Do you plan to keep your kids if WW moves out? Are you willing to protect your kids?

That is the question I am struggling with.. She hasn't filed for D and is only in this relationship for 26 days. So, if she moves out soon, yes I will insist on keeping them. If a D is far along, then I don't know what I will do.

"Start documenting crying spells or change in behavior in the children, immediate start a custody journal and photo album."

This is the best practical advice in your thread, MM. Document, document, document. Hope for the best and plan for the worst.

This is going to get worse before it gets better. I strongly suggest you see a lawyer to get up to speed on custody intervention options. Quietly. No need to use it as ammunition. You just need to know what you will have to do if/when it all goes South.

Something else to consider, MM:

"...she says I am the best of the 19 men she has had, but that is not important."

19? 19????


Do you know who she really deep down is, MM? You better start believing this is damn important. I see you going through this again, even after this one blows over.

I bet you a dollar it isn't even the only one. It's just one you found out about.

She had 18 men in 10 years. Went to a wild college and most of those were in a 4 year period. I have also slept with the same number of women. I really know her after 13 1/2 years and I am sure this is the first EA. I beleive her when she says it is not a PA. If I didn't, I would not be trying to save anything. This is definately one worth saving. I do agree that if I don't meet her EN's then this will happen again. That fear is why she doesn't want to work on it - she is afraid I am tricking her. She is also in a fog

Does this mean you are accepting my wager? LOL.

"I do agree that if I don't meet her EN's then this will happen again. That fear is why she doesn't want to work on it - she is afraid I am tricking her."

OK, I strongly suggest you call the MB counseling center. Talk to them about EN's and affairs. Take the ENQ with her. If this is the sum total of all of it, and I don't buy that BTW, they will tell you what your best approach is.


"She is also in a fog."

There is BS fog too. Be careful. Be very careful. Get a plan together, MB methods work (especially in breaking up the affair) if followed, and stick to it.

And I say again: document, document, document - and quietly see an attorney asap!

With prayers,

Mike;
Believe NOTHING that she says.
I feel so sad when I see the words "she says its not PA, and I believe her...."
I find it absolutely unbelieveable that she would destroy a 13 year marriage with 2 little girls over a few weeks fantasy.

Be prepared to learn this has been going on longer, and is more far reaching than you know now.

PS: I suggest 2long hold the bet for us, but we should be prepared he will spend it on beer.

I checked phone records. No calls until the date the EA was official. Then hours of calls a day. It is possible she was that sneaky, but I really don't think so. I feel I really know her. We were super close for about 8 years.

I have racked my brain over this for weeks. I can't believe she would trash the marriage over a 3 week fantasy, although she has known him for over a year. I've check everything I can. She could be doing him during the work day, but I don't really think so. I don't want to go into all of the reasons why I don't see this as a PA, but I believe that to be true at this moment. My plan is to trust somewhat but verify. Maybe it will burn me later - I don't know.

WW just called. My 4 yr old (Is that a DD4?) was talking about us arguing and she said, "I thought you guys were going to break up. I cry when I think of that". WW said we need to stop yelling and I said the only time I yell is when she is communicating with him. She thought we need to do something soon. I said if this is really only a few weeks old, it is too soon for the girls to go anywhere. Maybe I shouldn't have tipped my hand.

So, I think a Plan A day is going to be really hard.

mike get on vitamins, drink a slimfast, it has nutrietents.

One big thing I found in my WW and it affected me to is if you loose B12 you loose a lot of mental power, and mental power is your strength.

Do you feel that you WW feels she has the upper hand on you?
Is her self entitlement just ooozzing out of her pores?
Does she look at you with didain.

The only way to counter this is to smile and know your on the right path. After all this, months down the road she will be stuck where she is at, living a lie.

You will be a better man and father.

So know this your a great man

Vike -

Just spent a few minutes thinking about your post. You are right:

I am on the right path. I am doing something very difficult for the better of my family. The easy way out is to give in and bail on my family. If I did that I would have a lifetime of regret. THAT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!

Now I am ready for her to come homw. I will smile and ask her what I can make her for dinner.

I am also taking some of your other advice - I think I am not going to touch alcohol for a while. I'm not a drunk, but I need to have a clear head. I'm off to take a vitamin.

Thanks - you are really helping me a lot

WW came home. Really snapping at me. Said she is sick of my rules. She can't beleive I won't just get over it and accept that she is going to talk to him while she is in our house. I said I won't get used to that. I told her that I don't see why the kids go with her. She said that was just another example of me controlling her and she won't live that way. I had to agree with her that she probably needs to go, but I said I think the courts need to decide where the kids go. Boy is she mad. Putting the 4 year old to bed.. I am going to try to not discuss it anymore tonight. I still hope she meets with SH tomorrow.

yeah just keep it on the down low.

I would not engage her for your own benefit, observe and monitor. If you can stay up cleaning or watching tv or moving through the house as if your doing something, she will be on pins and needles wondering if your listening or monitoring, by the way you need a voice activated record and get some of this on tape...

Gather data but don't dwell on it.

Make sure your clearing your browser history so she doesn't find out about MB.

Learn reverse babble, it will be your weapon.

Besides remember you have the choice to walk away, your still very young at this and you can only take so much, you will learn these are words they are meant to hurt you, every word coming out of the aliens mouth is venom.

Now this helped me imagine when your WW talks to you that her head has been replaced by a trouts heading and you see a trout head no a womans body just flapping a way blah blah blah.

But also remember you still need to learn to listen, you will always get a nugget out of her, something new, a new EN an better understanding.

Good Luck

We didn't talk that much (maye 15 minutes- enough I suppose) after the kids were in bed. What she did say was meant to hurt me (as predicted). I didn't react much - which she saw as some sort of superiority thing. She feels she is taking the high road because she is seeking happiness. She also said she knows how Christians feel when they are re-born - I kinds doubt an A givs you that. Mostly she spent her time looking for apartments online. She is also getting a lawyer tomorrow. For some reason, I slept pretty well. She still is going to meet with SH today.

I guess today starts a new chapter in all of this.

Hey Mike --
Glad you were able to stay calm.
She will try to provoke you to anger. So that you can share the blame of the breakup.
She will also use anger to manipulate you. So the more you are able to control your emotions and not react to her the better! It takes another tool away from her.

Its very common for her to try to deflect her bad behavior into something about you. Controlling her? Thats laughable. If you could control her, don't you think you would be stopping her affair???? HAHAHAHA.

She needs to leave. Girls stay in their home with you. Let her abandon them. It will work in your favor for more than just custody. That action will weigh on her.

I'd bet anything that she won't be able to do it. When it comes to the point of her having to leave her girls behind, she won't have the courage of her convictions to do it.
She won't want to be viewed by the world as a BAD MOTHER.
So that is why it is critical that you make her leave ALONE.
No shared custody, no her taking the girls.

Also -- its a very common tactic for a WW to offer 50/50 custody. Most BH jump at it, because they think its the best they could ever get. WRONG.

She will offer it to you because it accomplishes several things for her:
Gets you off her back.
Appearance of AMICABLE divorce.
She still looks like a caring Mother.
Gives her 50% of her free time to pursue her affair.

Reality is: she is not even a good 50% mother. Her position is tenuous at best, and it is EXTREMELY likely you could get full custody. It is quite likely that the affair holds so much power over her that she will let you have them.

Cut off the phone and home internet. You don't have to take this in your own house. Make this A hard for her.

Have you contacted anyone from the OM side - father, mother? Anyone who can help put pressure on him. Its a long shot, but you don't want to leave any stone unturned.

Lexxy is dead on Mike. This woman in no way, shape or form is suited for custody of your children. A woman that would leave her family for a R of 26 days is out of her mind or so entitled that she is selfish beyond belief. Either of these does not a good parent make.

did you have your coaching session yet??
it was a joint session? or your WW only?

Just got done with a joint session. WW says that everything SH says makes sense, but.... SH did a great job, but not sure how serious she will listen to him. She did very reluctantly agree to another session and filling out the ENQ. I am not sure if she will follow through. She is generally "conflict avoidant" so she may have only said that to end the call. SH also asked her to wait a week b4 moving out and getting a lawyer. On the phone she agreed, but at the car she said she is calling a lawyer today - she said she doesn't see much point in delaying the inevitable. She is sick of it being "just one more week" every week - I did remind her that this has been only going on for 3 weeks. No reponse to that. Then she said that if she contiues on this path with SH she will regret giving up what she has with OM. I said nothing.

I suppose I should probably contact a lawyer and get an appointment scheduled. I'll see if she will fill out the ENQ.

Lexxxy

She wont leave her kids behind... I don't want to play them in this and I feel that it will get super ugly, super fast if I step in the way. I am going to be 100% honest - if we get a divorce, she should have custody. Why? Because I know me and I know her and I know them. I would only go for custody if I 100% felt they would be better with me. Can't say that. I am not going to lie about this. So, not sure what to do... Still thinking about it.