NLF,

I do understand how you must feel and I'm not trying to push you into anything for which you are not ready. The only thing that I can impart from my own experience is the pain of not knowing.

The weird thing is one doesn't know that pain until after they find out. For me, I found out three years after her initial affair. If your BH ever found out and you didn't tell him, that pain is compounded. Believe it or not, it will be easier on him to hear it from you. Also, after having survived the guilt on your own, you may be less likely to want to re-live it.

I know you have read this all before and my heart really goes out to you. You know your situation better than anyone. I would suggest that if the urge to reconnect with the OM becomes too great, you should confide in your husband and ask for his help (and forgiveness).

I don't know the details of how you found yourself in the affair and that is your business. But, I will tell you that my WW told me she did not feel she could confide in me before her affair so she confided in others (some men and some women). The men were very good at exploiting her trust and that made her not want to confide in me even more.

The point is I don't think you should burden yourself with guilt out of fear. I don't think it is wise to keep your husband in the dark about something that will affect you greatly. And I do believe that in the long run, your marriage can be stronger than before if you open some communication about this very personal burden with your husband.

If you thought that your BH would physically hurt you that is something to consider but you have not indicated that as the case. I pray for you and wish you the best.

bigkahuna, I agree with you that you can't experience true intimacy if you continue to lie. That is why the lying stops here right now. When I said I repented and asked God to forgive me of my sins, that meant I would start from that day forth being an honest person. God now sees me as a person who has not committed any sins. Now whatever sin I have committed is between myself and God. I no longer am an adulterous that's in my past. I am once again a faithful wife.

aussiewife, I have still struggled with having a strong desire to talk with the OM, but I have not talked to him since last Wednesday each day is getting better for me. I have been very sad almost like I have lost a good friend, but this is also getting better with each day.

AngryandHurt, my husband has in the past been physical with me and I have a background of being in abusive relationships, so yes I am concern that my husband may become violent, but I'm not for certain.

Some thoughts:

I do believe that, if my FWW had never disclosed her A to me, we would have never taken a serious look at ourselves and how we were contributing to the destruction of our M. In other words, had she kept it a secret, we would have likely continued on for years in a generally unhappy state, with her additional burden of trying to keep knowledge of her A secret from me.

I also believe that, if several years passed until I found about her A, whether from herself or via another means, recovery of our M would be even more difficult than it is now.

NIF - this is PART of the truth but the lying to your husband has not ended. You are living a lie.

You won't be able to put this behind you. You should read "Torn Assunder" tells a story of a man who wasted 20 years in a loveless marriage because he witheld this information.

As JL said - you will not be able to put this behind you until you confess.

NLF

as this is an anonymous site you can be quite honest here so I ask this question with that in mind.

Does your fear of telling your H come from the threat of being physically abused? Are you frightened of him hitting you?

I don't mean that he may yell, and scream and swear at you, as frankly I think thats probably a reasonable normal reaction in the circumstances from a number of people men or women, (like my DH <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> where your H wouldn't normally do this) I mean as I said above ... is there a real basis for this concern? Please be very honest.

This is important as advice for such situation is very specialised and we wouldn't want to give you advice which may result in you being hurt. It is NOT a 'get out of Jail' free card either by the way, just that there are special ways to deal with such situations.

with care

AW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Research where? GloryB.com? You sure didnt find that in the Bible you profess to follow.

1st Fleshalonians 2:16


No you have not. First, God will not forgive those that are unrepentent. And you, ma'am, are unrepentent. Why do I say that? Because you continue to lie to your husband. And even if you never see the OM again, you will be lying to your husband everyday for the rest of your life. That is, until you decide to repent and follow Jesus...which you have NOT been doing so far!

Which your husband notices and most likely, thinks is his fault! Which will strain the marriage. Which will destroy the marriage. Instead, with radical honesty, your marriage could go thru the intial stages of hurt and anger, and then build one that is not filled with unhappiness. But instead, you choose the route of unhappiness for both you and your husband. You are being extremely selfish. This is NOT God's will!

No, you would rather hurt your husband continuely for the rest of his life with lying to him and a marriage that will NEVER be completely right due to the continued lies...rather than giving him all of the information of his life and letting him help you creat that new, happy marriage. You continue to be selfish by continuing to hurt him. You have it backwards!

But you will, because your marriage will never be fulfilling to either of you as long as you continue to lie to him and keep things from him. You are blocking your own miracle.


Wont matter to your marriage though. Because you refuse to do anything about the things that are now eating at it. And without radical honesty, there is no way you will be able to stop the rot. Go ahead and do your "research" Nlf. We can always find someone to tell us what we want to hear. But, you will not find your solution in the Bible. You will not find it here on the most successful way (Marriage Builders) of strengthening and saving marriages.

Instead, you will do this your own way. Just as Adam and Eve did in the Garden.

God is not pleased. And you remain apart from Him as long as you continue this rebellion. God does not answer the prayers and does not provide blessings to those in rebellion.

The problem is...it appears it has to get much worse for you before you will see this and bend your knee to the Lord.

But unfortunately, you continue to lie to your husband. And thus, you are still in the same boat with Jesus!

I know I am being harsh here. But you have no idea how much harm you continue to do. And I am not even talking about what you are doing to your husband!! The harm here is you are continuing to push God away. You continue to rebel against what He has very clearly told you to do in Scripture! You cant say "well I asked for forgiveness and I know He wants me to be truthful but I cant. So I just move forward with being faithful from here on out." God will NOT bless that decision.

As I said, I have plent of Scripture to back this up. You have none to back what you are doing. God is not pleased. You are still in rebellion...thus, as it says in Scripture, He does not hear your prayers.

Repent Nlf. Repentence means coming clean and turning from the sin. You have yet to turn from it. The sin you committed wasnt just adultery. It was also the lies. And the lies continue!

God will not be mocked! Hebrews 10 outlines what happens to those believers that want to stay in rebellion. Read the whole chapter and find out what is in store for you. "It is a terrible thing to fall into the hands of the Living God."

He was talking about believers there, Nlf. Not unbelievers.

As I said before, I fear it will have to get worse before you will finally listen to Him and bend your knee.

Mortarman you said: Repent Nlf. Repentence means coming clean and turning from the sin. You have yet to turn from it. The sin you committed wasnt just adultery. It was also the lies. And the lies continue!

Mortarman, Repentance means feeling sorry for doing something that violates your conscience and changing your mind and turning away from doing that same thing. Nowhere did I read it meant coming clean.

You also said: God will not be mocked! Hebrews 10 outlines what happens to those believers that want to stay in rebellion. Read the whole chapter and find out what is in store for you. "It is a terrible thing to fall into the hands of the Living God."

I'm no longer in rebellion because I'm no longer having an affair. Keeping a secret is not a sin. I'm sure you have things that you have not shared with you W. Maybe something in your childhood you are not proud of we all do. Nobody tells all.

I don't know if you know the story about the adulterous woman that was caught in the act. The Pharisees brought her to Jesus with the intentions of stoning her from the law of Moses. But Jesus said to them "He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first" John 8:7

Guess what all the Pharisees left because they all sinned nobody is without sin. Just because I committed adultery doesn't make my sin no bigger than anybody's elses. Sin is Sin.

John 8:11 is when Jesus told the adulterous woman "Neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more"

Mortarman, this is what I have done. I have turned my back on this sin and I sin no more. Jesus says he will forgive me if I turn away and I believe what he word says.

Aussieswife, out of the eleven years we have been married I would say my H has been physically abusive five times. What I mean by physical is he hit me a couple of times, but not a major beating. These times were when we were in heated arguments. The relationship prior to my husband was extremely abusive, with daily beatings. I have never experienced this with my husband. The trauma that I had from this past relationship on top of the time my H few outburst of abuse. Yes I am afraid he may become violent which is the main reason I know I will never tell him. I just can't take the chance.

Lying is a sin. By extension, lying by omission is also sinful.

Now, consider how many times you will likely have to lie to your H now to keep this "secret" from him.

For the sake of simplicity, I will leave religion out of this. To decide on another person's eternal salvation or damnation is neither the responsibility nor privilege of mortals. There should be no judging or finger pointing here. You have reached out for help and people are trying to help you.

I wrote the things I did because I am living in misery as a BH with no hope for a better marriage. She has withheld the truth and changed what she did admit. I never got closure, only confusion. She refuses either couples or individual counseling (although I see a counselor every week). She does not ever want to discuss these things again, yet continues to criticize me for other things.

I replied to you, Nlf, because you really seemed to feel bad for what you did and expressed a hope for a happier marriage. Only you can know what that is and what your BH may or may not do. Truthfully, I wish I had never found out. Nor would I wish that pain on anyone. While you are reading discussions on marriagebuilders.com and baring your soul to strangers, my WW was going to happy hours, working late, buying lingerie and body lotion and reading sex books (none of this was for me).

My biggest concern is that your BH may find out down the road. You cannot be sure what evidence you have left and what the scorned OM could do in retaliation of your rejection. As I said before, it took three years for me to discover anything about my WW of whom I suspected nothing. If he ever does find out, you have one chance to confess everything. If you hold back anything that is later revealed or change details down the road, it will be increasingly difficult to believe you.

I would not encourage you to immediately confess all to your husband today. You have taken the most important step of ending the affair. Some people need more time to process their own thoughts and actions before involving their partners.

Reading these discussions is a sign that you recognize a problem and are trying to fix it. Whether you will try to fix that problem alone or with your BH is up to you. Remember that we are all just people with similar experiences but this discussion board will not have all the answers. Most certainly, the people who respond (myself included) are not qualified to give you advice. We (hopefully) are just trying to relate our own experiences in way that might touch another person to see their problems from a different perspective.

Seek help! If you are comfortable with the clergy, that may work. However, I would suggest professional counseling, at least just for you. Assuming that your marriage was not perfect prior to the affair, you could even ask your BH to go to counseling as a couple to work on other areas of the relationship. With luck as the marriage improves, you may find the courage to relieve yourself of your guilt.

Take things one thing at a time and do not lose focus on a better you with a happier marriage. God bless and good night. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi NLF. Glad you decided to work your M out & stop this A.



When you cut ties for more than just a couple days, that's when you're truly in NC. But I do want to urge you, like the rest, that your H is probably THE best person to help ensure that NC stays in place. He can help hold you accountable & lift you up when you want to cave. He's supposed to be your best friend, remember?



I agree w/you there.

Let me tell you though, your H is probably going to be hurt worse by the continued lie that's being dangled in front of him than the A itself. My H had a ONS early on in our M. He hid it from me for 8 years. I finally found out when he was faced in a corner w/nowhere to turn. He had to confess. He had no other choice b/c he was confronted right in front of his face w/it. Believe me, if not now, your H WILL find out eventually. What happens if he starts snooping b/c he gets suspicious? Have you thought about that? What happens then when HE confronts YOU? How are you going to stammer & then finally break down & tell him everything. More than likely, your H will say, "Why couldn't you be HONEST w/me? What ELSE have you hidden from me that I didn't know?" Don't rationalize it. Don't fluff it away w/"that'll never happen." Truth is, you don't know that for sure. Do you really want to take that chance? You want to save your M, but in the end, you might kill it by withholding this vital information from him.

He has a right to know what is going on his M. By not telling him, you are taking away his right. You're stealing it from him. You say you want to be an honest person. How can you be honest when you have secrets? A person who has nothing to hide, hides nothing. There should be NO secrets between a H & a W. They should be each other's confidantes, their own best friends.

Take a good, hard look at yourself, NLF. Be honest w/yourself first. Is it really b/c you don't want to hurt HIM or is it b/c YOU'RE afraid of what will happen? Really be honest w/yourself here. Dig deep. In actuality, I really think it's b/c you're afraid of what's going to happen. You said it yourself that you're a SAHM & cannot support yourself. Are you absolutely sure it isn't b/c you're afraid that your H will be so angry that he'll toss you on the street? More than likely, that won't happen. You'd be very surprised at how many BS's on here have said that if their spouse ever had an A, it was over, then have it happen & all they want to do is save their M.

The first thing you have to do is make a choice. Do you REALLY want honesty or are you satisfied w/still being secretive w/your H?

This is not a bash. Just a concern for your own well being. Prayers coming your way.

A part of Biblical repentence is also making amends. In order to make amends, the party you have hurt needs to be informed and asked forgiveness from. With a very busy day at work today, I am not sure I will be able to get the Scriptural references for you....but I will.


You are in rebellion because you continue to keep things from your husband. You continue to allow him to live a lie. He thinks he has a certain marriage. He does not have that. The marriage in his mind is a fantasy now, because of what has happened. Thus, he will never be satisfied with this current marriage because much of it will be a lie. You said "nobody tells all." I beg to differ. If my wife doesnt know something about me, it is because I have forgotten...not because I have kept it from her.

Your husband is your head. And your head does not have all of the information it needs to lead you and your family. Why? Because the body refuses to give the head all of the information needed. Again, I could go on and on about how you are in rebellion...but "Keeping a secret is not a sin." is a testimony to the fact that you would rather do this your way, rather than God's. As I said, before...it isnt just the adultery that you were guilty of! Keeping a secret from your husband is a sin. There is no such thing as secrets in a marriage.

Very true. Sin is sin. Nothing I said would deny this. But, I would caution you. Jesus was not saying that you had to be sinless to judge (throw stones). He was saying that anyone there that was not guilty of the sin of adultery could throw the first stone. He then began to write the names of the people who were guilty of adultery (which was all of those present). It would be like a murderer trying to judge someone who has committed murder. But if you have not been guilty of murder, then you can judge that act.

But you are leaving out the other sins you committed at the same time. The sins you are still committing.

Look, again I want you to understand that I am not "beating you up" here. I am not trying to pound on you. But, if yo uare saved and are a sister in Christ, then it is my obligation to let you know when you are stepping out of bounds...to warn you. Just as it would be for you to do the same for me.

I will get the Scriptural references for you concerning where you are still in sin. Sin cannot be hidden under a rug. Sin also cannot be ignored. God does not do that. God says that you have to be completely open before Him. And you also have to be completely open before your husband. He is your head.

I will post more soon. And I hope you continue to post, as I do think that you can have the marriage you want and need. But that marriage needs to be based on honesty...radical honesty. Complete openness to each other.

The folks above are correct. Not telling your husband is disrespectful to your husband. And you are commanded to respect your husband (not love...instead, you are commanded to respect him...see the link below about the roles of husbands and wives). Judging that you would rather keep this a secret so you will not hurt him, will not put him in a situation where he might divorce you, etc is HIGHLY disrespectful!

Anyway...I will get into it when I get the chance to bring in the references needed.

I would have to seriously question this interpretation MM.

Regardless, Jesus certainly I believe made everyone there aware they had their own sins that they needed to deal with. NIF what you do totally fail to understand is that you will be unable, incapable of having a great marriage if you refuse to confess to your husband. That is the testimony of those who have gone before you and failed.

Your husband, when he eventually finds out (and he will) will be more upset about the 10, 20 years of LIES than he will be about the affair itself.

Hello.

Just wanted to say a couple things.

First, I can understand your aversion to wanting to tell your husband what is going on if you are in an abusive situation. If physical violence is something that has happened in the past, I'm sure there is a very good chance that it will happen again, and this may be the very thing that causes him to become physically violent again. In fact, this very fact may be the reason you had your affair to begin with. So like I said, I can understand why you don't want to tell him. You do need to be careful of your physical safety and you would need to be protected prior to telling him anything.

However, having said that, I did just want to tell you that you are grossly abusing scripture and it's meanings trying to justify what you are doing.

There are many scriptures about repentance. There are many that state if you have an issue with a brother (and yes, your husband qualifies), you are to lay your offering at the alter, go make it right with him, and then come and make your offering to God. And yes, you are lying about this situation.

There are two classifications of sin. One is the sin of commission (those we commit, ie. your adultery/his abuse), and there are sins of ommission (ie. watching someone steal something and not saying anything, knowing to tell the truth and not doing it).

You have done both. You may have asked for forgiveness for the sin you committed, but you are still sinning by ommission by not telling your husband of your committed sin.

I'm not trying to beat you up, just simply trying to get you to see that you are mis-using scripture to justify yourself.

Like I said, if there is abuse then your primary concern should be to get out of the abusive situation. Once you are protected, then you can consider telling your husband the truth about what happened. So I'm not trying to downplay the seriousness of your situation. Physical safety from an abusive spouse is paramount.

I'm just trying to get you to see, in light of all of that, that you are in fact twisting scripture to justify your lie.

Should you tell your husband? Yes. Should you tell him while he is in front of you? I'm all for face to face revelation, but in your case, probably wouldn't be the best scenario.

You are in a tough spot for sure. You both are going to need counseling. For the affair, but he needs anger managment for the abuse. It sounds like the roots to your affair go much deeper than it appears.

Pastor Steve is correct!

PastorSteve, you said: Like I said, if there is abuse then your primary concern should be to get out of the abusive situation.

My husband is not abusive, he just hit me a couple of times during heated arguments. He does not beat me continuously like my previous relationship. Therefore, I don't feel I'm in a threatening abusive situation even though telling him may set him off to hit me. Also, there is nowhere to go.

Dealing with these two issues seperately, First on your first sentence there.

You state your husband isn't abusive, then state he has ONLY hit you a few times. That's abuse any way you slice it or any way you try to justify his behavior. There is that old saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" and I think that is true if the person doesn't get the proper treatment or counseling to find out why they cheat and then how to deal with it. But that saying could also be said about abusers "once an abuser, always an abuser". Again, unless he has sought treatment for his abuse, or counseling or anger management, he is still an abuser. Once that line is crossed, it's a done deal. It takes a lot to get an abuser out of that frame of mind. He may not beat you everyday as you stated, but that doesn't change the fact that he is an abuser.

If someone had an affair once every 5 years, versus one who cheats almost daily, it wouldn't make the person who cheats every five years any less of a cheater than the one who cheats everyday.

Please don't get caught up in defending your husbands actions. The sooner you can try and see the abuse for what it is, the better off you will be.


On to the second statement, you said that there is no where to go.

First off, yes there are places to go. Half-way houses, battered women shelters (and you don't have to be beaten everyday to be a battered woman), all of these places will take you in and try to help you.

Also, do you have any family or friends you could stay with? The bottom line is that there are places you can go.


I know this is getting off the path of your original post, and I know this is primarily about your affair, but frankly I dont' think it is that simple. People in abusive situations are far more likely to not only do things they would not normally do, but also to endure things that no one should endure.

And while you certainly sinned in the fact that you had an affair, and you may indeed have to pay for that sin in the way of losing your marriage, I'm not one that believes you should have to pay for it by endangering your life.

Again...I agree with Pastor Steve!

Nlf,

You need to look up the posts by Jill. Go to the search function type in Jill for the username. When looking at the time span, go back 8 years, and give the latest date as about 3 years. She actually started posting around 99 or 00. She has 242 posts so the search should show all of them. Don't ask for a specific section.

She had an affair, and wanted to know if she should tell her H. She did not want to. Her clergyman recommend she not tell, as you can see over the years the affair ate at her, and it led to a withdrawal by her H from her. She found a second clergyman that recommended as we had done here that she tell, and they discussed strategies for doing so in the best manner. She did and her marriage began to turn around and improve. It was not without pain, but they both seemed to grow.

You need to read the whole thing to get a sense of where she was (actually she was very much were you are now). The final key was realizing that she needed to do this "right" and took the time to do it in away that I thought was most caring for her H.

Please do the reading.

God Bless,

JL