ok. I will make this clear to her tonight if there is a confusion although she is fully expecting me to go out since I told her that before. I can talk to her after I get back just to make sure that I dont come acros clingy and needy as I did not go when I should have gone--that's all but I will have that conversatin with her. fair enough?

But isn't she expecting you to NOT come back after your thing with your friends? That means that when you get in at 11:00, there will be fireworks which will wake up the kids.

And why are you going out acting like a single man when you are married? This would be a good oppportunity for you to spend time with your family.

oh no, I told her that I will be back around 9sh..she did not say anything. I did ask her if she wants to go and she said well the plan was for me to take care of kids today so you can go. that was the extend of conversation before she left for the grocery store.

also I was thinking, this was me time for at least few hours.

I am going to a friends house. it is nothings :-)
I need time too. I was with kids last two days. need few hours of sanity please

sigh....why are you not telling her that the plan is OFF?

understand..

her point was that I will be with kids so you can take care of things and go out if you like. there was nothing that I wont come back (maybe she is thinking that-oh well). What happned to all about ME. I will tell her shortly that I am going to freinds house and will be back around 9sh and plan to be here

I understand you need some time, I can relate.

It is all about you - and that includes communicating one part that is all you "I ain't leaving baby!" Don't forget to do that. "See ya later, be back at 9 or so. Oh, by the way, I'm not moving out. We can discuss it later, I need some time to get away." Door closes, car pulls away. Spouse stares blankly with jaw dropped.

Nuff Said,

Jay

trying, I am gettting the sense that she does not understand your change of stance AT ALL. She is still under the impression that you are leaving for the night and that you will be simply exchanging babysitting roles in your home as originally planned.

How do you plan on rectifying this misunderstanding? I don't think saying "by the way, I will be back here to spend the night" on the way out of the door is going to resolve this obvious communication gap. She can simply lock you out and that is the end of that.

You must TALK TO HER in order to communicate and effect proper understanding, trying. This exercise in conflict avoidance is not going to do anything but cause more conflict and big explosions.

thanks Jay-that is exactly what I am thinking. this is on my terms from now on. My life has been turned upside down, sure it can get worse but it is worse enough now so I need to think sanely and proceed. She gets pissed off then so be it. for all practical purpose she is gone and she is in love with somebody else and she does not love me and have no feeling for me---oh wait so I should move out, I should agree with divorce and I should make it easy for her to move on.

ok my middle name is not doormat. I am pissed.

OK ML. i agree with you. I dont think either she really clued in when I said I am not agreeing with separation and divorce, she is still thinking the arrangement and yes I will make it very clear here tonight. oh locking out wont happen--She is so paranoid that she spells it out what I can do to destroy her life.

detachment-is the word what BobPure used. how do I detach?

I wrote you a 500 word post with detailed instructions as to how to lovingly detach on page one of this thread.

Go back & read it. Read all of the posts you received carefully. Calm down. Breathe.

Damn skippy! Now use that anger constructively, in ways you never have before: Fuel your resolve to save your marriage in a way that she won't even know you are mad. NO angry outbursts, no disrespectful judgements.

You are not a doormat. You are a man. YOU are her husband. And she expects that you will act like it during the worst of times. Well, I would categorize your situation as something you didn't think of when saying "For better or worse" as the latter, eh? Well, here you are and we're here with you in the war room.

Loving Detachment is your friend right now. Read up on Bob Pure's posting to you. Once you understand that, you will understand the approach I'm trying to communicate to you as well. I'm not telling you to be in-your-face indignant. I'm telling you to buck up, pull yourself together, and be the rock. If you had an invisible video camera on you at all times during your interactions with WW, would you cringe?

Yes, ML is correct. Make sure you are communicating effectively to your WW.

Kudos to you for being here on the MB forums. That was one of your first noble moves. Be proud of that. Pride builds pride. Be the husband you always wanted to be - in the darkest of times. You will never regret it, she may never forget it.

Hey Trying... you look pretty good for the beating you've taken today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

All this takes a toll on your mental state, and there is no need to worry about this 24/7. All of this does take some time to digest. But you are finally taking this all a bit more seriously, and that's a good thing.

Look, this would be difficult if you were in a great state of mind. It's much harder when you are in shock, pain and disbelief. So remember to breathe.

Here's one more suggestion. Personify the "new you" with a new and more upscale "look". Dress nicely, get a crisp new haircut and buy some new after shave. Burn some of your "anger/excess energy" by jogging, hiking or working out. Get tan and look and smell masculine. Women, especially, notice this sort of change, and your new look, coupled with your new "casual indifference" will draw her back towards you. It's a subtle move, costs relatively little to do, will help your self esteem as well.

All's fair in love and war, and fighting infidelity is both.

SD

well it was a disastorous night and I have committed the biggest blunder. I was an ****** and in front of people, WAW sister took her to her apartment along with my daughter and when I tried to talk she threatened to call the police, I was out of control last night to what started as a nice night. I took my meds and took an extra dosage to calm me down and then thought I can have a glass of wine and the rest is history. It got very ugly.

so I am the biggest loser here as I sit here and think how and why I could mess it up to this level. Switch flipped and it was over for me after that.

I am sure she is thinking custody and everything and I am here looking at my life thinking that I know what I did was wrong and I need to get it together but absolute hopelessness has set in. I cannot express the state of my mind this morning.

Oh dear goodness. What happened?

Do you have a close friend or relative that you can call today to spend some time with you? I don't think today is a good day for you to be alone. Even if you don't have someone you'd like to prefer to spend time with, can you try to spend some time with people around you. I don't know if you're religious but today is Easter Sunday and lots of church's have activities and most of them can always use an extra hand at the last minute. I know it sounds counterintuitive but sometimes just being useful/helpful and around people can help you keep your mind off of beating yourself up.


Why not give the marriage problems a rest for the day. You've been hitting it pretty hard and it's clear that you need to take a step back and a breath. You can't go the distance if you wear yourself out.

Take care,

Mys

What happened, trying?

I took Xanax twice within 4 hours and then had wine. I lost all emotions and got into a dark place and just badgered her to tears in front of friends. It was horrible and scary as I look back this morning. Scary becuase of how low I have become and now really have destroyed it all. I put my kids in jeopardy.

I need help and need air. I need to go for few days and be myself.