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WW agreed to talk with SH. She will try to tell him why it is impossible for our marriage to recover. Otherwise, she is talking about getting married to OM ASAP, although still not ready to file for divorce. I don't understand the hurry. I am sure aliens have sucked the sense out of her brain.
I'm going to go request an appt with SH..
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Age 44
Love my wife and family
WW in EA since 2/1/07 (if she's truthful)
M 12.5 yrs
2 Daughters under age 5
"Never saw it coming"
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You need to setup clear boundaries, you need to get them in front of her and your lawyer.
For instance,
1) No OP around home or kids - that means talk chat or email 2) No fighting in front of kids 3) Family in counseling 4) what you feel are boundaries for you
You have a long road to haul, not for WW but for yourself. I and the others H here have been down these paths before and just like how we talk about WS scripts and fog and they all act the same MM, Viking's advice above is great... I just came across your post to Jim, and your mention of WW in EA of only 3 weeks so I thought I'd pop on over to your thread and see if there was any advice I could give. I'm a FWW...had an EA. Yes, your wife is an alien. And yes, your wife is not going to be as good a mom as she was prior A. I can't imagine how you can be in the same house knowing she is there emailing/talking to OM. I did want to mention that as soon as my FBH found out about my EA and I said I was leaving, I was told I would be leaving with nothing, no car, no money (except what itty bitty I had) and most importantly, no kids. I checked with a lawyer and found out he could indeed keep the kids if he got an order first, at least temporarily. That was enough to shake some of the fog off and I agreed to NC. Once NC was established then I was went through withdrawal, with hubby doing a pretty good Plan A (if he knew that was actually what he was doing, I don't know!)...and pretty quickly the aliens returned my husband's wife to him and I was left wondering..."who the he)) was that person who inhabited my body??" There's no way that this new relationship is going to last. It's obviously a big built up fantasy (talking about kids already, sheesh!). I don't know but maybe that's what it would take for your WW to agree to NC? What is the reasoning for not going to a plan B yet? She seems to be having her cake and eating it too. It doesn't seem like she is going to leave the A until it becomes necessary (uncomfortable enough financially) to do so. I doubt OM is ready to leave and move in/support her yet is he? I do hope things take a turn for the better before those girls lives are turned upside down. I'm so grateful that I didn't get to that point (I have two DD's as well). Looking back, I can't imagine what I was thinking, considering taking my kids out of their house, out of their routine, to live with some man they didn't even know! Soulmate? Not for a second. There has got to be some way to throw a wrench into their A...what about that bishop family member of the OM's?? What happened there? She'll get there one day. You have 12 years of history with her. You're exhibiting incredible strength right now. One day she will appreciate it. If she does leave, make sure she's leaving with nothing, even the kids. Surest way to knock that fantasy upside the head. Keep up the good work and try to take care of yourself. Mom
Me, 43, 2 online EA's 2006 DH, 45, 2DDs, 16 & 9 Married 23 years.
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Mom...
I needed to see a post like yours today - thanks. WW and I went to lunch and she wanted to talk about dividing stuff up, etc. I told her that I didn't want to talk about that now. She did agree to a joint session wth SH.
It is really hard being in the same house. I fight the urge to blow up all the time. I was gone playing hockey for an hour and saw she was at hotmail replying to e-mails.. I didn't say anything.
We did promise not to get lawyers first, but we also promised never to have an affair. I think she would really freak out if I got an order to keep the kids, but I also don't want to play them as a pawn. Hard decision.
My reasoning for no Plan B is that I lose the ability to show her I how I feel and I most likely don't see my kids much. I'll probably talk this over with SH soon. OM has 7 kids, stay at home wife and no money. Rumored to have gambling issues (but he is over that now according to WW). So, no support from him.
She keeps threatening me that she is moving. I know she has less than $5000 cash and needs about $5000 for a lawyer.
Seems early for Plan B, but she also seems to be waiting for the finances to line up. I feel dumb letting that happen. This is uncharted territory for me and I don't want to mess it up.
As so many of you know- this is really hard.
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Age 44
Love my wife and family
WW in EA since 2/1/07 (if she's truthful)
M 12.5 yrs
2 Daughters under age 5
"Never saw it coming"
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If you can, listen to Dr. Willard Harley (SH's dad) and his wife, Joyce's radio program...see link at top right of page.
I heard him say that he usually doesn't recommend separation because it is much easier to work on a marriage while under the same roof.
Plan A as long as you can do it as SH described. If anyone moves out....it should be your WW...and without the kids.
And if she doesn't need or appreciate the Lexus....she can leave it behind if and when she moves out.
Married 1976 Me:BS Him:FWS MB Weekend March 2003 2 S's: '77 & '80, 1 D: '82
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Mike
Carrot and Stick,
Starting being a man and helping her see you as her knight, evaluate her needs and start meeting them, you will be like a bull in a china shop first but as you listen and learn what her needs are you will get better at it.
Second, develop moral and marital boundaries. Its not a LB to state that your desire is to raise the children in a home not built upon lies and adultery. You can clearly state, I will discuss marriage and when we get lawyers they will discuss assests.
Demonstate to her your serious, as your not officially separated you can do things without her consent, get the children in counseling (looks good to the courts), get your kids into the dentist, doctors office, heck even the pediatrist (sp)
NO MORE R M O talk (relationship Marriage OM) its about the family about the kids and stuff like that. You need to block the OM out of your mind, except to gather data on him.
What do you know about him? Most likely what she knows is lies.
I can tell you Plan B is impossible with Kids, but you can do a solid Plan A then modified plan B
It really sounds if you PLAN A hard and smart you will outlast the affair.
Remember words they are words to hurt you.
Remember she could be doing the counseling things to appease you for now.
Action its All actions
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Vike -
Thanks again. I have trouble staying out of RMO. I'll set that as a goal for today.
Mike
==================================
Age 44
Love my wife and family
WW in EA since 2/1/07 (if she's truthful)
M 12.5 yrs
2 Daughters under age 5
"Never saw it coming"
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Demand some respect.
State your boundry -- that she conduct her affair outside of YOUR home. No phone calls, no e-mails to her affair partner from YOUR home. And if she refuses, she should leave.
And your power is in what Mom said above. She leaves alone with nothing.
Focus on being DAD. You are the only decent parent those girls have right now. Your WW is not capable of being a good mother right now. You must be the primary custodial parent. Get square on that. You will not be a weekend dad. She will be the weekend visitor. That should be her reality.
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We both have a session with SH tomorrow morning at 8:00.
From phone records it looks like every time I leave the house, she is on the phone with him. That means she is not paying attention to the kids. I am going to continue to document that... I was trying to call her to locate the pillow and stuffed animal for my girl to take her nap at daycare, but she wouldn't answer. Claimed she had phone ringer shut off. Obviously that was a lie and was talking to OM. SH was thinking of forcing her to move out because he knows this stuff is killing me inside.
My doctor perscribed a low dose anti depressent. I am not too keen on it, but, as many of you know, the emotional pain is so bad that I am willing to try it. If anyone has any experience or opinion with these things I' like to hear it. I just want to get through the next 3 to 5 months.. A friend has been on them for a couple years after debating for a long time. Says he recommends this for my situation 100%.
Trying for a good plan A day, a good session with SH tomorrow and then I suppose some big decisions later in the week (should she stay or go). Maybe I will get a chance to ask SH, but probably not the right subject on that call.
==================================
Age 44
Love my wife and family
WW in EA since 2/1/07 (if she's truthful)
M 12.5 yrs
2 Daughters under age 5
"Never saw it coming"
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Just saw that they now have started texting. 23 messages in the middle of the night last night. I wonder if the courts would consider this, plus the 2 hours on the phone with him yeaterday while she was watching the kids, as proof she is not spending time with kids. I have a log of time I spend.
Sometimes I wonder if it is good for me to spend so much time on documenting. It depresses me.
==================================
Age 44
Love my wife and family
WW in EA since 2/1/07 (if she's truthful)
M 12.5 yrs
2 Daughters under age 5
"Never saw it coming"
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Demand some respect.
State your boundry -- that she conduct her affair outside of YOUR home. No phone calls, no e-mails to her affair partner from YOUR home. And if she refuses, she should leave.
And your power is in what Mom said above. She leaves alone with nothing.
Focus on being DAD. You are the only decent parent those girls have right now. Your WW is not capable of being a good mother right now. You must be the primary custodial parent. Get square on that. You will not be a weekend dad. She will be the weekend visitor. That should be her reality. DITTO! I don't understand why it is not acceptable to make these demands. Mike, do not let her leave with those kids. It is not only a good way to help snap your wife out of the fog, it is also the RIGHT THING TO DO FOR THE KIDS. They should not be uprooted out of their secure environment to someplace new and watch their mom and OM do whatever it is they will do once she's out. You are not using them as pawns, you are protecting them. I know others have a different perspective, but I don't think she is going to stop the affair until she HAS to or is FORCED to (i.e., potential loss of kids, financial support, etc.). I don't see any good reason to just sit back and allow her to continue the affair until it dies a natural death. Remember, I'm a FWW saying this. She should not be emailing/calling, etc. from home. I would disconnect the phone and shut off internet access if I had to. Block numbers or install passwords, something...That is not acceptable in your own home! Why is it ok to let her cake eat? I don't understand. I'm not saying you become a mean dictator, you still can Plan A her to death in every other aspect... Truthfully, I don't think she'll leave if she knows she goes with no kids, no car, nothing. I DIDN'T! And now my kids are happy and thankfully were protected from my insanity... On another note, do not feel bad at all about taking AD's. You need all the strength you can get at this time. Your most important priority is to be strong enough to save your family. I am on them, and they have been a lifesaver. If I pull up a post and see you have let her leave with those kids, I swear I will scream at my monitor! Did I mention I agree with Lexxxy 100%? Mom
Me, 43, 2 online EA's 2006 DH, 45, 2DDs, 16 & 9 Married 23 years.
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Sometimes I wonder if it is good for me to spend so much time on documenting. It depresses me. Yes it is depressing. This whole thing is depressing. But it is necessary. You need to keep doing it. You need to do whatever it takes to keep those kids in their own home and not with mom and an OM. I know it is probably tempting to give up. But you can do it. This won't last forever. And you will have the satisfaction and pride of knowing that you did absolutely everything that was in the best interests of your family, and even your wife, though she doesn't even know it.
Me, 43, 2 online EA's 2006 DH, 45, 2DDs, 16 & 9 Married 23 years.
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Mike get your kids into counseling.
Remember one important thing, there is not separation agreement so your both entitled to 100% of your kids.
Get them into a counselor ASAP, ask the counselor to recommend a course of action, if you remove the kids from the environment... Talk to your work explain that you need some emergency time off.... setup a safe house for you and the kids.
Plan Plan Plan.... Then you ask SH if she isn't willing to move out that you and the kids move out to protect them.
Oh my Gosh she will go bullistic, she will get anger she will call the law on you, your not separated so as long as you don't leave the state line you can't be charged with parental kidnapping. Immediate setup a visitation schedule for her to see the kids at say chucky cheese or somewhere's public, or minminal with a witness present at all times.
Do not deny her access to visit the kids, but protect them from her adultery.
Ask her to leave the home and you and the kids move back in, but don't leave the kids with her.
You need to be a lighthouse, for your girls. They are aware of this, they are aware of all of this.....
When you said they were already planning kids, could they have been talking about your kids? WW tend to like to replace husbands with OM's he can become their father etc.
You CAN not let this get to you, you have to stay in control all the time.
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Start documenting crying spells or change in behavior in the children, immediate start a custody journal and photo album. So if you end up in court you can use that the refresh your memory for the judge.... interesting thing I found out in my court hearing, I couldn't directly introduce my photo album so the judge could see, so my lawyer asked me was there something that would help me refresh my memory and I said yes a photo album and journal, he was able to introduce it that way. Judge saw it and the pictures - judge got upset at WW.
So remember you have to plan A to recover and plan A to protect. You don't know what your WW is going to do, its her choice to leave. Its your choice to fight for your marriage.
At the end of the day its about choices both of you are going to have to make.... In 10 years will people look at you and say you made the right choice?
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This is a scary day now that we are talking about the kids in this whole thing. It took on a whole new level of reality, which sucks. I know I can't keep going on with the A happening in my face, so some action is needed. Plan for now is to have the two of us meet with SH tomorrow. Execute a good Plan A today, tomorrow. We also have an appointment with another counselor on Wednesday. Hardest decisions are right around the corner. No wonder I literally feel like I am going to puke. I've lost 14 pounds since Feb 3.. Not that I couldn't use to lose weight, but 14 pounds is a good loss for 3 months, not 3 weeks. I am trying to take care of myself there. But, today is not going to be a good day for eating.
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Hang in there Mike. You can do this.
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33 2 kids DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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Mike -- you can do it.
But with a woman like your WW, you do not want to do a very long Plan A. She will come to respect the strong stand you take for your daughters. And secretly she will respect her for not taking her $*($ anymore.
She knows she deserves to get kicked out of the house. But she's not prepared for it. And she's talking about fantasy land but has actually done nothing to make it possible.
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Thanks for the encouragement. I have a new column to add to my childcare log - "behavior issues" - thanks Vike.
==================================
Age 44
Love my wife and family
WW in EA since 2/1/07 (if she's truthful)
M 12.5 yrs
2 Daughters under age 5
"Never saw it coming"
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Mike -- you can do it.
But with a woman like your WW, you do not want to do a very long Plan A. She will come to respect the strong stand you take for your daughters. And secretly she will respect her for not taking her $*($ anymore.
She knows she deserves to get kicked out of the house. But she's not prepared for it. And she's talking about fantasy land but has actually done nothing to make it possible. YES LEXXXY...!!! How do you know so much? You are right on with every word you said, the whole respect thing...yes, you get it. That was me to a "T." Mike, you're doing a good job. No matter how it turns out, you won't regret what you are doing now. You are doing everything possible to safeguard the kids and hopefully, save WW from herself... My FBH sometimes reads my posts here, so DH, if you're reading, and have any advice for Mike here, lay it on him. He's going where you've been. You were my lighthouse, thank God! Hang in there Mike, we are all rooting for you and those girls. Mom
Me, 43, 2 online EA's 2006 DH, 45, 2DDs, 16 & 9 Married 23 years.
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lol Mom...
Hey Mike -- just to share a story about the cesspool your wife works at. I worked there several years ago.
The head of HR was having an affair with the Senior VP of my area. So I know you're not getting much help from the management.
And I know of many sexual harassment suits and very ugly behavior amongst the staff. YEWWWWWWWW!!!!
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Can you believe their number one core value is "We apply the highest ethical standards to everything we do". What a bunch of cr*p. Never even acknowleged I called.
That head of HR is now gone
==================================
Age 44
Love my wife and family
WW in EA since 2/1/07 (if she's truthful)
M 12.5 yrs
2 Daughters under age 5
"Never saw it coming"
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