He is a WS trying to know how little he can give before you will accept him back. He is testing your boundaries. Do you know what your boundaries are? If not, he will push you until you take him back as is. That would not be wise.

L.

Someone tell me about boundaries???

I don't mean to sound stupid but I just can't figure this stuff out and i just think I keep making things worse.

Any examples.

Thanks

Well OW kicked him out on 3/20, and he said he was numb. Than on 3/21 he told me he loved me and that he gave up and wasn't sure how he felt. I got mixed messages from him and I started to email and call him again and than everything exploded last night.

He went on a trip over the weekend and I decided to call him and ask how it went last night. He started a fight because he knew I saw one of his friends who knows the OW and he started in about "Oh I bet you guys had alot to say" Just checked his cellphone and he did call OW last night. He said he wanted to file for divorce and that he has given up on relationship.

I sent a nasty email to OW and let it all out. Than I talked to him and told him that I sent it and he said oh great shes in the hospital. And oh this is the real me coming out and thats why he wants out. Big mistake.

He called me again at 6am this morning and told me again that he gave up and was going to courthouse today to file. He said I could have everything he didn't want anything, except for me to leave him alone.

He came to pickup the dog this morning after the long call and he's sleeping on my couch as we speak.

Now I don't know what to do.

He's not living here anymore since 3/14.

What should I do????

Sue,
I apologize, I am not that familiar with your situation, but your question about boundaries makes me wonder if you have read the following three books:
SAA - Surviving an Affair
HNHN - His Needs Her Needs
LB - LoveBusters

All three are by Willard Harley and for the basis for the concepts discussed on this message board. Reading these will help you with all the jargon and concepts that everyone assumes you know about. You can also call 1888-630-1639 to set up and appointment with Steve Harley for phone counseling.

Titles above and Steve will help you to formulate a plan for accomplishing you goals, and will help you define those goals if you have not already. Focus on your goals and executing your plan help you keep your sanity and feel in control while dealing with the crazy whacked out crap that comes from the WS.

"He said I could have everything he didn't want anything, except for me to leave him alone."

Go see an attorney quickly and get him to put this in writing - TODAY, before he changes his mind. You need to protect yourself and family financially from him.

I think Orchid is right, he is trying to see how little you will take to get him back.

I have read all of the books believe it or not. I'm just going crazy.

When we had minimal contact from 3/14-3/20 I was alot better. I also stopped the emails and also all the reading and websites to get a break.

Well once WH contacts me and says the "Love" I lose my control.

My plan was to separate for a while and than initiate Plan B. But I don't feel ready for total NO Contact yet so I don't want to blow it.

Not sure how to handle this middle stage.

Or, contrariwise, it's a trap, to get you to say, "ok, I want everything", so he can then self justify "Wow, what a golddigger she is! she just wants my stuff! I need to divorce her, and fight for everything I can get my paws on."

Even if it isnt a "trap", he's not serious about "not wanting anything". don't even go there.

Well got mad last Monday thought WH was seeing OW so I sent OW a very nasty email. Now I regret it so bad, and than I found out she's in the hospital. I keep worrying she will show the email to my WH and than it will just make everything worse. I told WH about the Email and said I regretting sending it, so he knows about it.

We are separated and only talking about kids, taxes etc, he did call me yesterday and invite me to a concert next weekend and I said yes.

I just don't know how to stop worrying about the email to the OW.

Sue - go back and read the beginning of this thread again.

You are not following any sort of PLAN.

You are doing nothing but dancing to WH's tune and letting him control this entire situation.

He says, "I want a divorce," and you say "Okay."

Then in the very next minute he calls you up and says, "Let's go to a concert," and you say "Okay."

He treats you like this because you allow it - because you have NO boundary that says, "I will not participate in a relationship with a man who treats me this way."

So he DOES treat you this way, and instead of taking steps to protect yourself from it you just let him throw you crumbs and scraps and treat you like nothing but a back-up plan (because you are) and even though you really really wish he would stop you do NOTHING to stop this YOURSELF.

Hoping and wishing is not a Plan.

You have got to get a Plan and you have got to lay down some boundaries.

If you don't, you can bet your house he will go right on treating you exactly the way he's treating you now. And why would he do such a rotten thing? Because it works for him. Because it allows him to have a girlfriend AND a wife at the same time - a wife who is dangling at the end of his string and begging him for any crumbs he might throw her way and does not require anything more for herself.

Stop panicking. Stop bouncing off the walls. GET A PLAN. Learn what Boundaries are and learn how to implement there. That's what the rest of us have had to learn to do.

There are many here who will help you.
Mulan

Thank you so much for your too the point message. I need it I just feel so bad because I've been rejected and I'm not in control. Very hard to get my power back personally.

This is actually very out of character for me, I've always been the one in control. He is actually rebelling against that control and that has caused me to cave in I guess.

I actually was Plan A'g for a while but than I found out he was still with OW so I asked him to leave. He did and yes he started calling me and I just got sucked right back in. That is what caused the big blowup because I just had enough.

So he came home for the day after the big blowup and I asked him to leave. I told him I ddin't want any contact at all. He said we needed contact for kids, money etc, so he calls me almost everyday.

I'm really struggling with the boundaries because I'm so vulnerable. I'm not ready for Plan B because I would just collapse or have a nervous breakdown at this point. I'm
really having a hard time letting go, I get anxious and think about him all the time. Its driving me crazy.

So boundaries no I don't have any and I can't even figure out what they should be. Its like we both feed off each other and I can't put my foot down. Fear of losing him all together.

Dazed and confused, but appreciate feedback.

Went to concert with WH, he admitted he invited me so he wouldn't have to be alone with his deceased friends wife. What a blow. Rejection after Rejection

We talked this week and he said file for divorce and he'd sign everything over to me. WH says he is so confused and depressed but he can't keep going on like this. He said the marriage was over along time ago and he was only staying for the children.

He is with OW again and admitted to giving her $13K to buy a house. He said that he owed her and now he is broke.

I don't know if I should just file for divorce or not? I really don't want to at this point. But am I fooling myself. I want to give him space but we keep talking to each other for one thing or another. It just hurts so bad.

Why did you go out with him if he's with OW still?

What plan are you trying to be in, A or B???

I was in Plan A, but than I moved to Plan B on 3/27 with No Contact and guess what we had contact nearly eveyday from that day forward. I gave him the letter and everything. He said we had to have contact re: kids, taxes, property. So everytime we talk that is what it is about.

And than it was his Birthday on 4/6 so I went out with him and my daughter and I really didn't want to go but I did.

It is so hard to figure out, you say be nice give him the EN he needs and no LB. And that's what I try to do but all I ever feel is taken advantage of and rejected.

I want to be in Plan B and have NO contact, and I want to do this for a few months before considering filing for divorce. But.......

Advice appreciated.

Sue,


Just how much are you willing to put up with here? If you are not ready to file, you still need to protect yourself financially with some sort of separation agreement. He's out of the house, so why not give Plan B (totally dark) a try. Right now he has a wife he talks to everyday and a OW he ***** every night.

Calm down, take a deep breath, come up with a solid plan and decide what it is you want in the end and what type of behavior you will accept from him now and in the future if the two of you try to recover your marriage.

I don't see that there should be a reason to discuss kids and finances every day. Sounds to me like an excuse to not Plan B.

You need to look back on what you have been doing and realize that it isn't working. Re-read the books with an open mind and come up with a plan.

You are getting lots of great advice here and as far as I can tell, you are ignoring it all. Might sound harsh but it is how I see it. If it helps, remember that you aren't the only one here who has been thru this.

Oh, and by the way, stop communicating with OW, you already know that they are having an affair, lies or not. You have nothing to gain and much to lose by continued contact with her.

Who

OK...advice for you.

Pick a plan and stick to it. It's SIMPLE. Not easy, but SIMPLE.

If you want plan B, then just DO IT. Get an intermediary to handle all that contact that he mentioned. There's no reason why you have to talk about this stuff directly with him. Again...SIMPLE.

Go to it, and stick to it. No excuses. Don't break it until he SHOWS YOU WITH ACTIONS that he's meeting the conditions set in your PBL.

Well back again and need advice.

I have been bouncing around and continue to now I need to know where to go.

WH and I have seen each other the past two weekends, birthdays, out of town relatives. In between the visits I told I wanted no contact because I knew he was still seeing OW.

The past weekend was my birthday and my car was wrecked an anyway he was there and comforted me. He told me at one point that "EVERYTHING" was going to be OK soon Trust Me. Well I said I trusted you before and look what I got.

He has not seen OW for the past several days that I know of, he told me he did not Love her and was planning on ending it. But Thursday's are the days he normally saw her and today is Thursday. I'm like freaking out, should I tell him or leave him alone.

I feel like I'm going crazy, what do I do? Should I have NO Contact with him Now? Should I tell him he can't see me as long as he's still seeing her? Or do I just shut up about R and give him space and time to come to me?

I just don't know how to get on track, I want to save my M but I also feel rejected and confused and pissed off. I hate the OW and I just wish my WH would stop seeing her!

Advice appreciated.

As another poster said:

Pick a plan and stick to it. It's simple - not easy, but simple.

1) Plan A. If you think you can do this *by the book and to the letter* for even two weeks, then go for it.

2) Plan B. After you've done even a short but decent Plan A, AND/OR his continued contact with the OW is making you lose your love and respect for WH, you go to Plan B.

You are doing nothing now but floundering around and bouncing off the walls and "wishing WH would stop seeing her". Well, EVERY BS "wishes" their WS would stop seeing the OP, but every one of us learns that wishing and hoping is not a plan.

Pick a plan and stick to it. Right now, all you are doing is enabling his cheating and showing him that while you may not like it, you'll keep on seeing him in spite of it. He's very happy about this and has NO incentive to change what he is doing.

Is that what you want? If it's not, you're going to have to do something different. Like a REAL Plan A followed by a REAL Plan B. "No contact between visits" is not REMOTELY Plan B. That's just you being a doormat and waiting patiently while he enjoys his time with OW "between visits" with you.

If you want an example of how to do Plan A and how to do Plan B, read both of LilSis's threads. There's an older one on Plan A and the current one deals with Plan B. You will find no better example of how this is supposed to be done.

Pick a plan and stick to it. All you are doing right now is enabling his affair and vastly increasing your own suffering in the process.
Mulan

I totally agree and I am driving myself crazy. I'm a basket case at work and I'm a basket case at home.

I did a good Plan A at some point but he just continues the A, I'm so emotional I just can't do the Plan B the right way. Its like I'm stuck in the middle and I focus everything on him and it just hurts me more and more.

I feel like pounding my head against the wall, and the sad thing is I'm a very intelligent person normally.

So as you said I should go back to Plan A for a few weeks and get my head together. I think this time I need to focus the Plan A more on me than just showing him how good the R could be. I need to be more indepentant and get out on my own.

He is not living at home does that make a difference? Its like he comes and goes as he wants and that is a tough one?

I am losing repect for him every day so just maybe I will get to the Plan B point sooner than I think.

Well my emotions got the best of me again. I started snooping my WH emails and found one from OW saying Where are you from last night. Immedidately I knew he was going there, it is Thursday the night they always meet. Anyway I call hiss cellphone, no answer. I call OW house phone on message machine. OK I figure they are together.

Well WH calls me a little while later and I said OH so you're at OW! And he wasn't, he got MAD! Told me to stop calling, Get on with my Life, Leave him Alone. He called me back later and said you really need to Move On, I thought you could change but you never will and this just proves it to me. I told him I was sorry but my head has been crazy lately because of so many rejections from him and the thought of him still seeing OW.

I really blew it, Now I feel like my only course of action is to file for D.

I'm not going to call him, email him or anything.

Please read my last message HELP!!!!!!!!!