You have CONTROL OVER YOUR MIND...

Let's make a PACT!!!

Decide TODAY that you will ABSOLUTELY NOT LOSE YOUR SPARK..NO MATTER WHAT..Do not let ANYONE take away YOUR SPARK...

Get yourself some SARK BOOKS...

JOY, JOY, JOY..down in your heart..act as if..put that gleam back in your eye...

Get you some dancing music..if you can't dance..IMAGINE YOURSELF dancing...

YOU ARE A WARRIOR GODDESS...

Cmon, SL, don't MAKE A CHOICE to be SAD...

Now that's depressing... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

BTW, WONDERFUL NEWS THAT HE GOT YOU THOSE COOKIES!!

He's noticing the weight loss and is THANKFUL..thinks you are doing it for him...LIKES THAT...

AND...they LOVE TO NURTURE...

Ignore the other crap....

Move onward with GETTING YOUR GLOW BACK..no matter what...

You may have to go back into TIME OUT if I hear about this again....

Did you used to like to color? I was thinking about buying a coloring book and crayons..I could't find the book I wanted yesterday..was in a rush..

How about new stuff from VS? FOR YOURSELF..not him...to help you FEEL PRETTY..at night..despite his seeming REJECTION...something NEW for each night..IT'S FUN!!!

It's OK to HAVE FUN and to ENJOY YOUR LIFE..NO MATTER WHAT...

I know, I know. I think it's the monthly cycle that puts me back in a negative state of mind. My first step has been recognizing the pattern. Next, is the figure out ways in which to BREAK that pattern.

I want it back, I will get it back. Reading here and posting have helped these last few days. Also, looking around the world (world events) and putting my existence into perspective has helped. I HAVE so much.

I did see his putting thought into something FOR me as lovely; things he used to do, all the time, so taken for granted. THat's not me anymore, though, and I'm glad for it.

GLOW RETRIEVAL in progress. Thanks for the kick in the pants, as usual, Mimi. I like your line about ignoring the other crap. It is crap.

I know, right. What happens to us when Dday occurs? What changes in our brains? Are we so engulfed in emotion and fight or flight that this becomes our norm? It's been horrible realizing my spark was gone.

What did I let myself become? When did I force my spark into the back seat and let sister serious take shot gun. I just don't like it.

I have been trying to find some nice, lacey stuff. Can't find anything I like at VS, but will look elsewhere. Too much reinforcement going on there these days. I don't need all that support for now. I'm looking for something more sheer. I'll find it; there are a gazillion places to search for lingerie and underlings on the web.

It's strange, how it takes someone reminding you that you don't need permission to enjoy your life. Too serious over in my camp.

I found some FUN undies at WALMART..my H LOVED them..I have more SURPRISES for him..and he GIGGLED when I said that...LOVE IT..you'll get here with PWC or someone..who knows??!!

Check out a couple of my MOTIVATIONAL QUOTES from a few days ago...

"Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm"-Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Act as if it were impossible to fail"-Unknown

SL,

I've been struggling with DEPRESSION most of my life and, of course, was extremely DEPRESSED after D-day and continue to STRUGGLE with it...the big D CORE of mine...

I've CHOSEN TO FIGHT IT..'cause at heart I'm like you.. a fun-loving person with lots of "GLEAM"(?) I know that's one of the major things that's ATTRACTIVE about me to my H and it's what I LOVE ABOUT MYSELF..I'd LOST MYSELF and I've FOUND MYSELF AGAIN...

You have to FIGHT DEPRESSION..ON PURPOSE..you can't just give into it and let it win...

CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS and you will CHANGE YOUR ACTIONS..I GUARANTEE YOU...

MAKE A CHOICE TO FIGHT IT...

Yes, I'm inviting you to come out and play with me..don't make even THAT a BAD THING...

How WONDERFUL that we can PLAY TOGETHER...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

BTW..Pain meds can cause you to be DEPRESSED....

Yeah, I don't take any meds right now. I don't take them unless absolutely necessary. I actually have a pretty high tolerance for pain, so I'm getting used to this level; it's not so bad, more annoying at times than anything.

I've never had depression before this last two years. This is ALL so new to me, but, the upside is I am learning so much about myself, my strength. It's just gotten way too serious for my lighthearted soul, and it's time to play.

I've always used humor to help MYSELF through the hard times; I've always been the bright side type of gal. Back to basics...

Pep, BR and Susan encouraged me to start having FUN again when I was in your very same spot...

I'm passing it on...

And here I am..A WILD WOMAN... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I had a mini breakdown this past Saturday. I was in my bedroom, taking off my shoes, when I began sobbing, asking God to guide me, to help me with my pain, to show me some way to keep going. I then laid on my bed and cried and then slept for a couple of hours, on and off. I was mulling over in my head how to tell PWC that I couldn't continue. That I am DONE.

I didn't say anything to him about it. He had no idea of my struggle or crying. None of this is very easy to admit here. I know that I am to focus on myself, but I'm in a dead marriage. My husband doesn't touch me EVER, at all. There is something Soooooo wrong with that.

I try to remind myself of what others have said here, regarding withdrawal; that it could take him 6 months or more--technically, it would be December for him. I just don't see much difference between when he came home until now, except for him pulling FURTHER away, and no SF, no touching. I know that marriage is not all about affection and attention.

I guess I feel like the consolation prize again. Maybe if PWC shared his personal struggle with me, I would feel better, knowing that he was fighting the demons in order to remain in his marriage. I just can't go on like this.

******. I don't know what to tell you, SL. When you last spoke with Jennifer, what did she tell you? How long to keep going the way you were?

You wanted to see some stuff, and you still haven't seen it. I'm upset that he's not willing to do MC. Is that still the case?

Call if you want to talk.

(((SL)))

Thanks Guy Smiley!

Jennifer told me that I was in a tight spot, basically. That I needed to do what *I* could to bring things around. To try and figure out what his needs are (since he would not talk about it, or do MB, or counseling) and to fill those as best I could. She told me to include him in outtings, by telling him that "I would love it if...". She told me to do this for one more month and then to call her again, and we would see. She was wary of him not trying to help me heal, or how 'disconnected' he seemed, according to what I told her. Since she had spoken to him before, she was concerned that he was NOW unwilling to counsel with her and me.

I just can't forsee a major turn around in him. Not to the point to convince me to continue. I feel for my son in all of this, but I cannot continue like THIS. If there is some suggestion as HOW to continue I"m all ears. I cannot afford Jennifer right now. Between my car (tires) and the dogs, I'm tapped out until the new year.

I may have been through too much to be willing to take what SEEM like crumbs from him now. I had already endured affair number one and false recovery 1 and 2 by the time I entered Plan B ( I hadn't found MB until well into our first false recovery). It may be too little too late. I honestly don't know what to do, so in these moments, I feel it's better to keep focusing on me and DO nothing until I KNOW.

Not to mention the message of LOVE our son is getting from our stellar example. This saddens me deeply, and I don't know what to do.

Has he explained why he won't do MC?

I haven't asked him since right after I spoke to Jennifer. He was not really specific, more vague, just stating the he didn't want to do MC.

Hi SL,

I haven't posted to you before, but I read your thread, and wanted to let you know that I have felt exactly the way you feel, mini-meltdown and all.

My husband and I are 19 months into recovery, and it took a year, and I mean a long, entire year for me to see my husband re-engage in our marriage. But, slowly, it happened. Sometimes, it felt like crumbs to me. Sometimes, I was just glad to have hope. But things are getting much better now.

I would love to say that we are in recovery and following MB principles. But my husband won't. Just not interested. I think some things have sunk in and helped, but even counseling with Steve Harley didn't get him on board. I am still doing the guessing game on emotional needs myself. It's a hard situation to be in.

So I don't feel like I have any earth-shattering advice for you. But I wanted to post to encourage you to hang in there as long as you can. I was so done in December of last year. I remember telling our MC how tired I was. I did not think I could make it through one more day of my marriage, much less the next year that we would still be in recovery.

For me, it really helped to focus on two things. The first, was that recovery would probably take two years. I committed myself to that. When I would feel like giving up, I would make the commitment in my mind to my children. I wanted to keep their family together.

Second, I have followed the MB principles to the best of my ability. Meet EN, no AO, no LB's. My husband is not following MB principles, and yet he is meeting several of my EN's now, and his AO's (which were common) seem to have stopped. I made changes, and in some ways, I think he had to follow. It just took a long time! But the best part for me was, along the way, I felt good about myself.

So please don't give up hope. Recovery is a long process.

Hang in there.

Thanks for posting that, w-t-r!

Thank you, want to recover.

I know that recovery takes a loooong time.

I have focused alot on myself lately. I do NO LB's, I try to fill his love bank with the limited knowledge of how he wants me to. I do feel as if I have gotten the [censored] end of the stick here, and admittedly, let my focus turn to my resentment again. It is not easy to NOT think on the past when I feel nothing has been done to replace it. I feel like we are back in the past, and it's NOT okay with me.

I reviewed my list, that Jennifer asked me to make, of reasons to continue working toward recovery. The main one on my list was to keep my son's family together. I'm going to try, but I don't know how much more I can do, without PWC working with me. Maybe I'm just overly frustrated. Maybe all the sugar coating has worn off and I'm accepting our current reality, and need time to process that.

All I know is that I am confused, and will not be making any decisions. I'm venting, mostly, and FEEL empty right now. I'm out of steam. I would love to hear from my husband that my commitment is appreciated.

It feels good to know that I'm not alone, that my own script has been played out among the recovering, that there is an opening at the end of this tunnel. I can't see the light right now, I'm drowning in darkness.

I think I get frustrated KNOWING that there is a better way to recover (MB principles) and only ONE of us using them.

I AM following MB principles. I'm doing all that I have the capacity to do right now, and do more when I can.

I feel like I'm hangin by a thread today.

SL:

I read about your breakdown.

I read about the back pain, and the other issues that are swirling around you.

I read that PWC is "less that willing"

I read that he doesn't want to touch you.

But I also read this:

"Not to mention the message of LOVE our son is getting from our stellar example. This saddens me deeply, and I don't know what to do."

What message of love?

That his parents are Together?
That his father is in the home, and spends quality time with DS?
That his parents, are not in knockdown, dragged out fights?
That his Dad ins't living someplace else?
That he can have dinner with Mom and Dad?
That he can play Chutes and Ladders with Dad and Mom? Any Night?

What message of love? I think he SEES many messages of love.

Silent:

Are you expecting, demanding, hoping for too MUCH?

No, you ARE NOT.

IS your timeframe screwed up?

No. It's your TIMEFRAME. YOUR Recovery.

I believe that Guy Smiley, LilSis and Bugs would KILL to be in your position.

A reluctant spouse, in the house, seemingly for the long run, is FAR better than the "D" Train.

As an aside, PWC COULD be involved with someone else, but hiding it better now.

Yes, he should OPEN Up.

Yes, he should be ravishing you every night.

NO, you do not have to accept CRUMBS.

NO, you do not limit your recovery by saying "I don't have the cash"

If you spent $1,000 with Jennifer and recovered your marriage, would THAT be too much?

I would bet the attorney to clean all this up would want in excess of $7-8k.

Notwithstanding what you have already paid.

Both in cash and in emotional withdrawals.

You CAN DO THIS.

YOU HAVE CLIMBED HIGHER MOUNTAINS.

One of these days, You will no longer feel a tug on the rope. You will feel the PULL. And then you know that PWC is starting to climb ahead.

And that might occur with alot less invested with Jennifer than you think.

I could call this a 2x4, but I won't.

I would call it: "Count your Blessings"

[[[(((SL)))]]]

LG

I lost my last post, but you are right LG, I do have much. It's currently "OPERATION" that we play (the Spongebob version)

Believe me, every time I post about my NOT having something or other, or wanting MORE, I think of Guy Smiley, Fox, Chrisner, Bugsy, Sis, IABPS and so many more, and feel selfish. I was never a praying girl before, but I pray for them everyday, as well as for PWC and my son. I have love and respect for them ALL.

You are right, also, that it would take so much more to clean up my mess than to deal with it.

I felt a small 'tug' on the rope today. PWC just called me, in the middle of the day, to ask me how I'm feeling (I have a flu like bug right now) and to say that he will make dinner and do the dishes. I was surprised.

I think expectation overcomes reality sometimes and I long for what I know we do not have right now.

Cha-Ching!

Hold on to the little things too!

I'm holding on for dear life, rubydoo.