Hello everybody,

FWW and I are doing well, so I haven't been around here much lately. I did want to discuss one thing though that I see come up from time to time on these forums, and that is the use of pornography.

Now, let me get one thing straight. I am now a firm believer that neither spouse should hide masturbation from their partner (see my SEX and preventative maintenance thread on this subject), so I am not in any way defending secret masturbation within marriage. But I guarantee that most married men are not getting the sex that they need from their wives, and are supplementing their marital sex with masturbation that they keep hidden from their wives.

Now, here is my question, for the women out there especially. How do you think these men masturbate? HINT: It doesn't involve closing their eyes and fantasizing about being swept off their feet on a dream wedding day. It's PORNOGRAPHY. That is simply how men masturbate, and why the pornography industry is bigger than Hollywood.

So what's my point? I guess I was always just bothered when I see people talk about "being addicted to pornography" or imply that pornography is evil when the real issue is masturbation itself, and the fact that the average husband needs much more sex than is provided in the average marriage. As long as the hidden masturbation is happening, it will be with pornography for men. Women, if you do not have an explicit agreement with your husband that you will share every orgasm, and you are helping him with that in some way 2-7 times a week (depending on the man), then your husband is masturbating, and he is using pornography. It's that simple.

Thoughts?

NS

I have to say that I don't really care if my H looks at porn. We watch it together from time to time. We also have sex everyday so I don't have issues with that either. However if he didn't have sex with me as ofter and he watch more porn I would get upset because I wouldn't be getting my SF needs met.

****** I masterbate from time to time and I tell him about it while we are having SF and I like him to do the same with me but I know it's different strokes for different folks and yes there is a pun intended.

Pornography has been a problem in my marriage.

I have no problem with my husband viewing porn if I tell him "no, not tonight" or am otherwise unavailable. He knows this.

Unfortunately, his first choice is porn not me. That is the problem: I'm second (last). It hurts my feelings. Over the long run (18 years and counting), I have lost my self confidence and interest in sex with my husband.

NotSleeping, I think you have a healthy view of this. I wish my husband was similar. We are working on it- I am starting to realize it is not a rejection of ME but a fear of intimacy. I'm not ready to give up.

Thanks for starting the topic-
~Saturn

LOL…. NotSleeping’s post #69 was about masturbating… Hmmm….


“””But I guarantee that most married men are not getting the sex that they need from their wives, and are supplementing their marital sex with masturbation that they keep hidden from their wives.”””

WOW… Guarantee huh? I beg to differ on all accounts and I for one take away my vote for you to be the spokesperson for the male population.

“”” It doesn't involve closing their eyes and fantasizing about being swept off their feet on a dream wedding day. It's PORNOGRAPHY. That is simply how men masturbate”””

While it’s great that you feel empowered to speak for the male population that simply is how you do it. Not all men do it that way. Many men do it to thoughts or pictures of their significant other. Many simply close their eyes and use their mind.

“””then your husband is masturbating, and he is using pornography. It's that simple.”””

Again, that may be what you do but that is simply a false statement. That being said if there is an issue that you'd like to talk about with you let's get 'er did but as for trying to use the "all men do it" approach that doesn't fly......

Is this for real, or is this a late April Fool joke? This post really made me angry. It's apparent that you know very little about this subject, so I won't take it out on you. Please google masturbatory conditioning.

Do you also think that husbands cheat if their wives don't give them enough sex?

I think it's unfair of you to post that a man's problem is somehow his woman's fault. Also, the average man doesn't *need* any sex. He just wants it.

Helping him with his orgasm? I thought lovemaking involved TWO people.

Saturn: You raise a very interesting issue that I overlooked when people talk about "addiction" to pornography. My assumption was that masturbation and pornograpy was always something the married man was relegated to if his wife is not willing to engage in SF. I agree that if the man is choosing pornography over a willing wife, then there is a problem and possibly an addiction that needs to be addressed.

Bill: I knew I would get the inevitable "you're wrong because I don't do it that way" posts. But I'm not backing down. I'm right. Most married men would like, and need, to be having more sex with their wives. Most married men masturbate to make up for this deficiency. When most men masturbate, they use pornography. Do I have stats to back this up? No. But I'm right. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Just look around. Look at pop culture. Would Chris Rock be able to tell a joke about men hiding their pornography from their women if he didn't trust that most men do things like that? No, nobody would laugh if it wasn't true. And then look at the sex industry itself. The sheer size and success of the pornography industry speaks to the truth of my assertions. It's not all 13 year old boys fueling that industry.

Anyway, as I originally said, I am not defending pornography. I think that relying on masturbation and pornography to supplement marital sex is ultimately harmful to the marriage. I was just getting the sense that some women don't understand what their husbands are most likely up to. And if you do "catch" your husband using pornography, it doesn't mean he was molested by sea monkeys when he was 5. It means (most likely) that he isn't getting enough sex, and so he is masturbating in private, and if he is masturbating in private he is using pornography.

NS

Ah Sushi...you are exactly for whom my post was intended. YES HUSBANDS CHEAT IF THEY DON'T GET ENOUGH SEX! No, it's not direct cause and effect or guaranteed to happen. But in general, if one spouse is not meeting the ENs of the other spouse, it leaves the M vulnerable to an A. And SF is the #1 EN of most men.

As far as making sex a mutually enjoyable activity, I couldn't agree more. That is when it is best, and most likely to meet the actual emotional need and not just the physical need. But that being said, many (most?) married women, especially with young children around, are not able or willing to devote the time and energy needed to engage in mutually enjoyable sex with the same frequency that the man would like to have it. So all I'm saying is if you are having sex with your husband once a week or less, and you are not in some other way "helping him out", then yes, MOST LIKELY, he is masturbating (or in the worst case having an affair). And if he is masturbating without your knowledge, then it is MOST LIKELY while using pornography.

NS

“””My assumption was that masturbation and pornograpy was always something the married man was relegated to if his wife is not willing to engage in SF.”””

You say that as if both are mandatory, well dayum I must have missed my “How to be man” class when that talked about because I thought both of those would have been choices. Along with another chose of either POJA’ing spanking da monkey or choosing not beat the little burger….

“””But I'm not backing down. I'm right.”””

I’m sorry dude but I disagree….

Bill,

I completely agree that POJA should be used for all aspects of a marriage, including sex. But most married couples have never heard of POJA, let alone practice it. Of course, the people on this forum are in theory practicing POJA and are making concerted efforts to meet each other's ENs, so maybe I'm preaching to the choir here.

If your assertion is that you can "choose" to not orgasm if your wife is not willing to have sex for weeks at a time, well then I admire your self-control but I continue to assert that it is rare, and most men will be able to think of nothing else after 3 or 4 days. Again, I refer to pop-culture for supporting evidence. Would the famous, Seinfeld episode, "The Contest", have been so well received if most people didn't agree with how difficult it is for men to deny themselves an orgasm after just a few days?

NS

Until the day or second that I would be thrilled to death that one of my children was making a living off of the porn industry...which will never ever happen...
porn is not and has not ever been part of my world

luckily my husband feels eggzactly the same way...

doesn't do it for him..
(probably just the whole fact on NOT dehumanizing the people engaging in the porn makes a big difference )
and the fact that we have daughter/sons

God's gift of human sexuality....is deeper greater and much much more satisfying than flat porn....

your post is way way way to generalized....

ARKie^^

I don't even understand the purpose of this thread.

Not to mention, the people in those films most likely are not married, and more often than not, there are more than two doin the tango.
How is that acceptable?

I agree with you NOW...

I would agree with you now, although I have never found pornography in my house or on my computer.

However, I did walk in on my husband masturbating a few months ago and it was devastating. I felt like I was not good enough/not attractive, and that I did not know my husband. I also wondered what else he was hiding from me if he hid this from me. Compounding the situation, it was 2 days after our 10th anniversary, and on our anniversary, he wanted to stay up late to watch his favorite football team instead of being with me.

After researching masturbation on the internet, I found that it is a normal thing, and that most men do this. After a while, I started to feel better about it, but even today, I still feel hurt.

The bottom line is communication. If he had communicated that I was not meeting his needs or paying him enough attention, I would have tried my best to change. Instead, this throws a lot of paranoia and mistrust in my head, and I don’t know if I will ever trust that he is being honest. If you had asked me 4 months ago, I would have told you my husband never did that, but now I know better and can only guess that he still does this behind my back.

To talk about masturbation and pornography in the same thread is mind boggling to say the least.

My H masturbates, so do I, sometimes in front of each other, sometimes alone. We also have SF every second night. (He's 58 and I'm 52).

Sheesh, masturbation isn't evil. It's perfectly normal.