for the challenge.

ever since we have been together, i have known that my #1 EN was affection. didn't know what an EN was, but i knew i craved affection. for awhile i begged and pleaded for it. then realized he would never give it to me. i decided to be content w/o affection.

i would never, ever have considered getting a D b/c of lack of affection, but now, i feel like if i am to forgive him for this most heinous thing, i should get what i want. i told him last night that if he couldn't or wouldn't give me the affection i need, we are wasting our time trying to work this out.
he said he would try to "do better". this morning, i got nothing. a good goodbye kiss, but nothing else. i truly don't know if he's capable of being as affectionate as what i need.
i guess today i'm leaning towards moving on and finding someone who can better meet my needs. i will not settle for less if i do get married again.

anyway, my feelings are subject to change, but i needed to get this out.

I am saying this in a soft low voice (in my head anyway) and I mean it as nice as possible.


YOU WILL NOT EVEN HAVE THE CHANCE TO RECOVER UNTIL HE STOPS SEEING THE OW!!!!!

You are hurt now and your H will not be in a "place" to help you or work on your M until he is done seeing/talking to OW.

I think every person that has posted to you has said the same thing. Must be true.

You can do a few things here.

A. You can plan A yourself and better you while waiting until 4-17-06 or so.

B. You can start Plan B now, but you have not been in Plan A long enough to had any real effect on him with that.

C. You can D him now, but you would be cutting your own nose off at this point.

D. You can live with no plan and hope that he will find a new job. If he doesn't change jobs you can hope this will get better or learn to live with sharing your H.

I think you need to reach up your [censored] and pull yourself together and do a good plan A for now. You will not have any of your own EN met right now. Your H head is not with you at this point it is with the feelings that the OW gives him. All false, but still his feelings at this time.

Your M is (or can be) better than some OW/slut - so why not prove it to you and let your H see the effects?

fo..your thoughts are real...it bites...but the truth is your H is self absorbed...more even than before the A...you should try to accept the fact that he will not be able to meet any of your needs, or even if he tries, he will fall short of your expectations... because it is just not possible...you are an afterthought right now. yes it hurts like the devil..we hear you on that.

someone here, I think it was SL taught me about expectations...you need to have zero expectations...so you don't build yourself up for the repeated falls that are inevitable. believe me, I lived plan A..it is harder than plan B...it is self control...self motivating...self propelling...its all about you and controlling your mind and thoughts. its about acting...not reacting.

you need to read, prepare, and trust in the MB way...it seems a bit like a cult now because it is all so new to you, but it is a language that you will need to learn, IF you chose to use this method to save your M.
NO expectations from WH until he can get past withdrawal. and marital discussion at this point is fruitless because no matter how much gets done, your H will fall prey to his alien side as long as OW is in the picture.

did you read mr.wonderings do's and don'ts of plan A? commit it to memory, then read, read, and read some more... keep posting. it will get easier.

(((((fo)))))

FO,

Maybe I missed it somewhere, but did your husband put in his notice at work? Is there still a plan in place for him to no longer be working with OW in the near future?

And of course, to echo everyone else's sentiments...

You can't expect nuttin' from the guy as long as he still is anywhere around her.

Don't throw in the towel just yet. If he is really going to leave his job, wait until that happens and then you have a shot.

Mom

Yes, MOM his last day is supposed to be 4/17, he will give his notice on 4/3.
it just seems like a lifetime away.

the OW and her H will be signing all of their divorce papers by this friday - it will be final in 60 days. i guess that's got me worried.

FO,

I really would listen to M2L above and go with option A. He seems smart. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

today my WH and i were talking, and in a moment of weakness i decided i wanted it to be over.
a few hours later i got scared and said i wasn't ready to quit. we both admitted later that during the time we thought it was over, we both felt relieved.

has this happened to anyone else?

could it be a sign that we should just give up?

thanks!
FO

not part of the plan.

How was that helping your M?

Look, I will be honest here, like I always have.

This plan A stuff is not easy or fun. It sucks and is not even a little close to fair, buy it can be done. I ask you agian - are you up for it? When things turn to chit and you pray to God to just let you die, to end the pain. That is what you will be seeing if you choose to work on your M. The hurt, crying, the pain and then after all that you get nothing in return to fill your BL - for a while anyway.

ARE YOU READY FOR THAT???

But (always a but) in the end if it works out, it is so very much worth it. More than you know.

Your baby is counting on you.

What do you say?

ok, i am so wavering! i feel like i'm the WS!
one minute i want in, the next i want out.

but if i'm in plan A, do i tell my H i am hopeful about being able to work it out, even if i'm not?
he does ask - so is it better to lie to do plan A or to tell the truth?

thanks
FO

bump for more help here

((((((fo)))))))

ok, take a deep breath....you WILL be ok...I know your panic...I know your pain...I know your indecision.... many, if not all of us here have felt those gut wrenching feelings

you don't HAVE to know anything...you just have to believe that you want your M to have a chance...now ask yourself...is it worth it to try???? for yourself...for your child for your H...not WH...but the man that you chose to marry??? because your H is lost in a fog. You will get stronger but you will have bad days...days where you feel like it would be better to give up and move on....then you will have optimistic days where you believe that it may just work...you just may need to be ok with not having any answers right now.

#1..IMHO...you only show him belief in your M...right now with your waffling you are only confusing him more...you need to be the lighthouse...no more bearing your soul to him..he is not the caring H that you see...he is alien lifeform and crying and pleading and R talk will send him off on his spaceship. you need him in the house to plan A him. maybe get calm and tell him "H, these next few weeks are going to be difficult on both of us. I want you to know that I believe in our M. and I believe in you. If you need space, I am willing to give you that space here at home, so you can work out your feelings. I will not discuss our R and I will respect your space." somethin like that...whatever you do..try to get him to stay...tell him he can sleep on the couch...whatever it takes...but DON"T beg or plead...
you really need to get a good plan A going...have you read about plan A yet????

i guess i need to do some more reading on plan A. i have SAA but haven't gotten very far into it.

thanks for all of the advice.

FO

How are you today FO?

I have an idea. Get a nice picture of your baby and frame it. Give it to your H and say something like:

"I know you are putting in long hours at work right now and it gets hard so here is a piture of our baby to put on your desk to make your day a little brighter."

Maybe even a pic of you and the baby.

m2l...great idea about the pic...

fo...are you reading about plan A...???do you have a friend you can trust to talk to..you know, when you are coming undone...that will listen and understand?? when you are losing it, just post all of your feelings here, its like writing your H a letter...he just doesn't ever recieve it.

maybe someone could post Mr Wonderings links here for you..I am NOT that computer literate...but you can find them on the 'just found out' page me thinks!

also..try to do something good for yourself this weekend...hot bath...massage...long run...something that makes you feel good...

FO,
I haven't posted to you before but I have been where you are. This is really hard. But hang in there 1 day at a time.It took my WH about 6 months after ALL contact w/ OW stopped to come all the way around.

Its been less then a month since DD#2 for you and he still sees her everyday at work. He is conflicted and confused. This is great for plan A. But don't just plan A for him, plan A for you and take care of yourself as well. He still is not capable of meeting your needs....he is still too self absorbed and still in contact w/ OW.

Keep him close to home. With her D being final and him still in contact it is cause for concern. She will try to lure him back. Don't make it easy.

You have been getting some wonderful advice....exactly on point!! Have you read ark^^post on BE STILL? It helped me alot. I take my wedding ring off at night because my hands swell every morning when I put it on I made a decision everyday to hang in there one more day. The days add up.

I am happy to say that my H & I are closer and more connected then we have been in a very long time and it gets better everyday. He meets my needs, anticipates my needs, he is affectionate, supportive, attentive and protective of me. He allows me to do the same for him. This time last year I was sure we wouldn't make it. But I hung in there day by day.

You can do this! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

fo.....are you ok??? hows it going???

i have done exactly what yall told me not to do. i am now involved in an EA with the OWH.
i feel i have let all of you down, even though i know i don't owe any of you anything.
i'm trying to keep it in perspective. if nothing else, he gives me hope that i will meet someone else one day and i probably won't be alone for the rest of my life.

plan A is over for now. my WH is very distressed by this situation and has suddenly realized that he wants to work this out. so maybe he will plan A me, and it will work. who knows?

my WH read an email b/w the OWH and I and just got sick over it. he says now he knows how i must have felt when he confessed his A.

so i'm at a huge crossroads. OWH is leaving town thursday and i probably won't see him again for a long while.

anyway, i just wanted to let all of you know that i am not dead, i appreciate all of your encouragement and advice. i may be back one day. or maybe my WH will come here to get advice on how to end my EA.
and for the record, the OWH and i have not as much as held hands.

Ay-ay-AY!!!!!! Please stick with us. You are extremely vulnerable right now, and that is why we always warn people to be careful.

Think about your daughter. She will do better with an intact family. And yes, if you can't work things out, there will always be interested men.

I know how easy it is to have an EA. OW's husband and I were very close, calling all the time. But I made up my mind EARLY that I was going to work on my marriage, and not get involved with anyone UNLESS I was divorced.

Please stay... right now I think you need us more than ever.

I got close to OWH after I told him... basically just lots of talking. Although we did hug each other a couple of times. (friendship hugs)

I could of fell for him very easily... he had really beautiful brown eyes. He was only 33 to my 45. He also would tell me there are plenty of fish in the sea.

We have not contacted each other since early December. I see his parents and ask how he's doing and that's about it.

Still