Hi there u all I have been reading all these articles. I am the one who has had an affair on my husband. He found out about it in Sep. of last year. It has been really rocky to put it nicely. It happened one time and that was it. I have never spoken or even seen the other guy since then. I was working and I had met this man. My husband is in the Military and was gone and me and this guy just started talking and one day it just happened. I have regreted it ever since. But my husband said that he can never forgive me. We have two children who are taking this really hard. I have been working on this marriage ever since. I am not to sure what else to do. He says he loves me but doesn't think he can ever love me as his wife again. I am not to sure if I should stay and fight for us or just let go? Please help!!!!!

First of all... if anyone let's go it should be him. You should hang in until he makes a move to get out.
Second... it didn't "just happen."
Third, how did your H "find out?" That is important from his perspective.
Why did you do this? And why would you do this while your H was away in the military... seems like a kind of cheap shot on your part. Do you have hostility towards him for some reason?
So, my answer to your last question is... you should fight for your M and your family. They deserve it.

I agree I do not want to let go. My husband found out by the cell phone bill. I am figuring out that I did it because some other man made feel special and gave me the attention. I am not to sure why I did it while he was gone. No I love my husband very much. I feel we just got to comfortable in our marriage and into a routine. I hate myself for what I have done to our M and family. The military has taken him out of the house for 30days because it was getting to heated in the house. So of course that is way to damn long for him to be out of the house and not able to talk to us. I feel like that is worng because we can not even begin to work on this marriage. I just feel like he is over there and just stewing in this. Thanks for the post. I will never give up I love him way to much.

What branch of the military? How often does he leave and for how long?

He doesn't leave often. Maybe in this 3 years here he has left maybe twice. But if he goes back to the fleet no telling. He is in the Marine Corp. This last time he was gone for 2weeks. But he has left for months and nothing like this has ever happened. I know if and when he leaves again I know it is going to be really tuff on him. I know it will be really rough. But I am willing to do whatever it takes to prove to him that I am here for him and that this will never happen again.

I am ex-military myself, and I just have to be kind of blunt here... you have an uphill battle. There is nothing worse than to have to go on deployment, and not be able to contact those you love. I have a relative in the USMC, and he was deployed one time, when his friend's wife sent him a tape by mistake, of her and her BF having sex. After watching it, an hour later he had killed himself. Being deployed is no picnic.

My point, please try to see it from his point of view. When he is out in the field, and he cannot contact you or anything like that, it is such a helpless feeling that his trust in you is/was all they have, and sorry to say it, you shown him that you cannot be trusted.

My sister is a USMC wife. Being a military spouse is tough as ******, believe me I know. Divorce is high in the service, because people are apart for extended periods of time. About 10 years ago, he was sent to Japan for a year, and his wife couldn't go with him. They lived apart for a year, and during that time, they had fallen apart so much, that they almost divorced.

You may want to prove to him that you want to make it work, I don't know what advice to give you, except just try to understand how hard it is for him. When I was deployed, I would go 3 months or more without being able to use a phone, all I got was letters.

You have an uphill battle.

Only useful thing I would suggest, is to go see a counselor, with him in tow. Maybe if he see's you are working on what ever issues you have, would start to help him out.

I filed for D 2 weeks after finding out she had been cheating on me for the last year of our M. I realized that after knowing that, she was no longer my wife in my eyes, but the other guys play toy. Maybe if he is still around, then understand that you are the one who has to do the work, if you start working, he may pay attention to that.

MEDC is right... that doesn't just happen. My ww said after I found out... it just happened, oops. I have never accidently had any form or kind of affair, accidently or intentionally...

Let's see if we can hook your H up with someone in the same branch of service and an MBer who can be able to help. He is also a BS whose W never recovered but he did.

If you want to have your H contact him, please let me know. My e-mail addy is: **edit**

I will send the MBer an e-mail and he will come. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Yes I totally agree that I have a uphill battle but I am willing to do that to prove to him. I know I am terified of him going on deployments thats why I am here trying to get advice on what to do for this marriage in the mean time. I am scared to death. I am trying and I am understanding and I know how much I have crushed him. ****** it is hard for me to deal with everyday I can only amagine how hard it is for him. I know he can't trust me but I am willing to try and repair that and get it back. Thanks but I know I have a huge battle ahead of me. Thanks again.

I'm confused

"it" only happened one time ... right?

then how can this be?



were there lots of calls?

Pep

He had been talking to his Major and he is going through the same thing but right now I can't talk to him to even ask if he wants to do that. I would love for him to talk to as many people as he can because he already said will not go to counceling with me so they can lie to him. I am just affraid that he is going to give us up and then later hate himself for that. You all just need to remember I love him with all my heart and soul and I can't imagine life without him. He is my rock and I betrayed that. I never relized how much he meant to me until all of this. I think we just got to comfortable and we were getting bored with the same old same old crap. But now I wish I can have that back and work from there but I am not to sure now. Thanks again. I will get back to you on that.

The sex part of the affair happened ONE time. We had talked before the sex part of happened. the OM and I talked when we at work on the phone. So no I did not have SEX more then ONCE. I have not spoken or talked to the OM since he found out. I have fu**** up once. I know the talking was bad as well but I think the SEX part was worse.

About how many phone calls did your H discover on that bill?

I am not to sure a lot I guess. But what does that have to do with it?

it is part of the betrayal picture

it has a LOT to do with how much you invested outside your marriage

more than 10 calls?
more than 50 calls?
more than 100 calls?

try and respond

Pep

Hey orchid is this peson a WWS or BS? I would love for him to contact him. But he is very sensitive to this subject if u can imagine. But I will take all the help we can right now. Thanks again.

I don't remeber more then 10 but less then 50.

Don't you think the number of calls is important to your husband?

look it up & find out

the number of calls
and how long the calls were

Has your H asked what you talked about with OM?

Pep

where (place) & when (day/month/year) did you FIRST meet OM?

Did you "meet" OM online?

that too is very important

Pep

I met him at work in September 06. Mt the OM at work. 06. I longer work there because of this. My huband and I changed our phone numbers. Which was fine. So I can not go back and look.

so you met the man at work
had sex with him in Sept after knowing him a very short while
and your husband discovered the affair the same month ... is this all correct?

Pep

When did you quit your job?

Pep

I quit my job a short time after all this. Yes my husband found out the same month. Yes I know it was just a short time.

More annoying questions... I know

but if you want advice/support to save your M, we're going to need to know just exactly what you are up against.

You're doing fine, so far.

How much non-intercourse physical contact was there before the one-time sex act? For instance, did you give him oral? Did he feel your breasts? Did you do a lot of kissing/making out before the one time sex ?

These are important to your husband, as you know.

Finally, did you use condoms with OM? Have you been checked for STDs?

sorry.... must probe a little

The point is ... did you have sex with a near-stranger because you developed a fast affection for him, or was it all a big rush of lust?

Pep

He is a BS. I sent him an e-mail last night. I will call him later today.

L.

****** no oral and yes we did use a condom. A little kissing. No fondleing. I don't know what does it sound like to you. Was it a fast attraction or does it sound like lust?

sounds like lust to me

but I was not there

did you say ILY to each other?

Certainly, your H has asked these same questions, has he not?

Pep

What is ILY?

Is ILY (I love you) if so the answer is NO. The only man I love is my H. And that is the only man I have ever told that to.

Have you read SAA?

HERE [color:"red"] <~~~ LINK [/color]

There is work to be done ... use this book like a guide.

I hope your marriage is successful...

One more Q ... was alcohol involved with your adultery?

Pep

Thanks for the advice on the book. I actually bought it and yes it was a great book. No alcohol involved.

I am the MBer that Orchid told you about. Like she said I am a BS and I am also in the Marine Corps. I take it from your first few posts that your H is still in his first 4 yrs in the service. Is this correct? I have been in the service for 13 yrs now so I know how that first few years can really put a strain on the home. Especially if you’re H is attached to a forward deploying unit. I want to make a comment on the 30 day separation that you referred to earlier. I just want you to understand that is a mechanism to protect both of you and to give you time to cool off.

What Kuky said earlier is true about how deployments are emotionally to the service member. I want to be blunt here like Kuky was. The one thing that we count on is the foundation of the home that we have back in the US when we go on deployments. I would tell you that yes we fight for the country as a whole, but in actuality this narrows down to our home that we fight for. I pictured my children the whole time that I was gone. That was what I was fighting for.

Like Pepperband said earlier you are doing fine so far. This is not a process that happens overnight. You have aready taken some good first few steps. I would be willing to help both of you in this. I would like to know something about the area of the base that your H is stationed at. It will let me know how I can help the both of you by telling me the situation that you are both in. And yes it makes a difference believe me.

No my h is at his 12years almost 13year in service. I have to agree about it being hard the first few years. I have been with him the whole time he has been in. Yes it is a cool off period but somedays I think it is way to long because we can't even talk so I feel it is making it worse. If you don't mind where are you stationed at? We are in La and he is sitting at a desk which is driving him crazy already. He hardley leaves for work. Which I love. Because any other duty stations we have been to he was always gone. Never cheated then though. So thanks for wanting to help us. Do u think we have a shot in he ll to save this or do u think this 30 days has screwd us?

I am currently stationed in DC. I can understand the adaptation to a desk job. I made that transition about 10 years ago. It will pass with time. I have never been down to LA. Is it an area by itself or is it in a major metropolitan area? I think that everyone has a chance to make a turn around. This 30 days separation doesn’t mean that there is not a chance to fix this situation. What was the reason that the command directed the separation? Normally it is only given if there is abuse in the home or the problem at home is affecting is work. Was this the case?

Yes Lousianna is huge. Yes u are right about the abuse. But he was also drinking more do to the fact of this situation. He has never done that to me before all this happened. I really do love him though and I wish,pray and hope that this can be saved. He says he wants to cohabitate for the kids. What does that tell you? I was just thinking it might just give us a chance to work on this and hopefully make it through this.

Has his drinking got progressively worst since this started? First you have to ensure the safety of you and the kids. I am not to sure on the cohabitation issue with this kind of thing going on because you just don’t know if it will happen again. No matter what someone has done they don’t deserve abuse verbal or physical. But, at the same time it will give you the opportunity to see and interact with him everyday. But, what are the arrangements going to be in the house and how do you think the kids are going to see it if you sleep in different rooms and act differently toward one another? The thing that you must both understand is they are to be protected at all times. Yes, the best thing for them is for the both of you to work on this together and build a loving family that will nurture them and grow together. I would have to give this a lot of thought if I were in your shoes.

Yes it has gotten worse since all this. The kids are my number one prioity. Whenever I see him drinking the kids and I leave the house sometimes over night. Thats what I was thinking about cohabitating for the kids. I just hope that these 30 days have done him some good. I just hope they have made him go through counceling and anger management classes before they let him come back home. Well before he left for the 30 days we sometimes slept in diffrent rooms. But hey thanks again for the advice.

The drinking concerns me a lot. I am happy that you and the kids get out of the house when he is this way, but you shouldn’t be the one that has to leave. How long ago did you start sleeping in other rooms? Was this after the A or before? Did he not want to sleep in the same room or was it you because of his drinking? After hearing what you have told me I would not want my significant other to come live with me and the kids if they were having a drinking problem that was getting worst. That will only lead to bigger problems.

But, I am also starting to get concerned that he is having anger management issues. Has he had a problem with this before any of this started? Both of these issues must be addressed before he should be able to come back. On giving advice that is no problem. It is all part of the MB family. I came here and learned a lot from some great people. That helped me more than I could ever tell them.

Well through our "go between" my cousin. He text her to tell me that he had contacted OM boss and he said that there would be an investigation on the OM for talking to me @ work. No my H never drank or acted like this before the A. They have put him in anger management classes. Just a few day before he was removed from the house.Other then that he and I were in the same room. No he did not want to wake up and be reminded about the A. We had our good months where it seemed he was trying to get this behind him but then I guess it was to much for him to handle. I am sad for him. Because I know what I have done to his heart and sole. I have crushed him. See he is the one that has gotten me on this site he use to read it for hours. But then he quit. I wish he would just talk to someone. I miss the old Hubby.:(

Sometimes it is good to have a go between. I had one with my XW from 2001 as I have just started to converse with her recently. It makes communication easier while emotions are high. If I am not mistaken didn’t you quit that job already? Did you work for the US government or something? If not, I don’t see why there would be an investigation on the OM for talking to you at work. How long ago did he contact the OM’s boss? I can understand some what about the reminders of the A. Have you tried talking to a Chaplain there on the base? They do offer marital counseling and I think that it would help the both of you. Even if you had to go by yourself to start with it will help you deal with all of this. Glad to hear that he showed you this site. Did he ever post here? That is unfortunate that he doesn’t visit this site anymore. You are right he needs to talk to someone. I understand that you miss your old H. Unfortunately, he has started to change for the worst. He will be different from now on. That can be a good thing or it could be a bad thing. It just depends on how he works his way through this. Hopefully, he will allow both yourself and others help him.

Yes I did quit my job that him and I (OM) shared but the OM called me at his other job. Not he works for the security officers at a collage there in town. I am thinking he talked to him today. I am not to sure. He has been trying to get in contact with the OM but not sucessful. He talked to the chaplin but he said he is not turning to GOD just because his life is gone to sh it. But no I have not talked to anyone except my cousin. No I don't think he ever posted I think he just read. I understand that he has changed but it can only be for the worse if he wants it to be that way. Yeah I can only hope that he will talk to someone. He thinks all they are going to do to him is LIE to him. So I am not to sure how helpful that would be.

So the OM contacted you after you quit your job? I will tell you from experience that talking to the OM doesn’t help anything. It will only make things worst. Talking to a Chaplain doesn’t mean that you are turning to God. They have great insight a can be a good way to talk to someone without to much psycho babble. What would they lie to him about? I know that no one on this site would lie to anyone. I would talk to him, but I don’t think that he would listen right now. For all I know I might know both of you. It is a small Corps after all. It is unfortunate that he doesn’t see the gift that has been offered to him. I know a lot of BSs that would like to have the WS or FWS want to work on the marriage.

See the OM had quit the job that we had together before my hubby found out. He would come back as a fill in sometimes but not a lot. Heck you never know you may know Hubby. That would be crazy huh. I have not to OM since H found out. Almost 7 months now. I have no desire to talk to him and no desire to see him. I realized what I have done and how messed up things are. I would never do this again. Not to sure what he thinks they would lie to him about but thats what he kept saying when I would ask him to talk to a chaplin or councelor. So I am not to sure what to do. He will be coming home next week. I am really nervous about this home coming. Not to sure what to expect. No my cousin and her hubby were going through this and they have talked to him over and over again and nothing really. I would love to work on it. I even took and dropped off a book about SAA and I am not to sure what he will do with it. Probably have a bomb fire..LOL. I hope he does read it because I bought it today and read it and then took it to him. I really think it has some really good info in it for him. I am doing everything in my power to prove to him that I am here for the long haul. Because it is a uphill battle for us. I just hope he wants to go uphill battle with me.

I can see where your husband would have some anger problems. According to your story, you love your husband, things were going well, he was away for his job, and you met a guy at work and had sex with him, all in less than a month. It "just happened" and you don't know why. Is that correct?

Hey I never said I didn't understand why he's angry. It is the way he deals with his anger. See it took me awhile to reply to you because of ur post. Yes that is the way it happened. I Fu cked up I know I did.

He is not dealing with his anger well. That is for sure. He should not be drinking, and if there is physical violence, you need to keep him out of the home.

Have you written him a letter letting him know how much you regret what you chose to do? Have you figured out how to keep something like that from happening again? Have you decided to take extraordinary precautions so it could never happen again?

Also, there is the whole problem of the Marines. They really look hard at instances of DV. He could get tossed out of the Corps.

So I can see why he is angry.

No I have not written him a letter or anything because I can not talk to him. Before they took him for 30 days I had told him over and over again how sorry I am. But he seems like he really doesn't care. So I am not to sure whats going to happen. Hey I can see why he is angery but he needs to learn and deal with it in a better way. I love him with all my heart and soul but I can not have him drinking in my house ever again and I pray he is getting help while he is out of the house so he can come home and deal with this like adults.

You can't get tossed out of the military for getting divorced. I don't know where you heard that from, but it's not true.

DV = domestic violence

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I have to brush up on my abbreviations.

I just wanted to say thanks for all the advice but I don't think is going to work our. I put a book in Hubby truck yesterday and he sadi he THREW THAT STUPID BOOK IN THE TRASH. So I guess I guess this is it. I am just thankful I found this site through all this. You all gave me hope but now thinks its done. I just hope this is what he wants. Because D is forever. Thanks again every1

Maybe putting it in his truck wasn't quite the right thing to do. Maybe giving it some time will let him work through his hurt. When my XW told me, it took me a while, and her doing that to me, may have upset me too.

You are willing to give up fairly easily. Just realize that it takes about 2 years to start feeling normal again after a person has been betrayed.

Hey I just think he has given up on me and it tears me apart.I do not want to give up but I think he is through with me. I am truely sadened. But I am just not sure if he can get pass this. Let me know if I am making a mistake. Please. Any advice is welcomed.

I have givin it since September 06. SO I am not to sure how much more time he needs to read a book that will help him along. I did not put that in his truck to piss him off or anything. I was truely thinking he would read it and get some insite on how he can be helped and how this marriage can be saved. See there is not a day that goes by that he is not pissed off. And belive me I do understand why he is so upset and pissed but there has to be a time when we finally say OK it is time to work on this. I do truely love him with all my heart and soul.

I found out about my then wife's affair in October, 06.

We are now divorced.

Maybe since he is still around, there is still something you can salvage.

I am still extremely hurt, and honestly I don't know how long it will take me to really get past what she did to me.

It does take time, a lot of it.

I know Kuky but I am not to sure if he wants the M anymore. But I guess I will have to wait and see when he comes home.

If you want to save your M then you need to give him time. I understand that you are wondering how long it is going to take him to try and move past you’re A, but unfortunately everyone is different. For example, it took me four to five years to move past it and be able to interact with her again in any way other than about business. It takes time to get past major emotional trauma like this. And yes that is what an A is to the BS. What you can concentrate on is making yourself a better spouse and mother. That will show him more than anything that you could say that you mean business about saving the marriage. This way if he doesn’t come around you are ready and able to move on and be a better person and mother. I am not condoning his behavior at all. His abuse of you and the drinking are things that no one should have to deal with. There is no excuse for that. No matter what you did. But let me ask you. Is this the behavior of the man that you want to still be married to? You are thinking about the man that he was before this all started. You need to look at how he is acting now and he needs to better himself just as much as you do.

Well hey he has told cousin that we are done. He filed for divorce. So I guess that is the answer to my question. Thanks again every1.

Sorry to hear that. But, you can still work on yourself. Because you never know what can happen. You can still learn a lot from the people that are here and they don't mind helping you.