MelodyLane is absolutely correct here!!!!

try,

This is the same thing I told you, as well. Your wife is trying to get you to buy into her story so she won't feel any guilt. Don't do it. She should feel guilt.

Courage comes from ACTION, not the other way around. It doesn't come from a magic pill. If you are waiting for a feeling to magically alight upon you, it won't ever happen. You gain courage from ACTION. Everyone feels afraid, but what seperates the cowards from the heroes is calculated ACTION in the face of fear.

You have many opportunities here to save your marriage if you will only TRY. But, you have to TRY, you have to get up out of the grave. You are not dead yet, yet you are playing a corpse!

As BobPure said after he busted his W's affair by exposing, "I changed from a serf to a KNIGHT."

He saved his marriage and is happily married today.

As you can see, trying, appeasement is getting you nowhere. And will get you nowhere. You have to use a carrot AND A STICK. You are only using the carrot here and it has only ENABLED the affair, at your own expense. Get to work, my friend!

As BobPure said after he busted his W's affair by exposing, "I changed from a serf to a KNIGHT."

He saved his marriage and is happily married today.

You see trying, I know of which I speak !

And Mel will aver that I was EVERY BIT as scared as you are now.

After I spoke to OMs GF I had to vomit into bushes in public , on the car park where I made the call. By the time I got home, OM was already dodging crockery and had txted Squid. She was angrier than bulldog chewing a wasp ! Threatened me up and down.

But I felt an itch in my palm as I gained a joystick in this sick game. and I was playing the goodie !

The fallout from me taking the brave, proven path has been huge. I have a genuine quiet confidence in myself now where there was once either meekness or bluster. I KNOW I can step up when my family needs me to but I don't need to shout about it.

I would have you recive that enornmous blessing too, trying. Do it.

it seems like that I have made some mistakes initially but then again it has only been 10 days now. I agreed with what she was doing and I know she will have a fit when I said I changed my mind.

I wish somebody can write a script for me. (God I am such a weak person--confidence confidence confidence). I am worth all this. I am good enough I know.

I know she is in control right now and I need to take that control away.

so I should invite her to a talk and then let her know that I have changed my mind on what I agreed on very calmly and as a matter of fact way. should make sure that I still love her and want to save the marriage. I guess that is where the question is. exposure and all this will makre her furious but I still have to convey to her that I love her and be calm and voice of reason evn though she is not hearing me. I dont have to come across mad or rude right?

In my own affair-battle, and in plan A , loving detachment was without doubt the technique that helped the most to get through the very bad times. It allowed me breathing space to be rational when faced with irrationality.

I have advised for panicking folks in the heat of this fight to "detach" but I always struggled to INSTRUCT them how to do it.

Well, a day late and a dollar short, but here goes - in case it helps you Trying :

However vicious or entitled a persons actions may be towards us, and however dark a situation may appear, it is a stark realisation that it is OURSELVES who render events with the power to frighten or hurt outselves.

Some folks who tried to adopt loving detachment tried to IGNORE evil purpetrated in their lives and respond with a false rictus smile to the person who is hurting them. That is not what loving detachment is for me and I chide myself for not being able to explain sooner.

Loving detachment was a way I found to strip away the scariness I attributed to events and look only at the core elements of these events.

I'll start with a non infidelity example :

A banana skin skids to a halt at your feet, when you are rushing and feeling low, and you barely miss slipping on it. Things you might think while in an emotional state:

"I could have slipped on that ! GOD I might have broken my neck ! I Bet my spouse threw that there to kill me for my insurance ? What if there are more banana skins ? OH NO, I have to LIVE in a workd of banana skins for ever boo hoo hoo !" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What loving detachment thinks :
"A banana skin. I need to step around that so I don't slip. Stay vigilant in case of further banana skins as I can only control my OWN placement of banana skins, not other people's."

See ?

It doesn't matter if a person tried to sabotage you with that banana skin,OR if it was dropped accidentally by a passing flying monkey, the core challenge, and correct response is identical once you strip away all the layers of portent you ascribe to an event.

When Squid would attend karate competitions that I suspcted OM may be at, against my direct request a wellsping of panic and fear surged within me. " She'll be kissing him ! Maybe they're not even at a karate event! Perhaps they've left to elope !"

Then I shouted "Stop! Detch! " to myself.

Facts :

1. Squid went to referee a weekend competition against my request less than a month after d-day. The only thing I know for sure is she won't be home over Saturday night.
2. Even if she *IS* PA'ing with OM, it does not change our situation.I Expect her to be wayward at this time. I am not "more cuckolded" by this ,if so.
3. I know there IS a competition at the time / place she says and that she is sharing a room with a trustworthy mutual friend.
4. How can I affect this in future ? Well, exposing to OM GF may apply a compulsion to OM not to attend these events. I should expose.
5. The weekend without soaking up Squids poison gives me a respite ! I will take the kids to a childrens' farm !


Loving detachment is DELIBERATELY stripping away portent from events and facts to allow calm rationalisation as to whether you can affect a situation positively or not.

It is not ignoring, it is not soaking up, it is not tolerating. It is revealing and dealing with the FACTS as practially as possible.

Another real example :

Event : Squid is highly entitled and is bullying me in her affair pomp, in the second whole week after NC established. She is making no effort to be transparent nor to work on our marriage. Highly dismissive, vituperative. I am terrified, the kids are being hurt.

WHOAH Bob !!! LOVING DETACHMENT MODE PLEASE :

What would I do if I were not afraid ?
- I'd tell Squid that I would rather live without her than WITH her this mean and disrespectful
What am I afraid of ?
- That this is the best Squid can ever give me and that she would leave if I enforced a boundary requiring more
SO this is a dignity issue. Best case is that I get my baby AND my dignity. Whats the best compromise ?
- That I keep my dignity and lose my baby.

So, loving detachment, what are the FACTS to consider ?

1. She could leave ANY time she wanted with or without my protecting my dignity
2. If she left as a result of having to respect minimum boundaries, I am only worse off if I value that toxic corruption of a marriage more than my own dignity.
3. If she leaves I will be healthy,have the support of my employer and my kids and we will be fine, after a time of sadness. It is highly unlikely that we will be broken by this.
4. If she stays and respects my boundaries we may all just "win the lottery" !.

Decision - restate my boundary to Squid.

Lovng Detachment released me from the chains of fear. That night I asked Squid my famous question :" baby WHY are you here ? You said you would stay and work on our marriage - and I am struggling to see anything I would call "marriagebuilding" from you right now. I want you , very much, but I do not need you. Do not stay only because you think I will fall apart if you leave. I will not.
The door on this marriage is open - you can leave any time, as can I. Just know that I will not tolerate perceived disrespect for long before I protect myself from it."

Squid flipped a switch that night like so many WS do.

Even when I make a bad decision using the facts loving detachment presented me, I could simply apply LD to the NEW situation and make a new decision in light of my experience.

Does any of this make any sense ? I hope it helps.

Lovingly Detach. I did. You can too.

trying, if I were in your shoes, this is the strategy I would follow.

1. hide your money. Protect any money or credit sources from possible plunder. If you think this can't happen, you are wrong

2.. Have a talk with WW. [when you do, use the word "adultery"]

Tell her that you will be doing everything you can to save your marriage. That you understand that your marriage was not happy and you made many mistakes. You know that things can be good as they once were and you can fall in love again with some hard work. Let her know that you will not participate in any divorce schemes and won't be leaving your house to help her facilitate her abandonment of the kids. She can come visit the kids, and take them out, but you will not leave. Nor can they be exposed to her affair partner. You agree they should not be dragged from their home, but if they miss spending the night with her, that is a consequence of her choice to abandon them.

You then forthrightly and calmly explain to her that the lightbulb has come on and you now realize what has happened here. She has left your marriage for an adulterous affair and you know this now. [do not ASK this, tell her you KNOW] Ask her to end her affair now as this is extremely disrespectful and cruel to you and the children.

Even so, you are perfectly willing to forgive her for her adultery if she will end contact and come back home. You will commit to marriage counseling and making your marriage a wonderful place. but, you will not cooperate in any seperation or D schemes. You love her very much and know you can have a happy marriage.

She will likely scoff and bluster and refuse to end her affair, but you will have shown her that you are no longer fooled and that her ruse FAILED. The ruse is over and you are declaring WAR on her affair.

3. Expose the affair in a precise, strategic, methodical way to get the maximum impact. [do not forewarn her] Exposing in one fell swoop to key targets garners the maximum impact and makes it much harder for the affairees to recover or spin. Expose in this order on the SAME DAY, so it hits them all at once:

a.. send a letter to Human Resources to arrive on a certain day - do the rest of your exposures on that day

b.. Call OM's parents

c. call WW's family and give them the true story as I outlined in my previous post

d. contact any other key targets you can think of

e. tell your children the TRUTH. they have been lied to about this and are likely very confused. your wife should not be allowed to lie to your kids

That is the strategy that I would use in your shoes, trying. Others may have some helpful ideas too.

makes sense but she will not flip a switch when I do the lovingy detach.

should I keep complimenting her on her looks, careful flirty with her--positive feedback on everything else (plan A). just need to know how to talk to her without coming across needy

You changed your mind because the lightbulb came on. You can expect her to be angry anytime you interfere with her affair. So that is a GOOD THING. Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it can't survive an ongoing affair. By going along with this and trying to avoid her anger, you are headed right for divorce. So which are you more afraid of: divorce or her temporary anger?

Trying,

You are getting EXCELLENT advise here. LISTEN. TAKE the steps they are showing you.

I am new, without any sage advise of my own. HOWEVER, I can tell you that the BEST thing I ever did was STATE THE TRUTH to EVERYONE! As mentioned above, I, too, waited to do this, when I should have done it RIGHT AWAY!

No matter how my sitch turns out - TELLING MY TRUTH made ME feel soooo much better! I felt in control for the First time in months! It was a freeing experience.

I have been reading thru several older Plan A threads,,, revisiting and re-charging for my own Plan A. I found this post from Pep,,,originally written by Starfish. I hope that it helps you, the way it did me.



Hang in there!

Oh...and the message you should be getting across to friends and family when exposing the affair...you're fighting to SAVE your marriage. You love her, you want to work things out, and it's her current mindset because she's involved in the affair that's preventing it...not you. Make sure that they get the message that you're not exposing to 'get back at her' or anything else that foolish...but you're going to them, asking them for their help in saving your marriage. Ask them to take a stand and talk with your wife and let her know that they do NOT support her adultery.

One thing at a time, Trying!! You keep trying to buy carrots, when the first thing you need to do is wield some sticks! There will be plenty of time for all of that...after exposure and after her core temperatures come down after the nuclear explosion she will have!

Have you and your wife ever been in this position before? So, how do you know what she will do under any given situation? You dont. But almost all WSs respond to the same stimula. If you appease, they run over you. If you leave no boundaries, then they run over you. If you try to rationalize with them, they run over you.

Orrrrrr....you stand your ground as MelodyLane spoke of (and BobPure and others above). You expose. You defend your finances, your kids and your home. You defend your marriage. You begin the process of improving yourself by meeting her most important emotional needs where you can and not love busting. That is all you can do!

One point I wanted to expand on what ML said. ALWAYS use proper words when speaking to a WS! They want to say "affair" or "love-of-my-life." You call it "sleezy" and "adulterous relationship. They say "I am leaving you." You say "you are leaving the family. This is a family, and all of us choose to stay together except you. No one in this family agrees with what you are doing."

Do you see what I am saying?

You keep saying you are weak. This may be. But it no longer can be! Women do not love men they do not respect. Right now, your wife does not respect you. CHANGE THAT NOW! Stand up for what is right. Stand up and be the man. While she may get angry or call you names or whatever...deep down, she will begin a process where she will be telling herself "why didnt he do this before? Why wasnt he this way before?"

You know it will all be working if one day, she asks you those very questions. Of course, she'll say it is too late. But dont believe her. When she starts saying things like this, she is beginning the trek home.

Defend your family, your marriage and yourself. It is the BEST thing you can do for your wife and she may oneday thank you for it!

This isn't instinctive, I know, but I will summarise what you have to do now:

1. Detach.
MB is a set of proven techniques that can accelerate the end of an affair, and can manage BS hurt. It is not a way to force your WW to do anything. You have to realise that whether you have a GREAT MB day or a bad one, the decision to stay or go will be made at a near-subconscious level by your WW. So concentrate on your plan A without worrying that you are making things worse. Things can't get worse than having an entitled WW banging an OM.

2. Once you have detached you can start working with the tools you HAVE.
You need to invest in yourself - recognise the habits you got into that were not productive in husbandry and change them. Also identify those emotional needs that your WW has that you can meet under the current difficult circumstances and do it.
Note that it is not the direct focus of your WW that will notice the changes for the better in you, it will be her heart's "peripheral vision". Consistency of goodness, unsung is what overcomes the WS active rewriting of history and casting you as a baddie in their movie. Its not about gestures.

3. Move on in all but fidelity.
Invest in yourself. get fit, if you already aren't. Fashion up, if you're not. Dress to impress. Smell great. Go out with friends often and make sure your WW sees how great you look and that she doesn't know exactly where you're going.

Protect your finances , assets and guardianship of yor kids.

This REALLY worked with Squid. Made the reality that she was threatening to lose me come home to roost.

BUT !! Guard against flirting or spending time wth women. You are vulnerable right now. Stay with male friends.

4. Lock up your taker UTTERLY.
Nothing is a sickening and anti-MB than a needful BS.
I actually 180'ed Squid. Stopped all non platonic touch, no kisses. ILY became "I care". This coupled with investment in myself and being as attractive as I could be drove Squid WILD.

You aren't likely to get any cuddles or lovin' for a while. Best LOCK UP that hope for now. Really.

5. Unlock the door.
I know this sounds crazy. But its only a PRETEND lock you have on the door to your marriage right now.

Tell your WW "look baby, I love you and I'll work as hard as I possibly can on building a new marriage with you if you want, but I won't force you to.I want you, but I do not need you. If you leave or continue your affair I'll be sad,but I will survive. I respect myself too much to tolerate what I perceive to be disrespect and indignity for very long, as much as I want this marriage. You need to do what you think is right"

In a nutshell, thats it.

[b]

[color:"red"] EGG ZAK LEE [/color]

Ed Zachary!!!!!!!

bwhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

oh man. this is just too overwhelming. really good support for a [censored] like me. Feel like you are my family. Fear is just a bad thing as it clouds your judgment and questions everything. I am right there--questioning everything and working scnearios. This is just too much. I am suddenly extremely depressed and I cannot control the feeling of death.

Hey, trying...

I understand how you feel so much fear. Listen... your daughter needs you. She has a mother who is abandoning the family. Don't let her down. She needs you.

I know you are fearful right now. Fear is a killer - it will paralyze you, it will fill your head with anxiety and your heart with stress. You need to know that others have faced these same trials you are facing - and have come thru succesfully. You need to know that none of them were mighty champions of fidelity at the start - ALL of them faced fears. When I found out my wife wanted a divorce, and found ambiguous emails from her indicating the possibility of an affair, I was also afraid. Think of this, though... of all the places you could have gone for support, you found the very best one. You are posting in a forum where you will find a lot of support to follow a plan that works, a plan that will give you the best possible chance to recover your marriage. Take heart - you have managed to find the resource you need at the time you need it.

I understand how depressed you are right now, too. Believe me - you will be happy again. You cannot predict the future, you cannot tell what will happen - but you can know for a fact that you will be happy again.

Don't give up. Your daughter is depending on you. Don't give up, and don't give in to fear. You're not alone.

CC is correct! Look your daughter in the eyes every day and swear to yourself that you will not stop...will not let her down! We have given you a plan. If need be, call Steve Harley and get an appointment. He is the king of the plan!

You are okay. Believe me, I know what you are feeling. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt! If you need it, go to the doc and get some anti-depressants. I used them for a little while to get over the hump.

We have been there. You need to trust that this works, and that you will be okay. Yeah, I know! It dont look so great from your vantage point right now.

But we have been in the valley too. And we have come out of it. And from our vantage point, you are doing just fine.

One foot in front of the other!

trying, don't be too proud to see your doc for some a-d's.

They let overwhelmed people behave sensibly for a while, when situations overhwhelm the body's normal coping mechanisms.

Go see your primary healthcare provider and get some antidepressants. It will help you stay frosty at this important time.

Death don't solve the problem anyway buddy. A permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know that better than most.

Be calm.breathe. Read what you've been told and ingest it DEEP.

you can do this.