I have been reading for a few weeks now and have now become brave enough to post.

I believe with certainty that H is having an A with an out of town person in another state.

I want to do my exposure to him but have been somewhat timid in that regard.

I have written a letter of exposure to him that I thought I could give him of course with me sitting there and then I wouldn't become as emotional.

I am calmer about things than I was when I first discovered after I verified things with my snooping (which by the way I don't like doing but know that I needed to). I also have used some of the advise in your Plan A to get me to this calmer feeling.
So here are some of my questions where I need some advise or comments.
1. Is the letter of exposure a bad idea?
2. Should I tell our adult children 24 and 27 what I discovered (I think one of them might know btw).
3. Is there any good time to expose?

Any thoughts or comments would be appreciated. Thank you from my heart which at this moment is calm.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. I'm happy you got brave enough to post.

A letter is fine, if you feel like you can't talk calmly. And yes, you need to let your kids know what dad is up to.

The sooner you let him know that you know, the better. He will probably deny anything is going on. That is why you need to have proof. However, it is better if you don't let him know how you know, because it will be harder to check on him in the future.

You don't "expose" your H's affair to your husband ... is this what you are saying ???? ( he KNOWS he's having an affair)

You confront your husband with the truth ...

"I know you are having an affair. Let's talk about it."

then sit back and just watch .... see what he does

do NOT reveal everything that you know ... and do not allow him to have you show your cards first....

if he says "You're crazy" or paranoid or delusional or what-ev-ah ... REPEAT yourself

"I KNOW you are having an affair. Let's talk about it."

stay calm
stay focused
if you become emotional, he will be able to draw the attention away from his behavior and point at your emotionality

IF he does not confess his affair to you over the weekend .... YES, expose to your adult children ... and if OW has a spouse or a significant other .... exposure to THAT person is very very effective

you do NOT tell your WH you are going to expose to others ...

BUT

give H a chance to come clean first ....

good luck

Pep

Pepperband,
Thank you -- I have seen alot of your posts as I was looking around on this website before I got the nerve to post. Do you think my letter is not a good idea with me sitting there while H reads it?

Thank You again!

Believer,
Thank you for your post. I appreciate all your words and feel like the adult children know what is going on. Can't explain it, but I do. I hope I will be brave and do this tonmorrow!

Thank You!

gsh,

Get your 'ducks in a row' and have a semi-plan when you confront your H or expose to OPS. Read all you can to find what fits your sitch. Stay calm and keep posting. (Things may not always go as you expect but ask questions as they come up.)

Even if you think you mess it up, getting input will help. I did everything late and wrong and backwards but MB helped get us on the road to a great recovery...at least so far....however, it will take time. BE PATIENT and try to focus on facts for which you have proof.

I won't be posting much due to workloads, but I'll be praying for you and reading when I can.

Ace

gsh, as Pepperband pointed out, what you are talking about it not exposure, but confrontation. You can't expose to your H what he already knows.

I would not give him a letter, but simply tell him you know about his affair and ask for an explanation. Don't ASK HIM if he is having an affair, because that will only be an invitation for him to deny and lie. Just tell him you KNOW all about it and ask him to end all contact.

Who is the OW? Is she married? If she is, you will want to tell her husband too.

Feed H a good meal
have a glass of wine (if that's what you guys enjoy)
ask him to sit with you
sit facing him (knee to knee)
hold his hands in yours
and slowly say
"I KNOW you are having an affair. Let's talk about it."

this is far better than a letter .... because you don't look weak
you don't spill emotions all over the floor

and you plan A his azz right up until you say those simple words to him

then, BE STILL
and observe his reaction

KEEP MB a secret for now

Pep

p.s. It is a good idea to tell your children, too. Affairs effect the whole family and you need their support very much right now.

Sorry you are here, gsh <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

The OW is out of town. I don't know if she is married, but believe she probaly is. I have found her work number but can't find a home number.

Yes confrontation is a better word. I hope I can do this this weekend. I am hopeful that I will.

Thank you for answering.

Mel and Pep are right. It's probably better to talk to him. I'm such a conflict avoider, the letter sounded good to me.

HOW do you know this?


Confronting adultery in your family/marriage is like taking medicine that you don't like the taste of ... but you do it anyway ... because the GREATER HARM is letting this cancer grow in your marriage.

Marriage is not for sissies!

Pep

Yikes,I hope I can do that that way, I don't know if I can but I will give it serious consideration. This is wonderful to have had all of you answer me. Thank You!!

The trick is to think of him as an addict, and not take it personally. That way you can be calm, caring and matter-of-fact.

How was the marriage before the affair?

I know she is out of town because of my snooping.

gsh, you can't "hope" you will do it, you must make a decision to do so and follow through. This has nothing to do with hope, but with a willful decision. Make a decision to sit him down and confront him.

I would also find out everything you can about the OW and be prepared to call her husband, if any, to inform him.

Your marriage is under assault and you will need much more than hope to defend yourself. You need a decisive plan of attack.

Can you look up similar names in her town and call them to see if any might be her husband? She is not listed, I take it.

Can you go to www.peoplefinder.com and type in her name and see if any family members come up? Also check www.zabasearch.com

What happens if he sits there and doesn't admit to it when I say I know you are having an A let's talk about it?

You look him straight in the eye and say:

"Your affair is a big threat to our happiness. I am ready to listen when you are ready to talk. (pause) Would you like some coffee?"

you don't
argue
whine
beg
pout

NO MATTER what he SAYS to deny/attack/goad you into a fight ~~~> YOU stay on message "I'm ready to listen when you are ready to talk about it."

you maintain your dignity/poise/composure .... and you Plan A him by meeting his needs .... give him a few days to think things over (all the while YOU remain mysteriously pleasant)

Offer him NOTHING in your behavior/manner/words/gestures that he can use against you !!! [color:"red"] <~~~ very important[/color]

tell us how it goes

then we can strategize the next phase of Plan A with you

Pep

Back to the topic of what you are calling your "exposure letter" ...

Are you willing to post it here so we can get a look at it?

It might be a very useful letter for you to use when the time is right

Pep