Sl,

Glad you are having a better day. Amazing what the kids can do.

Mine were always my light to help me realize no matter how it ended something beautiful came about because of it that made all the pain worth it.

Above is another message received from WH. I have bolded what I'm looking for...

...'and miles to go before I sleep'...

((((((SL)))))

Thinking of you today. Sometimes I think it is better that my hope is gone. This email from your WH has to keep that little thread of hope alive, how could it not? Letting go is easier when the hope has dwindled.

At this point, I'd be thrilled just with the acknowledgement from my WH that he messed up and is sorry. Right now, he doesn't think he is wrong and he is certainly not sorry.

You are a great lady, SL. Happiness will find you.

Fox

Did this just come in?

Very interesting email. Can you keep waiting for him to "turn words into actions"?

I am in Plan B for a reason beyond moving on. I'm in Plan B to LET GO, to which I am doing.

Plan B= holding vigil with my little ember, fanning it lovingly now and then. When I lose all hope, I will let it die. I'm not prepared to give up just yet, but I'm not going back into anything without him fixing HIS problems without prompting from me. He's grown and probably should learn how to HEAR himself. He can't fix his M without knowing about himself.

Fox, I still hear, from your own posts, that you still think of your H, and maybe to some extent, wish he would show up. I also hear that all of the combative conversations and struggles you have had are emptying that love bank. Separate the Wayward from the H. They are not the same.

((((((SL))))))) Stay strong

I have heard this from WH before, so I'm not inclined to lend it too much credence. It's really all him now. I hope he can make it back, but I'm not banking on him CHOOSING to fall out of love with OW and come home.

I know that he doesn't WANT to break up his family, but he currently IS. I need some serious show from him. He's still living with OW, sleeping with OW, hanging out with friends WITH OW, having a great time with OW. I don't see him family in that pic at all.

So, like I said, the ember is still hot...

I read that email a few times now. How can he live like that? If there was any sincerity in it at all you think it would totally destroy a person.

You have been very strong for a very long time now SL. Your day will come. It really will.

I think it is destroying him. He will either get help and get out of his toxic cycle, or he will lose himself in it completely.

Have you ever seen the movie "What Dreams May Come". Well, I liken my WH's current state to the time when Robin Williams characters wife was in h3ll, and slowly forgetting her life (after she killed herself), slowly forgetting her H and children. His character traversed h3ll to find her, and at one point, he decided to join her, to not leave her alone, even though he would be driven mad.

WH is the wife in that analogy. He is losing sight of his existence. He has suffered much loss in his life, and was looking to feel good. Well, in that carpricious moment, he ruined his life. I suppose there are many Waywards that get to this point. I think many ignore this pain and move on, not looking back at the path of destruction. ( I will not be joining him in h3ll, so don't worry about me losing my mind) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I know, deep, right?

Well, here's the thing, when my H pops his head up, I KNOW HIM. He's asking me to hold on, without asking. I'm holding on, DESPITE his asking. He MAY NOT make it out of the fog, he may succomb to it's grasp and never return again. I think this is truly his last chance to survive and he knows it.

It's got to be a bad time to wake up and know that you did this ALL. Again, I would never relish his position. I am pained regularly and his choices are probably 3/4 of that pain, but I pain myself, too, by expectations. Those are pretty low these days.

Let's put it this way. I have to pay my lawyer a retainer to keep her, and the time has come to pay again. I will be cutting that check. The time has come to move WH's things out of our home and claim it to be my space ALONE. It is me letting go. Que sera, sera...

You know me. I probably would have related it to a Harpo and Chico Marx scene or Bill Murray's Carl Spackler vs the groundhog in Caddyshack.

.....Whatever will be will be

"...The Dalai Lama, himself...; "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consiousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.!"

"License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations....To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint......They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong."

Maybe LilSis can call RT the Varmint Cong...

"So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote." - Carl Spackler

That's why I keep coming back here; superior intelligence and superior firepower.

(((Silent))),

Just catching up on your thread. And I feel alot of what you feel. At times I thought plan B wasn't suppose to hurt as much.

I too feel like I lost an appedage. I felt it even more during this trip I took with DD... we had fun. But going through the airports I felt I really needed him
there with me. And it hit really big time.

Still

{{{SL}}} I can relate, I felt the same during my ordeal only I wasn't in ANY plan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. It just feels like they're lost forever. I got to the point where you are now. I could have easily chosen to walk away then, but I didn't. Believe me, it was so very very hard. You can only do what's best for you and only you know what that is.

Just thinking about you and praying for the best outcome for YOU.

SL, your response to his email is entirely appropriate, but I think it is a reason to keep occasionally fanning that ember. It's positive. Give it time. You can do it--you are incredibly strong and know your own self-worth.

Weird place for me today. The only movie quotes I can think of are from Unforgiven or "Say hello to my little friend" from Scarface. What's that all about?

Still, you did a good thing, taking those steps to venture out on your own, and the worst that happened was being triggered and feeling a NEED. Well, you made it home safe and sound, and hopefully, you had some good laughs while away.

ooooo, Chris, good one...I'll remember that one daily.

princessmeggy, I was hoping you would check in. Following your story has given me a touch more hope that I did not have before. Receiving unsolicited communications such as I posted, from my WH, give me insight. They, by no means, make anything better, or propel my M into the recovery realm.

I will stay in Plan B until such a time that I am in recovery or after a D, and in that case, I will always have to protect myself from WH, because I do love my H, and will not want to have the pain of watching him with OP for a long time; probably not until I move on with someone else myself.

princess, I look forward to you posting more on your story. It really does help.

Plan B is still appropriate at that point, Jennifer tells me, because if you have to move on, you will need to protect your new relationship from this one.

You're not there yet, though.

sdguy, the quote that I always have rummaging around in my head, just waiting for the right opportunity is "Go to the mattresses" from the Godfather. It is so appropriate here.

I also have, "just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, what do we do, we swim..." from Dory in FINDING NEMO.

or, one of my faves, good ole Dirty Harry "You gotta ask yourself, 'Do I feel lucky?'. Well, do ya, PUNK!"

OR just about anything from Tommy Boy (I heard a niner in there, were you calling from a Walkie-Talkie?) or When Harry Met Sally (Sheldon can do your taxes, but humpin and pumpin is not Sheldon's strong suit), or The Holy Grail (BRING US....A SHRUBBERY!!)

sdguy, like I said to you, if you feel insincerity when you talk to someone, as with your wife, then there is a hole in that ship of theirs. Your wife shows no real conviction here, no strength in purpose. Regret may start to be a constant bedfellow of many a WS dealing with Plan B.

Oooo, thanks for filling me in with what Jennifer says about Plan B. I always sensed that it was what would be best for me if things ended. Not to hold on to the love anymore, but the protection aspect.

I will try to look for solice there as Panzergruppfuehrer Wayzilla's column of King Tiger tanks overrun my sandbag berm. My official Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot Range model air rifle with a compass in the stock that tells time can't seem to stop them. Oh well, I'd probably just shoot my eye out anyway.

To quote Arthur's Knights after their gallant charge on the bunny, "Run Away!!"

Okay, that helps.

"It means Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes."

"Skipper, shouldn't we tell them the ship is out of gas?" "Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave."

"What? Behind the rabbit?" "No, it IS the rabbit." "He's got a mean streak in him a mile wide."

Not relevant, but makes me feel a bit better.