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#1836205 03/04/07 05:03 PM
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RavenWW #1836206 03/04/07 06:02 PM
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Hey....hang loose, Sunday's are slow. There will be lots of help coming tomorrow.

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Raven FWW (me) 44 BH 51 D-day: 2/2/07 NC: 2/5/07 M 15 years
RavenWW #1836208 03/04/07 06:45 PM
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Here are some things off of other posts that you can start doing. Replace he with "me" as in you....These are things that the WS should do to help the BS.

In order for your marriage to successfully survive these are some things that your spouse must do:

1. He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
4. He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. He must feel your pain.
6. He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.
10. He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.
11. He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you.
12. He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you.
13. He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible.
14. He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first.
15. He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected.
16. He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.
17. He must be willing to seek counseling.
18. He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.

RavenWW #1836209 03/04/07 06:48 PM
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Raven,

Welcome, and sorry you have to be here.

I am a BS, and understand the pain your H is in. But, I wondered about some things in your post that worried me about him.

He gave YOU the "I love you but not in love with you" speech, and he has been distant, and he has limited your ability to know what's been going on in his life?

Is HE involved with someone else? Have you considered that? I ask because the if signs were there before your A started then it might be possible, and I wondered because of his behavior.

Was he like this before your d-day?



I would say you need to be in Plan A, where you focus on figuring out his ENs and meeting them. Showing him the best you that you can. And working on your changes, that is a great place to start.

Are you two in MC?

The "pros" will come along soon. I'm more of a lurker, but I just wanted to get things rolling for you.
SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
RavenWW #1836210 03/04/07 06:57 PM
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Welcome to MB Raven. There have been lots and lots of waywards spouses who post here. Once monday comes around, I'm sure you'll get some folks to chime in who have been in your spot. Seven children huh? Wow what ages? How did you ever find time for gaming?

You seem to be doing well with transparency and accountability. How are you doing with stopping the love busters and filling needs? Even if he won't fill out the forms....surely after being married to this guy for a while....you know basically what makes him tick and what turns him off.

If you're at a loss....choose admiration....almost every man I know responds well to that need. If you've been depressed....how are you doing with the attractive spouse and domestic support needs? If you haven't worked....is financial support possibly important? Just start going through....because ALL the needs on that list are important to everyone....it's just the order that's different.

Keep posting, filling in details and asking specific questions.

schoolbus #1836211 03/04/07 09:25 PM
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Is HE involved with someone else? Have you considered that? I ask because the if signs were there before your A started then it might be possible, and I wondered because of his behavior.

This is *exactly* what I thought when I first read the post as well.


I was the BS - 36
She was the WS - 36, PA with MM
DS8, DD13, DD15 - All living with Dad
DDay 05/04, Divorced 08/05
Miker #1836212 03/04/07 10:11 PM
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Hi Raven and welcome...

Never fear, there are FWW's here, I am one of them and from on online EA no less...

I have a question about the timeframe...when did the EA take place? How long has H known about it? Could it be possible that his blow up and susequent further detachment (separating accounts, etc.) was because he knew about the EA but kept it to himself?

I thought that when he said "good for you" when you threw out your clothes was a really good sign...I, like you, have had problems with looking to my H for approval etc. and am learning that I need to find these things for myself. Being confident in yourself is definitely attractive, so good for you for working on that!

Like the others, I think it's possible if the above scenario I posed at the beginning isn't the case, that your H may be involved in some sort of inappropriate relationship himself. He's definitely showing the signs.

The good news for you is, if that is true, you are already making the effort to meet his EN's and make improvements yourself (kind of a pre-emptive plan A!).

Have you come right out and asked him about any other relationships? What exactly is his response?

As for the spying, I know there are some programs that can actually be sent via email and then install automatically on the computer that the message is read from.

Also, I think starfish is right on about the admiration need.

keep posting...I have learned so much here, and my FBH is pretty much on top of the world right now (couldn't be happier, lucky to have me he says...yay, go me!). Not too long ago, our story wasn't much different from yours.

good luck and keep posting.

-mom


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Raven FWW (me) 44 BH 51 D-day: 2/2/07 NC: 2/5/07 M 15 years
RavenWW #1836215 03/05/07 09:38 AM
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Raven-

It's interesting...your post could almost have been written by my FWW...3 years ago.

So with that said, I've got to agree with the question you've been asked by others...do you think he might have started an A himself?

His actions have some definite red flags in them for sure.

Owl #1836216 03/05/07 10:00 AM
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Raven:

Welcome to our crazy little club here.

I think you Husband is deep in the middle of an A.

He revealed to you who it might have been with the drunken phone call. But that's not who it is.

It's someone else. He revealed to much about her for it to be her. Unless, she was just the first.

You say you are both computer geeks and he hasn't fixed his home computer and he guards his laptop and palm pilot.

Serious Red Flags.

And rewriting history.

Another Flag.

It's time for you to do snooping 101 and smoke her out.

And then you can start working on your M.

RavenWW #1836217 03/05/07 10:48 AM
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He told me quite calmly, that he thought he may have trashed it with a bunch of other receipts, and that he would report it stolen and get me a new one. It has yet to show up, but he shows no concern about it.

Reason to be worried?

Uhh...yep. Seems like he's shoring up his finances, you are on the account? Go to the bank and find out what's been going on, get a card, get a history of the transactions.

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I did bluntly ask him about it, and he told me no, that he hadnt had an affair with anyone else, but had considered doing it soon if things didnt change.

that he would actually say this, pretty much seals it for me...if he isn't having an A already, which it seems ever increasingly likely he is, he's emotionally blackmailing you with this statement.

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As far as the monitoring software sent via email, let me tell ya, he is REALLY good at security. Its just not an option for me at this time.

I hear you there...my FBH is a big time geek as well, and does computer security for a living...I'd never get anything past him either.

LG is right. Time to find out the truth. You need information. You need to know what you are really dealing with in order to know how to proceed.

NEED SOME SPYING EXPERTS TO GIVE SOME ADVICE HERE!!


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I think you Husband is deep in the middle of an A.

Either that, or her H wants her to believe that he's in the middle of an A.

In any case, I think she needs to snoop and confirm the truth.

There certainly doesn't seem to be much O&H going on.


ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
RavenWW #1836219 03/05/07 11:39 AM
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Lots of good stuff written by other folks...
one thing I noticed that didnt seem to have an answer from you:

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When I present a positive attitude, he accuses me of ignoring the issues and pretending nothing happened.


What issues does he say are there? what issues are you ignoring, from his perspective?

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Raven FWW (me) 44 BH 51 D-day: 2/2/07 NC: 2/5/07 M 15 years
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Raven FWW (me) 44 BH 51 D-day: 2/2/07 NC: 2/5/07 M 15 years
RavenWW #1836222 03/05/07 03:20 PM
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Well, there's part of your problem. Obviously he's using that to meet his EN for SF.

As far as looking for other evidence of an A:

Get a voice activated recorder for his car. Perhaps another one for in the house for after you go to bed or whatever makes sense.

Is there someone that he works with that you trust to tell you the truth of what's going on when he's at work? That might even 'keep an eye on him' for you?

What means of communication do you think he'd use to have and affair? As you know, they require a LOT of communication...so how would he do it?

I'm good with the spying stuff...hehe.

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Raven FWW (me) 44 BH 51 D-day: 2/2/07 NC: 2/5/07 M 15 years
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