I gave my W a copy of Lovebusting last nite. I read it and noticed the mistakes that I have constantly made in my marriage. W still wants to go thru with the D- although she said what happens "if you get served". We basically talked about what we wanted - settlemant. I told her I asked for all the furniture that we bought, amongst other things. she said she took the request for furniture as a knive in the gut. I didn't respond, justify, or anything else.<BR>As I was leaving, she did say that maybe we could keep talking like this- except not at home. I told her that I wasn't uncomfortable, that I see it as a goal- to come home. She knows I love her, I know I have made MAJOR mistakes in this. She is having an affair- she denies it. OM is also married and has kids. I have been snopping anfd have all the evidence. How do I get her to trust me with that and will it ever end. I love her with all of my heart, she says she dosen't hate me, but she needs space. I asked her to read the book, and let me know when I can get it back. Any suggestions- thumbs up or down on my progress? I hope I haven't left anything out.

As long as you don't break any laws, you get a thumbs up. These things never last and if the OM has not left his W she has nothing. don't push the divorce if you really don't want it. Just give it time and be patient with her and yourself. <BR>I am impressed that you are going to anger Mgmt. Very mature on your part.<p>[This message has been edited by fighter (edited October 07, 1999).]

Fighter, Why don't they last? If a person spends enough time with OP then is there not a chance of them actually falling in love with OP? I mean beyond what got them there in the first place.<P>Sorry to step into your thread Cov: I agree with Fighter though, I just wanted to ask that. If that's your goal and she doesn't sound like she's actually pushing you out, just not really letting you in. I'd say keep the ever-loving persistance up.

we also have a child- as great 4 yr. old whose relationship with me has greatly improved. was giving her the book a positive step or should I just leave her alone and see if she comes back - and greet her with opern arms?

This may sound harsh, but I know of what I speak...<P>She wants space to explore her feelings with OM. That's the only reason betrayers ask for more space. They THINK they are going to think about their choices, but really it's a freedom move. That does not mean she won't pull her head out and see what's really going on, and that's just what I hope for, for you! <P>That said, no you didn't lovebust or anything else by giving her the book. The fact that she discussed it at all says something positive, I think. Keep on showing her tons of love, ala Plan A... you're doing great!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Paul, they don't last because its a perfect relationship. No problems, no kids and each are putting their best foot forward. Then problems start seeping in and the magic wears off, life is complicated and reality just ruins the relationship. Not all end up that way. But the chances of the spouse and the op ending up together happy are about 5%. THe problem is that they are in love with the OP but the OP turns out not to be the person they thought.

Fighter: My problem is by then it may be too late. I mean you could actually be talking years here. When we first sarted with our spouse everything was perfect. Things slipped in there too. So what's to say same thing doesn't occur? It took me and my W 7 years to get to where we are.<P>Here's hoping that the stats prove out in your case Cov. Although I'm not saying you're a stat! <P>Also greeting with open arms? I'd probably do the greeting with open home and work on getting back to the open arms. My opinion

Thanks everyone <P>I just wanted to know what to do about this. My wifew has said she dosen't want to be someone who cares for my child when I am not around- a nanny she called it. I asked to go with me to a party on New Years out of town. She said she would rather be at home _Y2K, ya know. I told her that I haven't spent 10 years without her on New Years Eve, I really don't want to start now. I need a fool to kiss at midnite- an old custom. This thing with the OM is fdantasy I know, and I can get riled up about it at times. But, I can't make that descion for her. I sometimes can wait, and sometimes I can't . I guess she sees me going on with my life, and it bothers her. My b-days tomorrow by the way, 31 !I wish she was there to help me celebrate it. WAAWAAWAA.

Paul, I doubt it will be years. THere is also a huge amount of deception for her and the op to deal with. They are not only lying to their spouses, they are lying to each other and worst of all they are lying to themselves. Unless they are completly nuts and are willing to remain that way forever, the relationship will break. It goes from being free and easy to being the unbearable burden. THe longer it takes her the harder the fall. It will come crashing down. Don't let her exteior dememor fool you.

i just talked to my W. We get along just fine on the phone- no lovebusting or angry. Sound happy to talk to her. She sounds happy to talk to me . wants to talk to me. keep child plans.

how can she be so happy and we talk just fine- why do people want a divorce when we get along so well.

I know the feeling Cov.<P>Thanks Fighter