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trying, the best you can do right now is to avoid lovebusters, strive to kill her affair, defend your family from her destruction and look for opportunities to meet her needs. She won't allow you to do much of that, though, because she is in an affair. That is why most of your focus needs to be on busting up her affair. You won't get too far as long as that is continuing. So, it should be your priority to cause as much conflict as possible in her affair. While I believe you can begin to show her you can meet her needs thru what I posted above, I also believe ML is exactly right! These are your pritorities!
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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wb ML,
the only busting now left on the affair part is exposing at his job. will decide that course of action after Tuesday (attorney meeting--some legalities in this case as this can be ahigh profile case and I dont want my behind in trouble-)
but I am committed to do that once I have the clear. You have his parents to expose to and I am not convinced her mother and her sisters know the truth. They only know the lies she told them. I think it is very important that you have a serious discussion with her mother and tell her the truth and ask for her help. How old are your kids?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I just had the serious discusiion with the sister and mother last night. kids are 5 and 8. The family is no hope. they have heard my side of the story.
so I sent her an email inviting casually for the get together--did not hear back at all. now the time of that get together changed--should I email her back saying, hey just so that you know the time is now this--let me know if you can make it--
or just forget about it. the clinginess of me is there.
I did not expect too becuase right now she hates me and is in the arms of her OM who is consoling that soon it will be over with the divorce and she needs to hang in there. This is killing me.
got the meds. thank God.
having fun with kids today. doing a lot of things. watching movie now.
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Are you taking good care of your appearance with good grooming, cologne, etc? Is your hair cut?
Where is your wife? You do have a right to know where she is.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am taking care of myself. I think. Not exactly sure where she is today. she comes back tomorrow. She was going to an event today but not exactly sure. so I can just ask her what she was doing today without being pushy
also should I send her the second email on change of times tonight. I know she wont come
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ok, I would ask her where she has been. You are her husband and have a right to know. I would also reassert that you expect her to be faithful to you as long as you are married. That is a matter of respect to you and the children.
Have you done some sleuthing yet on the OM's parents? you will want to get all that info in order so you can launch the nuke on him.
I have no opinion on the email thing, so do what you think best.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I will ask her. (not sure how) she is in high gear now since last night and probably pissed and scheming anf planning with OM.
the thing is that tomorrow and in Sunday we have events that we are supposed to attend together with the kids.
this will get tricky. I just need to be mentally prepared. in the meantime I just need to know how to court her and talk to her without being needy becuase I have a problem when I start talking to her--I start going on a tangent.
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I would suggest you not send the email. She is probably in self-entitlement mode now and it would just confirm to her that she is doing the right thing for herself.
Married 10 years, Legally Seperated Aug 2,2006 1 year of Plan A followed by 1 year of Plan B... ...now stepping towards recovery????? BH 37(me), WW 35, DB 7 & DD 5 My Story My struggle with an EA
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you mean she will think that I am just trying a tactic on her?
so I should leave it alone. this is tougher than I thought. Impulse is there.
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I was just planning to send this email
"hey the times have noe changed to 7:30sh--let me know so I can give you directions"
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Why don't you pick up the phone and call her? And ask her where she is while you are at it..
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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well the phone part is the clingy part. see this confuses me becuase patience and time is being preached to me and all these actions seem clingy and overbearing and I am not sure if that will be productive. so that is why I am confused. You giys told me that and we all know that she is on a different planet and anything I do will just fuel the fire so PLAN A is being clam etc. AM I in wrong here? I mean she told me that she will be back Sat morning because she is a fun event most of the day Friday.
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And what would that "fun event" be? You are her husband, you need to know this. You have a right to know. Not saying anything about her long absebnce is only making it EASY for her to carry on affair. You should be putting pressure on her affair, not ignoring the elephant in the living room.
I would pick up the phone and tell her that the times have been changed for your events and then ask her where she is at. That is not being clingy. But as her H you need to know where she is, you ARE married after all. She is not entitled to carry on an affair UNQUESTIONED. You only ENABLE her by doing that.
ring..ring...
trying: hello dear. the event times for the Easter gala have been changed to XYZ.
WW: ok, thanks
trying: So what are you doing until Saturday? You never said
WW: that is my business
trying: as your husband, I need to know where you are. we are still very married
WW: ok, I am with some friends
trying: does that mean you are with OM?
WW: maybe
trying: as your husband, I would appreciate it if you would show me and the children some respect by not carrying on an adulterous affair. That is very hurtful and very disrespectful
Now, if you were calling her every 30 minutes and bugging her, I would say stop being overbearing and clingy. But you are not doing that.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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ha ha ha ML,
the conversation will be more like
stop bugging me,
I am gaving fun that I need,
you need to move in,
this is what I was afraid of,
you cannot let go,
you are holding on to a false hope,
I will come when I come
leave me alone,
I gotta go-I cant talk now
or she simply does not pick the phone
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also I cannot stop her from doing anything and as you guys have pointed out I should not tell her anything. just to the point and matter of fact stuff so how I can tell her not to go anymore. see now I am geting confused on PLAN A stuff
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by the way I just got her email saying sorry she has plans. and that is it
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by the way on grroming part I look like ****** becuase I have bags under my eyes as I really have not slept well at all
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so tomorrow when she comes back and we have a party to go together with kids. what should be my interaction? cordial and friendly and n R talk. same on Sudnay when we are invited to an Easter dinner at one of your freinds house. I a mean other than she brining all the logistics of separation and divorce, what should I say.
also if she decides not to get an apartment and stay here then we are going to bump into each other so what happens to give each other space becuase she will feel that I am in her face.
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If she needs some space, she can go into the garage or the bathroom or the backyard. That is her issue, not yours. You don't change anything. You are still man and wife. Hopefully, she does not imagine that she is going to be free to carry on her affair from your house, does she?
I would just make it clear her adultery and abandonment is very hurtful and disrespectful to you and the kids.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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also if she decides not to get an apartment and stay here then we are going to bump into each other so what happens to give each other space becuase she will feel that I am in her face. you know, you are going to be in for a world of crap if she comes home and thinks because she says she is "seperated" that she can act like an alley cat in heat from the comforts of your home. She can't be allowed to flit in and out if she is going to behave like a single woman. That would be an extreme sort of abuse for you and the kids, trying. You can't let that happen and must protect your kids from that. I would not let her come back and spend the night unless she is ready to give up her affair and commit to the marriage. You don't even want her crashing there playing "good mommy" [to assuage her guilt] while she is catting around. You would die a death of a thousand cuts being subjected to that. Nor would that be good for your kids.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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