"And you do NOT want your WW in any way, shape or form. But you likely DO want your WIFE back. Remember that the WS is not the S you fell in love with."

Well, see, this is a fundamental problem in these types of early marriage adulteries.

Just who is the W anyway?

If she will do this so early in marriage, it is likely this is in fact who she is for real.

The woman you fell in love with may have been an illusion in the first place. It is the logical explanation for this happening so early in the M.

So, try to assess who she really is. Will she get IC? Does she have FOO issues? What are her morals and ethics. What does she really, truly think of marriage as a life long covenant? What do your friends say about her? Did anyone warn you about her before you married? Examine all these back-issues of your relationship. There will be clues in there, trust me.

I can now see these clues in my courtship and engagement and early marriage. But I thought love conquers all. Ignorant blind foolish me.

Yes, I was a sap. Then.

With prayers,

Although my WW and I have only been married for 16 months, we have been together for 8 years. I don't know how much better I could of known her. We lived together for 5 years, and the other 3 we were 'basically' living together. In 8 years we hardly ever spent a night or day apart unless necessary.

I so badly want my old life back, but everyday it is becoming more aparant that it can never be, no matter what the outcome is of this.

-VS

Either your WW changed during those 8 years or you didn't know her as well as you thought. No shame, it happens to the best of us.

As painful as this all is, be thankful she has revealed her true nature to you now, before you had children together. The thing is not to compound a mistake, which is being tethered to this woman.

The tears, pain, and fear are all normal and, if you give yourself permission, will fade in time. You take it a day at a time - you can't live in the future and you can't dwell on the past - it will eat you alive.

I had to start all over again at 41. It seemed impossible at the time, but I now realize how miserable I was and how happy I am. But it was rough going for a while.

Good luck to you.

I thought the same as you.

FWW and I dated steady for 4 years before a 1 year engagement.

I saw what I wanted to see.

with prayers,

I'm trying to start over at 45. I still would love to have my H back. The ball is in his court so to speak. This has been the most difficult time of my life. It also hasn't been easy on my kids.
It really makes me hopeful to see others that have made it on the other side of this darkness.
I hope to recover my M but right now it doesn't seem very hopeful.
As the poster above I'm seeing what I want to see.

Still

I will be starting over at 46. It’s still pretty dark where I am today but when I close my eyes I can see the light and:

- I will still have the most wonderful daughter on Earth.
- I will still get to coach youth basketball.
- I will start fishing again.
- I will have my gardens to tend and expand.
- I will have large fix-up projects on the house and they will all be mine.
- I will do more writing, photography and model construction.
- I will travel more.

and

I will likely meet someone special someday who will get all the benefit of what I have so painfully learned these past few months. Plan A for life.

I think at this point all I want is a chance maybe? To show her what I can be, that I can meet her EN's like someone else is now. I kinda want to see if we can recover. I know I could, but I think the road would be too hard for WW.

For some reason I feel I am going backwards the last 2 days, getting deeper in depression, dwelling SO much and wanting to call the PI for information, but don't want to be hurt anymore. I feel sorry for her as OM does not care for her and is "just havin some fun while it lasts". Well, he has consequently ruined a relationship and a man.

Ignorance is bliss.

Vince:

Nobody can ruin you if you don't let them.

Nobody.

Victimhood is a choice. Refuse the mark!

-ol' 2long

If keeping the marriage intact is GOOD for YOU (and you will derive more pleasure than grief from your decision), then GO FOR IT...

don't question the logic, simply find JOY in the truth that recovery is what you DESIRE/NEED.

Peace to you! ~Marie

Hi VinceStrong

I agree with those who posted that it's normal to wonder if you're just wasting your time on a wayward spouse...

I also agree that it's too early for you to give up yet.

Stay Strong MAN!!!

Ironically, I came here today wondering whether there's something wrong with me that I STILL love and want my WXH back... I was also married for 25 years. (In my case, the divorce has been final for a couple of years, it wasn't his first adultery, he pretty much went all about on cruel rejection, and made zero attempts at genuine reconciliation. So even though the OW has been out of the picture for over three years now I really don't see why I have ANY hope whatsoever left! But there is a part of me that still hopes my WXH just might become the hero we want and need)

But, in YOUR case, IMHO you can and should stay STRONG!

Before I got married I used to think that when I did and if my W cheated on me I'd ditch her like a bad habit and kick the OM's can. Now that I MAY be dealing with this, there is no way I could just let her go.
She used to love me unquestionably, and I still love her that way, we had it right. She was everything that I was looking for. The kids would be devastated, we are the type of family that does everything together.
I guess I am kinda sappy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

MEDC and Owl have been discussing this at length, so I thought I would bump this back to the top.

It seems that if we take our WS's back, we are settling, knowing we are their second choice.
OR
The A was not about the OP, but about selfish needs and getting needs met by someone outside the marriage.

Discuss....

Their complacent, love-busting, failing to nuture their ENs, pre-A husband was not even their second choice, but rather just something they were willing to risk to see if they could find more happiness elsewhere. A strong, nurturing, wonderful Vince always was her first choice, IMO, she just doesn't believe that it can happen right now. It is up to you to show her it can happen.

JM...now one area I DO agree with MEDC on is that not every affair is caused by a "complacent, love-busting, failing to nurture their EN's" pre A spouse.

My wife's EA was really brought on by untreated depression more than anything else. Even SHE admits that I've always been a great husband. She realizes that her A was entirely her own fault.

The reason for the "thread bump" was this discussion that MEDC and I had on Vince's main thread...and I appreciate Vince bringing it here.

MEDC-

Owl-

I found comfort in this thread in knowing I wasn't alone in my thoughts, and I just think what a bunch of foolish WS, that went and messed up such a good thing. I can see plainly how much everyone is aching, and how much love they have for their WS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I didn't want to make decisions based on fear. I rely on my WH for this roof over my head, and payment for all the bills. It's scary to put it lightly. But I took sometime to think, if I could start my life over, right this minute... what would I do... what do I regret not doing? And I made a very light plan, on how I would take care of 3 young children, and take care of our needs. And while I do not want this "plan" to become my life, I see that I can make it work, I would survive. So I don't have fear running my life, I'm not staying because I'm afraid I'll be poor, and live at my parents for life, or any of the million other terrifying thoughts... I'm staying because I have faith, and love, and hope.

I hope you can find peace, and closure. And that all of our hearts can heal.

Owl... I'm not sure what else I can say that I didn't say on the other thread. I truly would never recommend that someone spend their life with someone that they are a second choice for. If your wife has the view she does now... clearly you were not her second choice and she was acting out in a way that was harmful to you and your family. But if push came to shove and a spouse of mine EVER picked someone over me when given the choice... it's me or him... well then... say hello to divorce court. I give my all to a partner and expect a similar return on my investment of love and time. Knowing that she would rather be with someone else would forever spoil that for me. I am all about people being given a choice in life and then living with their choices or the consequences of those choices if need be. I think some things are much more important than marriage... self respect and children come to mind right away. Surely there are too many good people out there to continue wasting effort and love on someone that does not appreciate it...does not see the value in it... and leaves it at the curb like yesterdays garbage. I think people can make mistakes and atone for them... but when it becomes the singular focus of their life and they ignore children and home as a result... willing to lose it all for the stolen moments... well, IMHO, bye bye. I was willing to forgive my ex and did so many times... but when she took things that were sacred and used them to her advantage... things like my dads funeral and the care of our son...well, she showed her worth as a person in my opinion. And while I can forgive her for what she has done in the past.... I will never put my trust or the care of my child back into her untrustworthy hands.

Okay... if you have any direct questions, I will be happy to answer them.

MEDC

yeah, medc, what's your sitch? Are you Divorced?

He's divorced and remarried (go figure).

Trust me...she was completely ready to go live with OM. On d-day, when she was confronted, he bought her plane tickets to fly away and live with him. They were for later that same week...the only reason for the delay was because they weren't sure what I was going to do, and wanted to make sure that our kids were taken care of. (She figured I'd simply take off and never be seen again or something).

That same day, I told her bluntly that if her choice was go to live with OM, she wasn't welcome to live in the house while waiting on her flight. She left that afternoon for a motel up by the airport. She stayed in that motel from Tue to Friday.

The only reason she didn't leave was because I'd gone to her motel room on the day she was supposed to leave, and sat down and talked with her. OM called while we were talking...got mad because it sounded to him like she wasn't sure...and told her not to come. And ended the affair that day, point blank. There was some contact over the next few months, but mostly initiated by her, and rebuffed by him.

I was NOT her choice at the time. She ranted and railed and cried and carried on...she was FURIOUS with me for interfering with her plans. I 'ruined her chances with the love her of her life!!!'. It was UGLY, and the most painful thing I've ever been through.

It was nearly a month before I became her choice. She had to go through the withdrawl from the affair. I pretty much nursed her through it. I didn't tolerate hostility or trash talk, but DID listen and try to work through what appeared to be real issues. I started spending time apart from her too...running, walking, working out. Thinking.

So you can see why I take the stance that I do. What I did really was a very fast/short variant of plan A...during her A, and during the withdrawl. But the BS is RARELY the WS's first choice...it's not until the affair ends and the withdrawl is finished that they tend to become that choice.

I can see why you feel the way you do. But honestly, I think that if everyone were to follow your standards and advice, there'd be a lot less recovery possible. A WS doesn't make rational, intelligent, thought out choices. Clearly...that's why the got to the point where they did in the first place. But once the fog clears, THAT'S when they can start to see who was really there for them through it all...and start to gravitate back to that person.