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Joined: Jul 2001
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I just wanted to give everyone an update.

Life is just fine. M and I will be leaving for Egypt soon, and in general, I think our relationship is good. Right now, we seem to be on a plateau, but it’s such a nice plateau, I’m not ready to get off it yet. All conversations about the future have ceased for the time being. I think he may not feel comfortable discussing it since I won’t live together without the benefit of marriage. He may be ready to live together but scared of marriage.

Meanwhile, I figured something out. All the times when I panic about our relationship seem to fall between the 5th and 9th of the month. Consistently. And anyone want to take a guess what else falls right around that time? Anyone? So, I betting this feeling of anxiety and impending doom has NOTHING to do with M, and everything to do with my hormones. So, my new plan is to not talk about anything from the 4th through the 10th of every month. I may even avoid seeing him during that timeframe.

So, the long and the short is things are very nice.

Last edited by Greengables; 04/12/07 10:07 AM.

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Sounds great Green!

I always try to stop and think about whether my "issues" are related to something else thats on my mind.

When I am very stressed I tend to expect more from BF.
Its like I seek more comfort during those times and look for more from him. If I'm not getting it -- then I elevate issues about other things.

So, I had to learn to express my need for extra attention instead of that nasty old pattern I discovered.

I'm in a very nice place too. Feels good!
Happy for you -- Egypt sounds wonderful!

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Could there be a hormone-related reason for the consistency of the problems?

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Enjoy your trip, and I'm glad it is not during your period of emotions.


It was a marriage that never really started.
H: Conflict Avoider, NPD No communication skills (Confirmed by MC) Me: Enabler
Sep'd 12/01, D'd 08/03.
My joys and the light of my life: DD 11, DD 9
*Approach life and situations from the point of love - not from fear.*
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Great news!, GG! Enjoy! Have fun & If you're going to the pyramids don't let the armed guards intimidate you.


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Yes, Cinders, that's what I was trying to get at. I must recently have developed a serious case of PMS. It's terrible. I thought cramps and fatigue were bad, but the doom that seems to settle on me is worse.

And yes, Newly, I'm glad I won't be going during that time of the month!


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Well, Not such good news. The whole ILY issue has remained. I’m sure now that while I can go without personal compliments in a relationship, I wouldn’t be happy in one where my SO never verbally expressed his feelings for me. I really want to hear those words.

M’s stand is actions should count for something, and they do. But, I’m too insecure to have faith that all the ways he’s nice to me mean that he’s in love with me. I find myself sad sometimes that he doesn’t feel like I do.

At the end of last night’s conversation, M said basically he wasn’t the type to talk about his feelings and that wasn’t going to change. So, while he’s by far the nicest man I’ve dated in 20 years, this won’t work for me long term.

Now, what do I do?


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Quote
Well, Not such good news. The whole ILY issue has remained. I’m sure now that while I can go without personal compliments in a relationship, I wouldn’t be happy in one where my SO never verbally expressed his feelings for me. I really want to hear those words.

M’s stand is actions should count for something, and they do. But, I’m too insecure to have faith that all the ways he’s nice to me mean that he’s in love with me. I find myself sad sometimes that he doesn’t feel like I do.

At the end of last night’s conversation, M said basically he wasn’t the type to talk about his feelings and that wasn’t going to change. So, while he’s by far the nicest man I’ve dated in 20 years, this won’t work for me long term.

Now, what do I do?

Oh my GG - see my "I'm whining" post - I am in exactly the same boat you are in with regard to the verbal ILY. Maybe your M and my T are long-lost brothers?

I haven't decided as of yet if I can accept the non-verbal expressions of love long-term, but if it makes you feel any better, you are not alone....


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ditto....

will you gals kindly figure it all out and let me know how to work this out? I'm tired....

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ok Truly I caught up on your thread too.
We're all in the same boat.

I've been in a funk for the last few weeks. It all started on the night of a friends birthday party. We got home (yada yada yada) and I said ILU.

** little background: about 95% of the time when I say ILU, he will respond with a rotation of:
1. are you crazy?
2. have you been drinking?
3. are you on medication?
4. similar variations on these themes.
A very rare 5% of the time he will fumble with some form of
1. back at ya....
2. ditto....
3. me too...
4. the very very rare ILU2

So back to the story.
I say ILU.
I get one of the goofy versions.
I push the issue, can't you say it ONCE in a while?
He responds with: I don't even say it to my OWN FAMILY.

OUCH, so basically I don't take that very well. He's not particularily close to his family, and pretty critical of most of them. So I really feel put in my place...

Then he goes off on a little spaz about how I'm ALWAYS getting on his case about it and nagging at him to say it EVERYDAY. (this one I could blow off, cuz I know how absolutely ridiculous that is. I say it to him maybe twice a month, and put up with his nonsense replies all the time.)

Sooooo...went to sleep. Didn't talk about it.

But its been flavoring my feelings for the last two weeks. I just feel flat.

I don't know how I feel about all of this anymore.

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Yes, it seems there are a bunch of us. You know what's odd, I don't remember any men saying their GF refuses to say those words. I'm sure they're out there, but can't be many.

Yes, I've felt sort of at odds. I know now I really won't be happy in a permenant relationship when the other person just can't say it. I don't need it often, but I need it. Apparently, language must be one of my love languages.

It seems to me the ethical thing is to break up with him. I don't want him to just assume I've gotten over my little issue, and then have it be major heartache all round.

On the other hand, M will see my actions as impatient. I don't


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Hmmm....Can I join the club too? This has been gnawing at me as well. I haven't posted anything on this subject, figure I would just give it some time, but I'm at the point now that I'm starting to feel a slight resentment toward M.

Quick background:
-We've been together 2 1/2 years.
-I've said ILY maybe 5 times....he has never utter an ILY...although he does give me the same goofy comment like Lexxy's BF
-I ususally get "you're crazy"....or sometimes he just shakes his head and hugs me....
-He is close to his family and says ILY to them ....he even says it to his XWW's Aunt, who has always been very supportive of him through his divorce
-I once joked with him about something and said "I thoght you love me"....he said "I do!" that's it

I have to be honest, I haven't discuss any of this with M.

On one hand I want him to say it on his own without any pressure from me, it would mean more to me. On the other hand, I'm starting to wonder if he loves me because of I'm a nuturing mother, I treat him well, how his family loves me and I do get along with his family....but he's not "in love with me". I guess I'm afraid to find out.

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Hmmm....Can I join the club too? This has been gnawing at me as well. I haven't posted anything on this subject, figure I would just give it some time, but I'm at the point now that I'm starting to feel a slight resentment toward M.

Quick background:
-We've been together 2 1/2 years.
-I've said ILY maybe 5 times....he has never utter an ILY...although he does give me the same goofy comment like Lexxy's BF
-I ususally get "you're crazy"....or sometimes he just shakes his head and hugs me....
-He is close to his family and says ILY to them ....he even says it to his XWW's Aunt, who has always been very supportive of him through his divorce
-I once joked with him about something and said "I thoght you love me"....he said "I do!" that's it

I have to be honest, I haven't discuss any of this with M.

On one hand I want him to say it on his own without any pressure from me, it would mean more to me. On the other hand, I'm starting to wonder if he loves me because of I'm a nuturing mother, I treat him well, how his family loves me and I do get along with his family....but he's not "in love with me". I guess I'm afraid to find out.

Well, good to know that I'm not alone - and we are NOT crazy!

I have told T that I love him maybe a dozen times in almost two years - and I have yet to get ONE unsolicited ILY back! As a matter of fact, I'm guessing that the first three or four times I said it to him - I got nothing back - not even an acknowledgement from him! And, I know he can do it - he ALWAYS says it to his kids when he talks to them on the phone, so I know he can form the words.....and say them......when we talk on the phone - I get the "talk to you later"........and quite frankly, it's starting to bug me. We went on vacation recently, and after a few cocktails I looked him in the eye and asked him point blank (this is after I said it to him again) if he loved me or not.....I got the "yeah I do"......not very satisfying...

Yes, I wonder if maybe I'm the person he kills time with and has sex with until he finds the one that he wants to marry.....should I just ask him? I suppose.

OK divorced and dating guys - I'd love to hear your comments on the ILY thing - do you give it freely?


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YES! I wonder that too. Sure, maybe he loves me, but am I Special? Am I one of The Ones? I think not at this point. My M has planned three trips for the rest of the year, and I wasn't involved in the discussion much. I did say that since my contract ends in December I can't go away in October or Novemeber. I need to make monrey and find a job.

M did say it felt strange to have arranged a trip for just himself. But, now he's already talking about his next trip after these three. No input from me. He's going to Athens or to Bejing. My point: He's not really involving me in his future. If I'm there, I'm along for the ride.

Then, he forgot my birthday party. My mother threw me a small family party for my big 40th. My best friend came too. M remembered my birthday day, sent me an Amazon card, but totally forgot the party two days later. I was so hurt. He did show up after I had called him, but still.

And then, there's the fact that he won't let me bring my dog to his house. This is fine but it means I can't spend the night. Then he complains I never spend the night.

I've made the first move to tidying up my end of the relationship. I've gotten the satallite tv out of his name. He had it enstalled as apart of my Christmas present. He waas going to pay for the first year, but I refuse to let that happen now. That was when I thought we were heading toward marriage.

This stinks.


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And, oh yes, I'm not PMSing either.


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Looks like we got a club going on here! GG - I understand your hurt for your birthday - I remember being incredibly hurt and upset (and I posted about this at the time) when I had to have my dog put down and I felt T was very, very insensitive. Of course, time marched on and I let it go.....now the ILY....I let it go.....and now I remember other small things that disappointed me but if course, I let them go....

Those small things are starting to add up here - and the ILY apparently bothers me a lot more than I let on.....and yes, I should communicate more, but why for God's sake must everything be discussed ad nauseum....I also understand that men are just not as emotional as us ladies are - but geez, guys must have SOME sensitivity - they are really good at being romantic when they want to "get some" - how come that never carries over into everyday???

OK, I'm going to stop now - cause I'm getting all worked up into a tizzy......


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Sorry.

Too bad I didn't think to use SF to get him to say ILY.

And man, I swear I'm never going to talk about this again with him. Okay, one more time, when I say good-bye. I think M just needs someone who doesn't want/need to hear that.
You know, I think what I'm more concerned about is his attitude of "Take it or leave it." This must be a big deal to him to if he's unwilling to compromise.


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Well gals....isn't it at least to good to know we are far from alone???

So what is it about 40-ish men (in 2 year relationships) that can't verbally express their love and devotion to us? GRRR.

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Hi GG,

Just reading this thread over lunch. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hope things are going better in your life.

Keith

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Oh, all parts of my life are adrenelin rushes right now, BHINWI. LOL. I'll be okay.


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Remarrying 12/17/15
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