Saying he is doing a good job might make him feel that you are watching him

LA,

People always tell me I'm patient. I don't think of myself as patient. Inside, I'm tapping my mental foot, and screaming, "hurry up" most of the time ;-)

Truthfully, my job requires more patience than Job. Sometimes, with some of my patients, I do the same task, over and over and over.......countless times. Sometime 150 or 200 times before they are able to get it right. And I have to be upbeat, cheering them on. It gets tough sometimes, and inside my head, there's little ol' me, screaming = "Man, what can I do to get you to get this?????"

On the outside, I show nothing but the cheerleader. The "patience". So inside, I guess I'm yelling at LA, saying,

LISTEN to your husband in ways that don't involve what he

SAYS.

Because your husband speaks volumes in what he does.

So me patient? I'm really not. What I tell them is that I don't have patience, I have hope and knowlege - and together they tell me that the future can be better if we want it to be better. All we have to do is change the things we do that make today lousy!


Easier said than done, I know.



Let's look at what he does.

He buries his head in a pillow - yes, how much more could he possibly communicate the hurt he himself felt and remorse for what he had done? He cried, he could not even look you in the face. He hid his own face - tried to bury it in fact - rather than look at you. Wow. A treatise on his own guilt and remorse.

You look for words, but he gives you so much more than words could ever say. LOOK for it.

He plans a vacation, the effort to give you time away, together, to make memories of loving times, to rebuild, to reconnect, to give you new moments to look at and say

"this was good".

But he didn't use words......

You look for words.


Instead, look for what he DOES. Because his communication is in his action. He is the type of person who gives by acts of service, by acts of giving to you. His communication is by body language, obviously - but you look for words. Try looking past the words. Listen to his words, yes, but listen to what

HE MEANS

and not the exact words he uses.


Listen to his touch
His actions
When he brings you coffee
Or mows the grass

Because this man you married "talks" in other ways.

So your change is that you need to "listen" in other ways.

As for the question you asked about recovering the marriage and going on, and never talking about what happened.

I think that if you lay the groundwork, and if you are patient (there's that word), then something magical will happen right before your eyes. You just don't trust that it will right now.

You're like I am.

Inside, you are screaming "HURRY" and "TALK TO ME", only your insides are spilling over to the outside.

Hold it back. Let it rest for a bit.

Because the thing that needs to happen is that your husband needs to have time, without pressure, to let this thing rise up on its own to be told. He will tell you. But you are not safe. Not yet.

You still don't "hear" him right. And he knows that.

So, put on the new ears. And keep the inside screamer from spilling out - let your patient side show, the loud one stays inside. (Like me.)

The magical thing happens ..........

He feels safe.
And months down the road, he opens up the door.
And you get a moment - and you take

ONLY A MOMENT

and keep him safe

to talk a bit about the affair and his feelings. When this happens, don't make it a marathon. Let him lead you. Be gentle. It keeps him safe, and ensures a return trip to the talking table.

And ensures he will open up again.


You see, once he knows he is safe, you WILL talk about this. You won't go on forever and not talk about it. But you probably will go a couple of months until he's sure you aren't going to leave him, and that you won't LB. And that you listen and hear his MESSAGE, and not just his phraseology or semantics or one specific word.

Give him credit when he does something wonderful.


You hang in there, LA. It sounds like the book is a good one for you.

And start touching your husband again.

Because he liked it. And so did you. Don't run away from him.

Don't run away from love.



One last thing:

There are two ways of looking at things, I think.

You can come from a position of fear.
You can come from a position of love.

When you talk to him, make the choice - fear or love - first, then talk to him.

If you choose love - watch the difference in the way your conversations go. You won't believe your eyes. Or your marriage.
SB

I often feel that my show of any weakness, be it depression, or physical ailment, causes PWC (now and in the past) to find me UNATTRACTIVE. I even thought this before the A's. I was always so STRONG, physically and mentally