Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 45 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 44 45
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
I have hidden out for the most part. I have spoken to a couple of people that know and told them how sorry I am and how I hope that I can somehow repair the damage I've done to this M. A post-nup is a great idea though! I hadn't thought of that.

I want to schedule an appt with the Harleys for tomorrow, but he just informed me that he may not come home tonight. This is getting out of hand and I just don't know what to do!


Last edited by time_for_change; 03/08/07 08:34 AM.

Happily Recovered from Double Infidelity! \:\)
DD1[about to turn 7]
DD2[due at X-mas]
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
Anyone have ideas on getting him to come home tonight?


Happily Recovered from Double Infidelity! \:\)
DD1[about to turn 7]
DD2[due at X-mas]
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 936
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 936
First, before I forget.. you cant "make" him come home.
you can only make it comfortable and desirable for him to do so.
[eg: look back on what he has said his ENs are, or take your best guess at what they are, and try to do your utmost to somehow make him an "offer he cant refuse" for the evening <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. not a "deal", where he has to do something in return. just offer him something(s) you can do/say/... for him at home, that wouldnt be possible elsewhere]



now...

Quote
He said to me that he feels that he will be more of a man by leaving. What I wanted to say to him is that it takes more of a man to face his problems head on, rather than run away. I figured that would come out wrong though, so I bit my tongue

probably for the best!

speaking as a man, I will tell you, that before I started reading here, I was of the opinion that a marriage, once hacked away by infidelity, could never be salvaged into a true marriage again.

My guess is that is what you are up against.
He probably believes that you are untrustworthy, and he can never trust you again, PLUS he feels there should be some kind of consequences for your betrayal of him.

the very LAST thing you should ever want to do, is tell him something like, "A real man would fight for his marriage".

i think that you need to be consistent and unwavering, in showing that

1. you never ever want to do this to him again
2. you deeply regret the hurt that you caused to him
3. other people have overcome the horrible scars of adultery..and though it would take time, and effort... it can be done, and result in an even better marriage than you have had before.
4. you still love him.
(but go easy on this one, because he's not going to believe it at first. saying it too frequently, will make him filter it out from then on.)

you MIGHT suggest that he start talking to people who have had actual experience with this sort of thing, rather than random bystanders.

most of all, I think he needs to know within himself, that things can be good again between you. But you cant just armwrestle him into agreement on that. you have to show him facts,and let him think about them on his own time.

Last edited by techie; 03/08/07 01:05 PM.

ME: H, 35, married 9 years. 3 young sons W:32, series of online "friendships" 1st D-day: some time 2004 (online EA) OM broke off, NC june 2005, but no recovery plan 2nd D-day: june 20th, 2006("ILY" to "friend"). W moved out next day. Oct 2006, starts being around a 3rd guy instead. Mar 2007, stopped? Current status: Separated. W filed D. in July 2006, served Dec 11th, my response filed Jan 8th Most recent thread
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
I knew it was right to bite my tongue on that one! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am definitely doing those things. I think I mentioned before, but maybe not, that he asked me to quit saying "I love you". Although I occasionally slip and say it, it has been more important to SHOW that I love him by my actions. He has commented on what a good person I have become through IC and sees that I am committed to keeping up the self-improvements. He has agreed to MC with the Harleys, but won't commit to a time/date. I get that he feels the need to punish me and that what I did hurt in many ways. But I feel like though he says things like "I'm questioning whether leaving is the right decision" and agreeing to MC, his actions are saying otherwise.

I can't stop fighting for this M ... as long as we're still living together (and probably after) I will keep up my fight for reconciliation. I just feel like I am doing everything and still hitting a brick wall.


Happily Recovered from Double Infidelity! \:\)
DD1[about to turn 7]
DD2[due at X-mas]
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
We just had a nice lunch together ... no talk of the A, D, or R. It was just a nice, pleasant lunch and then we ran an errand together. I still think he'll choose not to come home tonight though. I suppose I shouldn't ask him to, but I really want to. Ultimately it is his decision.

Any ideas on getting him to commit to a date/time for MC???


Happily Recovered from Double Infidelity! \:\)
DD1[about to turn 7]
DD2[due at X-mas]
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 72
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 72
What would happen if you just made the appt? Say honey we have an appt at 10:00 on tuesday. If my ws had done this it would have shown me that he was really interested in making a go at trying. Just me here but I really resent that I am the BS and I am the person who still has to make the appts and coordinate.

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
I thought about that, but then wondered "what if he just doesn't come home?" Since he's been making a habit of that lately, I don't know when I can schedule something and count on him being there.


Happily Recovered from Double Infidelity! \:\)
DD1[about to turn 7]
DD2[due at X-mas]
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 72
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 72
I dont think you can depend on him to make it. If he doesnt show, use the time for yourself and get some good advice on how to deal with this.

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
Well, you all are right. I can't "make" him come home, and he certainly doesn't feel the need to. He stayed out again last night, even though I asked him to please come home. We have MC with the Harleys next week. I just wish he saw how destructive his behavior is! He says he wants us to be amicable, but then does this sort of thing ... makes it difficult to be nice, but I still am.


Happily Recovered from Double Infidelity! \:\)
DD1[about to turn 7]
DD2[due at X-mas]
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
I don't want to end my M, but he is not showing any signs of trying to work anything out. He gives signals that he wants to stay sometimes, then pulls these disappearing acts. Then, last night a girl called my cell phone for him! It seemed intentional.

If I wasn't busting my a** to repair this M, I wouldn't be so bold. But I am ... I have done SOOOOOO MUCH to show that I love and him and am willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to repair/rebuild. He just keeps being destructive to the M and the family.

So ...
Question of the day: Do I stay in Plan A (funny I'm plan A-ing and I'm the FWW), or move to Plan B???


Happily Recovered from Double Infidelity! \:\)
DD1[about to turn 7]
DD2[due at X-mas]
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 326
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 326
How long have you been in Plan A? (Sorry if I didn't read enough to catch that)

After 4 months of an emotional BEATING, I decided to go to Plan B. My Plan A was short, but noticeable and effective. My WW and I were separated, which was also another factor.

Here was the mental checklist I went through to decide if I wanted to go to Plan B:
1. If I continue doing this, will I hate / not love my wife TOMORROW?
2. Am I detached and ready for COMPLETE DARKNESS from my WW, and willing to maintain NC with her?
3. Would I describe the situation as "My WW is vacillating between choosing OM or me?"
4. Have I clearly communicated my boundaries, loud enough, long enough, that WW knows them clearly and it will go without saying that when Plan B comes...she will know why?
5. Do I feel that my dignity is so important to me that I will retain it no matter what? If my W comes back and I can have her too, great. If not, I will have my dignity and I can live with that.

Those are some of the things that went through my head in the days leading up to Plan B. If you can apply those and answer yes to all of them, then I'd certainly take a look at exploring Plan B.

I found that when the time came to go to Plan B, I KNEW it was time. Much like when my gut instinct told me my WW was cheating, I KNEW she was. I was right on both counts.


BS (Me) - 33 WW - 31 Married 14 years, together 17 Daughter: 16 yrs old Separated: 12/29/06 D-Day: 2/2/07, EA/PA With Co-Worker Plan B Started: 3/6/07 D filed by WW: 4/18/07 Olive Branch offered (Plan B resumed after): 8/8/07 R Attempt by WW: 9/1/07 NC Established: 9/4/07 NC Broken: 9/5/07, 9/6/07 Status: Plan B, Pt. II (9/10/07)
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
I am so confused ... I don't know that I can answer those questions with a resounding "yes" so I should prob stay in Plan A. I guess all I'm going on is that I don't know how much more of this I can take. I am completely willing to do anything to save our M. He says he wants out, then he says he doesn't know, then he doesn't come home, etc. I realize that a roller coaster ride is part of recovery, but I am beginning to feel like our roller coaster has derailed!


Happily Recovered from Double Infidelity! \:\)
DD1[about to turn 7]
DD2[due at X-mas]
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 326
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 326
Then stay in Plan A today - give some space, be still, and be patient.


BS (Me) - 33 WW - 31 Married 14 years, together 17 Daughter: 16 yrs old Separated: 12/29/06 D-Day: 2/2/07, EA/PA With Co-Worker Plan B Started: 3/6/07 D filed by WW: 4/18/07 Olive Branch offered (Plan B resumed after): 8/8/07 R Attempt by WW: 9/1/07 NC Established: 9/4/07 NC Broken: 9/5/07, 9/6/07 Status: Plan B, Pt. II (9/10/07)
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
He has committed to our MC session with the Harleys on Tues. THANK GOD! I am praying that they can help up out with all this mess and provide some direction/guidance.


Happily Recovered from Double Infidelity! \:\)
DD1[about to turn 7]
DD2[due at X-mas]
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
Well, he surprised us this morning! He came home from out of town around 9:30 am! This was quite a surprise ... he was supposed to be home in the afternoon long enough to shower & change clothes before heading back out. Instead, DD & I got about 1/2 a day with him! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It was nice, except the one moment where he felt the need to reiterate the fact that he is going out with friends on our anniversary. He really went into it saying things like: "you didn't really expect us to celebrate our anniversary did you?" It was hurtful, but I am trying to understand his feelings.

I keep wondering something ... if he really wanted to leave me and get a D, wouldn't he be gone already? Or am I reading WAY too much into us still living together (and sleeping together)?

Last edited by time_for_change; 03/10/07 06:55 PM.

Happily Recovered from Double Infidelity! \:\)
DD1[about to turn 7]
DD2[due at X-mas]
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
(bumping - hopeful for advice tonight)


Happily Recovered from Double Infidelity! \:\)
DD1[about to turn 7]
DD2[due at X-mas]
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
I wouldn't even think about going into Plan B.

Continue doing what you are doing, being a good wife, mother, making the house a warm and welcoming place, cooking what he likes, etc.

Are you working outside of the home?

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
yes, 4 days a week and he travels A LOT!


Happily Recovered from Double Infidelity! \:\)
DD1[about to turn 7]
DD2[due at X-mas]
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
Well, you are going to have to do something to take care of, nourish and meet the needs of YOU!

Your husband is angry and hurt, and I understand that. But it sounds like your love bank wasn't all that full BEFORE all this started.

I really hope the Harley's can talk some sense into him.

In the meantime, do what you are doing, and please take some time for yourself. Do you have some friends to spend some time with?

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
My best friend just moved away, but we talk daily. I have other friends, but most of my friends were OUR friends, and now they all know about the A ... it makes me uncomfortable. I have sort of secluded myself since DDay. I mentioned to him today that it is really hard to be going through this with not much time for myself. I would give anything to have the time for a weekly yoga class! He doesn't tell me what he's doing until the last minute, so I never know if I'll need a babysitter. Besides that, I would like for us to spend some time together! He says I am asking A LOT of him to "date" me ...

You are right! I was actually just filling out the EN questionnaire and my needs were really not being met! And now they really aren't! I am at a loss!


Happily Recovered from Double Infidelity! \:\)
DD1[about to turn 7]
DD2[due at X-mas]
Page 5 of 45 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 44 45

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 920 guests, and 64 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Reyna98, Nofoguy, Ingrid Guerci, Wifey02, forevermemorable
71,822 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5