I recently was forced to confess to my H of 22 years that 12 years ago I slipped. During that time in our marriage, I was getting no emotional support from my H and things were very bad - near divorce. A good friend and co-worker offered a shoulder and things progressed. I ended the affair after a very infrequent 2 years when I finally grew up and realized my marriage was the most important thing to me. I've lived with what I did and my H and I went on to build a fabulous marriage and have a child. We moved and I've had very little contact with the OM although we still work for the same company.

4 months ago the OM called to tell me his wife knew about us and was threatening to tell my H and take legal actions against me. Unknown by me, the OM had taped us and kept the tape hidden which of course the wife found. I had to tell my H before she did. In the end that was what she really wanted and the situation had ended. I've been told the tape was destroyed which I can only trust is true.

My H is understandedly having trouble accepting this even though it was so long ago and he had some role in pushing me away. I'm by no means saying this was his fault - I accept full responsibility for my actions. But I love this man with all my heart - he is my very best friend and I've hurt him so badly. This entire situation has caused me to reevaluate myself and our marriage and I'm finding that the passion that gets lost with time and children has returned and we're much more loving and aware of each other. However there is still this hurt and I don't know how to help him.

He tells me he loves me and doesn't "not want to be married to me" and I believe him. Our physical love is better than it's ever been partly because I've stopped letting the little things get in the way and found new respect and love for him. We're focused on each other which hasn't been the norm for a while - nothing specfic caused the blahs, just normal everyday life and work.

But the thought of hurting him is never far from my mind and my stomach is constantly in knots. Will we ever get past this?

TexasLady, you can get past this but it is important to understand that just because it happened 12 yrs ago, does not mean he will get over it sooner. You are looking at 18 to 24 months of recovery AT MINIMUM. Adultery is as traumatic as being raped. You have the added element of lying to him about his life for 12 years. That will make it harder for his recovery because he will feel that his whole life was lie for the past 12 years.

Some things you can do to help him through this:

1. be completely honest with him and answer all his questions fully and completely

2. order Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Ner Needs and read them together

3. send him here so we can help him

4. be sympathetic to his suffering. Don't tell him to "get over it"

Welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

TL,

Just wanted to tell you you are in the right place to get help. One thing to remember is tha while your A was 12 years ago it seems as though it happened just yesterday to your H. His pain is very real and will take time to work through.

I might suggest that you read everything you can on this sight. Order and read Surviving An Affair and get His Needs Her Needs. Both available on this sight as well.

I am a BS who's W had an A several years ago and know what you and your H are goin through. I wish you luck and know that you will find help here from the many others who will post to you.

See What I mean, You got one of the best already. Mel beat me to the punch.

Hi Texas Lady

I am glad you found your way here. There are lots of folks here who have been in similar places and can give you advice. I'd encourage you and your H to go through the links on the side-to have a better understanding of things starting with Dr. Harley's basic concepts, Love Busters, etc.

I also am glad you are willing to take responsibility for your actions but I do hear some little excuses in what you said. "although it was so long ago and he had some role in pushing me away." Even though you claim you are not saying this is his fault, you are when you say "he had some role".

Sure, there were things in your marriage that caused a disconnect and your emotional needs weren't being met-but you made the choice to commit adultery-and it wasn't because of your H. You need to make sure he hears that and not "but you had something to do with it..." tiny excuses.
I'm not trying to 2x4 you-just telling you what this sounds like from a BS point of view.

Also, please understand that although your A was a long time ago, for your H it just happened. He just found out he was betrayed. He is in the midst of feeling wounded, rejected and-because it was kept from him-lied to for 12 years. He will doubt the last 12 years. He will doubt that you are being truthful. It will be a rollar coaster of emotions for him. You may have to get into MC to work through this-and perhaps IC for each of you.

Your actions will speak the loudest in all this. Again, check out the links and keep coming back. Many here can attest that your M can be even better because you are willing to work on it and continue show him you truly do love him with all your heart.

Your willingness to be here and be open about this chapter in your life says a lot about you.

Hang in there.

Like everyone in this situation we have good days and bad days but the good are more frequent than the bad. H recognizes that we both need to work at the relationship and we've both been very complacent for many years. This very harsh wakeup call may just make us a better couple. I have been reading from this site and will encourage him to do so also. We're not opposed the MC and both are working to be better - I'm so thankful he didn't just shut down and throw it all away.

Thank you so much for your concern and guidance.