After learning of H's affair 3 months ago (coming home early from work & finding them together), he still refuses to end it. So, two days ago, I resorted to "Plan B". I thought I made it clear that we were to have no contact while the affair was still on. Well, today he just pops in, telling me he is lonely and misses me. He wants me to do something with him tomorrow. He says he is trying to sort things out, and that passion without a commitment is not a relationship. He is trying to buy more time. Indicates it will end in a "couple of months". I think he is hoping things will cool off on her end. But, I also think he is desperately trying to re-establish a romantic relationship with me and that's why he wants to do things together. What do I do?? I am terrified as I don't want him to continue hurting me. Help me!!

tell him to stop coming around...you are nobaodys SECOND CHOICE. until he decides to commit 100% to this relationship , leave you alone.<BR>If you can, try and rearrange your schedule so he cannot "pop" in, make him wonder where you are. <BR>theres my 2 cents.

Plain and simple huh Cov? I agree.

Sidney - I agree with covenant and Paul with the following adder:<P>consider changing the locks on the house.<P>My W did the same thing to me...she would come over whenever she needed something. this was after the Plan B letter where I stated clearly that I couldn't see or talk to her until it was over. She never bothered to call to schedule visits to get things...she would just barge in and send me into the deep pit again.<P>I stopped that by installing a lock on the storm door. Now she can't get in.

Sometimes you just can't get through their thick head!!! I am doing plan B.. H knows that seeing him just hurts as long as I know OW/OC spend time with him, and yet...<P>He shows up at the door...wanting to cuddle?<P>What is this anyway, I think they want to keep both doors open till the figure it out and I can't see how to stop a strong willed man from just doing what he wants... I agree<BR>with sidney, I just get tired of the hurting.<P>cozy

Thank you all for your insight & shared experiences. It really helps to know that I am not alone in this nightmare. I was strong & stood my ground and refused to see him on Friday. Told him that I did not want to be part of a "three-some" & I felt he was just trying to buy more time. Of course I fell apart after hanging up the phone. Even though he has punched a hole in my soul, it's still hard to hurt someone when you still have feelings for them.

Sidney: Your h sounds like a carbon copy of mine.. I thought by being clear in the letter, he would get the point, but he would come over, mow the grass, pay the bills, fix things, leave me notes, page me.. I only responded to the business aspects of our marriage (financial, etc),, not to his emotional comments and questions.. That really bothered him... He started to see he really would lose me... ow could not meet all his needs.. he was living with her,, but calling me.. but I didnt give him that because it was pretty hard on me.. I did at least acknowledge some things,,, but for the most part it was a total seperation...<BR>Well Sidney,, the good news is... that after a 2 month seperation,, my h moved home and has been home for 4 months.. he has struggled on and off with withdrawal and its finally starting to get better... <BR>It is hard when they come home, but its worth it...

Wow. Thanks so much Mickey, for the positive words! Throughout this 3 month ordeal, I have had very little hope, followed by huge periods of despair. Deep down, I feel that H really regrets his huge error in judgement. Time & again he has told me is is wracked by guilt. (But after the ultimate betrayal, I find myself doubting his sincerity. Is he simply pulling my strings?) I am beginning to get the feeling that the "romance" with OW is starting to get small cracks. Last month, we went away together for 5 days & he didn't tell OW he was going on vacation. He found out after we returned that she went 'beserk' and was calling everyone imaginable trying to locate him. I think that bothered him (lovebuster!). Then later on, during our conversation, when I was broaching the subject of Plan B, he muttered "Why am I so weak?" He came back 48 hours later and tried to 'negotiate' by delaying another couple of months, and I stood my ground & refused to see him. So, for the last day and a half, I have been having doubts as to whether I gave Plan A enough time. He insists he 'loves me' on one level but is numb on another (Desire). Why is it always about the male ego???? We have always been 'best friends', so needless to say this has been devastating. But, thanks again for the encouraging words. I have so little to hang onto these days. I hope you and your H continue to mend and that you create the most wonderful marriage that you both deserve!!

Hang on my friend Sydney:: I see a lot of good signs and a lot of similarities....<BR>I did not give plan A much time at all,,, and that is because I didnt know about it.. I kicked him out 3 weeks after discovery, cuz I knew he saw her again...!! So much for the Harley principles.. I then read his book... and learned a lot... <BR>I was in a plan B, but didnt know it.. Then I sent him a letter because he was trying to get his needs met by both of us,,, plus, I couldnt take seeing him.. or hearing from him as long as he was with her!! But I was nice... I told him I loved him etc...<BR>Anyhow,,, Those little cracks you see in his relationship are good.. You see, I can already tell from ow actions when he went on vacation she wont be able to handle this and will screw up... and thats how the affairs end or die their natural death.. It helps your H to see ow as not perfect.. Helps kick him out of fantasy land.... <BR>Sidney: You be the good guy here,, you be the strong one....Whether it be plan a or b make sure H knows what he is gonna lose with you.....<BR>If you can, educate your H on affairs by leaving him a book or chapts. in books.. I did this with my h and it was a real eye opener.. Specifically.. After an Affair has some real good chapters in it about Romantic vs. mature love.. States romantic love always fades and changes into mature love... and dont be fooled.. to make your decision to stay with spouse on cognitive rather than emotional reasons, because the intensity of the emotions always fade, and most people that do leave find out too late..<BR>Also, Chapt. 13 of Private Lies:: The defects of a marriage to op.. talks about the tiny chances that you h would have at having a successful relationship with ow,,, and all of the reasons....<BR>It really helped for him to read this stuff.. Also have him read Harleys stuff about withdrawal and addiction.. I think it helps them to understand things better to know that it is an addiction and that the withdrawal from ow may be the reason why they cant be happy immediately when he comes home to you.. He is gonna have to patient!!<P>In my case,,, the ow started really begging him to leave me (I think that is awful),, even after he broke it off with her he had a couple of contacts with her and she would beg him... Then,,, she made the biggest mistake.. She bought a home as close as she possibly could to us,, and made comments to freinds that she couldnt wait for my h and i to see her mowing her lawn in her G string bikini... Well, needless to say,,, this didnt make her look good at all.. Her nickname at work is fatal attraction.. All my h freinds have really told him how awful it was,, and H agrees... You see we had worked and scrimped and saved to build our beautiful dream house.. and only have been here a year,, We have now talked about moving because of her and its just the sickest thing she could have done... BUT:: My h said the other day: "I wont ever let her force us to move" He is pisses.. (He should be)... He even said he would file a PPO against her if she continued her nonsense..<BR>So... It has helped that her true colors have shown through... but not just the move Sidney.. its all the other stuff too.. Lack of morals.,,,begging him to leave me and not giving a damn about what he or I had to lose.. Another thing that my H has said over and over.. I meet all of his needs,,, and there is nothing she could ever offer him that he didnt have at home,,, so logically (when they start finally thinking that way).. it doesnt make sense for him to trade me in for her,, and lose everything including self respect in the end...<BR>Hang in there.. keep me posted.. I will be here for you to get you through the rough spots... remember no lovebusters... its hard.. I have slipped a couple of times...

Mickey, as I read your last couple of lines, I started to cry. I'm sure you know how much it means to have people express a willingness to help you through your darkest days. If nothing else positive comes of this suffering, I have had the great fortune of having some of the most kind and caring individuals come into my life. I have developed a truly wonderful friendship with a lady I work with. She is my therapy and I can confide some of my most intimate and darkest secrets to her, and she listens and understands without trying to tell me what to do. But most importantly, we laugh and make jokes about some of the insanity. Funny how, even in the most tragic situations, you can always find a little humor! Two months ago, when I went to my PCP (a lady doctor) for an antidepressant as I was just a step away from a nervous breakdown, she said "No Charge" to the billing clerk as I was taking out my checkbook to pay. The money was incidental; it was the gesture that meant the world to me.<BR>I was so excited today when I saw that you had replied to my posting! You have walked in my shoes and I truly value what you have to say. I am going out to purchase the book you mention as H's birthday is in a couple of days. I have been in a quandry as to what to get him. I had already bought & read "His Needs, Her Needs" and gave it to H to read. And, I have printed off reams of articles from Harley's website & also given them to H to read.<BR>I look forward to your future posts. Thanks again for being there...