Thanks for the reply ML. It looks like you have a fair amount of experience with this.

I am struggling with this greatly. My wife confided in a mutual friend and has gone to a christian counselor and we will go together in the future, not sure when yet. I feel like if I go and tell the OM wife at this point, it would send what little recovery we have into a tail spin. I just don't know what to do here.

I feel like if I tell the OMW the marriage will end. It has been pretty dead for some time. Wow, just writing that sounds stupid. I am torn... This is all so foriegn to me.

wait, your marriage is more likely to end if you DON'T tell her. As long as the OMW doesn't know, your W is free to pursue her H. It is more likely to end the affair, not the marriage. The chances that the affair will end are much greater when exposed because affairs thrive on secrecy.

By keeping their dirty secret for them, you ENABLE the affair. You don't help your marriage in any way by helping them hide the affair, wait.

Don't enable the affair, wait.


You are not in recovery, my friend, and won't be until contact completely and totally ends. As long as the OMW remains in ignorance, that door is open.

So, ML, what would be a good way to do that? Would it be best in person, a letter, with the OM there, with a shotgxx? (sorry).

hehe, no shotgun! I would place a call to her house when you think the OM is not here, disguising your # with *67. Tell her who you are, that you are sorry to make this call, and give her all the facts. Give her your name and phone # for followup. Ask her to agree to touch base with you so you can both compare notes to ensure the affair does stay ended.

Afterwards, your W will probably find out from the OM and lash out at you with a fury you have never seen. This is because your exposure has INTERFERED with the affair. She wanted to leave that door open but your exposure ruined that plan. Which is GOOD!

So, expect fury, but be prepared to NOT react to it. You will be bombarded with WS blather like "I was going to work things out with you, but now I'm not," blah, blah, blah. It is almost TEXT BOOK. You have just done the equivalent of taking the crack pipe frm a crack head, so just expect this so you won't be surprised. Do not allow yourself to be baited into a fight or let it scare you. It will blow over quickly, I promise you.

Your wife WILL respect you more than she has in a long time for taking this step.

ML,
I have to tell you I am scared to death to do that. I will need to pray about it. It does sound like the right thing and I have read some of your reasoning in other posts. It is only fair to her. Ahhhhh I hate this. Confrontation I dont do well.

"I need time"

...watch battery is dead.

"I need space"

...check Virgin Galactic launch schedules.

Call when you get work.

-ol' 2long

Understand. It is very hard to do and none of us like confrontation. But difficult situations require some very difficult actions, wait. You are in a very bad situation and it will take a great deal of strength to resolve it.

I had to do this once, and I absolutely did not want to do it. It was heartbreaking. But I knew it was the right thing to do and God expected it of me. To think otherwise is to believe he wants us to aide and abet evil, which we both know he doesn't.

One scripture that really helped me step up to the plate was Philippians 4:13: I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:11

Wait,
You mentioned your wife is reading a book entitled "Torn Asunder"...That is a book about the 19th century division of the Christian Church and churches of Christ.
I perceive that the two of you are very religious, but this is no time to be soft. "Grace" doesn't tolerate or excuse sin. It forgives sin of which there has been repentance. Long as your wife is continuing her affair, she is neither "walking in the light", nor dwelling in a state of grace. Harley's Rule No. 1 --DON"T PUT UP WITH IT...Expose Expose Expose!! Don't be afraid of confrontation. You can do all this and not sin. Now is the time to step up and be a man. Be the spiritual leader in the home that God wants you to be. She will respect your strength, not your fear and enabling.

Chapter 8
You are thinking of a different book. This one is Torn Asunder, Recovering from Extramarrital Affairs. It basically repeats a lot of stuff on this website. Expose, non contact, learning to meet the unmet needs that led to the A, etc.

It is funny you mention the Church of Christ which is how I came to know christ initiatlly. I do not go there now because I feel they are very legalistc. But grace is recieving something you do not deserve.

I did read in corinthians where the list of what love is and one of them is that Love rejoices in the truth. I am thinking about the application of that right now. I know for me, it is a big relief to not be hiding anymore. Shame is such a destructive emotion.

Torn Asunder is an excellent book for her to be reading. That makes me hopeful for your recovery.

But please follow Mel's advice. She is telling you how to save your marriage. She helped me so much, even though I ended up divorced. Do what she says - expose to the OM's wife. It will not end either marriage, but will give them a chance at recovery. I promise you that.

Don't put it off. Do it.

Beliver,
Thanks for the encouragement. I am considering it and will seek advice as well. A wise man seeks councel.

Right now she doesn't like kissing me and is having a hard time being affectionate. I know she is trying but she is struggling with the P issue that I struggled with. I don't know if it is mourning over the loss of the OM, the family illnesses and death, or just disgust at me. It is very confusing. I am just hanging on right now. It was a bad night with many bad thought of the A.

Beliver, what happened in your marriage to cause it to end?

will, a wise man does not use this advice as a way to avoid conflict when he already knows the right answer. You have received much counsel on this and you know what the Bible says. You won't receive any credible, moral "counsel" that will contradict that advice. To not warn the OM's wife about this affair so she can protect herself and have a chance to save her marriage too, is not "counsel" that would come from a Christian viewpoint because it is harmful and only serves the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, will, don't help the affair by helping them hide it from their victims.

Mel,
Thanks for keeping up with me. You are a stickler. I am going to talk to a marriage counsler I have seen and have a fair amount of respect for concerning infidelity. I have done a few stupid things through this process and I am trying to avoid hearing or reading something and running off and doing it. I can be impulsive and harsh at times and I am trying not to do that. At this point a few days are not going to matter.

I have a question for you since I believe you are a woman. How do you view the use of porn. I have not been a heavy user or got into strange stuff, but where does this fit in regards to infidelity for you?

Exposure should happen all at once...to everyone short of putting up a billboard!

His wife should know, your in-laws should know. Mutual friends that might be involved between you all and that couple should be told.

Do it all at once and do it now. Your wife will get ticked off!! But as MelodyLane always says...your marriage can survive anger, it cannot survive continued contact.

W4M

I agree *COMPLETELY* with ML. Here is a perfect example of why you absolutely MUST expose this A to the OM's wife and immediately.

I was the BS. My H had a 5 month long A w a former friend. He ended it in early March, and the OW's H just happened to catch them together on that day. Again, let me repeat - the A allegedly ended on that day. The OW's H did NOT expose to me. I found out 3 months later on my own. And guess what? The A continued for those 3 months. During that time, my H and the OW continued because they only had one person ( OW's H ) to contend with and lie to.

The A did NOT end until I found out a full 3 months later, when reality beat the crap out of them both. Had I not found out - I have little doubt the A would have continued indefinitely.

Had the OW's H exposed to me when he knew, the A would have been blown apart and ended that day. I asked the OW's H why he didnt tell me when he knew and he said that he was afraid of losing her and that if I knew and my H and I split up, it mightve meant the end for them.

Those situations do happen, but not often. Generally, once the A is exposed to spouses, in laws, friends and the workplace - the people involved quickly come to realize what a fantasy the entire thing is and are snapped back to their senses.

By not exposing to the OW's W - you are absolutely enabling the A to continue

Now, about your question on porn ( even though you didnt ask me...) It's hard to answer that question because I dont know the extent of your involvement. If it was something that was done in secret and excluded your wife, I can understand her feelings of hurt and betrayal. If you included her, thats another matter altogether. I can say though, as a woman and a BS that to compare an affair with a porn habit is a very unfair comparison, in my opinion. I think that is an excuse for your W to behave the way she has. It is important for the WS to be able to somehow blame the BS in some way because if they didnt, then they would have to face the ugly truth about themselves.



out ( on my own, through cell phone records)

Bingo! WS's have to justify what they're doing (even if it is only subconsciously), so they come up with reasons why your marriage was flawed. I suspect that her inability to connect with you is more about withdrawal from OM. It will take time.

Also, you should absolutely expose to OMW. In my case, the affair went on another five months or so because OMW didn't tell me when she found out. They supposedly "stopped." Right.

I think porn is scummy but it has absolutely nothing to do with your situation at hand. It might be something you address in future marriage counseling, but right now you have bigger fish to fry. The Titanic is sinking and your past porn use is like the peeling paint in the girls bathroom. Take care of the peeling paint AFTER you have righted the Titanic.

wait, does he have Dr Harley's credentials? If you are making your exposure to the OMW contingent upon his opinion, you should understand that any MC who counsels against this does not know what he is talking about and does not understand infidelity. AND MOST DON'T. Most are QUACKS when it comes to MC, which is why marriage counseling has the highest failure rate out of any other speciality. Anyone who would tell you NOT to expose is giving you bad advice.

Dr. Harley is a licensed, world reknowned PSYCHOLOGIST who specializes in infidelity [and best selling author] and he would tell you without hesitation to EXPOSE THE AFFAIR. No one credible will counsel you otherwise.

You are dragging your feet, wait, I can recognize conflict avoidance when I see it.