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He was cold and distant just now. He said (on his own) that he was trying not to distance himself. I told him he was being great with DD (not great, but better than usual) but had made it obvious over the last 2 days that he had no interest in talking to me. He said he was sorry and didn't mean to, that he would call me later to talk. I said "you are always welcome to call if you want to, but if you don't feel like it you don't have to". I am thinking of Plan B. Problem is he won't move out! I am thinking about going on to the beach a day early (the day he was supposed to be with us)- is this wrong?

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Still hasn't called ... thinking about Plan B. But how do I get him to move out? I have to keep DD's best interests at heart, so us moving right now would be way too hard on her. I decided it would be mean to take her out of town without him getting an opportunity to see her first.

You know, I never wanted to lose my H, I just wanted his attention. What I did was wrong. I still want to try to work this out, but I don't think he does. His actions speak louder than his words, and I think he's done.

Last edited by time_for_change; 03/24/07 07:27 PM.
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DD called to tell him g'nite - he actually answered the phone! After they were done, he asked to speak to me. He apologized for not calling - said he was working the whole drive. I told him (in a sticky sweet voice) "don't worry about it - i said to call if you wanted to talk. you didn't want to talk. its really no big deal. hope you have a good night!" He went on to say he really was working, I told him not to worry about it. I was super-nice, and just got off the phone with him. He sounded stunned. I just read the post about how if the WS can't hurt you, the A can end ... let's hope that happens before I am as checked out of this M as he is.

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good morning, you know better than anyone bc you know him. i think he is just confused. i doubt he ever thought he would be in this situation and now he doesnt know what to do and he is taking his time to decide whats best for him. i think he is struggling with staying as well as leaving.

ask your lawyer how to get him to move out


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In the mail yesterday, I received a book from a friend of mine who's marriage has suffered numerous As. The book is "The Power of a Praying Wife". I think this fits into my idea of letting go and letting God. I am going to try it before moving to plan B. Every time I think of giving up, something comes my way to encourage me to hang on a little longer.

And, yes - he is clearly confused! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Last edited by time_for_change; 03/25/07 10:41 AM.
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While I am trying this out ... do I let him know that I know about his A, and ask him to leave? Or do I deal with it in silence while trying to win back my H?

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Well, I guess I don't have to tell him I know ... I just sort of caught him. I called on my way to the grocery store to see if he wanted anything. His phone picked up and I heard this ...

WH: "Uh oh, that's not good. That was the wifey calling."
OW#2: "Oh no - that's no good"
ME (on the other end): "Uh. I can hear you!"
WH (stuttering): "Uh yeah - I dropped my phone. Sorry."
ME: "Who was that?"
WH: (still stuttering): "Oh. Just a group of us out"
ME: "Nevermind. Talk to you later." (Hangs up)

Then he has to text message me back!?! I told him if he wanted to talk I was sure his phone dials out. Then he called. I told him it was obvious that he didn't want me to hear what was going on and to think about what I heard on my end of the phone. He told me that what I was insinuating was ridiculous. I informed him that I wasn't insinuating anything, that I was simply asking for an explanation and for him to understand what I heard. Then I asked why he was being so defensive? He said he would just call later. I said "Yeah - you do that. You call when you want to, or you have a second. Don't think I don't know." I hung up. (MAJOR LBs, I know.)

It took him a few minutes, but he responded with a text message saying "Nice. What do you think you know?"

I haven't responded yet ...

Last edited by time_for_change; 03/25/07 04:38 PM.
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I know its Sunday, but can anyone offer some advice to help calm me down???

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When I am really, really upset, I go for a long walk, weather permitting.


"You won't ever regret doing the right thing! Nobody ever does!" ~ Heartsore
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Thank you ... I am about to cook dinner then DD and I will go for a walk. But after she goes to bed, I'll have to find something to take my mind off it.

Do I just not talk to him for a few days? Do I go into Plan B? Can I even continue Plan A at this point?

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He called to apologize ... realized he didn't think about things from my perspective, but still felt I was out of line. I apologized for overreacting and we ended up talking for a bit. Basically, he hasn't taken the time to deal with things or think about whether or not he wants to be M anymore. He feels sorry for me, sees I've changed and how bad I feel for what I did. I told him that I still want us to work things out, but will understand if he doesn't and not to feel sorry for me. I am a different person now and am continuing to grow. I told him that if he would take some time to get to know me again, it might be easier to make that decision. He thinks he should go to IC to work through it all. He didn't have much else to say, but thanked me for the talk.

So I guess we are still in limbo. He hasn't taken any of the last 3 months to work through it or think about it, so its almost as if we are back to DDay ... how long to I hang on? How long do I give him to start thinking about it? I don't want to force a decision, but he needs to at least start thinking about it, right?

Last edited by time_for_change; 03/25/07 06:35 PM.
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I have to tell you TFC... your actions would end this ordeal for me. You have continued to say that you are going to stop worrying about HIM and work on you... BUT everything I read from you is all about YOU. I would walk away in a heartbeat if I were your H.

You have been given advice here... you say you are going to follow it... yet you continue to do as you please which is really the same thing you have been doing all along.

I am going to bug out of this sitch now as you obviously have your mind made up that working on you is not the way to go. Frankly, I think your H deserved more patience from you...more time from you... but only you get to make that call. I can tell you that if I were in your H's shoes, you would have driven the last nail into the coffin you placed me in. Sorry for being so blunt but I am really confused by the contradiction between your actions and your words.

Good luck.

MEDC

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I HAVE been working on me. I am giving patience to him, I am trying to follow advice from here ... I am holding on for dear life. I am willing to do the work for our marriage. I suppose I am supposed to sit idly by knowing that he is in an A that is adding to the problems in our M, but that is hard to do. I'm sorry you've given up on me.

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good lord - you take a babystep forward and then a giant step backwards.

Have to agree with MEDC.

You are being manipulative and controlling. I am thinking you want to end the M. Get a lawyer and try to get your BH removed from the house and then go into Plan B. Yep - that will win him over after you had slept with his best friend. Sounds like mind games. My advice to him is run for the hills, go for full custody and residence of the home.

If he is having a revenge A - then you are competing with OW. How do you stack up against the OW ? Looks and demeanor? Are you worth the pain and hassle? Your DD is worth it for both of you to try. You need to work on you and not him. He is seeing it now - finally.

See Plan B is for the BS who is hurting and in pain (My suggestion is to read the pain of those posting on this board in Plan B) , they remove themselves to waken the WW to what life is like without them and also to retain what "love units" are left their bank for their WS. Plan B may take 2 years even after a divorce. No guarantees and it does have a high risk - out of sight / out of mind.

Seems to me we have a Plan B in reverse. Plan B by you will help him make a clear decision. Instead of thinking you or him - think about your DD - that is YOUR job. Be a mother and work on trying to be a Wife one day. So far being a W there apparently is much to learn.

Hope you calm down a bit and think about it.


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He called just to talk. I was putting DD to bed, he asked me to call him back when I was done. This is the first time he's called just to talk to me. We talked for almost an hour! Before we got off the phone I told him how much I appreciated him calling and enjoyed talking to him. He said he was glad he called and he enjoyed talking to me too. (another happy dance!)

I will take some time away from here (my thread) to read about other people's situations. Maybe that will help my perspective on my personal situation. In the meantime, I will continue to work on me, go to IC, and start putting my thoughts and concerns in a journal instead of here.

Last edited by time_for_change; 03/25/07 08:12 PM.
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perhaps a little too hyper on previous post - my apology
looks like you are taking anther baby step forward. Make his home safe, stay steady and have grace.

Be the best mother to your DD. Maybe he noticed when he called the first time. You are the mother of his child so that is One of the things you have over any OW out there. Stay calm and confident.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


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Thank you for that rwinger, I really appreciate it. I am trying my best to show him that I am a kind and loving woman and mother. I am doing extensive work on me, and realize that I sometimes get lost in the day-to-day drama. Most of my free-time is spent reading, learning, and meditating on what I need to do to be a better woman and mother. I take good care of our home, our daughter, him, and myself. His compliment of what a wonderful mother I've become resonates with me daily. It inspires me to continue my journey. I will try not to get caught up in the day-to-day and keep my sights on the bigger picture. (Easier said than done, but will try.)

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Have done much thought over the last few days. I'm working an excellent Plan A so far this week ... he has actually been calling a lot more and we've had all nice chats. I met with my IC today and decided to establish a couple of boundaries for myself & DD (not demands for him). I will be working hard to stick to them. I am in a better place with more clarity and less anger. Feeling much better about my plan. The one thing that keeps weighing on my mind is: Do I expose his revenge A or do I just wait to see if it fizzles out?

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"Exposure" is a weapon in the betrayed spouse's (BS) arsenal to smash the adultery by letting people who can put pressure on the adultery to end. These include both WS and BS family members, including their children, religious leaders at your church, friends, co-workers, senior officers at the place of work (if it’s a workplace affair), business and professional associates, professional societies to which the WS belongs, etc., etc. [color:"blue"] [/color] [color:"blue"] [/color] [color:"blue"] [/color] [color:"blue"] [/color]

If you want to recover your marriage using Dr. Harley’s well-established principles, you need to follow his program right from the beginning. If you treat MB principles like a Chinese menu, selecting items from column A and some from column B, according to what suits you, you’re sowing the seeds of the destruction of your marital recovery plan.

If you haven’t seen Dr. Harley’s advice, here’s a thread relaying Dr. Harley’s own words on the subject of exposure:

[color:"blue"]Dr. Harley's Advice On Exposure[/color]

I'm not entirely sure where you are in your recovery plan but good luck in all that you do.

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TFC,

You could expose his A, and really that might be the best plan. However, if he is calling you every day and his discussions with you are starting to change in positive ways, then perhaps you should wait abit.

Normally, I would say expose, expose,expose. But, the problem is he is recovering from you A. It has only been three months and in recovery that is a very short time. I think you should discuss his A, but pointing out, that it makes it very hard for you to hang on to things given the damage you have done, and the damage he is doing.

The road to recovery is narrow, and narrowed even more when both have betrayed one another. It would make sense that everyone would be of kinder heart, and that will happen when his A ends and if he decides to try and work on the marriage.

Patience and time are the watch words. And really you might want to consider going to plan B after you have done a great plan A. Have you read up on it? Are you prepared for a plan B? Do you really understand it's purpose?

Please get yourself primed.

God Bless,

JL

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