so you met the man at work
had sex with him in Sept after knowing him a very short while
and your husband discovered the affair the same month ... is this all correct?

Pep

When did you quit your job?

Pep

I quit my job a short time after all this. Yes my husband found out the same month. Yes I know it was just a short time.

More annoying questions... I know

but if you want advice/support to save your M, we're going to need to know just exactly what you are up against.

You're doing fine, so far.

How much non-intercourse physical contact was there before the one-time sex act? For instance, did you give him oral? Did he feel your breasts? Did you do a lot of kissing/making out before the one time sex ?

These are important to your husband, as you know.

Finally, did you use condoms with OM? Have you been checked for STDs?

sorry.... must probe a little

The point is ... did you have sex with a near-stranger because you developed a fast affection for him, or was it all a big rush of lust?

Pep

He is a BS. I sent him an e-mail last night. I will call him later today.

L.

****** no oral and yes we did use a condom. A little kissing. No fondleing. I don't know what does it sound like to you. Was it a fast attraction or does it sound like lust?

sounds like lust to me

but I was not there

did you say ILY to each other?

Certainly, your H has asked these same questions, has he not?

Pep

What is ILY?

Is ILY (I love you) if so the answer is NO. The only man I love is my H. And that is the only man I have ever told that to.

Have you read SAA?

HERE [color:"red"] <~~~ LINK [/color]

There is work to be done ... use this book like a guide.

I hope your marriage is successful...

One more Q ... was alcohol involved with your adultery?

Pep

Thanks for the advice on the book. I actually bought it and yes it was a great book. No alcohol involved.

I am the MBer that Orchid told you about. Like she said I am a BS and I am also in the Marine Corps. I take it from your first few posts that your H is still in his first 4 yrs in the service. Is this correct? I have been in the service for 13 yrs now so I know how that first few years can really put a strain on the home. Especially if you’re H is attached to a forward deploying unit. I want to make a comment on the 30 day separation that you referred to earlier. I just want you to understand that is a mechanism to protect both of you and to give you time to cool off.

What Kuky said earlier is true about how deployments are emotionally to the service member. I want to be blunt here like Kuky was. The one thing that we count on is the foundation of the home that we have back in the US when we go on deployments. I would tell you that yes we fight for the country as a whole, but in actuality this narrows down to our home that we fight for. I pictured my children the whole time that I was gone. That was what I was fighting for.

Like Pepperband said earlier you are doing fine so far. This is not a process that happens overnight. You have aready taken some good first few steps. I would be willing to help both of you in this. I would like to know something about the area of the base that your H is stationed at. It will let me know how I can help the both of you by telling me the situation that you are both in. And yes it makes a difference believe me.

No my h is at his 12years almost 13year in service. I have to agree about it being hard the first few years. I have been with him the whole time he has been in. Yes it is a cool off period but somedays I think it is way to long because we can't even talk so I feel it is making it worse. If you don't mind where are you stationed at? We are in La and he is sitting at a desk which is driving him crazy already. He hardley leaves for work. Which I love. Because any other duty stations we have been to he was always gone. Never cheated then though. So thanks for wanting to help us. Do u think we have a shot in he ll to save this or do u think this 30 days has screwd us?

I am currently stationed in DC. I can understand the adaptation to a desk job. I made that transition about 10 years ago. It will pass with time. I have never been down to LA. Is it an area by itself or is it in a major metropolitan area? I think that everyone has a chance to make a turn around. This 30 days separation doesn’t mean that there is not a chance to fix this situation. What was the reason that the command directed the separation? Normally it is only given if there is abuse in the home or the problem at home is affecting is work. Was this the case?

Yes Lousianna is huge. Yes u are right about the abuse. But he was also drinking more do to the fact of this situation. He has never done that to me before all this happened. I really do love him though and I wish,pray and hope that this can be saved. He says he wants to cohabitate for the kids. What does that tell you? I was just thinking it might just give us a chance to work on this and hopefully make it through this.

Has his drinking got progressively worst since this started? First you have to ensure the safety of you and the kids. I am not to sure on the cohabitation issue with this kind of thing going on because you just don’t know if it will happen again. No matter what someone has done they don’t deserve abuse verbal or physical. But, at the same time it will give you the opportunity to see and interact with him everyday. But, what are the arrangements going to be in the house and how do you think the kids are going to see it if you sleep in different rooms and act differently toward one another? The thing that you must both understand is they are to be protected at all times. Yes, the best thing for them is for the both of you to work on this together and build a loving family that will nurture them and grow together. I would have to give this a lot of thought if I were in your shoes.

Yes it has gotten worse since all this. The kids are my number one prioity. Whenever I see him drinking the kids and I leave the house sometimes over night. Thats what I was thinking about cohabitating for the kids. I just hope that these 30 days have done him some good. I just hope they have made him go through counceling and anger management classes before they let him come back home. Well before he left for the 30 days we sometimes slept in diffrent rooms. But hey thanks again for the advice.

The drinking concerns me a lot. I am happy that you and the kids get out of the house when he is this way, but you shouldn’t be the one that has to leave. How long ago did you start sleeping in other rooms? Was this after the A or before? Did he not want to sleep in the same room or was it you because of his drinking? After hearing what you have told me I would not want my significant other to come live with me and the kids if they were having a drinking problem that was getting worst. That will only lead to bigger problems.

But, I am also starting to get concerned that he is having anger management issues. Has he had a problem with this before any of this started? Both of these issues must be addressed before he should be able to come back. On giving advice that is no problem. It is all part of the MB family. I came here and learned a lot from some great people. That helped me more than I could ever tell them.

Well through our "go between" my cousin. He text her to tell me that he had contacted OM boss and he said that there would be an investigation on the OM for talking to me @ work. No my H never drank or acted like this before the A. They have put him in anger management classes. Just a few day before he was removed from the house.Other then that he and I were in the same room. No he did not want to wake up and be reminded about the A. We had our good months where it seemed he was trying to get this behind him but then I guess it was to much for him to handle. I am sad for him. Because I know what I have done to his heart and sole. I have crushed him. See he is the one that has gotten me on this site he use to read it for hours. But then he quit. I wish he would just talk to someone. I miss the old Hubby.:(

Sometimes it is good to have a go between. I had one with my XW from 2001 as I have just started to converse with her recently. It makes communication easier while emotions are high. If I am not mistaken didn’t you quit that job already? Did you work for the US government or something? If not, I don’t see why there would be an investigation on the OM for talking to you at work. How long ago did he contact the OM’s boss? I can understand some what about the reminders of the A. Have you tried talking to a Chaplain there on the base? They do offer marital counseling and I think that it would help the both of you. Even if you had to go by yourself to start with it will help you deal with all of this. Glad to hear that he showed you this site. Did he ever post here? That is unfortunate that he doesn’t visit this site anymore. You are right he needs to talk to someone. I understand that you miss your old H. Unfortunately, he has started to change for the worst. He will be different from now on. That can be a good thing or it could be a bad thing. It just depends on how he works his way through this. Hopefully, he will allow both yourself and others help him.