Bella, I wouldn't suggest bringing up the OW anymore, but you should discuss your pain with him. That is part of radical honesty. Don't lovebust, but discuss it with him.

Don't attack the OW, it will cause him to DEFEND her, as Kayla suggested. He will eventually come to be disgusted all on his own.

JustLetGo, as far as "letting go," that won't be happening until Bella is recovered. It is unrealistic to tell someone to "just let go" before they are recovered. That is not how recovery happens. That takes much longer than a mere year for most. You can't just "get over" such a traumatic shock. This is a traumatic as a rape or the death of a child, one does not just "get over it."

Keep coming here and talking to us, Bella.

Well, my FWH just walked into the room and I had OW's site minimized on my computer, but I didn't show him. I'm thinking maybe somehow I can get an address from her site and send the NC letter and be done with that part once and for all (don't know if that's possible, but hopeful). MY DD20 who has been so supportive might know how to get info from the site. I still don't know what to do.

Bella,

Think about what you posted here. Perhaps they have changed their numbers, moved, become unlisted, etc so that NC can remain intact. Isn't that one of the first things suggested after an A is discovered? There is a reason you can't get their information.

I know, and I guess it's my fault for waiting so long to get the NC letter sent, but there were only a few days between my FWH writing the letter and us moving across the country. And I know I've waited too long and shouldn't have expected them to be at the same address. I guess my timing stinks.

???

Well I'm going to try to get some sleep (been awake since Friday morning). I've been sick the past few days and hopefully I'm just so exhausted now I'll drift right off. Maybe after catching some zzzs I'll be able to think more clearly. I really just want to be happy again.

before I go to sleep, I'll respond to JLG. I really have made progress. I was so devastated at day 1, and still at day 30, day 60, etc. I know I've made progress, with a few setbacks here and there, but I'm still trying everyday. Now I'm going to sleep.

dream happy

Bella:

You need to be talking to your Husband, not tracking down the OW.

My BS would love to hand grenade the OW's house. But she won't.

ANd there are many issues you have not addressed with your WH.

That is why you are sighing and other actions when you trigger with your FWH. These are times that a discussion should be occuring, because it starts to minimize the triggers and build intimacy with your H.

The OW MySpace page may not have been updated for two years. And your H may not know of its existence. But alerting him to it, may not result in intended effect. Think that thru before doing it, ok?

Track down the OW H and let him know of OW's activities on the internet? Sure, why not. And you can get that NC letter delivered. But I would really concentrate on you and your H's relationship.

Because you will see the greatest growth from the effort expended on that.

Mel pointed out that you do not want the WH "defending" the OW. You may perceive that the OW just poached your H. I would like to think that that is what happened in my case. It isn't. It isn't in your H's case either. I didn't realize the road I was on until it got to deep. And when I realized it, I didn't turn around. My choice. Just like your H. But if you discuss with your H the reasons he went past those signposts, you can get to a better place in your M with your H. And find out what it is that he needs, and that OW provided to allow him to ignore the signs.

Your desire to pursue OW now, and to prove to your WH, "See, it wans't your fault" indicates to me that much work needs to be done in recovery. And focusing on OW is preventing some of it.

Just my .02

R u both reaady to find closure? Want to know how?

L.

No, its not like she is at Day 1 at all. She is right where she is supposed to be. It takes 18 months to 24 months to get through this. One does not just get over it.

Have you ever been through this yourself?